Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The time for college finals is drawing near and tensions are building in classrooms everywhere across the country. Violence broke out this afternoon in a classroom at Seattle Central Community College when a local cat stabbed his Accounting professor with a spork after a nervous fit.
The spork, a plastic combination of fork and spoon, familiar to diners of Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants everywhere, was not picked up by the school’s metal detectors and was thus became an impromptu weapon for the unexpected attack.
Henry, a 5-year-old, neutered, Former Feral, Domestic Short Hair, was stressing out as the accounting professor began a detailed review for the final examination. Professor Cat Beatrice, a 9-year-old Tortoise Shell female, has had tenure at Seattle Central Community College for 4 years and has been never had a problem with students before the odd attack by young Henry.
Above, a photo of the spork wielded by Henry
“I was freaking out, we all were, really.” said Henry in a statement to campus security, “She (the professor) was talking way to fast. The stuff was flying right outta my head, I couldn't keep up. I am really terrible at math. I thought this was going to be a fun class…it is frustrating.”
Henry is a Phi Theta Kappa honor student and his fears of earning a grade of less than a 3.9 drove him to sweat and tears. Henry explained “She’s going over stuff and I’m thinking, every time I add up my numbers on my working papers I get a different answer, every time! How is that possible? Is it the calculator? I just got more and more frustrated and angry as time went on.” Henry's mounting frustration prompted the strange spork attack.
Accounting professor Beatrice was shocked by the attack
The spork in question had been tucked away, forgotten, in Henry’s jacket pocket after a hot lunch of mashed potatoes, extra crispy fried chicken, corn on the cob and a hot biscuit at Kentucky Fried Chicken. While Henry sat in the classroom sweating out the review with hands drawn into his pockets, he nervously tightened his grip on the spork without really being aware of what he was doing.
Classmate Melvin, a 4-year-old, neutered Scottish Fold, was aghast at his behavior. “He took it out…” he said, “And he sporked her right in the ass!”
Lucky for Henry, the tight, constricting girdle worn by the professor served as a sort of makeshift ‘bulletproof vest,’ preventing the spork’s tines from perforating the delicate weave of her tailored tweed skirt.
A wide-eyed Melvin gave details of the attack to campus security
“She screeched like a wild June bug and the glasses came flying right off her face.” said Melvin of the attack. Thankfully unharmed, Melvin said the young professor then “Turned all shades of Hades red, right down to her turtleneck, reached over, grabbed Henry by the ear, and dragged him to the campus security office by herself.”
“I don’t think he knew what he was doing.” Melvin said. “His eyes were big and black and a little crazed. There were beads of sweat on the fur of his brow. That spork just came flying out of nowhere!”
Henry will be placed on academic probation and given an incomplete grade until a decision can be made by the school’s Board of Admission and Ethics Committee. Professor Beatrice is fine and click-clacked her heels right back down the hallway and finished teaching her review lesson.
Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay
Posted by The Kitty City Gazette at 8:32 PM