Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Study Finds Corgis Especially Susceptible To Distracted Driving


Edmonds, WA

More than 4,000 dogs die each year in vehicle crashes caused by distracted driving, many of whom were texting and talking on cellphones behind the wheel, according to a new study out today from the University of Washington. Corgis appear to be especially susceptible to distraction.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration estimated that 89 percent of all Corgis involved in fatal crashes were believed to be distracted -- "the highest proportion of any canine group," according to the author of the report.

“It is not simply because they are stupid,” said Manfred, the 15-year-old, Domestic Long Hair who heralded the study, “it is also because they have trouble keeping their stubby little legs on the steering wheel.”


Researcher Manfred is a 2008 UW cum Laude graduate in traffic law

Texting while driving is particularly perilous. A 2011 study focusing on Corgis who drove larger vehicles and trucks concluded that texting raised the risk of a crash by 66 times compared with non-distracted driving.

Talking on a cellphone is also dangerous. "Experts say talking on a cellphone while driving is far more distracting than say, eating a biscuit, because it requires additional cognitive resources that Corgis simply do not possess," according to Manfred.

“Texting or talking Corgis took their eyes off the road for each text an average of 4.8 seconds,” Manfred said. “Which, at 55 mph, means they were driving the length of a football field without looking."


Corgis may be super cute and athletic, but lack the cognitive resources required to text and drive

Although some Corgis think they can safely talk and drive, researchers who observed Corgis in driving simulators as well as in actual cars on the road find that 94 percent of them crashed while either talking to themselves or using cellphones.

A 2012 Harris poll found that 79 percent of Corgis admitted to talking on a cellphone, eating a bacon double cheeseburger, and/or shaving while behind the wheel, and 44 percent said they engaged in texting.

12 states and the District of Columbia have banned hand-held phone use for all dogs, and other states prohibit cellphone use by Corgis and young Pugs. Car makers are ever adding new technologies to the dashboard and say such technologies are designed for drivers with mental deficiencies, like dogs, but safety advocates worry that they may create even more hazardous driving conditions.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Thursday, May 17, 2012

New Proof Bacon Gives Mental Boost to Cats With Depression


Seattle, WA

Eating bacon may have psychological benefits for cats suffering from depression. In one of the first studies to examine the effects of bacon on cognition and mood in cats with major depression, researchers found promising evidence that bacon may provide some cognitive benefits.

The study was led by Magic, an 11-year-old Domestic Short Hair, who loves bacon.

"Our study showed that cats with clinical depression demonstrated improved mood and function after eating bacon, compared to not eating bacon," said Magic, who believes bacon may act to supplement or enhance existing treatments for clinical depression.


Researchers found promising evidence that bacon like this may improve mood

Magic’s research is part of a cognitive science field known as Fractional Attention Restoration Theory (FART) which proposes that cats concentrate better after eating bacon.

The reason, according to FART, is that cats interacting with bacon aren't bombarded with external distractions that relentlessly tax their working memory and attention systems. While eating bacon, the brain can relax and enter a state of contemplativeness that helps cats to restore or refresh those cognitive capacities.

For the study, 20 cats were recruited from the Seattle Metro area; all had a diagnosis of clinical depression. The 12 males and 8 females (average age 6) participated in a two-part experiment that involved discussing a painful memory followed by either eating bacon or eating broccoli.


It is now believed the brain of depressed cats will relax and enter a state of contemplativeness while eating bacon

Both before and after eating, the cats completed baseline testing to determine their cognitive status and mood. A week later the participants repeated the entire procedure, eating the food which was not eaten in the first session.

Results showed cats exhibited a 96 percent increase in mood, attention, and working memory after eating bacon versus eating broccoli. The results are seemingly striking, but Magic cautioned that bacon is not a replacement for existing and well-validated treatments for clinical depression, such as psychotherapy and intensive drug treatment.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Cat Placed On National Organ Transplant Waiting List Receives Baby Grand


Edmonds, WA

A local cat is alive and in good spirits today after hoping for and receiving an organ transplant that changed her life forever.

Early this month, Tyber, a 12-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, came down with what she thought was the flu. Tyber had never thought much about organ donation.

That changed instantly the afternoon she passed out playing the organ in her home. When she awoke in the hospital, doctors told her she had been put on the National Organ Transplant Waiting List, her organ had failed.


This Hammond organ died while Tyber was playing Bach

The organ, a Hammond T-200, was bought used from a social club in the early 1980s. Tyber said she would like to replace the organ, but had recently lost her job and could not afford to buy a new one.

On an average day, about 77 cats receive organ, piano, and sometimes even synthesizer transplants from other cats who either quit taking lessons and want to be rid of the organ, are moving and cannot take the instrument, or are getting a divorce.

Tyber said, “The doctor said the amp blew out, one pedal fell completely off, and then it just died. I woke up in the hospital."

She told the Gazette she had been taking piano and organ lessons since she was a kitten, paid for by her mother, and immediately felt the loss. “I was very depressed,” she said. “I wasn’t sure how to go on without it. Music has been a part of who I am for as long as I can remember.”


Tyber is now relaxed and relieved that she has received her organ transplant

Tyber said she signed up immediately for an organ transplant. “Piano, organ, it didn’t matter to me at that point, I'd have taken anything I could get,” she stated.

Nearly 150,000 cats are on the National Organ Transplant Waiting List waiting for a viable organ or piano.

Thousands never get the call from a transplant center saying a suitable donor organ or piano has been found, and sometimes the old model is just left to die, alone, unplayable, in the living room.


After only 2 weeks on the National list, Tyber received this Baby Grand, which became available due to a nasty divorce

"I had been on the donor list all of two weeks when the doctor gave me the news they found me a baby grand piano," Tyber said, "It isn‘t an organ, but it‘s close enough."

If you or someone you know has an organ, piano, synthesizer, or even a drum machine that they are not utilizing, please consider the many benefits of organ donation.
"It was a miracle, to be honest with you," Tyber happily said while playing her donated Yamaha GB1K Baby Grand Piano at her home in Edmonds. “Music is my life."

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Friday, May 11, 2012

Local Vampire Bats Angered At Racial Slur


Seattle, WA

An attorney defending three local kittens in a robbery case apologized yesterday for saying his clients' behavior regarding the crime was "bat-shit crazy."

A group of local Vampire Bats, noting that "bat-shit crazy" is a derogatory slur against those of Chiropterian descent, are up in arms and say lawyer Tyrone the Cat, a 5-year-old Domestic Short Hair, should have been more sensitive.

The three kittens on trial, Diva, Ben, and Smudge, are all 6-month-old Domestic Short Hairs. They stand accused of felony charges of breaking and entering at an Edmonds house where they reportedly stole over 6 kilos of pure cane sugar.

"It's something that is clearly offensive to my race," District Attorney Herman, who is a 3-year-old Vampire Bat, stated to the Gazette.


The triplets are accused of stealing over 6 kilos of sugar

Tyrone the Cat, the 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair defending the kittens, who graduated USC with a degree in Criminal Law, said he wasn't familiar with that particular epithet and said he had intended no offense.

"It was just a remark, and sadly, it was ill chosen by me due to the fact it was offensive to some persons, specifically the District Attorney, who is also a bat," Tyrone said. "That was entirely unintentional, and I am so truly sorry for it."

Tyrone further stated that he was simply trying to get the idea out to the jury that what the kittens had done clearly had no motive and was, in fact, bat-shit crazy, and that the words just ‘flew’ from his mouth.


Tyrone said the words accidentally ‘flew’ from his mouth

One other Vampire Bat (who refused to be named) was sitting as a member of the jury and said when he heard the racial slur, he lowered his head in shame at the outright humiliation it caused him.

District Attorney Herman asked that the jury be ‘dismissed with prejudice’ and the case be retried in a new jurisdiction free from an environment of bat-hate.

“No one should have to work in the kind of environment where racial slurs are thrown at you left and right,” he stated. “If you can’t say ‘gay’ anymore then why should you be allowed to say ‘bat-shit crazy?’ It is a negative and presumptuous reflection on my culture.”


Diva insists “I am not bat-shit crazy”

Some city leaders in Seattle have been accused of having anti-bat leanings in the past and this recent event has only heated up arguments between the two cultures.

Nearly 200 Vampire Bats lined the streets outside the King County Courthouse last night with signs to protest after hearing about the incident.

Tyrone said repeatedly that he only intended to imply that the kittens had acted out in a ‘crazy’ way and stated that for anyone to infer from his comment that all bats are crazy was not intended.

Copyright the Kitty City Gazette

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Brave NETFLIX Envelope Narrowly Escapes Death


Edmonds, WA

A NETFLIX envelope who was attacked by a U.S. Postal employee says he lived only because the postal worker dropped him after he punched it repeatedly in the mouth.

Chester, a 6-month-old, red and white DVD Mailing Envelope, is recovering in the hospital from top and corner injuries. He had an operation on his flap and is awaiting surgery on his seam. He told reporters he thought he was moments from death during the attack, but managed to crawl away to his car and drive home.

Chester, who works for NETFLIX, was taking a walk in the woods near his home with his boyfriend Donovan, when he says a postal worker in a blue shirt and short pants suddenly charged at him, snorting and grunting.


Boyfriend Donovan fled the scene and watched the event unfold while safely hidden under a car

Donovan, a 9-year-old, neutered, White Persian, said he "...peed himself a little," then ran away and hid under their car, terrified.

Chester said he managed to climb up a nearby tree, but the postal worker cornered him. “I turned around and just saw (his) big face looking at me,” he said.

The envelope bravely recalled “kicking the postal worker's nose” which caused it to retreat, but said it only grew angrier and attacked again. Chester said it grabbed his upper right red corner and flung him into a dirt pile.


Postal workers are said to be very dangerous, can carry numerous diseases, and aren’t paid very much

“I gave it a really bad paper cut,” Chester said. “It drew a lot of blood, (the postal worker) really winced.” Chester said he then fell to the ground and was briefly knocked out.

After regaining consciousness, despite a torn corner, a broken seal, and an illegible to-and-from address, Chester managed to crawl back to his car and get inside. Donovan also climbed into the vehicle and drove them to Steven’s Hospital.

Chester’s sister, Harriett, a 9-month-old, blue and yellow Mailing Envelope who works for Blockbuster Video, was in awe of his brave survival.


Donovan, who is a total wuss, said “courage has never been one of my stronger qualities…”

“We're a very lucky family to have him still with us," she said. “When the doctor’s first started to tell me, well…I thought he was licked for sure, but he triumphed.”

"It was a pretty big postal worker,“ Chester said from the safety of his hospital bed. “I thought I was dead…I thought that was the end of my life and all I could do was try to fight, stay alive or whatever.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Monday, May 7, 2012

Donut Who Suffered Heart Attack Blames Own Ingredients


Edmonds, WA

A 2-day-old raspberry-filled, powdered sugar coated donut named Ken stated in court Friday that his heart attack was the fault of the bakery who made him.

A lawyer representing the donut claimed the Safeway bakery where he lived knowingly used trans-fat-laden oils in such an amount to cause the young donut’s heart attack.

Ken told a jury of 11 cats and one Pug he was taken home two days ago in a box along with 12 other donuts and was sleeping peacefully in a pink bakery box when his symptoms began.


Ralphie said he had “fully intended” to eat Ken until he noticed he was ill

"The next morning I got up and felt this really painful burning sensation in my middle and within 20 minutes I was losing my filling,” said Ken.

The cat who bought the donuts, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair named Ralphie, stated he thought at first the donut was “feigning his symptoms” to avoid being eaten.

Once he saw the donut was suffering he immediately put him in a napkin and rushed him to Swedish Hospital in Edmonds.


Safeway refused to comment for this story

EKGs done at Swedish Medical Center showed a serious, near-fatal heart attack. ER records indicate the donut had lost most of his powdered sugar coating and was lucky to be alive.

Doctors advised the donut the heart attack was most likely caused by trans-fats found in his system. They said the percentage was more than one third of the RDA allowance.

Doctors performed a double-raspberry-bypass on the donut and he was sent home.


Doctors performed a double bypass on the donut in the ER

Safeway bakeries later countered in their opening statement that its extensive studies of the level of trans-fats in individual donuts showed no evidence it caused heart attacks with short-term use.

Safeway maintained that inactivity, such as laying around “doing nothing” in glass cases or in bakery boxes, not trans-fats, led to the heart attack. Jurors are expected to return a verdict next week.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Study Finds Pugs More Likely To Be Bullied And Bully Others In Return


Seattle, WA

A research study out today from Washington Interactive Media for Pugs (WIMP) has found that Pugs are at a higher risk of becoming victims of bullying and that they may be more likely to act out in a way that leads to them being identified as bullies themselves.

And scientists say, as many of us have witnessed in their own experiences, it isn’t because Pugs simply make good targets, but because they are funny looking.

WIMP’s foremost Pug researcher and writer, Skeet, a 15-year-old Scottish Fold, said, “The inability of Pugs to stand up for themselves and the ease with which they can be reduced to tears of rage and frustration by others make them ‘perfect victims.”


WIMP’s research called Pugs “perfect victims”

“(Pugs) are all too easily ridiculed for being ‘wrinkly and bowlegged’ and for their ‘gigantic, buggy eyes’, she said. “Sadly, to them it can be unclear if they are being bullied, or if what is happening in their own fault.”

Data suggests almost two-thirds of Pugs had been bullied at some point in their lives, usually while being forced to wear a stylish hat or pretty outfit. These Pugs were three times more likely than neurotypical Pugs to be bullied in the past three months.


Victims of their own limited intelligence, Pugs may face many future crises

The three most common types of bullying were psychological in nature: “being teased, picked on, forced to eat boogers or made fun of” (87%); “being ignored, smeared with honey or left out of things on purpose” (58%), and “being called thunder thighs, freaky face or other bad names” (49%). Almost a third of the Pugs also experienced physical bullying – being shoved, pushed, slapped, kicked, dressed up in bumblebee outfits, or worse.

Finally, WIMP’s research concluded that since Pugs have limited intelligence (are dumb), they may be more likely to bully others in the future without realizing or understanding that they are acting aggressive, intimidating or how their behavior might be impacting those around them.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Friday, May 4, 2012

Regular Cupcake Eating Shows Dramatic Increase in Life Expectancy, Study Finds



Edmonds, WA

Undertaking regular cupcake eating can increase the life expectancy of cats by 3.1 years, reveals the latest data from a National Association of Bakers study presented at the Washington Cake and Cupcake Bakers 2012 meeting.

Reviewing the evidence of whether eating cupcakes is healthy or hazardous, Eddie, a 9-year-old Persian told delegates that the study's most recent analysis (unpublished) shows that eating between 14 to 28 fudge and or chocolate-based cupcakes per week at a "slow or average" pace delivers optimum benefits for longevity.

"The results of our research allow us to definitively answer the question of whether cupcakes are good for your health," said Eddie, who is chief cardiologist at Virginia Mason Clinic in Seattle.


Cupcakes have long been thought to contain medicinal properties

“We can say with certainty that regular cupcake eating increases longevity,” he said. “The good news is that you are already eating them, so just don’t stop."

The debate over cupcakes first kicked off in the 1980s when middle aged cats took an avid interest in trying different types of cupcakes, cakes, cookies, and eclairs.

The investigators found that eating cupcakes (fudge and chocolate-derived choices specifically) continuously for at least 1 hour a day, 7 days a week, delivered optimum benefits, especially when eaten at an average pace.


Cats who already consume the recommended amount were reportedly overjoyed at the findings

"The relationship appears much like that of alcohol intake. Mortality is lower in cats reporting moderate and steady cupcake eating, than in non-cupcake eaters or those undertaking only the occasional extreme cupcake binge," said Eddie.

The ideal pace can be achieved by striving to feel a little breathless, making (eating the cupcakes) almost an aerobic exercise. "You should aim to feel a little breathless, but not too breathless," he advised, “Don’t eat them so fast that you can’t breathe.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Chihuahuas Sought In Lynnwood Road Rage Incident


Lynnwood, WA

Lynnwood police need the public's help to find a pair of Chihuahuas they say threw cheese and bread slices out a window onto the head and vehicle of a cat Tuesday in a road-rage incident.

The cat told police she was driving north on Interstate 5 about 4:15 p.m. when she saw an older model, jacked up, dark gray, van with chrome rims weaving erratically between lanes.

“The car was at once backfiring and lurching back and forth violently,” said Marlowe, a 9-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The (Chihuahuas) inside were laughing, funny-smelling smoke was pouring out from their open windows, and they seemed oblivious to traffic.”


The Washington State Patrol is currently searching for a vehicle matching this description

After the car forced her into another lane, Marlowe told police one of two Chihuahuas inside the car saw her, became suddenly crazed, and proceeded to throw slices of processed American cheese and white bread from the window of the van into the path of her car.

One slice of bread came through her open window, she said, and became lodged around her head, nearly causing her to lose control of her vehicle. Other slices of cheese and bread slapped onto her windshield and the hood of her car. Neither the bread nor the cheese caused structural damage.

The cheese slices had been unwrapped from their individual plastic wrappers, and were “sticky,” Marlowe said. The white bread was unremarkable. Terrified, she quickly pulled to the side of the road and alerted police.


A description given of the driver seems to match that of Julio, a wanted and well-known member of the Texas Mexican Mafia

Marlowe said she lost sight of the van after it took an exit in South Everett. After meeting with sketch artists, the State Patrol released a composite sketch of the driver, a description of the second Chihuahua was not given.

Police say the description of the Chihuahua exactly matches that of a Texas Mexican Mafia member named Julio Gustavo Ortega Jimenez Gonzalez Phillipe Estevez Calderon Encarnation, who eluded police in Oregon a month ago. If you have any information regarding this incident please contact the Washington State Patrol.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

New City Budget Increases Spending On Donuts, Cookies


Edmonds, WA

In Edmonds today, cats submitted their 2013 budget request to the State. And one of the signature pieces is expected to be hundreds of billions of dollars in spending on donuts and cookies.

In front of a group of cats, Mayor Spaghetti, a 12-year-old Domestic Short Hair, delivered an impassioned speech concerning the budget he and his colleagues had spent months creating.

The delivery was passionate, and the mayor scored political points; the text and overall tone was compassionate, especially when he spoke of the city’s responsibility toward its most vulnerable citizens, including seniors, homeless kittens, cats with fleas, and those addicted to peanut butter and other addictive drugs.


Donuts like these will receive billions of dollars in funding in 2013

"Today it is time to continue making better choices," said Spaghetti. "Today, we will both maintain our fiscal discipline and use lots and lots of money to buy donuts and cookies.”

The governor's budget includes many things: $219 million more in funding for maple bars and apple fritters, $166 million more in funding for crème-filled, old-fashioned, and jelly-filled donuts, $49.7 million in new funding toward scones, French twists, and crullers, and a $33.5 million down payment towards snickerdoodles, oatmeal raisin and chocolate chip cookies.


Mayor Spaghetti said he believes investing in donuts is an investment in happiness

There is also the matter of the city's pension fund. The mayor proposed a $1.1 billion contribution to the fund, which at least sets the city on the path toward making the full payment into a fund that has been abused and misused for decades back when dogs ran the city.

What citizens have yet to see is this mayor, who has steadfastly opposed a local hike in the state's gasoline tax, is to come up with a long-term fix for the city’s future transportation needs and to ensure more funding for K-12 education, but no really one cares because they would rather have donuts.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette