Sunday, July 19, 2009

Slowest Dog Who Ever Lived Proves Useful, Sort Of

Edmonds, WA

If you feel frustrated, tired, overwhelmed, or just out of balance with yourself, maybe it's because you don't make time for yourself. Change your ways. Practice some self-care and take Teddy for a walk.

Theodore Samuel “Teddy” Williams, a 12-year-old, neutered, Chow Chow is the slowest dog who ever lived. He lives in Edmonds, having been recently adopted by a family of four cats.

Teddy’s new owners say that taking Teddy for a walk takes so goddamned long that it allows you to renew, heal, and create reserves of energy and inner peace that you knew you always needed, but never had the time to do.

Izzy is proud of the Zen sand garden she recently started work on

"Walking Teddy is a great way to get a tan," said Lady Isadora Daisy Bingmann-Ryan, a 6-month-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. "If the sun is out, I mean. He's so slow it's kinda almost like standing in one spot."

The Lady Isadora Daisy Bingmann-Ryan says the sense of self-awareness she has developed by being bored on the long walks with Teddy has left her with a “Zen-like” tranquility and she has begun a Zen garden of her own in her litterbox.

Honoring one’s self by taking such periods of time by walking Teddy enables you to discover your inner being, access your creativity and experience a sense of peace, wholeness, purpose, and balance, after the initial frustration goes away.

Teddy said he doesn’t give a “shit” what anyone wants

"Instead of grounding my kittens when they misbehave, I make them walk Teddy," said her dadcat, Murphy, an 8-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. "It's the worst thing I could do as a parent when the kittens misbehave. It's long and boring, doesn’t involve TV or the internet, and involves picking up poop at random intervals."

"He just stops. For no reason, and stares at you. It's infuriating, especially when you need to be somewhere,” agreed Lady Isadora Daisy Bingmann-Ryan. When asked by the Gazette what he thought of the cats’ opinions, Teddy said he really just “didn’t give a shit” what anyone wanted.

"One time I took Teddy out for a walk and I was able to read War and Peace in it's entirety," said momcat Butter, a 9-year-old, spayed, Manx, who had been trying to find the time to read the classic masterpiece since dropping out of community college.

Murphy finds Teddy’s slowness “useful”

"Teddy is so slow that sometimes I feel like I'm tripping out and that I'm actually going backwards in time,” said The Lady Isadora Daisy Bingmann-Ryan, who admitted that at first she was scared of Teddy, but then soon realized he was an idiot and not the type to be feared.

“Walking Teddy gives you the time to contemplate major life changes," said Butter, "He gives you the time and space to really think things through and then completely change your mind again."

“I was going to paint the bathroom black," said Butter. “I had my heart really set on it. But the two and a half hours it took me to walk Teddy around the block gave me time to change my mind back to sea foam green. The family was pleased.”

At first The Lady Isadora Daisy Bingmann-Ryan was afraid of Teddy, but soon discovered he was an idiot

Happy for the peace and calmness the family derived from their walks with Teddy but concerned about his slowness, Murphy took Teddy to the vet, where he asked what could be done for him.

"My dog is so slow. Is there anything you can do for him?" The veterinarian gently picked Teddy up and was quiet.

Finally he said, "I'm going to have to put him down." Murphy gasped and asked, "What? Just because he is slow?" The vet replied, "No, because he is really, really heavy."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Cat Photos Courtesy: Izzy, Murphy, and Jenny Lee Ryan, Navajo Dam, New Mexico


jimmy and carli said...

oh my Gawd YOU must BE A DOG OWNER, too!! That is so funny.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAH I just about crapped me trousers

Cory said...


The Creek Cats said...

There are too many funny lines, but here are just a couple of our favs....
"One time I took Teddy out for a walk and I was able to read War and Peace in it's entirety," and
"Teddy is so slow that sometimes I feel like I'm tripping out and that I'm actually going backwards in time,”

LOL!!!! Love it!

kkkkkoolio~~ said...

Yet another gem. Leaving me laughing hard and the others in my home wonder what im doing in here by myself!


EUTERPE said...

sequI read this at work, I could not stop laughing, it is Monday so everyone thought i had lost the plot.

Well they were right what kitten would pick up dog poo!!!!!

Abagale said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Freya's Staff said...

Poor Teddy! He ain't an idiot, he just not as clever as kittie!

Smirking Cat said...

This was hilarious, but I had a hard time picturing cats willing to walk a dog unless they had ulterior motives, like tormenting the dog in some way. Maybe not all cats are self-righteous egomaniacs like mine, though.

Freya's Staff said...

I've just read this article again, and you know? It really is your funnniest so far.


Abbygirl said...

Oh, Teddy! I have a dog like you. My cats are bored with you, but you don't give a shit either!

Princess and the Meow Kitties said...

Hysterical! As usual!!! We lubs it!!!

Anonymous said...

I read this article before I went to school. During school, this popped into my head, and I started laughing like crazy. Everyone thought I was mental!