Thursday, July 30, 2009

Study Finds White Male Cats Hit Hardest By Unemployment

Seattle, WA

Male cats, especially the white ones, are bearing the brunt of job loss in this torrid economy, according to a study done by a group of male, angry, white cats.

The study, which came out yesterday, dubbed the disturbing trend a “revolt against all cats that are white” and advocated much needed efforts to channel male, white cats into female-dominated career fields like operating nail salons and stripping.

The study examined the demographics of all cats receiving Washington State Unemployment Benefits between December 2008 and June 2009.

Hirum McFatpants lost his lawn mowing job to an undocumented yard gnome

“I lost my job mowing lawns at the high school,” said Hirum McFatpants, a 9-year-old, Persian-Domestic Short Hair Mix, “It was a difficult job to get in the first place and when I went back there I found out they’d hired some foreign yard gnome to do my job for half the salary.”

Stories such as these abound. Officials found the number of white male cats receiving benefits increased 190 percent during the period of the study.

White male cats saw a 200 percent increase during that time, the largest percentage increase among all hairy groups, and one that put them ahead of all black cats on the list of claimants for the first time since this economic downturn began.

Felix lost his straight-male escort job to a plastic goose from Canada

Department officials said the data, which was compiled entirely by a group of white, angry, male cats, reflects a recession in which white, male cat-dominated industries like hot dog sales and fruit pickers are taking an especially harsh beating.

"Angry, white, male cats tend to dominate escort services and janitorial services, two of the industries that have been hardest hit by layoffs in our state," Washington State Unemployment Advisor Figgy Pudding said.

By comparison, Figgy Pudding said black cats and other inanimate objects such as yard donkeys and gnomes have largely been over-represented in professions like construction, finances, and racketeering, some of the few middle class occupations that were not previously available to them during the previous decades.

Once popular white collar jobs like racketeering are down being downsized

Another angry, white cat, Felix Swizzlestick, said his job as a straight male escort was taken away and given to a plastic, Canadian goose, who was in the country on a work visa and willing to work for much less pay.

Figgy Pudding said the next generation of angry, white, male cats must reconsider their professions as traditionally male-centered jobs, like money laundering, for example, as being phased out.

He encouraged community colleges to increase efforts to recruit these angry, white males. Officials say they will examine ways to retrain these hapless, jobless morons and encourage them to examine non-traditional careers, like fencing.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random


The Meezers said...

we just love it when coffee sprays out of mommy's nose when she reads these!

Angel and Kirby said...


Cory said...

Love it!

Anonymous said...

You are totally insane! :)

Anonymous said...

YOU KILL ME, you are so damn funny.

Freya's Staff said...

"traditionally male-centered jobs, like money laundering" Made me laugh!