Monday, March 16, 2009

Grandmacat Confesses to Grisly Double Murder


Seattle, WA

In a bizarre turn of events today, police in Ballard arrested 19-year-old grandmacat Miss Myrtle, seen above, for the double murder of two cats in November of 2008.

Two brothers, Asterix and Dixie, were brutally murdered just two weeks after they fired Miss Myrtle from her job at their local taco hut. Miss Myrtle had worked there as a dedicated employee, putting in long hours and much dedication, when it was decided by the owners that she made really bad tacos.

"They were really mean to me" Miss Myrtle now admits, "they called me and fired me by telephone, they didn't even have the nerve to do it to my face. They could have told me I was a crappy cook!"

Miss Myrtle had been enrolled in the Art Institute of Seattle's Culinary Arts program during her employment and was looking forward to a long career as a taco, burrito, and chimichanga maker.

"They had no remorse." Miss Myrtle stated today in a full confession to Seattle Police "They didn't care. One of them used to pee in the beans and the other used to eat the profits up non-stop by serving free fish tacos to all his friends."


The taco shop where Miss Myrtle worked long hours

Miss Myrtle was a wicked fountain of profanity and gossip, surprising even reporters with the amount of dirt she had on the victims.

"I'm a grandmacat!" Miss Myrtle continued "The day Asterix told me what his brother had done he said he 'loved me, but you make terrible tacos'" You can't mess with some one's head like that! What they did to me was morally wrong."

Firing Miss Myrtle left her demoralized, without severance pay, without means to care for her family, and with no way to pay the $709.00 a month needed for COBRA insurance.

"I became very depressed and wanted to hurt myself..." Miss Myrtle went on, "Then I realized, why am I feeling bad about myself? I didn't do nothing wrong, I was the victim. I hunted them down and beat them each over the head with a large, frozen, turkey leg. I have no feelings of guilt except that I wasted some nice turkey."


The brothers in happier times; Asterix and Dixie

Miss Myrtle made a full confession to the Seattle Police Department and is expected to be arraigned next month in the King County Courthouse. Due to her exceedingly obvious mental condition, police will probably not pursue the death penalty.

For now, Miss Myrtle has her own jail cell complete with doilies, receives free medical care and counseling to help her with her mental issues, and is resting peacefully with green tea, crumpets and raspberry preserves.

"You should be wary of those you hurt." Miss Myrtle warned "Some of us don't forget." The public need not fear for their lives, however, Miss Myrtle is safely behind bars, and most likely will be for a very long time.

Miss Myrtle is also in the process of writing a cookbook for women featuring her favorite tea cake, festive bread, and biscotti recipies.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

7 comments:

Kathy G said...

oh you made my monday. LMAO at the photo of the grandmacat.

ROFL. Now its a happy monday.

Mr. Black said...

I'm pretty sure it is cruel and unusual punishment to serve green tea
with crumpets and raspberry preserves. She might want to seek legal counsel about obtaining some Earl Grey.

bloggatwork said...

Wow. First thing off my boss yells at me then i read this article...like it never happened!

Thanks for cheering me up.

Angel said...

I think Miss Myrtle was justified!

Anonymous said...

Just the fact that you invented this word, "grandmacat" is so damned funny.

Grandmacat. The very idea of it is utter craziness.

jimmy and carli said...

Grandma cat RULES the universe and so does the Kitty City G!

The Meezers said...

FREE GRAMMACAT NOW!
FREE GRAMMACAT NOW!