Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Cute, Cuddly Kitten Incites Frenzy, Deaths, In Petsmart Cute-Overload

Lynnwood, WA



This cute, cuddly, kitten, seen above and below, inadvertantly caused the deaths of five people and put two others in critical condition at Harborview Medical Center today.

The cute, plump, fuzzy, angelic, and sticky-sweet kitten, named Bucket, was discovered wandering at a local construction site, was rescued, and brought to Petsmart by Purrfect Pals for adoption. The kitten, so damn cuddly, innocent, precious, chaste, and sugar-coated, incited a riot of giddy excitedness from anyone who looked at it, eventually causing the five fatal heart attacks and two strokes from absolute total cuteness-overload.



"I am not entirely sure how it started" said Babs, a Petsmart employee "all of a sudden someone was holding up the kitten, the cutest, fuzziest, softest, most-pristine, honeyed, luscious kitten you ever, ever saw in your life, and the bodies started falling."

The kitten is so button-cute, dainty, inculpable, candy-coated, and perky, in fact, that you could hear ripe pealing squeals of "ooooooooooohhhhhhh" and "ohhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyy gaaaaaaawwwwwwwd..." even from the parking lot according to several witnesses. People standing outside the building had no idea what was going on inside and even thought there might be a terrorist attack at hand.

People who saw the doe-eyed, tender, love-godess of a kitten were so struck by its absolute cuteness that they dropped whatever they were doing and goggled like wild children. One woman was struck dumb, another woman lost her wallet and keys in the mayhem and with it all of her Christmas shopping money "I don't even care" she said, witholding her name so her husband doesn't get mad at her for losing the money "I mean, diiiiid youuuuuu SEEEEEEEEE THAT KITTYYYYYYYYYYY?"

Most people here have had the same reaction, although the kitten arrived here at only nine a.m., by one o'clock pm a total of five were struck dead from fatal cuteness-mania heart attacks. Two others lie now critical at Harborview with frozen smiles on their faces. Bucket is still up for adoption, but is being kept in a toweled-off cage, so not to incite more acute cuteness attacks.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

4 comments:

Frenchfries said...

oooooooooooohhhhhh myyyyyyyyyy gaawwwwwwwwddd...thiiiiiis issssss soooooooo fuuuunnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Overload!

stephenISKING said...

I knew there was a reason I stayed late at work, to see this! Silly!

Anonymous said...

My mom always did say the fresh stuff was at the back. Right? They stock the fresh stuff at the back, so I'm not crazy right? Right?

Anonymous said...

silly silly silly luv it