Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Combative Obama Promises “Free Kittens To Everyone” In State Of The Union Address

Washington, D.C.

In an effort to appeal to America's recession-racked moodiness, a combative President Barack Obama exhorted the public today in his State of the Union address.

Taking a populist approach in an effort to recapture the thrill and excitement of his original campaign, Obama promised a free box of “cute, cuddly kittens” to every family.

The proposal stated clearly that everyone who has been hard-hit by the economic depression will receive a box of cute, cuddly kittens. “How can this not make everyone smile? Everyone loves a cute, cuddly kitten,” Obama stated.

This comes as a great relief to those cats who have still not received compensation from his “Cheezburger Stimulus Package” proposed one year ago. President Obama also touted the many benefits of owning kittens, including lowered blood pressure and reduced open hostility toward others.

President Obama promised “a box of cute, cuddly kittens” to every American

Obama weaved an “us against them” rhetoric into his appearance, telling the audience that he "will never stop fighting" to get these fuzzy, sweet kittens into the hands of those who need them, not just those already well off.

“Let me be clear, if you agree to do this with me, I will also be your best friend,” Obama sternly said. “I will be your bestest, bestest, best friend, ever.”

After the address was given, Obama's day had the feel of a day from his earliest campaign. He grinned, bantered and joked his way through the day, feeling secure about his kitten plan.

President Obama said “I will be your bestest, bestest, best friend”

President Obama then stated that being a “bestest of best friend” would also entail “…reading all of your Facebook posts, your Tweets, even the ones where you brag about what your husband does for a living or where you ate lunch that day.”

The President assailed Washington and Wall Street alike, hoping to connect with public's frustration and position himself as the solution and not the problem. “I think everyone loves kittens,” he said.

In response to a suggestion that many people did not use or need kittens, Obama said he wanted to be clear. “As commander in chief, obviously, I reserve the option to do what I think is going to be best for the American people at that point in time.”

Obama believes the kitten bill will make everyone “feel good”

“And if my kitten bill doesn’t work, then yes, we’re going to be changing approaches,” Obama sternly explained to Republicans, who believe this is all just a "big box of fluff and hype."

When a reporter suggested that Obama seemed to lack emotion in delivering his State of the Union address, the President responded by simply saying that at least he didn’t take the Republican stance of “let them go take a Prozac,” as delivered by former President George W. Bush. “Kittens are always a better answer than drugs,” Obama said.

President Obama also mounted an impassioned defense of his crisis-haunted failure to keep Conan O‘Brien in his 11:35 Tonight Show time slot, and admitted to facing personal doubts over the "painfully slow" pace of the changes he has promised.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma


kkkkkoolio~~ said...

When I saw the title to this one I knew I had to go in the men's room and read it.


Maybe this plan will work!

Mike in Talahassee, FLA said...

What a post for the day! Now all I will be able to think about tonight during the State of the Union is cute fuzzy kitties. Great solution!

Anonymous said...

oh my god.

so funny.

“Let me be clear, if you agree to do this with me, I will also be your best friend,”

that's the line. its super!

I'll be YOUR bestest of best friend, ever, if you keep writing like this!

Kevin J. said...

Let me be clear,

this is so great!

It's already been around my entire office. Loved it.

jimmy and carli said...

Where's ma big box of kitteh?

Someone tweet this to Rachel Maddow, or FOX!

One Cats Nip said...

I think it's more like I'LL be his bestest best friend if he gives me a giant box of free kittens

Khyra The Siberian Husky And Sometimes Her Mom said...

I knew I liked this felleh!

Khytteh Belleh fur ME?


Freya's Staff said...

There's only one kitten I'd want, and this one beats any box of kittens you can care to offer!!!

Angel and Kirby said...

Very funny.