Thursday, February 26, 2009

Young Kitten Admits On-Set Affair With “Oxy-Clean” Spokesman Billy Mays



Bellevue, WA

A local kitten is now in the middle of a firestorm debate as to the ethics of an on-set romance with infomercial king Billy Mays. The local cat, Biscuit, is a 6-month-old, orange and white Domestic Short Hair kitten, who was working for a catering company hired for the production company for the latest OxiClean infomercial shoot.

Employees said that Mr. Mays met Biscuit one afternoon while she was serving cocktail weenies and corndogs during a break in filming. The kitten, Biscuit, would not comment for this story.

William "Billy" D. Mays, born July 20, 1958, is a television infomercial salesperson most notable for his vigorous promotion of products such as OxiClean, Orange Glo, and other cleaning and maintenance mixtures. He is easily recognizable for his loud approach to selling or ‘pitching’ cleaning products, a neatly-trimmed, creepy beard, and is usually wearing a blue shirt.


Employees said he would spend his break time “…petting her…cuddling her…”

“Everyone knew Mr. Mays was married.” said Voltron, a 4-year-old, Siamese co-worker, “She (Biscuit) didn’t care, she just went after Billy.” Employees said that the affair started when Biscuit started hanging around the set after the shoots were done.

“She used to just be there for the catering set-up, but after her shift was up she’d find reason to stick around and see Billy.” Voltron said, sighing. “We all thought that Biscuit was too young to get involved with an older man, but she would not listen to us.”

Sources said that Mr. Mays became enamored with the young kitten, who hinted that she might pursue a career in broadcast journalism. This was reportedly how she drew his attention and eventually kept it.


Biscuit was once the catering company’s favorite cocktail weenie and corndog server

At one point Mr. Mays started to take voluptuous photos of her, stark furry naked, in his trailer. Staffers later saw him ogling the cute, cuddly photos on his smart phone and alerted the catering company. Someone reportedly emailed a photo of young Biscuit to Candace, Billy’s wife, to alert her to the scandalous affair.

“We all know and love Candace,” commented Voltron, “Candace was a frequent visitor to the set. She was always coming over to groom Billy’s beard, or to give him a crisp, clean, blue shirt. So when she stopped coming over, we knew that she knew what we knew.”


The Kitty City Gazette requested an interview with Mr. Mays, but received only an autographed photo

Workers at the catering and production company stated that Mr. Mays spent much of his down time in his trailer with little Biscuit, petting her, photographing, feeding, and cuddling her. Workers had a feeling that the affair would eventually become public knowledge and were worried about the repercussions.

The manager of the catering company finally confronted young Biscuit, who admitted the affair and her love for Mr. Mays‘ warm lap. She was forced to resign her job as cocktail weenie/corndog girl and leave the production studios at once with forfeiture of all pay and benefits.

Biscuit (through a press agent) announced plans to move to New York and has signed a contract with Ford Modeling.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

2 comments:

kareninthecorner said...

Sitting here, bored, at work, unbeknownst to my boss, waiting for the email saying that there is a new post and then BAM! there is one. THANKS for brigning the day. Now i can send it to everyone. I am the Gazette email alert updater here. very funny too.

Matthiue, NY said...

holy shizzle. the cat! this is funnyier than anything!