Sunday, March 8, 2009

Fear Of Water Prevents Cat From Washing Car, Ever

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat named Fink was stopped this afternoon by Lynnwood police for a very odd traffic violation; his car was deemed to be too “dirty” for road use, a hazard. Fink’s dirty Porsche Cayenne Turbo S, a $124,000, 550 horsepower, SUV brand new back in 2007, cost him a hefty $1,300.00 fine.

Fink, a 7-year-old Domestic Short Hair cat from Edmonds, grew up like any other typical male, waiting for that someday when he would have his own Porsche. Fink attended the University of Washington and earned a BS in Accounting. He then went on to attend Seattle University’s School of Law and earned his license to practice tax law. Upon graduation he decided to reward himself with a new Porsche dream car.

Fink said he “…run(s) screaming from the hose in terror.”

“I can’t wash it. Plain and simple.” said Fink. “I never really thought about it, but I’m afraid of water, there is nothing I can do about it either.” Fink said that numerous times since the purchase of the car he has attempted to wash it, but each time has run screaming from the hose in terror.

“It isn’t that I am lazy. People look at the car and they look at me, disgusted, like I am too lazy to wash it, they write terrible things on it, too.” Fink said people draw unsightly images on his car, write nasty sayings and even spit on the car as it drives by. “It is kind of embarrassing, but what am I supposed to do? I am a cat for crying out loud…I hate water!”

Wife Mulligan said he’s “…just making excuses.”

Fink’s wife, however, disagrees with his story. Mulligan, a 5-year-old, spayed, American Tabby, said in a statement to the Gazette that Fink is really just plain lazy. “You can’t possibly buy that garbage…” Mulligan said. “He is fine with water. I don’t hear him complain when he is in the hot tub every night soaking it all up saying how stressed out he is from his job.” Mulligan said that Fink spends upwards of 17 hours napping on the couch and eating from neighborhood garbage cans. “He is just too damned lazy, that is the truth of it. He is just making excuses, the truth is that he’d rather be playing Halo 3.”

Lynnwood police pulled Fink over and issued him a citation for the unsightly car stating that it was, in fact, “too dirty for road use.” Fink said he was terribly embarrassed by the whole debacle and is not sure what to do.

Finky is pretty sure that his car is black

“I guess I could have someone else wash it, but who?” Fink said. “All cats hate water. It seems a shame because it is a great car and a really pretty black…I think.” Fink said that although he may not remember the precise color of the SUV he does remember that when he purchased it he really liked it.

“I am sure if I saw it again, I would still like it.” Fink said. Fink has no immediate plans to wash the car, although a troop of neighborhood Girl Scouts have volunteered to help him out by washing it for him. “I would love that, but I really don’t want anyone else touching my car, you know what I mean?” Fink said that no one but he has ever driven the expensive car. “I park at the end of the parking lots so I don’t get a door ding, you know? So to give it up to a bunch of girls, well…you know, it makes me nervous that they might scratch the paint or something.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay


Anonymous said...

Hey, that's MY excuse!

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Dood, give it up to da gerl skowts! How many skratches are der on der dat yoo don't know about cuz of all da dirt? Or, take it to one of dem "no touch" car washes and pay yoor $7 to get a wash and wax...tho yoo may hafta drive thru twice. And what is it wif yoo lazy mancats anyway?

Anonymous said...

i likes it better dirrty. hates da waterz

jack in kansas said...

forget it make the girl scouts do it. or the boy scouts what...they too important cutting wood??