Friday, March 20, 2009

Area Cat Admits To Keeping Butter In Refrigerator


Caesar stated "...it tastes gross warm."
Edmonds, WA

An Edmonds cat reportedly admitted last night that he keeps his butter in the refrigerator, not on the counter.

The cat, Caesar, is a 3-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair male, who has lived in Edmonds his entire life. He was interviewed outside his home on a chilly night and was fairly open as to the status of his butter. I don't really use it myself, but yes, I do keep it in the fridge rather than on the countertop."


The refrigerator in Caesar's home where he keeps butter

Sources say that butter will keep for a long time refrigerated. Up to six weeks. You can also freeze this product and it will keep for over a year. "My mom always used to keep the butter out on the counter in a butter dish."

Caesar said "Personally, I always thought warm, mushy butter was kind of icky, especially in the summer."

Normal butter softens to a spreadable consistency around 15 °C (60 °F), certainly above most refrigerator temperatures. The butter section found in most refrigerators may be one of the warmest sections in it, but it still keeps butter quite cool and hard.


Butter is kept in the refrigerator or covered, in a dish on the counter

Keeping butter very tightly wrapped delays spoiling, which is also hastened by exposure to any light and air, and also helps prevent it from picking up other odors from your refrigerator.

Caesar admits that if he does use butter he simply warms it up a bit in the microwave before spreading it on toast or whatever he needs it for.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Admitted Lap Whore Seeks Treatment In Edmonds



Edmonds, WA

A local cat has sought the help of friends and family tonight after leading a life filled with multiple laps. The cat, Ovid, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair originally from Boston, MA, said that he realized he was hurting not just himself, but members of his own family by his lascivious acts of lap-swapping.

“I am a cat owned by lust.” said Ovid, “I will do anything for a warm, cozy lap to nap on.” Ovid said that he used to be an indoor cat until managing to sneak outside once too often, prompting his owners to allow him indoor/outdoor status within the household.

“I have a Human,” Ovid said, “I love her dearly, but once I got outside I realized there are so many other laps to sit on and enjoy. It became an addiction for me.”

The addiction began one afternoon when Ovid met Jim, an older man in the neighborhood who enjoyed gardening and sitting in a chair in the morning sun with a good cup of coffee. “Jim was my first affair,” said Ovid, “I wandered into his garden and was overcome with the smells of lavender and rosemary. I walked in and he was in a chair and he asked me to come up onto his lap to be petted, and well…I did.”


Ovid said that he is “owned by lust”

This first affair gave Ovid a taste for the kindness of strangers that became a thirst for personal gratification and ego-stroking on a daily basis.

“Next I met Chris, he lives next door and is much younger. He works on his car often and I would wander into the garage nonchalantly and after one look into my eyes he was captivated by me. He has spent hours petting me, brushing my hair, and whispering in my ears while he reads Chilton manuals.”

Ovid’s human began to wonder about him as he often came home late, covered in either leaves or car grease from his wild petting romps, and often smelling like another Human. Ovid stated that he began going from house to house and sleeping in random laps, sometimes sleeping in two laps on the same day.


A private photo of Ovid in Chris’ lap

“I have let her down,” Ovid said of his Human. “I am addicted to attention. It is my problem, not hers.”

The DSM IV (or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition) defines lap addiction as a maladaptive pattern of abuse manifested by recurring failure to fulfill major obligations, repeating behavior despite interference with social standings, and failure to sleep on the lap you were adopted to.

Ovid is to undergo outpatient treatment at the Schick Shadel Hospital of Seattle. Upon successful course graduation he will start to attend bi-weekly Lap Addicts Anonymous meetings and will undergo a thorough evaluation by a team of substance-abuse physicians to rule-out any further issues once every month thereafter.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Local Cat Arrested for Assault After Finding Husband In Bed With Furby


Seattle, WA

A local cat came home Saturday morning to find her husband in bed with a Furby named Manolo.

Moonbeam, a 6-year-old, female, Tortoise Shell had been married to Oleg, a 7-year-old, Stuffed Troll Doll from IKEA for four years and never had a clue that there was anything amiss.

Moonbeam was shocked when she accidentally walked in on the twosome. She told us that as she was leaving for the local Saturday market she had noticed a small Furby walking up the street towards their home in Seattle’s University District.


Moonbeam's husband Oleg was once an exchange student from IKEA

“I saw this little Furby,” Moonbeam said, “it kind of gave me a funny look. I had the strange feeling that it had been watching me or waiting for me to leave or something.”

Moonbeam got in her car and went to pick up her momcat in the Greenwood area and headed for the Marketplace. “Suddenly I was standing in the produce section staring at the carrots and I just had a bad feeling, I knew something was wrong.” Moonbeam went on. “I decided that I needed to go home right then.”

Moonbean and her momcat returned to home and Moonbeam unlocked to door quietly. “I heard some strange chittering-type noises that I couldn’t quite make out. Now that I know he was with a Furby, it all makes sense.”


The Furby, Manolo, says he is "...shamed."

Moonbeam went crazy with jealous rage when she saw what was happening in her own bedroom. Police reports state that she started beating Manolo repeatedly with a toilet brush.

“It hurt...” Manolo said as he was wheeled from the house in a stretcher, "...my battery got disconnected." EMTs and Seattle Police were at the scene. Manolo's family was called to the hospital after the incident and are pressing Manolo to file charges against Moonbeam.

Moonbeam was escorted off the premises in handcuffs and booked on third degree assault with a cleaning supply.

Oleg denied that there was anything more than just a physical relationship with the Furby, stating that they had met over the internet and started emailing each other just a week prior to the incident.


Manolo's parents and two sisters said that he should press charges against Moonbeam

“It is a shame that things like this happen.” said divorce attorney Lex Luthor, “Sometimes two cats just grow apart or want different things from a relationship and in this case it appears Oleg wanted a Furby.”

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Monday, March 2, 2009

People Who Own Cats More Likely To Have Cat Hair On Their Clothing Than People Who Do Not Own Cats



Edmonds, WA

A recent study conducted by Seattle Pacific University shows that people who own cats are far more likely to have cat hair on their clothing than people who do not own cats. The study was conducted by Dr. Hairy Pinkie, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Sociology at SPU.

"This study has been a long time coming," Dr. Pinkie said, "we studied three different groups of people; people who owned cats, people who did not own cats, and people who owned fruit bats."

The study showed a positive correlation between cat ownership and cat hair accumulation on clothing. A positive correlation indicates that both variables increase or decrease together, whereas negative correlation indicates that as one variable increases, so the other decreases.


Radar said "I always had the suspicion that there was a link there somewhere..."

Not so surprisingly then, people who owned fruit bats reported no cat hair whatsoever on their clothing. The outcome of the study also means that the more cats you own, the more cat hair you will likely accumulate on your clothing.

"We have a very long way to go with regard to outcomes in the future" Dr. Pinkie explains, "there is much to be learned from such a complicated data set." Currently the Department of Sociology at SPU conducts cat hair research projects through funding provided exclusively by the National Association for Hairball Treatment and Prevention Center (NAHTC).


Cat hair as seen on a local cat owner's shirt

There are plans for future studies involving the relationship between cat dander on furniture and cat ownership. Local cats were interested in the outcome of this study.

One local cat, Radar, a 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair said "I always had the suspicion that there was a link there somewhere between cat ownership and the appearance of cat hair on clothing."

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Local Bats Angered At Racial Slur

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