Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Local Student Cat Stabs Accounting Professor With Spork


Seattle, WA

The time for college finals is drawing near and tensions are building in classrooms everywhere across the country. Violence broke out this afternoon in a classroom at Seattle Central Community College when a local cat stabbed his Accounting professor with a spork after a nervous fit.

The spork, a plastic combination of fork and spoon, familiar to diners of Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants everywhere, was not picked up by the school’s metal detectors and was thus became an impromptu weapon for the unexpected attack.

Henry, a 5-year-old, neutered, Former Feral, Domestic Short Hair, was stressing out as the accounting professor began a detailed review for the final examination. Professor Cat Beatrice, a 9-year-old Tortoise Shell female, has had tenure at Seattle Central Community College for 4 years and has been never had a problem with students before the odd attack by young Henry.


Above, a photo of the spork wielded by Henry

“I was freaking out, we all were, really.” said Henry in a statement to campus security, “She (the professor) was talking way to fast. The stuff was flying right outta my head, I couldn't keep up. I am really terrible at math. I thought this was going to be a fun class…it is frustrating.”

Henry is a Phi Theta Kappa honor student and his fears of earning a grade of less than a 3.9 drove him to sweat and tears. Henry explained “She’s going over stuff and I’m thinking, every time I add up my numbers on my working papers I get a different answer, every time! How is that possible? Is it the calculator? I just got more and more frustrated and angry as time went on.” Henry's mounting frustration prompted the strange spork attack.


Accounting professor Beatrice was shocked by the attack

The spork in question had been tucked away, forgotten, in Henry’s jacket pocket after a hot lunch of mashed potatoes, extra crispy fried chicken, corn on the cob and a hot biscuit at Kentucky Fried Chicken. While Henry sat in the classroom sweating out the review with hands drawn into his pockets, he nervously tightened his grip on the spork without really being aware of what he was doing.

Classmate Melvin, a 4-year-old, neutered Scottish Fold, was aghast at his behavior. “He took it out…” he said, “And he sporked her right in the ass!”

Lucky for Henry, the tight, constricting girdle worn by the professor served as a sort of makeshift ‘bulletproof vest,’ preventing the spork’s tines from perforating the delicate weave of her tailored tweed skirt.


A wide-eyed Melvin gave details of the attack to campus security

“She screeched like a wild June bug and the glasses came flying right off her face.” said Melvin of the attack. Thankfully unharmed, Melvin said the young professor then “Turned all shades of Hades red, right down to her turtleneck, reached over, grabbed Henry by the ear, and dragged him to the campus security office by herself.”

“I don’t think he knew what he was doing.” Melvin said. “His eyes were big and black and a little crazed. There were beads of sweat on the fur of his brow. That spork just came flying out of nowhere!”

Henry will be placed on academic probation and given an incomplete grade until a decision can be made by the school’s Board of Admission and Ethics Committee. Professor Beatrice is fine and click-clacked her heels right back down the hallway and finished teaching her review lesson.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

funniest part, right here

“And he sporked her right in the ass!”

Lucky for Henry, the tight, constricting girdle worn by the professor served as a sort of makeshift ‘bulletproof vest,’ preventing the spork’s tines from perforating the delicate weave of her tailored tweed skirt...


OH MY GAWWWDDDDD, funny!

McIntyre Cats said...

Oh Kitty City,

A reason for insomnia at last.

I have read 70 of your posts. Every one is so incredible!

jimmy and carli said...

A SPORK????

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG...

...ROTFFL

jimmy and carli said...

A SPOOOOOOORRRRRK!

Anonymous said...

So glad i decided to skip LOST.

This is vert interesting and teh funneh.

Mr. Black said...

Melvin was obviously traumatized by what he saw. I hope they will have counselors available.

Chloe O'Brien, Stoneham, MA said...

I agree with Mr. Black, you can tell just by the look on Melvin's face!

Sad, sad.

Anonymous said...

Hey stranger. I met you at Ballard Sheet Metal when you worked there. My wife googles you and found you and showed me this site.

Glad to see you are still as creative as ever. Too bad they lost your smiling, cheerful mug. Something about you is very instantly captivating. I remember how good you were to my wife and son while I planned my project there. Thanks, as you can see, we never forgot you.

We were back at the shop a while ago and couldn't help but notice the lack of brightness, generosity, friendliness, and sunshine without you. We wish you well in all endeavors.

Anonymous
Blue Ridge, Seattle, WA

Anonymous said...

Melvin you are so cute!!!! I want his number!

seattle u said...

u givez me ideaz fur my teachers !

KELLY JIM said...

THE SPORK IS THE BEST PART OF THE STORY, NOW I GOTTA GO ONLINE AND SEE IF I CAN BUY ONE, I THINK SOMEONE PROBABLY MAKES A STAINLESS STEEL ONE NO?

JanetCoop said...

First, a spork was used in the television show "ALIAS" to cut out someone's eyes, and noew they are used to stab a teacher in the ass!!
What is this country coming to??
Police need to curb this violence!! Write your congress-purrrson now about Spork Control!!!