Saturday, October 24, 2009

Republican Monkey Admits To Same-Sex Affair With Top Cat Aide

Seattle, WA

In a stunning declaration, Washington State Senator Bartholomew Crumbles, a 19-year-old Baboon, announced his sudden resignation and acknowledged that he had an affair with another male, a top cat aide he had hired years before.

"The honest truth is that I am a gay American," he said at a nationally televised event with his wife proudly standing by his side.

"Shamefully, I engaged in adult consensual affairs with a cat, which violates the bonds of holy matrimony," the Baboon said. "It was wrong, it was foolish, and it was inexcusable." Crumbles, a Republican, said his resignation would be effective November 1st.

Co-worker Erasmus said “I never had a clue he liked cat.”

Two sources close to Crumbles, both speaking on condition of anonymity, said Senator Crumbles and the cat spent “countless hours” locked in his office petting each other and picking fleas out of each others’ hair.

“Sometimes they would order out for milk or bananas,” said an insider. “It was so obvious to everyone.” Friends of the Senator said he would leave work early and meet the cat at the beach, where they would walk hand-in-hand.

Erasmus, a 27-year-old Roloway Monkey who has worked for the Senator for 5 years said in a statement to the Gazette, “I never had a clue he liked cat. Never. He just didn’t seem like that kinda guy. But, you never know.”

Washington D.C. is shocked by the startling news

Crumbles refused to answer specific questions at the news conference. “It makes little difference that as a Senator I am gay," but he added that staying in office and keeping the affair and his sexual orientation a secret would leave the office "vulnerable to rumors, false allegations and the threat of feline spraying incidents."

Although Crumbles did not name his feline lover, top administration officials identified him as Bob, a 4-year-old, Domestic Short Hair, Princeton graduate, and former intern, who was hired by Crumbles to the Senator’s team 2 years ago as an adviser even amid questions about his qualifications for the position.

Senator Crumbles was considered a rising star in the Republican Party, He flew home to Mukilteo yesterday morning after informing GOP leaders on Capitol Hill of his impending announcement, missing an important vote regarding a cat’s ‘right to choose’ spaying and neutering.

Friends said Crumbles often left his car at the beach and took off with “his cat friend”

Crumbles did not directly comment about his political future but said he was "committed to my service in the United States Senate." He does not have any immediate plans for a political future, but said instead he plans a “nice trip to South Beach with Bob.”

Crumbles’ wife, Darlene, a 12-year-old, Howler Monkey, was at her husband's side during the short press briefing and issued a statement wherein she lied and said the couple's marriage had become "stronger" since the affair.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random


Jane and her 3 furbabiez said...

holy shi@!


This is so funny I'm splitting!

Ginger Jasper said...

OMC that takes the prize... Sooo funny.. Hugs GJ xx


Like Erasmus says, "You never know."

Noll's Nip said...


glogirly said...

My favorite line - "I never had a clue he liked cat. Never."

Thanks for yet another great report.

a.k.a. Glogirly

EUTERPE said...

On a serious note, I have seen other pics on the internet of monkeys with cats. Anyone know if these these two animals get along??

Oh and the last paragraph, how true