Saturday, November 28, 2009

Local Cat Says He Cannot Work Due To String Addiction


Edmonds, WA

A local cat today has admitted to his family and co-workers what they had secretly believed for years, he is addicted to string.

Clarence, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair, says he is now unable to work due to the extreme disability stemming from his addiction. In Clarence’s case, he’s about to be homeless, and is already subsisting on food stamps.

“I have tried so many times to stop,” said Clarence but then I just get an overwhelming urge to take (string) out and claw at it, bat it around, even.”


Not many cats are aware of the very real dangers of string and yarn addiction

The issue began as a young kitten, when he would spend “hours” mesmerized by string. Desperate to get more, he said he would steal it from craft and yarn stores and horde it under his mattress.

“It was so much fun,” he said. “I just had to claw at it and whip it around the house. At first I could play for 20 minutes or so then put it away. As time went on I’d sit and all I could do was think about playing with string. I couldn’t focus, it got scary.”

“I tried to curb the urge to play with it,” he continued. “But I’ll be just about to go off to work and suddenly I gotta play with string. It’s bad.”


Concerned neighbor Barrett said he noticed Clarence’s gradual withdrawal from friends

Clarence said that if he is out of string or yarn he sometimes will go to a neighbor’s home and ask to “borrow” some. Worse yet, if none is to be found, he will make use of dental floss as a substitute.

Trouble at work began when his supervisor at the bank where he works caught him looking at pictures of soft, fluffy balls of yellow yarn on his computer during working hours. “I heard he’d been arrested once for going to the emergency room hoping to score some string,” said a co-worker who did not want to be identified.

“I got so I couldn’t go four hours without playing with string,” Clarence said. “I’d bring some to work, until one afternoon I was caught in the men’s room batting around a red ball of yarn. It was embarrassing.”


Part of The Center’s intensive treatment for string addiction involves being “unable” to move or play with string while string is present

Friends and neighbors say Clarence used to be very active, tending to his garden and frequently washing his car. They said they started to notice him withdrawing from his usual activities and said he even stopped answering the door.

“I’d go knock on his door, just to say hello to him,” said neighbor Barrett, a 5-year-old, neutered Pug. “I could hear him in there, hitting something around and breathing heavy. I knew it was string.”

After admitting his addiction, Clarence’s family has agreed to send him to a 28-day intensive inpatient rehabilitation visit at The Center, located in Edmonds. Luckily, his employer has graciously offered to hold his position until he can safely reclaim it.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, November 27, 2009

Plastic Santa Spotted In Local Yard; Police Say Threat Is Small, Yet Festive


Edmonds, WA

There were no reindeer sightings in the sunny Black Friday sky, but there were plenty of terrified neighbors and concerned family members gathered near the home where a plastic, light-up Santa was spotted.

Fear and word spread quickly of the sighting after three kittens peeing in a yard reported it to the Edmonds Police Department. Officials confirmed the presence of the Santa in the neighborhood of Main Street and Dayton Avenue just hours ago.

“As another holiday weekend unfolds we have to realize there are (Santas) out there with bad intentions,” said local cat Humphrey McGiggles, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “We’re not closing the streets off yet,’’ he said. “We would if we had any concerns. We’re just encouraging everyone to use common sense.’’


Simon fears for the life of his young kitten, Mahtzoh

They say there is no cause for alarm, yet state officials said one of their Santa experts just yesterday spotted at least one other Santa and also a large, stuffed Scarecrow prowling the same area.

“Oh, my God! I am so terrified for my kitten,” said Simon, a 4-year-old, Domestic Short Hair who is also a ventriloquist. “He is so tiny and fluffy, and I heard from my friend down the road that that is exactly the kind of kitten those Santas are after.”

Police said they believe the threat is small, noting that sightings of the colorful, plastic Santas, including light-up and inflatable varieties, are relatively common in the area and that the last time a person was attacked by a Santa in Washington was in 1939, when a 5-year-old cat was killed in a skirmish in Bellevue.


Felicia is so scared, she said she ‘…can’t even eat’

“I’m so scared, I can’t even eat,” said Felicia Williams, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, whose house actually borders the property where the terrifying Santa is currently hiding. “Well, okay…I can eat…but you get the idea.”

After officials received the report of the Santa(s) on the loose in the area, local police chief Aaron Keyes ordered a helicopter patrol, hoping to get a closer look and identify them with the help of a spotter.

He found one other Santa, but haze and cloud cover rolled in, depriving him of the help of the pilot, he said in a statement. Later in the afternoon, the helicopter pilot spotted another Santa, but also stated it could have been the same one he had seen earlier.


Kittens who spotted the Santa said they were ‘fricking horrified’

Edmonds Police said they would patrol the area throughout the weekend and authorities urged joggers and cats pooping in the woods to be careful, but said folks should not overreact.

“Everyone around here knows this neighborhood is like a buffet line for Santas,’’ said area resident Hiro, a 5-year-old, neutered, Seal-Point Siamese. “There are many families here with fresh, young kittens ready to be bagged and eaten.”

“There needs to be more control of these Santas,’’ Hiro said. “It would be better to have us doing the patrolling, if possible. Plastic Santas aren’t very popular around here. They tend to scare too many people away, and that’s not good for the town’s economy.’’

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Simon’s Photo Courtesy of Corinne Crammer
& Thanks to Felicia Williams (orange cat in bag)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Cat Who Ate Entire Bag Of Fortune Cookies Overwhelmed With Good Luck


Lynnwood, WA

A local cat who gave in to a recent food craving is now happy and in disbelief at the good luck he has reaped from his choice of snack food.

Ben, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair said he was shopping for bargains at his favorite store, Bartell Drugs, and saw packages of fortune cookies for only $2.99.

“I love fortune cookies,” Ben said. “I hadn’t had Chinese food in a long time, but for some reason they really sounded great.” Ben said he purchased a bag along with his other parcels and went home as usual.

Ben said he sat down for dinner that evening intending to eat a ham and Swiss croissant sandwich, but the urge to eat the cookies was too great. He said he lost control.


The fortune cookies were reportedly very delicious and crispy

“I just said the heck with it and went and got the whole bag out,” he told the Gazette. “I was sitting and watching Ocean’s Eleven by myself. I ate a few cookies, then just couldn’t stop. They are so crispy and good, before I knew it I had eaten all 65 cookies, fortunes and all.”

The next day Ben said his morning started with the feeling that a pleasant surprise was in store for him. He said a friend who he had not seen in years visited him, gifted him with a small cactus, and told him how much he valued their friendship.

Ben reported that the next day a grand party was held in his honor where his work ethic was praised, everyone telling him that he was “the best” at what he did. He said all of his talents were recognized and he was rewarded with a large raise.


Ben said he is now very relaxed and is patiently awaiting “whatever happens next”

“I remember reading a few of the fortunes in the cookies,” Ben said. “But most of them I just ate, I think. I suddenly realized that they were coming true, it was very odd, but something in me told me not to rush to judgment.”

Days later, Ben’s ultimate wish suddenly became reality when it was announced on the radio that he had won a lifetime supply of apple fritters from his favorite local bakery. Then, on a hunch, he played a few random numbers that were stuck in his head and won over $500,000.00 in the Washington State Lottery.

“It seemed wherever I went that week, happiness awaited,” he told the Gazette. “Even at the video store, they said I was their millionth customer and all my rentals would be free from now on.”


Ben said his long lost love once left him for this Siberian Husky named Phantom

Ben said he has no idea what spawned the sudden rush of good luck, but said he feels “in his belly” that it was all somehow meant to happen.

“My long lost love, who had dumped me years ago for a Siberian Husky named Phantom, suddenly called me up and said she still loved me and wanted to get back together,” Ben said. “She said ‘time is the wisest counselor’ and that she had smartened up since then.”

“I realized that my dreams must be bigger than my fears, I’m so hopeful now,” Ben said. “I look forward to the future with an open mind and heart.” Ben said he is being peaceful and patiently awaits whatever comes his way next.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, November 6, 2009

Two Cats Dead, Three Charged After Fight Over Cheez-It


Renton, WA

A dispute over a Cheez-It cracker outside a house that hosted a party in Renton erupted early yesterday morning into a violent confrontation that left 2 young cats dead and 3 others arrested for their murder, police say. A small Field Mouse, who was wounded by a flying sofa, also faces charges.

The horrible scene began at approximately 2:00 a.m., outside of a home bordering Renton Park Elementary. Police had already received two noise complaints regarding the party.

Renton Police identified the dead as Meatloaf, a 9-month-old, spayed Tortoise Shell, who was once a barber, and Pedro Gato, a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, whose wounds included a slice of American cheese to the head. Both were from Auburn.


Milo’s limp body was found stuffed into a shoe

A shredded catnip mouse, some crushed Cheez-Its, and a New Balance X-tra Wide women’s all-terrain shoe were all that remained this morning where the two were killed.

Paramedics who came to the grisly scene this morning found Meatloaf stuffed into a shoe and Pedro Gato lying in the grass. A slice of Processed Velveeta American cheese had been cut off a fresh loaf and thrown at him by a partygoer, fatally injuring him.

While it's unclear exactly what happened because there were no sober witnesses, officials have rounded up 16 cats they believe witnessed the crime.

While stuffing a victim into a shoe is a relatively sad, but common modality of murder, death by cheese slice is not.

Experts say attack with a slice of cheese is extremely rare - so rare that "you are more likely to be killed by a bolt of lightning than by (a slice of) cheese," said an investigator for the Renton Police Department.


Pedro Gato was hit with a deadly slice of American cheese

Cheshire, a 6-year-old, neutered Manx, who lives on the second floor of the house next door, said he was awakened “…by the audible slap of a slice of cold cheese to the head," and looked out a window to see a small, angry mouse chasing others around and screaming.

"It's just a horrible accident," said neighbor Baby Face, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “I heard all that loud rap music and I knew something bad was going to happen. “It was just a nightmare, everybody was screaming,” she said.

Pax Cage, an 18-month-old, male Field Mouse, suffered wounds from a flying sofa and is at Valley General Medical Center. He has been charged with assault with intent to incite mayhem.


These two minors were arrested for the murders

Two brothers and an Pygmy Goat, who are minors, were arrested and charged with murder and suspicious circumstance.

The minors, ages 4-months, and 7-months, are both being held without bail in juvenile court. Both have been treated and released for cheese-related injuries suffered during the fight.

By Tuesday evening, 11 cats and 5 kittens who had attended the party had been taken to police headquarters, where no one has admitted to cutting the cheese.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Local Cat Set To Marry After Scandalous Affair With Plastic, Hairy Gardener


Mukilteo, WA

After three months of deceit and secret-keeping, a local cat has openly confessed his love for his gardener, a 5-year-old, plastic and resin Yard Gnome named Ralph.

Although both of them are still married, Ralph and Cyrus Jasper McMuggle, a 3-year-old Abyssinian male and reported local Mafia don, have proudly come out of the closet together.

“Cyrus has found true love here,” said neighbor Janie, a 4-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, who has lived next to Cyrus and his wife Linda Curlycat McMuggle for the past 2 years. “…And, he is not afraid to show it.”

Cyrus’ wife, Linda, is a 4-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair Calico, who owns and operates a mime school in nearby Edmonds. She said she came home early one day, after forgetting some Cheez-Whiz, only to find the two men caught in a fiery embrace.


Linda said she’d caught the two in a scandalous embrace and threatened to expose them both

At first, Cyrus and Ralph denied the affair, saying that Linda was ‘seeing things.’ This continued even after neighbors spotted the two lovers kissing and hugging at a Coldplay concert just last June.

After the two came out as a couple to her one afternoon while she was drinking tea and eating an apple fritter, she promptly moved out of the house and is currently staying in a Motel 6.

According to reports, Ralph is spending so much time at Cyrus’ home, he may as well move in. “He even has some shoes and CDs there,” said one nosy neighbor. “The word is, he calls himself Mr. Ralph.”

Cyrus is living it up with his and Ralph’s relationship out in the open. He said he feels the worst is behind them now and they should be happy together.


Ralph, a married man himself, said he fell hard for young Cyrus

Not so says Cyrus’ wife, Linda. She says there will be Hell to pay when it comes to the divorce. No word yet from Ralph’s now estranged wife Betty, who is a 3-year-old, plastic, light-up Christmas Reindeer.

“We have been married for two years,” she told the Gazette. “My husband is an embezzler, a well-known thug, a compulsive liar, and as for that Ralph, well, he is a home wrecker, a terrible lawn mower, and a little shit.”

Sources say that the Mafia ‘thug’ will pack up his bags with Ralph and move to Vermont, where they can now be legally married.


Cyrus said he fears no threat from his Mafia friends

“Ralph is very excited about being Cyrus’ husband, and likewise,” said neighbor Janie, who says she watched the two of them fall in love over the summer during rose pruning and other garden activities. “He doesn’t care what anyone says, he loves Cyrus. He just wants to make him happy and have kids with him.”

Others say now that Cyrus is ready for his life with Ralph he should flee the state quickly, before his Mafia friends can have him knocked off for admitting his same-sex preferences.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Local Bats Angered At Racial Slur

Forks, WA An attorney defending three local kittens in a robbery case apologized yesterday for saying his clients' behavior regarding...