Thursday, January 1, 2009

Local Cat Accidentally Converted To Scientology By Parents

Snohomish, WA

A local cat named Jeeves believes he has been specifically sought out and recruited by the Church of Scientology.* Jeeves, a 3-year-old, neutered, Russian Blue male, once spent his days stealing yard gnomes and beating up small children at playgrounds. He now spends his days smiling, bug-eyed, pouring over manuscripts in his quest for divine spiritual wholeness.

Jeeves' parents accidentally converted him to Scientology using a set of tapes they had ordered through a late-night TV infomercial. Their initial intent was to secretly toilet train him in his sleep using the tapes as a form of self-hypnosis. It was days later and much too late when they realized that they had been shipped the wrong set of tapes.

"We knew something was wrong when he started putting up the Tom Cruise movie posters." his momcat, Checkerboard said, "Then, one afternoon we walked in on him and a friend. Jeeves was holding a toilet paper cylinder in each hand and the other teencat was speaking softly. We asked Jeevsey what he was doing and he said that he was now a 'pre-clear' and that he was being audited. " Checkerboard said, "We were thinking he meant the IRS was here."

One of the cylinders used by Jeeves and his friend

Auditing is a central practice in Scientology through which a practitioner is "cleared" of negative influences known as engrams in order to heighten spirituality and access untapped potential.

"Jeevsey was holding one toilet paper holder thing in each hand and he looked very happy. Frankly, we were just glad they weren't doing something worse." Checkerboard stated further.

During the procedure, the auditor cat monitors with a device known as an electro-psychometer while the one being audited, known as the "pre-Clear cat" holds a metal cylinder in each hand, both of which are attached by wires to a device called an E-meter.

Some say the E-meter device is similar to a lie-detector.

Jeeves is excited about his journey, but would not comment further

Our sources report that Scientologists believe 75 million years ago an evil galactic ruler named Xenu solved his planet's overpopulation problem by bringing people to Earth and killing them. The souls of the dead were captured and now inhabit our bodies. They believe that if they rid themselves of these body “thetans” then they will be healthier and will gain special powers.

"If it makes Jeeves happy, then we are supportive of it." Jeeves' parents said in a joint statement "We certainly wish though, that they could help him out with the toilet training thing, he is a very messy boy" Jeeves' parents said that they will not be converting to the religion with their son.

* Scientology is a trademark of the "Religious" Technology Center. This document is not connected with that organization in any way.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay


tom cruised me said...

SHEEEET, that's good.

Anonymous said...

Don't no one tell Tom Cruise about this he'll go apeshit

Jason in LA said...

This is killing me, XENU!!!!!!!!!!!

jettsfan said...

Hey did you hear about Jett Travolta? Speaking of Scientology, wow.

in Memoriam said...

I know, that was really sad about Jett Travolta. I guess he fell and hit his head or something or had a seizure then hit his head. What a terrible loss for anyone. Gee whiz. My heart goes out to his familt and he had a younger sister too, Ella.

KopyKatt said...

That top photo is the funniest thing, that, and the fricking toilet paper holder!