Monday, May 4, 2009

Secret Service Fears Hostile White House Takeover By Children On Big Wheels

Washington, DC

Just leaked to the Kitty City Gazette, a terrifying story of a possible threat to security on the lawn of the Obama White House.

A group of three wild-looking children were seen on the outskirts of the National Mall this afternoon, gripping sippy-cups, and clutching the handlebars of their Big Wheels.

Cats who are anxiously awaiting the appearance of President Obama's new puppy, Bo, were quick to point out the possible threat to Secret Service in the area.

The National Mall is now being closely monitored, roped off and extra police patrols have been launched.

The National Mall

The sippy-cup wielding children were quickly snapped up by secret servicemen along with their Big Wheels and were taken into a holding area near the Smithsonian Institution for questioning.

One vehicle taken was said to be a Green Machine, not a Big Wheel as was originally thought.

The rider of the Green Machine was said to be "quite menacing..."

In keeping with its pledge to make the Obama White House one of the most open and accessible in all of our history, the Secret Service had announced for the very first time that the entire length of the Mall would be open for the public to witness the President playing with his puppy.

Only a fraction of those cats in attendance on the Mall will be close enough to get a good look at Bo. Officials are planning to install Jumbotrons at the Mall to enhance viewing.

"We were alerted to this threat very quickly." said Police Sergeant Thomas O'Reilly, "The children were evacuated and we are a go. The Big Wheels were taken as well as a Green Machine and we feel security is currently at an amber or mauve level. The Presidental Pup is now secure."

Felix screamed a warning to the Secret Service from the sidewalk

8-year-old, neutered, Domestic Shorthair Felix was one of the crowd who pointed out the hostile-looking threat to the Washington DC Police, who then alerted the Secret Service. "I am just looking out for my fellow cats..." he said "I want this new America to have a chance at peace and hope and I will do whatever I can to make it so."

Felix was waiting in his car with his friends and noticed the children leering at the policemen. "I just did what any cat would do..and the kids, it was scary, they were quite menacing."

Detailed drafts of the "Green Machine" in question

The Big Wheels collected were the standard-issue, plastic, Empire brand, three-wheeled suburban assault vehicles typically favored by hostile children living in neighborhoods all across America since their introduction in 1969. Each equipped with its own handbrake, adjustable high-backed seat, and fancy silver spoke front wheel.

The Green Machine apprehended had the additional benefits of a gearshift box, independent suspension and snappier styling. The vehicles were in good working order and are now safely in the hands of authorities.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay


The Creek Cats said...

How scary! "three-wheeled suburban assault vehicles" - HA!
We will be on the look out for these machines and hostile children in our neighborhood!

Noll's Nip said...

It's their low profile....makes em hard to see....they're everywhere!

Flubtastic Doofalo said...

Yay! Go Green Machine!

The Taylor CatSSSSS said...

YIKES.....we live VERY close to where this took place! Thank goodness that kitty was on alert!


Smirking Cat said...

*shudder* Never underestimate the threat of determined and organized children. Especially with Big Wheels.