Thursday, August 27, 2009

Large, Suspicious Belt Spotted In Local Yard


Lynnwood, WA

Two local cats were horrified this morning when they spotted a long, scary belt creeping its way through the rocks in their garden.

The Tall Firs neighborhood in Lynnwood has a long history of belt activity. Indeed, Bigfoot, werewolves, and even cavemen have been allegedly seen and reported in the area.

“It was a hot, stifling morning and I was making my way to the water pot for a drink,” said Seamus Finnegan O‘Reilly, a 4-year-old, neutered, Russian Blue male.


Witnesses Seamus and Mary Jane were first to see the belt

“I remember taking a drink and I noticed something moving on the rocks behind me…it sort of wiggled.” Seamus said.

This is the second report in as many days of strange belts being seen by cats and kittens in this Lynnwood neighborhood area. Many are worried as to the motives of the belts.

“It was like its whole body seemed to sort of shake and wobble as it moved,“ said witness Mary Jane, a spayed, 4-year-old Domestic Short Hair who likes to pee on sofa cushions, “I know it saw us because it looked right up and then went back to what it was doing, just laying there, all creepy-like and slithery.”


Another belt was seen recently sneaking into a local garage

There are rumors of even larger belts living in the vicinity of an old rusted Ford F-150 just a few blocks away. The Lynnwood Police Department has investigated and has uncovered three such reports.

Recently, an unnamed hiker claimed to have seen one of the belts and described it to a local newspaper as being 19 feet in length.

“It's getting to the point where I no longer feel safe out here,” said Mary Jane, who now only sits up on chairs elevated off the garden floor for some measure of protection against the threat of a possible belt attack. “Until they are rounded up, I am scared.”


Mary Jane feels safe only when seated above the garden floor since the sighting

According to zoologists, belts can vary in length, thickness, and skin pattern. Many belts are harmless creatures just out to sun themselves.

Though there are many known dangerous belts out there, no one is certain which type of belt this is and if it poses a threat to the community at large.

Theories as to what the belt may have been doing in the yard range from it being just another dumped pet to that of it actually being one of the overgrown ‘wild’ belts of myth.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Belt Photos: My papa's 40-year-old belt
Cat Photos: Mary Jane & Seamus

Monday, August 24, 2009

Cat Says He Lived In Fear After Farting In Crowded Elevator


Seattle, WA

A local cat and father of three admitted today that he has been living in fear ever since he farted in a crowded elevator.

The cat, Willie, a 1-year-old, neutered, albino, Domestic Short Hair, had recently eaten a delicious shredded pork and bean burrito at Taco Del Mar when he entered the crowded elevator to return to work.

“All of I sudden, I knew I was gonna fart," Willie told the Gazette. "I was so scared. There were so many cats in the elevator, it was packed,” Willie remembers. “It was hot, too, and it seemed like the buttons for every floor had been pushed, ensuring us all a long trip up."

Willie said he did the best he could to keep the fart from escaping from in between his furry butt cheeks. He said he clenched his teeth firmly, stared at one spot on the wall, and pressed all four feet solidly below him in an effort to keep it from squeezing out.


This air-tight elevator was the site of the incident

"Before I knew it, I’d farted," he said. "At first it was a soft, ghost-like whisper, I had some hopes at first that it would stay silent. But then it transformed into a roaring motorcycle-like clickety-clack. Then it was all over and the smell came."

"Everyone on the elevator froze," he continued. "It was like the Ice Queen from Narnia cast a spell on them, they were that still. No one acknowledged the fart."

Indeed, witnesses said all the cats on the elevator were still and silent, as if somehow through their stillness they could actually reverse time and make it (the fart) not have happened.

"There was a definite loud, ripe peal," said witness Kellie, a 12-year-old, spayed, Siamese Mix, who is a legal secretary and was also in the elevator when the fart occurred.


Witness Kellie said she heard a “…ripe peal”

According to reports, everyone in the elevator slowly and calmly exited at Willie's stop, the 35th floor, after having endured the previous ten floors in closed-mouthed, red-eyed, silence.

"It was truly terrifying, not knowing if people knew that it was me (who farted) or not," Willie stated. He said he was so hard hit by the fart incident that he became depressed and considered switching careers to protect his family.

“Someone wrote ‘Willie is a farter’ on the men’s bathroom wall and I felt terrible,” he said. “It was like someone knew and they wanted to exploit me.”

Workers in the office are certain the notoriety from the incident will eventually dissipate, and business will go back to normal soon. No one is in any way certain that Willie actually was, in fact, the farter.


Willie said he just wanted to protect his family

“There were about nine other cats from my office on that elevator,“ witness Kellie said. “It could have been anyone, really."

“It was very hard. I tried to put myself in (the farter’s) position and thought how they might feel if they’d let the fart," Kellie continued. “There’s just nothing good about it.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Willie’s Cat Photos: Gracias Monica Contreras, Mexico City
Kellie Kat Photo: Thanks to Kellie Kat, Gearhart, OR

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Local Cat Buried In Supermarket Bread Aisle Searching For The Freshest Loaf


Edmonds, WA

The manager of Edmonds’ Food Mania was shocked this morning when he walked around the corner to see a momcat trying to squeeze out of a giant pile of loaves of yummy Bimbo White bread. The cat had been there for over a half an hour, vigorously squeezing loaves of bread, brow furrowed in concentration, and squinting her eyes pouring over the color ties on the wrappers of each bag of bread in search of the freshest possible loaf.

“My mom always taught me that the freshest loaves were in the back.” said Agatha, a 12-year-old spayed Tabby from Lynnwood, as she extricated herself from the heap, “So, naturally when I come here to get bread, I dig to the back to find the freshest loaf. I never buy the first one…who does?”


Agatha was in search of the freshest possible loaf

“When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest?” Manager Larry Bryant said. “ Most people don’t know how to tell, so they ‘squeeze’ the package for freshness or softness, possibly damaging the bread.”

Mr. Bryant said bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week, so there really is no need to check for freshness, it is fresh every day. Despite this, he said that some people have this ‘crazy, unstoppable, almost biological-evolutionary urge’ to burrow to the back of the stacks, to insist that they get the very freshest possible loaf available.


Bimbo bread is brought in fresh daily

“I see people like Agatha every day…“ Mr. Bryant continued “…they come in here and nearly attack the bread. They push back through the loaves, checking the dates on each tab and squeezing the bread, pretty soon they are buried in a pile like Agatha was.”

Agatha said that each bread delivery company has a specific code on the tab or color of twist tie (if applicable), indicating the day of the week that loaf was delivered. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, each day supposedly has a different color twist tie.


The secret of the freshness date is encrypted in the color of the plastic tags

“I got buried looking for the right color. Today being Thursday, I wanted a red twist tie-not white which is Friday, that’s almost a week old." Agatha said. "The colors go alphabetically by color. Blue, green, red, white, yellow, Monday through Saturday. It’s easy to remember, but I put a Post-It note in my wallet when I first found out about this so I would not forget the color sequence.”

The Bread Freshness Tag Daily Color Code Coordination Mandate:

Monday - Blue
Tuesday - Green
Thursday - Red
Friday - White
Saturday - Yellow


“There are two important factors here,” said Agatha, “first of all you want the bread that was delivered most recently and you want the bread that has the freshness date that is the farthest out.”

Agatha said that she sometimes even will freeze half the loaf when she gets home to ensure an even fresher taste at home for a longer period of time. She said “I wrap it in Saran Wrap…Ziplock bag it, I put my own date on it, next I seal it with my Food Saver, only then do I freeze it.”



Agatha confessed a slight obsession with the colored bread tags, saying that she collects them and has over 500 in all. She said that she enters them in the 4-H Collections Hall exhibit each year and has won three Blue Ribbons and one Yellow. Agatha also said that only occasionally does she encounter the same problem at home, becoming buried in piles of frozen bread, searching for the next freshest dated loaf to use next.





Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Friday, August 21, 2009

Ridiculous Cat Outfit Leads To Near-Suicide


Seattle, WA

What was once a happy and independent life for a local cat turned into a living Hell when his Human became unemployed, bored, and lonely.

Ridley, a 3-year-old, neutered, black and white Domestic Short Hair, became the sole focus of his Human’s sad life after she lost her job as head cashier at Rite-Aid.

“Suddenly I was like, her best friend.” said Ridley, “She was actually taking me places in the car with her and dressing me up in scarves, hats, and other ugly outfits. She'd stop, take my photo and giggle. Before I knew it, every day had a fricking color-coordinated theme to it."

Ridley said his Human has also recently been dumped by her boyfriend after presenting him with a specially embroidered and embossed scrapbook of their month together as a couple.

Reports also stated she had just turned 40, and had no children. The unemployed Human soon began to knit all types of interesting, frilly, clothing and "gifted" them him to him, as well as to neighbor cats and kittens.


The unemployed Human soon began to knit all types of clothing styles

“When she bought that baby stroller I thought I'd die right there on the spot," said Ridley, “People would come up to the carriage and ask to see her 'baby' and they’d run away screaming in horror when I popped my head out of the fluffy coverlet instead of a baby.”

Ridley’s owner began sewing more and more sweaters, vests, and began making embarrassing bead and shell collars for Ridley to wear out in public on their expeditions. As time droned on, Ridley grew sad and depressed as the Human grew happier and happier.

“She referred to me as her ‘fur baby.’” he said, “It was actually kinda fun at first, all the attention, I mean, but it got old really fast. She even made a kimono for the neighbor’s cat Wexley.”

Ripley said that he knew he was depressed when he lost interest in watching WWF Friday Night Fights on TV and began eating more apple fritters than before. He also found himself taking less naps than ever. "When I started whacking back 4-5 fritters a day, I knew I was in trouble."


Neighbor cat Wexley was gifted a fine, silk Kimono

“I found I just sat there and stared at the wall, waiting for her to come and drag me off and dress me, then take me someplace else,” said Ridley, tearing up at the memory, “Why didn’t she just get a dog? They're stupid, they’ll do anything you want them to do.”

Just this past weekend Ridley was admitted to the Seattle Commons Veterinary Psychiatric Institute after overdosing on a combination of prescription Xanax, Strawberry Mentos, and Ezell’s Extra Spicy fried chicken.

“That last collar, the one with all the colored dangly things, that was the last straw.” Ridley said, “I decided I didn’t want to live that way any more.”

Ridley has summoned the help of a lawyer and is seeking immediate emancipation from the Human. In previous cases where such abuse is as blatant, cases have passed through the courts very quickly and allowed for the freedom of many cats and kittens.

“I just hope no one else has to go through a travesty like this.” Ridley said, “Humans need to stay employed, they are dangerous when they are bored.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Former Special Olympics Champ Arrested For Punching Physical Therapist


Edmonds, WA

A local cat is behind bars today after a physical therapy session ended with her punching the lights out of her therapist.

El Gato Blanco Physical Therapy, located on Main Street in Edmonds, has been in business for over ten years without incident.

The assailant, Neko, a 4-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, is a former Gold Medal winner on the pommel horse from the 2006 Special Olympics.

Neko explained that she was in therapy for her arm, which was injured when the car she was driving was sideswiped by a goat just this past month.


This goat overheated and sideswiped Neko’s car, causing her arm injury

"Oh I was so pissed," said Neko of the accident. "Those bag-boy squirrels at Albertsons carelessly overloaded a goat so badly that it overheated and caused an accident."

After two weeks of therapy without improvement, Neko had regained the use of most of her arm. But her therapist felt she needed to do more aggressive massage and stretching work to strengthen it. They had tried the very popular hot/cold pie contrast therapy method without success.

"I was on that table, face down, and he was pulling at my legs like he was hungry and I was a piece of crispy fried chicken," Neko said. "He was pushing and pulling on my muscles to hard I thought I'd snap in two. It was absolute torture! I was at the point I'd confess to anything if he'd just stop."


Greedo has been in business for over 10 years without incident

The therapist, Greedo, an 11-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, who is an ex-Marine, did admit to 'massaging' her muscles a bit hard.

"What we're trying to do there is flush out toxins and get good blood circulating in the damaged muscles so they can heal themselves," Greedo explained. “I had her doing sit ups and then some chin ups to toughen her back up to ship shape. I mean she supposedly was a Special Olympian, right?” He snickered.

"He kept goading me on and on to do that one last chin up," she said. "He could see me, red-faced, dangling from the bar, desperate to be done with this crap but he was sitting there, all slanty-eyed and smirking!"


Greedo was dreaming of apple fritters

Greedo denied that he was 'smirking,' saying instead that he was simply daydreaming about apple fritters.

"Finally I just couldn't take it anymore so I let go of the bar and popped him one right on the kisser," she admitted. Some kittens who were gawking in the front window saw the beat down occur and notified Edmonds Police promptly.

"He was actually kinda impressed, he said he'd never been hit so hard by a girl, but the police still arrested me,” said Neko.

Neko is being held temporarily at the Edmonds Police station and will most likely be set free on her own recognizance.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Special Olympic Champ Photo: Thanks to Felicia Williams
Other Photos: Random

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Scandalous Watermelon Website Used Photo That Violated Online Decency Laws


Everett, WA

Government officials today ordered the hugely popular watermelon porn site 'Seeds' to shut down for good after posting a now infamous photo referred to as "The Motherlode."

"The Motherlode" image is of two watermelons grown together, resembling a huge ass, swollen testicles, or giant boobs, depending on your point of view.

Three monkeys sent by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (ATF) served Frieda, a 12-year-old, spayed, Domestic Long Hair with a Cease and Desist order at her home this afternoon, thus ending her reign as Everett's 'Fruit-Porn Queen.'


Sadly, millions of cats saw ‘The Motherlode’ before its removal from the internet

This welcome news comes just in time,as the pandemic known as "watermelon porn" is spreading at an alarming rate, tearing apart marriages and the well-being of many cats.

Frieda had been posting obscene photos and videos of watermelons, and of cats actually eating watermelon, for the past three months at a rate of nearly fifty photos per day. Also taken into custody for questioning were three young kittens, known as ‘The Tarhill Triplets,’ who ran the website for her.

Courts in Seattle approved the order after Frieda refused to take down the appalling photograph of a mutant watermelon resembling a huge ass and for failing to remove all the site's videos of cats eating actual watermelon.


Frieda, seen here in this photo, is known as Everett's 'Fruit-Porn Queen.'

"That one photo did her in..." said Seattle Assistant District Attorney Freya, a 6-year-old, spayed, Bengal cat who is originally from Orpington, U.K. "I have not seen it (the image). I believe it has become known as 'The Motherlode.' It is the most horribly pornographic image since 'Two Cats One Bowl.'"

"It’s so shocking…It’s huge...It looks like my wife’s ass," said one admitted food-porn addict named Bubbykins, a 5-year-old, Former Feral Manx from Auburn. "But I can’t stop looking at it…It's insane!"

According to reports, the scandalous photo hit the net and spread like a virus, much faster than anyone could stop it.


Assistant District Attorney Freya is pleased with the outcome

"The photograph clearly violates all laws of human decency," Freya said. "The only good thing to come of it is that we were successful in shutting the website down and getting the image off the net, so hopefully no one will ever have to see it again."

The now-defunct website was called 'Seeds' in reference to the tasty bits found inside of watermelons and other juicy, equally obscene, fruits.

The site was also known as the cat world's equivalent of YouTube, where watermelon photos, both whole and sliced, are always appreciated and sought after.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
That Watermelon Photo: I'm never telling!
Cat Photos-
Frieda (Who is over the Rainbow Bridge): Thanks to Jenny Lee Ryan
The Tarhill Triplets: Thanks to Sarah DuVal
Freya Cat: Freya the cat!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Missing Scratching Post May Be Victim Of Foul Play


Stanwood, WA

After searching a huge area roughly the size of a small bedroom for the past 72 hours straight, Stanwood Police say they have no clues to help them regarding the disappearance of a catnip-scented scratching post this last Friday night.

The toy, an 8-month-old, rope, wood, and carpet, scratching post named Lawrence, was last seen on the fake hardwood floor of the kitchen where it lived with three cats and one kitten since moving from purrfectposts.com.

"As soon as Lawrence went missing I called the cops," said Tiny Bob, a 2-year-old, neutered, Siamese. "They alerted the State Patrol immediately due to its young age...I think they feared kidnapping."


Tiny Bob was quick to alert police

Neighbors say they hope the scratching post didn’t try to cross the dangerous street outside the family’s home, where two-way traffic has claimed the lives of many squirrels, cats, and other inanimate objects over the past years.

The owner of the post, a young kitten named Bugsy, has remained locked in his bedroom, lighting candles, crying and praying for the loved post's safe return. "I used to pee on it...a little," Bugsy sadly admitted to the Gazette.

"Usually in these types of cases the (toy) has just wandered off and will be found by a neighbor or good Samaritan," said Stanwood Police Detective Mike Dixon.


Bugsy, seen here in happier times, said “I used to pee on it…”

"However, we are now looking deeper into this case after finding evidence of (Lawrence's) carpet fibers spattered near the front door and some defensive scratch marks near the kitchen,’ he continued. “There is evidence here possibly suggesting foul play,"

The family is hoping for the best, and neighbors and relatives have gathered at the home to await any news of the beloved post.

"This could be a case of mistaken identity," said search and rescue volunteer Hagrid, an 8-year-old, neutered, Maine Coon. "Its possible someone thought he was rubbish, and threw him out, or worse."


Lawrence’s family is devastated due to his disappearance

Friends say the family lives in fear of a ransom note with horrid demands, like body parts or large sums of cash, or a phone call demanding impossible things at a moment’s notice.

Anyone with news or information about the missing post is encouraged to alert local authorities. Meanwhile, the family is busy forging checks and stock certificates, quickly preparing a reward for information leading to Lawrence's safe return.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random
Scratching Post (& post pics) available at Purrfect Posts

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Obscene Watermelons Found At Local Cat’s Home Used As Porn, Police Say


Seattle, WA

Police entered a home in Lynnwood and recovered over 39 striped, green, underage watermelons from the basement of a local cat, who has yet to be found. This just the latest in the recent rise of ‘food-porn’ involving the delicious, mouth-watering, California grown fruit.

Police say the cat in question, a fat, 5-year-old, Domestic Short Hair named Ricky, was photographing both himself and other cats playing with the watermelons and posting them on lewd watermelon-porn websites for display.

The melons, bursting, ripe, and juicy, are thought to have been purchased from random supermarkets throughout the Edmonds-Lynnwood area.


One of the lewd photographs featuring an obscenely overripe, green melon

“He’d go in and buy one or two melons at Trader Joe‘s or Albertson‘s, you know, so he didn’t look too suspicious,” said neighbor Jellie, a 12-year-old, spayed Siamese who often saw him unloading his minivan hurriedly into his garage. “Then he’d go to the store right next door and buy more. It was a filthy habit. He ought to be ashamed!”

Many housewives and kittens have been rightly outraged and indeed shocked to accidentally catch their spouses, loved-ones, and/or Domestic Partners hungrily gazing, open-mouthed, at graphic and shocking photos of the watermelons on the internet. The Kitty City Gazette was first to report, just last month, these sad tales of disgust and anguish.

“Sometimes it’s just watermelons,” said Lynnwood Crime Scene Detective Vince Thomas. “Sometimes it is cats and watermelons in the same shot. Either way, it is disgusting and filthy and needs to be stopped before it becomes a massive worldwide epidemic.”


Police are looking for Ricky, a known watermelon porn addict

“This kind of shit ruined my marriage,” said Laverne, a 9-year-old, spayed Scottish Fold. “My husband was spending hours on his laptop, telling me he was on eBay looking at car parts for his Firebird…well, he was looking all right, at dang-all watermelons!”

Many other cats in the neighborhood agreed they’d heard of the recent upswing in the amount of food-porn viewed by their partners and also agreed that the fruit itself is being exploited.

“The sad thing is that the watermelons really have no control over what happens to them,” said Police Chief Ed Sanders. “They are young and will go home with pretty much anybody. They are also without the use of limbs or any sort of mobility. It is sad, but they are really the victims here.”


Police say the watermelons are the real victim in this type of devilish crime

One cat who would not give her name said her husband has had a habit of looking at cats with watermelons for years, and that they’d tried therapy three times and failed. “It does nothing at all for my body image, I can say that, and the audacity of them, to show all that red, ripe flesh,” she declared.

Authorities are hot on the topic of stopping watermelon porn in its entirety, but say the problem might be growing at too fast a rate to control without government intervention and help.

“Right now there are no laws to protect watermelon, honeydews, or any other types of melons,” said Officer Thomas, “It is the type of thing we will need to bring to up at local and state department levels and get legislation passed for the safety of these and other fine, fresh, or previously frozen fruits.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Obscene!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Marriage Proposal Severed After Cat Admits Star Wars Addiction


Edmonds, WA

A local cat is saddened today, for he had kept his secret hidden for a long while. It wasn’t until his fiancée requested a visit to his basement that all Hell broke loose.

Kandee Kane, a 4-year-old, Domestic Short Hair Tuxedo Cat, had successfully proposed to Serena Round-Rump, a 3-year-old, Siamese Mix, just six months before during a romantic fish dinner at Anthony’s Home Port.

They had met some two years before at a bookstore, where Serena Round-Rump was perusing Horse magazines. After a year of dating, the two decided to get married and planned on having kittens right away.


Serena said she was glad to have found out about his condition “sooner, rather than later…”

It turned out Kandee had been trying to ‘let go’ of his Star Wars addiction for years. Even the extremes of therapy and water-torture did not work for this young cat who was once openly obsessed with the way of the Jedi.

“So when you said I was your first, you really weren’t kidding, were you?” Serena asked Kandee, who hung his head and did not reply. Serena did admit she was happy to have found out about his habits “sooner, rather than later…”

“In terms of addiction, I was what you called ‘out.’” Kandee told the Gazette. “I went to comic conventions, had two Star Wars blogs, and inventoried my action figures and spaceships regularly.”


Kandee’s room is perfect for his collection of toys large and small

Kandee said everything changed when he met Serena and friends advised him to rid himself of the habit or risk losing the girl.

“I started seeing a therapist,” Kandee said. “I put all of my Star Wars stuff in the basement and locked the door. Whenever she came over and asked to go into the basement I just changed the subject and told her how pretty she looked.”

All of Kandee’s dreams were squashed when Serena tripped over a yard gnome while playing badminton and accidentally fell through the basement window (luckily landing on a specially made Star Wars Hoth-inspired beanbag chair, however).

What she saw shocked her. A massive collection of toys, stuffed to the highest spot on the wall. Star Wars merchandise and toys, everywhere. Everything from Wookie-jars, a life-size Stormtrooper, and specially printed Jedi toilet paper.


Longtime fan and friend Pooky is glad Kandee is no longer engaged

“I was horrified,” she said. “Horrified that he could have kept something of this scale from me. What was he thinking? All this time I’d asked him if he liked Star Trek or Star Wars and he kept reassuring me ‘no, no way, not me, I like lacrosse, and Ashton Kutcher movies.’”

“I tried to put it all aside, to put (Star Wars) in a genre and not let it control me,” said Kandee. “But how can you realistically shut out a side of who you really are for a girl?”

Kandee has since openly re-joined the Rebel Alliance Twitter page and sent in a renewal for the Star Wars Fan Club magazine for the first time since dating Serena. He also recently placed an order for a limited edition ‘Greedo is a Hater’ t-shirt which he is very excited about.

“I feel like my old self again,” he told the Gazette, proudly wearing his Darth Vader costume and smiling proudly. “I feel like she didn’t let me be who I really am so now I am going to take time for myself and catch up on all the Episode 2 Robot Chicken episodes that I missed.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: From AWESOME people who love Star Wars and Cats!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Hundreds Of Smurfs Feared Dead In Local Litterbox


Arlington, WA

Six more Smurfs found buried yesterday in a local litterbox bring the total found up to 100 as allegations fly and persons of suspicion are questioned regarding this macabre crime.

Over the last six months, a series of Smurf murders have remained unsolved and the bodies accumulating, having been randomly discovered buried in local litterboxes throughout the borders of this once calm and sleepy-eyed small town.

This time, the sad, dismembered, blue and white plastic remains were found under a thick, clumped pile of litter in an Arlington home beside scraps of a velveteen catnip mouse, and what appears to be an old Playmobil action figure. It is believed at least one Smurf’s skull was decapitated before its untimely death.


This witness feels bad for the families of the missing and dead Smurfs

Arlington Police said a sniffer dog, who found some of the first remains, has identified six other Smurf burial sites in and around the home where the litterbox was found.

“I feel terrible for the families,” said Witness Jacob, a 2-year-old, neutered, Former Feral Domestic Short Hair who attends Arlington High School. “I can’t imagine their grief.”

Specially designed search and rescue equipment has confirmed specific areas of interest and Arlington Police said they could not rule out the possibility that "hundreds more" Smurfs might be found by the end of the year.


This photo was taken before Vanity Smurf disappeared, his mirror was never found

“We have no idea at this time who or what is killing all these Smurfs,” Police officer Mark Jujubee, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair said at a press conference held this afternoon. “This type of crime is sick, just sick, and we are looking at a serial killer now.”

The Smurfs whose bodies have been recovered, some with missing limbs and accessories, all were reported missing by their families earlier this year. Most were students or fast food workers who met their untimely ends at the hands of a brutal maniac.

“I live next door to the home where the bodies were discovered,” said Doris Cherry-Tart, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “I knew something was going on in that house when I saw all them pizzas being delivered. Maybe he (or she) is keeping them alive before they kill them.”


These litterboxes are being held as evidence in the case

Doris Cherry-Tart said the owners of the home in question had rented it out some months back and they had never seen any pizzas delivered there before.

Workers, aided by cranes and backhoes, searched through the litterbox for more Smurf bodies, but found no more.

American Red Cross workers served hot coffee and apple fritters to rescue workers who took turns searching for more missing Smurfs. Meanwhile, members of one of the missing Smurf's family spent time inside the home receiving counseling, one official said.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Mysterious Cat Appears In Breakfast Cereal


Seattle, WA

A young couple in Queen Anne got a mighty big surprise today after their breakfast cereal mysteriously turned into a small, Scottish Fold cat.

Hensley and Heidi, both 3-year-old, Domestic Short Hairs, were ready to enjoy a bowl of Fiber One cereal for breakfast when the cat suddenly appeared in Heidi’s bowl.

Hensley stated that no less than 30 seconds after he poured the milk her bowl, a small, scared-looking cat began to arise from the milky depths.


Heidi was ‘terrified’ at the appearance of the cat

Heidi stated that she was, in fact, ‘terrified’ by the abrupt appearance of the cat in her cereal bowl. Afraid to summon another cat, Hensley refrained from pouring any milk into his cereal.

The cat, who appeared otherwise healthy, finally stepped out of the bowl, shook off the extra milk, and began to lick himself clean.

The couple alerted Seattle Police who promptly came to their aid. The couple set out a small pillow bed for the strange cat, who then lay down and fell asleep, as if tired from its journey.

Investigators said they could find no evidence of a time portal or other space/time continuum device that could have made the cat appear.


Hensley and Heidi plan to adopt the cat

It's not that we didn't want another kitten,“ Heidi told police about their refusal to pour any more milk and possibly summon more kittens. “It's just not how we really expected to go about having one, I was kinda hoping for sex."

"I think we'll keep him," said Heidi. "We were considering starting a family soon anyhow. And he's not that big, and appears to like cereal, which we eat alot of."

The Seattle Police are calling it a 'happenstance' incident with no purported cause.

Just last month in Japan, a young mother cat was preparing rice for her kittens when a small Domestic Short Hair kitten appeared in her rice maker. No one is certain whether the two incidents are related. The cat, now called Ichiban, was adopted by the family who found him.


This cat, now called Ichiban, suddenly appeared in a rice cooker outside a Tokyo suburb

"Hey, look, no one was hurt here so we are just hoping for the best possible outcome,” said Seattle Police Chief Ricky Statlin of the strange incident.

The cat, who refuses to speak, will be temporarily remanded into DSHS custody until proper adoption papers can be managed.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random, but thanks to Stephen for the bowl pic!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Kellogg's Product Recall Involves Underage Kittens


Seattle, WA

Multiple families of cats were shocked last night when they opened boxes of Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts and discovered an underage kitten inside.

“My God,” exclaimed Sweet Praline, a 6-year-old, spayed, Tortoise Shell, “I hungrily opened the box and promptly dropped it…there was a (expletive) kitten inside!”

The Seattle Police Department has long been investigating mob activity involving the trading and selling of underage kittens. The police now believe they have discovered the methods the mob was using to ship the young kittens from place to place.


An upset Sweet Praline discovered a small kitten in her box of Pop-Tarts

The underage kittens are bought and sold exactly as seen in human trafficking. That being the commerce and trade in the movement or migration of underage kittens, both legal and illegal.

Seattle police believe local mobsters are trading the kittens for the purposes of slavery, prostitution, forced labor (including bonded labor or debt bondage), and indentured servitude.

Hundreds of young kittens have been reported missing in the greater Seattle area in recent months and some of the kittens on that list have turned up in boxes of Pop-Tarts.


Local residents have noticed an increase in the number of young missing kittens

“Last night there were 54 calls received at the station,” said Police Chief Momo, a 16-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold. “A few of the kittens’ names matched up to the missing kitten database…we called Kellogg’s and requested an immediate product recall.”

The Kellogg’s company instantly recalled over 250,000 boxes of cherry, strawberry, and wild berry Pop-Tarts in an effort to help local authorities.

Authorities said they will create a task force to piece together the apparent link between the missing kittens and the Pop-Tart boxes.


Sweet Praline vowed to remain ‘vigilant’

“The good news is that some of those kittens are home safe now,” said Sweet Praline, touched by the incident, “We must be vigilant, and all band together to stop this type of crime.”

Indeed, even President Obama, in a speech to the United Nations General Assembly, raised the issue of underage kitten trafficking and asked leaders of the world to work together to end it.

Cat Photos Courtesy: Sweet Praline
Copyright Sharyn Thoma