Monday, January 19, 2009

Watching Movie About Plot To Kill Hitler Led Local Cat To Plot To Kill Tom Cruise


Tukwila, WA

It was just another day at the Southcenter Parkway Twelve until Snickers, a 6-year-old Flame-Point Siamese male, ran screeching out of the theatre naked, wearing only the cutout bottom of his soda cup as an impromptu eye patch.


The "...infernal eye patch" Snickers described

Snickers had been watching the newest Tom Cruise film “Valkyrie,” in which Tom Cruise plays a German WWII hero Colonel Claus Philipp Maria Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg, who in 1944 tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler.

“I had to watch Tom Cruise grimacing, trying to look all menacing and fierce…and wearing that infernal eye patch…” stated Snickers to the Tukwila Police upon his arrest “it just made me twitchy all over, the movie is stupid! Tacky! I wanted a refund, worse, I wanted revenge.”

It was kitsch like the eye patch that drove Snickers to the brink of madness and sent him reeling from the theatre screaming threats against the well-known Scientologist actor.


Snickers' momcat said he was "...a good boy."

According to witnesses Snickers ran from the theatre shouting that the actor in question “must die!” and that it must happen now and said he would personally drive to California and hit him in the toes with a large, rubber mallet. “No one should have to waste their money on a film like that, no one, and that haircut he had!”

A local teencat added that others had also become incensed by the eye-patch. The teencat, who would not identify herself, said she saw more than one cheese-covered pretzel bite hurled at the screen in horror.

Tom Cruise said earlier in a brilliant observation about the film that, in fact, “not a lot of people know about the plot to kill Hitler.”

It has, of course been extremely well documented in history books, but like many other things, nothing is true until Tom Cruise says it is.


Tom Cruise knows everything.

For example, the history of the world, as we know, is fake. Tom Cruise set us all straight once before when he told us of the Revelations of Xenu and the wealth of knowledge that is Scientology. We even trusted pharmaceuticals until Mr. Cruise smartly told us that they, actually, do not work.

Mr. Cruise himself was actually cured by Scientology of his terrible dyslexia, which had prevented him from ever reading books in the first place.

Snickers has been sent to a holding cell in the King County Courthouse on charges of plotting an assassination, and two counts of malicious mischief and will be arraigned on Friday. "He used to be a very good boy" Snickers' momcat told the Gazette via telephone, "He just loved Days of Thunder."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

4 comments:

Janice D. said...

that fricking eye patch did it for me too.

Anonymous said...

Leeeeeaaaavvvveee TOOOOOMMMMM alooooonnnnnneeeeee...

iceminx said...

That is the funniest thing i've read in...months!

Max said...

frick cat's nic'e ))