Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Local Cat Admits To Being ‘Internet Whore’

Mukilteo, WA

After five months of lies and deception, a local cat admitted to his wife that he was an ‘internet whore,’ having led multiple lives and carried out numerous affairs using online dating services.

“It started just after my boss introduced me to” said Henry, a neutered, former-Feral, 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair Tabby from Mukilteo. “He knew I had a background in literature from college and asked me to write his profile for him to make him look smarter than he actually was.” Henry said.

It was then that Henry realized just how easy it would be to live out a fantasy life where he could become anyone he wanted to be. “I always wanted to be a doctor, a rich doctor, admired by females everywhere, whisking them off in a fancy Cadillac or something.” Henry said.

Henry’s sad wife Lois had no idea what Henry was up to

Henry’s wife, Lois, a 5-year-old secretary cat, works for Premera Blue Cross in Mountlake Terrace. She said that she had no idea Henry was out living some of his nine lives when he claimed to be out on a job, working late.

A union plumber by trade, Henry began a life of deceit as he created profiles using names like “Viking1975” and “NordicStud” to lure unsuspecting females seeking company online. He worked up to twenty profiles at a time using sites such as craigslist and eharmony. Henry stated in his profile that he was single, rich, and successful, seeking a long-term relationship with a passionate female who wanted to be pampered. His profile generated hundreds of responses and Henry soon began to lose track of who he was.

This is the shop where Henry works and where he created his multiple online dating personalities

“The problem was I couldn’t keep up with all the crazy stuff I was doing…” Henry told the Gazette. “One night I was a rich bachelor in town for a pharmaceutical conference, the next I was a trial lawyer in town on a case. I got so I didn’t know who I was anymore.”

Sadly for wife Lois, the truth came crashing down one evening when she and her momcat were having turkey legs and at a Mukilteo bistro. Supposedly hard at work pumping a septic tank in West Seattle, Henry suddenly strolled into the bistro with one of his flamboyant, young dates, a calico named LaRene.

LaRene, shown here with a blanket that Henry had given her as a gift said “He didn’t look like a plumber…”

“It was terribly embarrassing.” Lois said, “To see my Henry putting on airs like that, I mean, he is a plumber for Christ’s sake!” Kitty LaRene was shocked to discover that Henry was actually a plumber, saying “He didn’t look like a plumber…”

That night Henry admitted the sad truth to Lois. “I am an internet whore.” Henry plead the so-called Alex Rodriguez defense, saying, “I was young, I was stupid…I am so ashamed of myself, it was all too easy to do…and I was so selfish.” Naturally, it worked, wife Lois felt sorry for him and crumbled into his arms.

Luckily for Henry, his wife Lois recognized the need in Henry’s life for excitement and the two have agreed to start marriage counseling and to focus on how to spice up their love life. “I thought it was a bit odd that he would need to go unclog a toilet at two a.m., but, you know how it is. We have three kittens together…you always want to give your husband the benefit of the doubt.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay


Alex's Momcat said...

Poor Lois! What a jerk! This site is so funny. I can't get over it. I love LOLcats, but this site is over the top!

Anonymous said...

YAY I love this repeat!! This article is one of my *FAVES*!!! I love the pics of all 3 cats!! And I love that name, "Kitty LaRene" LOLOL!

Scoundrel!!!!! said...

oh my gosh! poor kitty LaRene!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!