Thursday, May 21, 2009
A local cat was admitted to the psychiatric wing of Harborview Hospital in Downtown Seattle today after learning of her husband’s secret life of villainy.
Kellie, a 13-year-old, spayed, Siamese/Domestic Short Hair Mix, is a retired Ralph Lauren catalog and runway model and heir to the Weinerschnitzel Hot Dog Restaurant chain fortune. She has homes on the Oregon and Washington coasts.
She told the Gazette she came in from the beach Wednesday afternoon only to find her husband Meatloaf, a 17-year-old, neutered Scottish Fold, at his computer gawking at scandalous, pornographic photos of young cats with watermelons.
Scandalous photos of young cats and watermelons are of a growing concern to females everywhere
“He has had an addiction to pictures of cats with watermelons for years,” Kellie said, “I personally do not understand the attraction. He went to rehab once for it…I thought this was all behind us.”
Kellie said that her chest grew constricted and breathing became difficult. “I passed out in the shower.” Kellie said. “He (Meatball) at least had the gumption to dial 911.”
Kellie was given an EKG that raised concerns for her health and well-being. The EMTs on the scene advised she be taken to Harborview and admitted for treatment as her blood pressure was 147/101.
Kelly was prominently featured in last season’s Ralph Lauren linens catalog
“It is a considerable shock to the system to discover your spouse looking at photos like the watermelon ones…” said hot, gorgeous, EMT Chet Goodbody, “The poor woman deserved better than to walk in on that. She should be seen for depression."
Kellie stated that she called Meatball on his habit and he confessed further to living a secret double life in which he is dating a young Grey Douglas Squirrel and spending the nights gambling away his wife’s Wienerschnitzel fortune at the Quil Ceda casino.
Meatball confessed that the photo and gambling addictions began as a way to pass time while his lovely wife was away at catalog shoots and he grew “lonely.”
Another of the many cat-and-watermelon photos found on the hard drive of Meatball
“I know it is a filthy and disgusting habit,” said Meatball, “I have humiliated my wife and I feel terrible.”
Meatball stated that he began the affair with the young Squirrel at the height of the gambling and porn addiction. His addiction fed on itself and became a downward spiral that took the sanity of his wife and wiped out their finances.
Meatball has been kicked out of the home and is currently living in a scraggly tree with his young Squirrel-friend.
Kellie said she will start divorce proceedings as soon as she is well and able. She also will be selling off Meatball’s prized pinball machine collection to repay some of the lost fortune.
Photos Courtesy Kellie the Kat
Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay
Posted by The Kitty City Gazette at 11:25 AM