Sunday, January 31, 2010

Fight With Coffee Pot Ends Badly For Local Cat


Lynnwood, WA

One cat was scalded and an entire bag of coffee beans were killed when a scuffle with a Coffee Pot went bad in a local home.

Hank, a 5-year-old, neutered, American Tabby Cat, said he had jumped up on the kitchen countertop to spray and mark his favorite corner when a Coffee Pot saw him and tried to stop him.

The Pot, a 6-year-old, red, Kitchen Aid, 12-cup, Programmable Coffee Maker, was also injured.


This Red Kitchen Aid Coffee Pot said he was just trying not to spill the beans

Hank said he felt “something snake” around his leg and realized the sneaky Coffee Pot had snagged him with its double-strength insulated cord in an attempt to topple him off the countertop.

Panic-stricken, Hank sprayed what little area he could and then in attempt to prevent himself from falling, thrashed about on all four legs, accidentally knocking over a bag of Seattle Mountain Costa Rican brand coffee beans.

“I didn’t mean to do it,” Hank told Lynnwood Police. “It was an accident. I was just trying to protect myself from the (Coffee Pot).”


Witnesses saw the accident but were afraid to intervene

In reports from the investigation police are officially calling the coffee bean deaths “collateral damage” and ruling it an “accident.”

Witnesses at the scene said when the bag of beans fell off the counter, the Coffee Pot “just panicked” and tried to save the beans.

The Coffee Pot bravely broke free of its cord, which was attached to the wall at the time, and lurched out in an attempt to grab the bag.


All of these beans lost their lives in the scuffle

Sadly, the Coffee Pot fell off its perch and fell to the floor, sustaining injuries to the water warmer and to the glass. All injuries were small and treated at a local appliance repair shop.

Hank sprained his neck and was scalded with coffee as a result of the Pot’s attempt to save the beans, but says he understands, and that his hair will eventually grow back.

The Coffee Pot has since filed a Workers’ Compensation claim stating he was injured in the line of duty.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Pot & Bean Photos: Me
Others: Thanks Erin J.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Combative Obama Promises “Free Kittens To Everyone” In State Of The Union Address


Washington, D.C.

In an effort to appeal to America's recession-racked moodiness, a combative President Barack Obama exhorted the public today in his State of the Union address.

Taking a populist approach in an effort to recapture the thrill and excitement of his original campaign, Obama promised a free box of “cute, cuddly kittens” to every family.

The proposal stated clearly that everyone who has been hard-hit by the economic depression will receive a box of cute, cuddly kittens. “How can this not make everyone smile? Everyone loves a cute, cuddly kitten,” Obama stated.

This comes as a great relief to those cats who have still not received compensation from his “Cheezburger Stimulus Package” proposed one year ago. President Obama also touted the many benefits of owning kittens, including lowered blood pressure and reduced open hostility toward others.


President Obama promised “a box of cute, cuddly kittens” to every American

Obama weaved an “us against them” rhetoric into his appearance, telling the audience that he "will never stop fighting" to get these fuzzy, sweet kittens into the hands of those who need them, not just those already well off.

“Let me be clear, if you agree to do this with me, I will also be your best friend,” Obama sternly said. “I will be your bestest, bestest, best friend, ever.”

After the address was given, Obama's day had the feel of a day from his earliest campaign. He grinned, bantered and joked his way through the day, feeling secure about his kitten plan.


President Obama said “I will be your bestest, bestest, best friend”

President Obama then stated that being a “bestest of best friend” would also entail “…reading all of your Facebook posts, your Tweets, even the ones where you brag about what your husband does for a living or where you ate lunch that day.”

The President assailed Washington and Wall Street alike, hoping to connect with public's frustration and position himself as the solution and not the problem. “I think everyone loves kittens,” he said.

In response to a suggestion that many people did not use or need kittens, Obama said he wanted to be clear. “As commander in chief, obviously, I reserve the option to do what I think is going to be best for the American people at that point in time.”


Obama believes the kitten bill will make everyone “feel good”

“And if my kitten bill doesn’t work, then yes, we’re going to be changing approaches,” Obama sternly explained to Republicans, who believe this is all just a "big box of fluff and hype."

When a reporter suggested that Obama seemed to lack emotion in delivering his State of the Union address, the President responded by simply saying that at least he didn’t take the Republican stance of “let them go take a Prozac,” as delivered by former President George W. Bush. “Kittens are always a better answer than drugs,” Obama said.

President Obama also mounted an impassioned defense of his crisis-haunted failure to keep Conan O‘Brien in his 11:35 Tonight Show time slot, and admitted to facing personal doubts over the "painfully slow" pace of the changes he has promised.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Taco Shop Worker Injured Over Rice Dispute


Lynnwood, WA

A local pup named Jojo is missing a limb, but is alive and well after an attempt was made on his life by an Edmonds cat, who is also charged with hiring a hit man to kill him.

A criminal complaint filed Friday alleged the cat, Pattie, a 9-year-old, neutered, Tortoise Shell wanted the pup killed because he allegedly gave the Pug in front of her in line extra rice.

According to police documents, Jojo, a 9-month-old, neutered, Chow-Chow Mix, was working the closing shift at Taco Guayamas in Lynnwood when a masked cat entered through a side door and began pelting him with frozen fish fillets.


Pattie said she felt she was “truly wronged” in the rice incident

Police were called after customers finally stopped eating and rushed to his rescue. They dialed 911, grabbed some of the fish fillets, and quickly fled the restaurant.

Interviewed by police, Jojo confessed on his previous shift he had been accused by a hungry-looking Tortoise Shell of giving the Pug in front of her "extra rice and more salsa."

Jojo said the cat had become ‘incensed’ at the event and ran screaming from the restaurant, promising revenge.


This Pug bravely admitted to getting “…more rice than she did”

Police followed a trail of crumbled frozen fish beer batter which led them straight to the home of Pattie, who later admitted she had gotten hungry and eaten the leftover fillets on the way home after the attack.

In a confession, Pattie said she’d offered a would-be hit man $35,000 to beat and kill the restaurant worker, but realized she didn't have the money and opted to do it herself.

The case includes allegations that Pattie had stalked the Taco Guyamas employee “for days” and possessed a number of weapons, in addition to the frozen fish.


The Pug reportedly received 20% more rice than Pattie did

A public defender who will represent Pattie in court next Tuesday said the tragedy could have been easily avoided by using a single, pre-measured rice scoop.

“Everyone knows how it feels when they guy in line in front of you gets a larger portion of something than you do,” said attorney Red Butte, a 6-year-old, Domestic Short Hair. “The (Pug) definitely got more rice than Pattie did. But there are laws to deal with this…no one should ever take the law into their own hands.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Thanks to Jake, Redrum44, and Icon

Friday, January 22, 2010

Diving Cat Attacked By LEGO Shark Bravely Cheated Death


Edmonds, WA

A local cat practicing his skills at the Edmonds Underwater Diving Park today was viciously attacked by a 3-inch plastic, Great White LEGO Shark and airlifted to the hospital with torso and thigh injuries.

The LEGO shark also bit a Mexican tourist on the ankle last Monday while the man stood in chest-deep water at the same park, police said. This latest attack is the second LEGO shark attack in the state in a week.

Ramses, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, was rushed to Harborview Hospital in Seattle, where he is currently in serious condition and lucky to be alive, a hospital spokeswoman said.


This calm Edmonds beach was the site of the vicious LEGO attack

“It is a confirmed LEGO attack,” Edmonds Police said. “Someone else in the water with Ramses saw LEGOs in the area.” One witness claimed the shark measured at least 40 feet long, which rescuers were not able to confirm.

Experts believe the LEGO sharks are moving closer to shore due to overcrowding and increasingly poor conditions within the LEGO Pirate environment they originated in. Interviewed for the Gazette, the shark did not comment.

“It is a sad thing for them (the LEGO sharks),” said ex-LEGO Pirate Black Bart, a spokesperson for the Save the LEGO Sharks Coalition. “Last time I was there conditions were poor. Many of these sharks cannot read or write, and are not allowed to borrow their parents’ cars.”


In an exclusive interview, ex-Pirate Black Bart said he’d “give his right arm to help…”

Bart said economic conditions for the Pirates have worsened over the last 12-months and sadly, there are sharks out there with no fresh water to drink, and no access to medical care.

“I'd give my right arm to be able to help the poor things,” said Bart. “But unfortunately, I already gave one.” Bart lost his left arm attempting to feed a bowl of porridge to a malnourished young LEGO shark back in 2007.

Paramedics confirmed Ramses' wounds were consistent with a LEGO shark bite. The gashes were one inch in diameter and clearly showed evidence of their plastic articulated LEGO jaw.


Sadly, abuse from by Pirates like these is driving more and more angry sharks to shore

“We are out there right now letting people know, notifying people on the beach about what happened,” Police said. The underwater diving center has since been closed down due the attacks until LEGO Pirates can be reached for comment.

“People don’t realize these sharks are living in Third World conditions,” Bart said. “People call them beasts, but there are thousands of (sharks) suffering from Pirate abuse and neglect.”

State officials closed all the beaches from Bremerton to Mukilteo, until representatives from the State Police can contact LEGO Pirates. Police added that various cats had been inexplicitly attacked with plastic cannonballs on the beach in the past.


Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Ramses Photo: He was my 2nd cat!
LEGO Interview: Me
Others: Random

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Local Teddy Bear Files For Separation From Once-Beloved Cat


Edmonds, WA

A local Teddy Bear has filed for legal separation in the Snohomish County Courthouse from the cat he has been sleeping with since 2007, court papers show. The cat, Darryl, is a 5-year-old, neutered, Russian Blue.

In papers filed yesterday, Honey, a 4-year-old, stuffed, Teddy Bear made from 100% polyester fibers, cited irreconcilable differences for the break in their 3-year affair and is seeking sole custody of their favorite pillow, with weekend visitation for Darryl.

Honey is also asking for an unspecified amount of money for pillow support, including new pillowcases and liners. She said she will eventually seek a divorce.


Honey found Darryl had profiles on Facebook and myspace.com where he was listed as ‘single’ and 'smart'

It is the second split for the pair. Honey threatened to file for divorce in 2008 after she caught Darryl having a fling with a purple Care Bear Cousin named Eloise he’d met at a Target store.

The two later reconciled after a bitter dispute over whether or not he was hiding candy from her. There is no prenuptial agreement in place.

It has since been discovered that Darryl had been leading a secret double life on the internet, where he had social networking accounts at Facebook and myspace.com and portrayed himself as ‘single’ and ‘a player’ as far back as 2007.


Darryl used this sexy self-portrait as his profile picture on Facebook, where he could search for other stuffed animals

Friends of the couple have said they “knew” this was coming and that in recent times the relationship between the two looked “…strained and deliberate.”

Honey said she once loved Darryl, but had it with his “wandering eye.” She caught him multiple times surfing online at sites like toysrus.com and faoschwartz.com staring at fluffy, brightly-colored stuffed animals.

“It made me sick, just sick,” she admitted. “A neighbor of ours told me once they saw him at the Build-A-Bear store at the mall…all I could think was that he was going to build himself the perfect girlfriend. I lost a button over that one.”


Eloise, who admitted an affair with Darryl, said she knew (the couple) wouldn’t last

Despite their disagreements about other animals, Honey says she tried to talk and reason with Darryl on many occasions but instead he rudely told her to “get stuffed.”

Honey was dying to know where Darryl went all day while she stayed home in bed waiting for him to return. “‘Is he off drinking with the guys or is there some calico in his lap?’ That’s all I could think about,” she said.

“I knew he was seeing someone when he stopped sleeping with me at night,” sobbed Honey. “He is a child, that cat, he can’t sleep at night without a teddy bear or he’ll wet the bed. Believe me, if it isn’t me, there’s someone.”


Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos By Me!