Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Cats Rally Against Proposed Catnip Embargo

Washington, DC

Recent spikes in reports from the American Medical Association of catnip abuse among 2-to-10-year-old cats has led the U.S. Government to start talks once again of a Catnip Embargo, much to the dismay of cats.

The embargo, which would prevent any and all trading and/or importing of catnip from anywhere other than within the continental United States, hopes to limit the amount of catnip available at any one time on the free market.

Catnip is not illegal, but is a drug often prescribed by Humans to kittens and cats alike and can be equally abused if not utilized correctly.

Ketchup said “I don’t think it’s necessary”

“I figured if my Human gave it to me, then it was okay,” said Ketchup, a 5-year-old American Tabby Cat. “I have a prescription, so I didn’t think using it nine times a day was so terrible. This embargo…I don’t think it is necessary.”

For over 2000 years throughout Europe and the Far East catnip, which belongs to the mint family, has been used mainly for Human medicinal purposes and in teas.

Traditional herbalists all over the Ancient World treated many conditions with catnip including, cancer, hives, and even toothaches.

Some cats in China grow catnip and export it to the U.S. for profit

“I personally am appalled,” said Nina, an-8-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair who is a tanning salon operator in the D.C. area. “Limiting the amount of catnip will only create more of a demand and create more profit for those who can get it and sell it. You are not solving anything.”

Nina and approximately 120 other cats gathered outside the House of Representatives with signs to demonstrate against the embargo. Most cats agreed that it would do more harm than good and take away a daily pleasure.

A cat’s attraction to catnip is through an inherited trait carried in the gene pool. It is estimated that only 10% of all cats do not experience a “catnip high” from the drug. Sadly, this leaves over 90% of the population open to abuse and addiction.

Catnip has been repeatedly snuck into the U.S. through these fabric eyeballs from Bangladesh

“You can’t put a Band-Aid on a broken leg,” said Heathcliff, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair Ginger who openly admitted he abuses the drug. “An embargo is not how we are going to clean this up…I need treatment, the supplies will always be out there.”

All cats display the same symptoms when using to catnip. For about fifteen to twenty minutes or so they experience feelings of euphoria and act like rabid fiends, biting at the air and ripping the shit out of everything they see and feel.

President Obama himself issued a statement via a radio address just last evening to shed some light on the proposed embargo. “I want to be very clear,” Obama stated, “This is not an end-all proposal, it is just an attempt to get a better handle on a situation that seems to growing worse. I will be personally working on this plan and hope to give you all a better understanding of it soon.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma


Freya's Staff said...

Good job I live in Catnip-crazed England!


Noll's Nip said...

Nip is near and dear to my heart and any talk of policing it is disturbing!

Angel and Kirby said...

Once again, the government wanting to control free will.

Jack and Kate said...

What the heck is next??? AN EMBARGO????? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Kitties @ Our family cat-a-blog... said...

We don't care what they do. Our momma grows it fur us!