Wednesday, December 31, 2008

This New Year's Eve To Be Held On Same Day As Last Year's


"It is stupid..." said Tabby "humans...lack originality."

Seattle, WA

In a sad repeat of what has become a human tradition, New Year's Eve will be held again on the evening of December 31st, technically called the last day of the year. New Year's Eve is celebrated by humans as a separate occasion from the observance of New Year's Day.

In human practice, New Year's Eve is celebrated with noise making and social gatherings celebrating the transition of the year at the midnight hour. Some humans use fireworks and other forms of explosive devices or trickery in part of their celebrations.

Asked how he felt about the so-called holiday, Tabby, a neutered, former-feral, Tabby male from Brier, said "I think it is stupid that they celebrate it on the same day every year. I mean where is the fun in that? They sadly lack originality. I mean it's like, gee, I wonder when it will be next year? How dumb."

Perhaps the most well-known event of the night is the televised "ball-dropping" at New York City's Times Square. Many other cities, desperate for something to spend money on, also drop or lower objects. The playing with of balls is obviously not just something cats enjoy, but something of significance to humans as well.


Balls drop each year in New York's Times Square

So, tonight in Seattle, on the 31st once more, the countdown will be done by raising the Space Needle's elevator up and lighting fireworks at the same time until the clock hits midnight.

It is believed that humans have been celebrating this holiday on the very same day for as long as it has been recorded. "It is speculated that the event is held on the same day each year so that humans don't really have to think about it very hard." Said Nicolas, an orange, male Domestic Short Hair from Spokane. "They tend to have very short memories and one-track minds, and forget things often, like remembering to get cat food for example. I think this streamlines the process for them in the long run if you will"

When asked, local teencat, Mad Max had this to say, "Humans must associate something special to objects going up and down, which is rather condescending when you think to how they stoop to try to appease us with those damn laser lights."


Local cat Mad Max agrees humans are retards

Regardless of the reasons, most cats agreed that holding the event on the same day every year is lame.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Teencats Who Wear Distressed Clothing More Likely To Actually Be Happy



Issaquah, WA

Distressed-look clothing has become a major favorite among teencats these days. More and more teencats are seen wearing the clothing, and to our suprise, they are not distressed at all.

In fact, they appear happier than those teencats wearing newly pressed shirts and pants that are not worn out with holes in them. The jeans pictured above sell for $205.00 at men's boutique Blackbird in Ballard.


Puss says the clothes make him feel "...cool."

The items are sold as "new" but appear old and well worn-in, sometimes with gaping holes in the ass. These highly desirable items often cost more than other high quality shirts or pants that are sold in brand-new condition. That doesn't stop fashion savvy cats from buying them off the mall shelves quicker than stores can restock them.

"I bought a cool distressed Led Zeppelin shirt at Hot Topic and it immediately made me feel cool." said Puss in Boots, a Russian Blue teencat from Auburn "...I never thought an item of clothing could make me feel so good about myself."


Shown above is a "distressed" vintage T-shirt priced at $49.99

So why are cats wearing distressed clothing so happy? Well, it can perhaps be said that if they are savvy enough to have picked out the distressed-look clothing to begin with, that they have better fashion sense, leading to feelings of coolness. Thus, wearing the cool, used-looking, distressed items is said to lead to a better overall mood and feelings of increased happiness and joy.


A local momcat and her teencats wait outside Hot Topic at Alderwood Mall for the store to open

The clothing has become more popular in the past year and even middle-aged cats are wearing the trendy looks, sometimes getting the idea from their own teencats. The clothing are quite stylish, and people who wear them are then immediately seen as "hip," wearing the "in" look as sold in popular stores like Urban Outfitters, Abercrombie & Fitch, and American Eagle.

Indeed, Puss in Boots said herself that "...I have to keep my closet locked or my momcat will steal my Pink Floyd or Knight Rider shirts and wear them when I'm in school."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Obama to Cheezburgercat "Yes, You Can Has Cheezburger"



Washington, DC

President-Elect Obama met with cabinet members on Capitol Hill today to discuss his agenda for his first year as President of the United States.

Issues discussed included foreign policy, trade agreements, the war in Iraq, and the possible assignment of cheezburgers to hungry cats everywhere.



"You ask me if we can, as a country united, has cheezburger, and my answer is simple...yes, we can has cheezburger!" Obama spoke before the Senate House committee on an historic day and made the declaration of cheezburger dispersal official. "Yes, we can."

President-Elect Obama made positive remarks regarding his plans for cheezburger benefits including that it is the fundamental God-given right of every cat to 'has' a cheezburger and that he will do everything within in his power to make the dreams of all cats and kittens come true during this, his first term.

"Keep in mind that I may not get everything I want to see accomplished done all within in my first term," Obama stated regarding cheezburgers "but let me just be clear on this, I will try." As seen below, Obama was asked by a member of the cabinet just how thick said cheezburgers would be, "This thick." he replied.


President-Elect Obama says cheezburgers will be "This thick."

The 47-year-old, first-term senator from Illinois shattered more than 200 years of history on election night by winning as the first African-American president of the United States.

He is a strong supporter of cheezburgers for everycat and vows to help with tax breaks to 95% of all Americats as well as a two-fold increase in both yarn and string incentives.

"Again, let me be clear, I want everyone to be able to has cheezburger..." Obama declared "...not just big businesses, not just Wall Street fat cats, but the average Joe the Plumberdog too." He also spoke directly with the famed Cheezburger cat, sometimes referred to as the 'laughing cat' or 'happy cat' when he spoke. Cheezburger cat is the current elected National representative for the Foundation for Cheezburger Awareness (FCA), and represents the greater burger interests for all cats and LOLcats.


Cheezburger cat is anxiously awaiting the promised Cheezburger Reform

White House speakercat Cuddles held a press conference to announce Obamacat's intentions and received a standing ovation. "This is an historic day for America." he noted.

"A President-Elect we all love, cherish, and admire has now given us hope for the future." Cuddles was cheered on as he spoke the word so many had hoped to hear, "Change is here. Cheezburgers are here. God Bless America, it is a good day to be a cat."

Joe the Plumberdog could not be reached for comment.



Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Oprahcat Loses/Gains 900th Pound Since 1985, Is Saddened





Chicago, IL

Well known talk show host Oprahcat has lost her 900th and final pound and says she is saddened about the battle she has publicly waged on TV and in the media throughout the years. "I don't know what has happened to me" Oprahcat said this past Monday from her Chicago home "I look at old photos of me and I can't believe all the weight I have lost and gained back."

Seen below in 1985 after a well documented TV diet, she said then that she 'carried french fries everywhere I went, but all that is over...now I carry a person trainer instead.' In 1985 she famously dieted to a trim 135 pounds and is now in tears over her estimated 200 pound frame.



Oprahcat said recently that she is giving up the fight and is ready to have gastric bypass surgery to help her with her weight problem. She has spoken to many friends and colleagues as to the outcomes of the surgery and is ready.

She told reporters she wants to look hot for Obamacat's upcoming Presidential inauguration. "I can't help but feel that I got him elected...and I want to look great and be next to him when he takes over." Oprahcat stated.

Gastric bypass surgery is no instant cure-all for people with weight problems, it simply makes the stomach smaller and a person who overeats develops feelings of extreme nausea as a result.

It is not a certainty that Oprahcat could be svelt enough to ever please herself, but we the public love her just as she is.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay