Saturday, September 12, 2009

Annual Flying Penguin Festival Cancelled Amid Fear Of Violence

North Bend, WA

The 12th Annual Festival of the Flying Penguins (AFFP) has officially been cancelled today after threats were received from angry squirrels saying they planned to plant ‘bombs and assorted, salted, mixed nuts’ along the main parade route, city officials said.

Cats organizing the finishing touches were shocked when phone lines lit up and multiple faxes were received from anonymous squirrel sources citing threats claiming taxpayer money from the state was being unfairly spent on penguin activities, while none was earmarked for squirrels.

The festival, held each year, is funded with a combination of taxpayer money and donations gathered from the sale of Sno-Cones at local convenience stores.

Ace said it the parade is “…good for morale.”

Each year at the festival, thousands of cats, penguins, gnomes, and other creatures, gather in the mountains of North Bend to support the well-being of penguins, who are treated to a day of hang-gliding, parachuting, and zip-lining.

“It is so good for morale, I think,” said Ace, a 6-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who is one of the original founders of the festival. “I believe all penguins should be able to live the dream of flight. What we do here is just the tip of the iceberg.”

However, in the past years, a tide of hate has risen from groups of non-flying squirrels, who believe their taxpayer money should give them equal opportunity to achieve flight not-otherwise-intended by nature.

Jeff wishes equal opportunity were provided for squirrels to attempt flight

“Why should I be denied the opportunity to fly?” Said Jeff, a 2-year-old, Douglas Squirrel from Bellevue. “I’m not saying I support the hate groups, but I see their point.”

Cats had planned to stage the annual event in North Bend as usual, followed by a parade, and at least 1,500 plastic penguins were due to take part.

Many of the penguins had already made macaroni salads and bought potato chips to share at the parade, which was originally designed to boost community cohesion.

Macaroni, interviewed in his home, said he had been looking forward to flying all year

“I personally have been looking forward to this for months,” said Macaroni, a 4-year-old, Plastic Lawn Penguin, who was imported from China. “I have always dreamed of flight and I applaud this group of cats for making our dreams come true.”

Organizer Loopy Betty, a 15-year-old, spayed, Domestic Long Hair said "We were told by police today that the original parade route had never been risk assessed and that the safety of the penguins and parade watchers would be in jeopardy if we did not cancel. It is with regret that we did so.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Penguin Photos By Me
Others: Random


Anonymous said...

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jimmy and carli said...

Flying penguin charities, flying squirrel terrorists. I didn't think it was possible for you to get better but you do. Seriously great writing here. Kudos.

EUTERPE said...

I am sitting down with my morning coffee open the gazette, read the headline and think to myself something is not right here.

Beyond brilliant - when i read the line - tip of the iceberg, my brain woke up.

Excellent reportage, shame the festival is cancelled, next year i will make the trip from OZ to attend, bugger the squirrels let them organise their own festival.

Cheers to all.

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