Thursday, September 16, 2010

Gas Explosion Caused By Fiber One Bars Not Faulty Pipeline, ATF Says

Edmonds, WA

Three Lynndale Elementary School classrooms were completely destroyed yesterday by a terrifying series of gas explosions that hospitalized nine and injured over 20 cats and kittens.

Investigators sent from the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) concluded the gas emanated from a cat who ate an entire box of Fiber One granola bars rather than a crack in a gas pipeline as was believed earlier.

The cat in question later admitted to the farts that caused the explosions.

Gas clouds reached up to 500 feet high, witnesses said

“The first thing I heard was a rumble, then all of the sudden a big explosion, like BOOM," said Chester, a 2-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The heat (from the farts) shot up the rows and the gas (from the farts) engulfed the classroom.”

The blasts shot a fireball into the air that consumed several wall maps and a globe in an instant. One cat was blasted free from his britches, which were incinerated by the dense heat.

After the initial explosions, the (fart) gas clouds reached up to 500 feet high and could be seen from space.

“It was…like BOOM,” said Chester

Temperatures and odors from the blast were so extreme that when the first fire truck got to the scene, its windshield immediately cracked and witnesses saw paint bubbling up on parked cars, one official said.

One lethal fume crept out an open window and seared an eight inch hole through the soft canvas top of a 2006 Jeep Wrangler.

The (fart) explosions left a 15-foot crater at its epicenter.

Nine cats suffered second degree burns on their arms and tails from the radiating temperatures. One cat, who was seated behind the (farter), has a scalded pink bald stripe down the center of his skull.

Fiber One bars are well known to cause gas attacks and have been linked to terrorist groups since 2007

ATF investigators crawled the pipes under the building and determined them to be safe, they then captured and questioned a cat who had been seen hiding Fiber One Bar wrappers under some rocks.

“Now that the source of the (farts) has been determined and contained we are certain there is no longer a threat,” said Edmonds Fire Chief Crickets, a 13-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “The building is now safe.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette


MyCatsRule said...

LOL - guess Fiber One bars are the next banned items on aircraft!

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Beautiful, just beautiful...the pattern of spit out coffee on my laptop screen that is.

AM said...

Remind me to give those Fiber One bars a MISS next time I'm at the grocery store! Yikes!

invisiliz said...

You warned us, and it was definitely worth the wait. An instant classic!

Anonymous said...

If only this article had been written earlier because I had to find out on my own how lethal one Fiber One bar can be.

JohnZimmerman said...

Speaking of lethal, I'm currently paying for eating 8 of these yesterday. I can't sleep because of the bloating, and even if I could, I'd wake up from the sound of my 110 db butt trumpet going off every 2 minutes. I coined a term for this - infinigas(TM)