Monday, March 2, 2009
LOLdog terrorists have claimed another victory in what appears to have been the first successful attack on American soil since 9/11/01. Carnival Cat Cruise Lines was hosting their 12th Annual Pimps and Hoes Gala on board the cruise ship Queen Hairy II this afternoon when suddenly the ship was rocked by an explosion.
In the middle of a hot lunch buffet guests dressed in their best bras, panties, and pimp suits were thrown about in a wild mass of tails, tater tots, and confusion. The flea bomb, believed to be at least a two or three megaton warhead, contained enough flea powder to kill not only the fleas on the cats in attendance, but the cats themselves.
Grendel was last year's 'Player Hater of the Year'
It seems we are seeing the first of many attacks in this, the War on LOLs, between waged between the LOLdogs and LOLcats. Last month, the Kitty City Gazette reported a story in which LOLcats blazenly accused LOLdogs of being 'not funny' and started everything.
The death toll from this attack is expected to reach nearly 2,000 upon identification of the bodies. Eight courageous felines helped each other to safety and lived to tell the tail. Grendel, a 5-year-old Domestic Short Hair said the mayhem started when the "Biggest Player Hater" contest was just about to start.
Tux said "I really wanted that chicken leg."
"A few of us dressed as pimps were walkin' up to the microphone when, wham! Explosion, fire, and smoke, you couldn't see anything." He teared up as he spoke with reporters and clutched at his little brother, Peanut. "I ran back to the buffet table and grabbed Peanut, he was arguing with a bunch of hoes over a fried chicken leg." The chicken leg in question was soon after dropped to the floor as Grendel screamed and pushed them and a few others into a kitchen alcove and out the rear service entrance.
They then bravely plummeted over the side of the massive cruise ship as it exploded in a huge ball of fire. "I think because we are cats, and we hate the water so much, it almost made it so our feet didn't touch the water, we just...walked on water to the shore or something, it was so fast, I don't remember..."
Peanut said "That shit was scary..."
After this statement Grendel suddenly started screaming wildly about mashed potatoes and ketchup and had to be sedated. At press time Grendel is doing fine, resting at the local hospital and nursing a small bowl of chili and crackers.
The LOLdog terrorist group B.A.R.K. has reportedly claimed full responsibility for the attack. The group, a recently formed band of strays and former-feral canines, state on their website that they are angered by claims from humans and LOLcats that 'LOLdogs are not as funny as LOLcats.'
Carnival Cat Cruise Lines had no comment for us at this time pending a full investigation by both the NTSB, FBI and the ASPCA.
Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay
Posted by The Kitty City Gazette at 10:12 PM