Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Local Cat Caught With Stolen Boxes Of Frozen Cheezburgers



Lynnwood, WA

Thinking only of Cheezburger cat and a mutual love for White Castle cheezburgers, a local cat was caught red-handed today in his kitchen with 14 stolen boxes of frozen White Castle cheezburgers. Larry, a neutered, 8-year-old Domestic Short Hair male from Lynnwood, was nabbed by police just this morning after an anonymous tip was called in via a LOLdog crime line.

Two days ago at the crack of dawn, a Safeway delivery driver was left battered and bruised after an altercation with a robber who ultimately stole 14 boxes of frozen White Castle cheezburgers.

Larry was found in his kitchen, his oven pre-heated to a crackling 375 degrees, screaming in a fit of frustration having not been able to open any of the boxes with his paws. In all, 14 boxes were confiscated by police and were returned to the local Safeway store.


Larry was unsuccessful in his attempts to open the boxes of juicy burgers

“I guess I should have thought it out better.” Larry said in a statement to police. “All I could think about was cheezburgers. I was standing in the gutter that morning and suddenly had a vision of a beautiful and clean White Castle store with the Great Cheezburger cat smiling down from above it, telling me to ‘go forth and has cheezburger.’”

Larry said that he could almost taste the mouth-watering aroma of the burgers and it turned him into someone else. “I don’t know what came over me. I jumped the delivery guy and went through his truck. I could have taken some fish sticks, but I didn’t.”


Larry said that a vision instructed him to steal the frozen burgers

The Safeway delivery driver was treated at Stevens Hospital in Edmonds for some cuts and bruises. Larry said that he went directly to his home, which was about a half-mile away, where he spent the next two days unsuccessfully attempting to open the boxes of frozen cheezburgers.

“I was so let down.” Larry said. “Imagine having the food right there! Right there…and you have no thumbs to open it with.” Sadly, Larry’s owners had him declawed as a young kitten and that ultimately rendered him without certain survival abilities.

Larry tried gnawing the boxes, throwing them against the wall, and even using prayer in his desperate attempt to get a cheezburger. “I lost my job at the hobby store last year, the unemployment checks ran out...” Larry told police. “I have no money left. President Obama promised that ‘yes, you can has cheezburger’ but I have yet to see anything being done for me.”


Snohomish County Prosecutor Candy Darling said the court “…will be lenient.”

President Obama’s Cheezburger Stimulus Package has been signed into law for a month now, but many cats say that the hoopla was all for naught. As the Kitty City gazette reported in February, President Obama worked directly with Cheezburger cat to get the Cheezburger Stimulus Package signed.


President Obama had promised “…a cheezburger for every cat…”

“He made a lot of promises to us about Cheezburgers.” Larry said. “As far as I know, there is still no concrete plan for cheezburger dispersal. I don’t see any vouchers in my mailbox. I know I did wrong, but I am hungry.”

Larry is scheduled to appear in the Snohomish County Courthouse early next week to enter his plea in the case. The judge will most likely side with Larry. “He admitted his guilt, we know he is remorseful.” said Snohomish County Prosecutor Candy Darling. “The recession has hit us all very badly, and Larry was just trying to cope and made a mistake. I believe the courts will be lenient to his case.”


Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

7 comments:

BenatWork said...

THIS SHI* IS SO FUNNY IT IS KILLING ME.

The Creek Cats said...

Love your site!!!! Added it to my blog list, will check in often!

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Where's our cheezeburgers?

Cheezfriend said...

YEAH! WERE'Z OUR CHEEZBURGERS??

politico said...

What else is there to do when that unemployment check runs out man?

Should have taken the dang fish sticks, too.

Anonymous said...

I want a box of frozen white castle too...wait, what is white castle????

YUM!

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD! THAT FRICKING HAT IS KILLING ME IM DYING HERE