Saturday, March 5, 2011

Godzilla Admits He Was A Victim Of Bullying As A Young Reptile

Edmonds, WA

In an exclusive interview today Godzilla told the Kitty City Gazette he was bullied as a young reptile.

Long before he crushed cars, buildings and countless Japanese people to death, Godzilla, a 56-year-old Giant Daikaiju Monster, said he was “viciously teased” by classmates who mocked his shyness, short arms, and the strange way he walked.

Godzilla, who has admitted to eating small children in the past, said he threw his very first punch at the age of just 5 when a Pug dog took one of his beloved Barbie dolls and ate it. As Godzilla grew older the bullying by his peers spread until he became a neighborhood target.

Pugs, so often the victims of acts of bullying and embarrassment themselves, are well-known for their acts of bullying others

Godzilla said one afternoon a bunch of school-age cats ridiculed him for looking like a cross between a giant gorilla and a fat whale. “I just lost it and started eating train cars,” he said, “and from that moment on, violence became my answer to everything I didn't like.”

Godzilla’s mother Linda, who is a telemarketer, said the attacks and bullying gradually became so bad she feared for Godzilla's safety every time he left their cave. "I worried about what it was doing to his head,“ she said, “he was so much bigger than the other kids, but he lacked self-esteem and learned to react negatively."

Linda stated she hopes now her son’s attempt to come to terms with his past will help other young people and monsters today who may be victims themselves.

“I just lost it and started eating train cars,” Godzilla said

“(The bullying) made me so angry,“ said Godzilla. “And over the years I took it out on others, often violently.”

Godzilla said bullies would trip him, pin him down, and pour dog food in his mouth, then kick him between the legs calling him names like “monster face” and “retard.”

Experts agree the experience of being bullied can end up causing lasting psychological damage to victims. This is self-evident in Godzilla’s case, where his anger and frustration culminated later in the mass destruction of cars, buildings, and even entire Japanese cities in his search for catharsis.

Experts say bullying often leads to more bullying behavior

These days Godzilla lives with his mother and said he has no more problems with his self-esteem. He said he feels he is “finally mentally strong and centered” and says he now enjoys his free time playing Warcraft and is adept at ping-pong and yoga.

He and his mother hope to travel the rest of the Pacific Northwest and discuss reasons why bullying only leads to further and sometimes much more violent bullying.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Friday, March 4, 2011

Creeping Ivy Acquitted Of Double Tree Murder

Edmonds, WA

A clump of ground-creeping ivy accused of murdering 2 trees was acquitted today in Snohomish County Court on grounds of insanity.

In early 2008 the ivy, a 15-year-old clump of English Ivy named Harry, was dug up and charged with strangling to death 79-year-old Harold and 89-year-old James, both Douglas Firs, at a park in Edmonds.

The court heard testimonies from over 20 stray cats, prosecution witnesses who live in and around the park and were present on the day of the murders.

“James was my favorite tree (to pee on),” said witness Gatsby

Prosecutors described for the jury the tendency of ivy to be aggressive and destructive to trees and walls, pointing out Harry had been “opportunistic and aggressive with malice aforethought” in his attack on his victims and asked for a verdict of guilty of murder in the second degree murder and a life sentence.

Botanists for the defense pointed out there is no direct evidence ivy is specifically dangerous when growing on trees of any kind, but admitted the situation can become dangerous if there is competition for resources.

Witness Gatsby, a 2-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair stated the trees and ivy had been fighting over territorial rights for years and that this incident “had been a long time coming.”

Witness Gareth, who is a Concolor Fir, once lived at the park where the murders occurred

Psychiatrists for the defense claimed the crime was an “accident” which occurred because Harry’s innate behavior created a parasitic need for soil nutrients and water.

With his ability to reason flawed, they argued, he was not of sound mind when the deaths occurred. Harry thus lacked the mental capacity at that moment to realize what he was doing was morally wrong.

Doctors recommended hospitalization and a plea of not guilty by reason of insanity. They argued the defendant should be contained in a small, secure area to prevent the compulsion to re-offend.

Judge Raven of Edmonds said he was relieved the case was fainally over

After a grueling 72-hour session the jury returned a unanimous verdict of not guilty by reason of insanity.

Harry was later removed from the Snohomish County Jail and sent to Wight’s Nursery for hospitalization, pruning, and psychiatric treatment.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Monday, February 28, 2011

Supplements May Help Snowmen Fight Deadly Bone Disease, Say Scientists

Washington, DC

According to a new report from the CDC, supplements of calcium and vitamin D can significantly reduce bone loss and the risk of fractures in older people, including snowmen.

The detailed report of a 3-year study confirms what doctors have been seeing each Spring for years, a dramatic increase in the number of snowmen and snowomen developing the debilitating bone disease osteoporsnowsis.

“Osteoporsnowsis is a gradual thinning of snow coat and density over time,” explained Hedwig, a 12-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair who chaired the project. “It is the most common type of bone/snow disease found in middle-latitude dwelling North American and Western European Snowmen.”

“Osteoporsnowsis is a gradual thinning of snow coat and density over time,” explained Hedwig

Primary type 1 osteoporsnowsis begins to occur when the snowman fails to form a new base snow pack, when a dog pees onto the lower snowball area, or both. Onset generally occurs in late Winter, usually ending in death.

Primary type 2 osteoporsnowsis occurs after a sudden unexpected thaw occurs and is seen in both snowmen and snowomen at a ratio of 2:1. This usually results in the immediate loss of hats, button noses, limbs, corn cob pipes and sometimes heads.

Scientists say supplements tested may be effective in maintaining the entire snowman over the long term. Researchers found results beneficial to bone density at the twig, mid-snowball, and mid-to-lower lumbar snowball areas in the first year with further improved bone density of the same areas during the second and third years of the study.

A stooped back is often a tell-tale sign of osteoporsnowsis

The initial effects of supplementation at the cervical and thoracic snowball areas during the first year held steady, but did not change appreciably, over the next two years.

“I wanted Gary to start taking (the supplements) right away,” said Beverly, a 2-month-old North American Snowoman who lives in Wisconsin. “But his mouth had fallen off and when they tried to give them through an IV he was so far gone they couldn’t find a good vein in his twig.”

Snowmen have long been the target of gallows humor regarding osteoporsnowsis from local cats. They are often teased and mocked for their disabilities and taken advantage of in financial situations. This study brings hope of possible intervention by doctors.

Local cats who took advantage of the fact Fred had no arms played this nasty joke at his expense

“I wanted to move,” said Fred, a North American Snowman from North Dakota. “I’d been fired from my job of standing outside a home just after Christmas but there just aren’t any good job openings for snowmen these days, even far north.”

Problems faced by control group snowmen during the treatment included those of whom lived at lower latitudes and were doomed to melt regardless and those snowmen originally constructed missing coal mouths through which to take the supplements.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
First photo copyright Chris Coulson, who is awesome!