Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Local Cat Says He Lived In Fear After Farting In Crowded Elevator

Seattle, WA

A local cat and father of three admitted today that he has been living in fear ever since he farted in a crowded elevator.

Willie, a 1-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, had recently eaten a shredded pork and bean burrito at Taco Del Mar when he entered the crowded elevator to return to work.

“All of I sudden, I knew I was (going to fart)," Willie said. "I was scared. There were many cats in the elevator, it was packed,” Willie remembers. “It was hot and it seemed like the buttons for every floor had been pushed.

Willie said he did the best he could to keep the fart from escaping. He said he clenched his teeth, stared at one spot on the wall, and pressed all four feet solidly below him in an effort to keep it from squeezing out.

This air-tight elevator was the site of the incident

"Before I knew it, I farted," he said. "At first it was a ghost-like whisper, I had some hopes at first that it would stay silent. But then it transformed into a roaring motorcycle-like clickety-clack. Then it was all over."

"Everyone on the elevator froze," he continued. "It was like the Ice Queen from Narnia cast a spell on them, they were that still. No one acknowledged the fart."

Witnesses said cats on the elevator were still and silent, as if somehow through their stillness they could actually reverse time and make it (the fart) not have happened.

"There was a definite loud, ripe peal," said witness Kellie, a 12-year-old, spayed, Siamese Mix, who is a legal secretary and was also in the elevator when the fart occurred.

Witness Kellie said she heard a “ripe peal”

"It was truly terrifying, not knowing if people knew that it was me (who farted) or not," Willie stated. He said he was so hard hit by the fart incident that he became depressed and considered switching careers to protect his family.

“Someone wrote ‘Willie is a farter’ on the men’s bathroom wall and I felt terrible,” he said. “It was like someone knew and they wanted to exploit me.”

Workers in the office are certain the notoriety from the incident will eventually dissipate, and business will go back to normal soon. No one is in any way certain that Willie actually was, in fact, the farter.

Willie said he just wanted to protect his family

“There were about nine other cats from my office on that elevator,“ witness Kellie said. “It could have been anyone, really."

“It was very hard. I tried to put myself in (the farter’s) position and thought how they might feel if they’d let the fart," Kellie continued. “There’s just nothing good about it.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Willie’s Cat Photos: Gracias Monica Contreras, Mexico City
Kellie Kat Photo: Thanks to Kellie Kat, Gearhart, OR

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Local Cat Charged In Inflatable Snowman Murder

Edmonds, WA

A cat accused of killing a giant inflatable snowman last month told police he beat on and stabbed the snowman because it would not stop smiling at him, according to newly filed court documents.

The victim, Jack, a 2-year-old, nylon and mesh Inflatable Snowman, was originally from Wal-Mart.

Lorenzo the Cat, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair, who is a retired Tom Ford model, is being held on a $10 million bond after appearing today in court charged with one count of murder in the first degree.

Lorenzo the Cat once graced the covers of GQ, Men’s Health, and other publications

Lorenzo was arrested at his home on December 8th, 2009, accused of beating Jack to death with a plastic Bob’s Big Boy bank and stabbing him repeatedly with a butter knife.

The incident took place in front of Lorenzo's 2-year-old kitten. It stunned friends and family, and was gruesomely detailed in a recorded conversation with a 911dispatcher.

“Daddy is killing the snowman,” said the frantic kitten to a 911 dispatcher who alerted police and local refrigeration repair units. Police later said Lorenzo hit the snowman repeatedly with the plastic bank, then stabbed him, ended his life.

This young Big Boy bank also lost his life in the atrocity

The young witness told Edmonds police he was lying on the couch resting when he saw signs of struggle outside the living room window, according to documents.

Coroner reports state the snowman succumbed due to blunt force trauma to the head. Police said Lorenzo had killed the snowman in a fit of wild rage.

Sadly, it was Jack’s last day on the job. Hired for a holiday stint as a cheerful, yard decoration, he was planning a boating trip with his wife and three snowballs to Lake Tahoe upon his return home.

Jack and his family were avid boaters, according to friends

The incident leaves Jack’s wife Fiona, a disabled, 4-year-old snowwoman without much hope to support her family. She was brutally mugged by a Pug wielding a hair dryer 2 years ago. She suffered melting injuries and lost both ears and a limb, leaving her unable to do many office jobs.

“I’m really not sure what we are going to do for money now,” said Fiona. “Office people don’t like me near computers or electronics because I drip. Finding a job will be very hard.”

Lorenzo Photo under copyright: Courtesy of Lorenzo
Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Friday, December 3, 2010

Banana Creme Pie Shortage Looming, Scientists Warn

Seattle, WA

Diners and bistros everywhere may be facing dire menu updates if researchers are correct that banana crème pie populations are in decline.

North American Banana Crème Pies are an indigenous species native to buffet restaurants, casinos and diners in suburban parts of the U.S.

Most crème pies claim origins circa the 1700’s and have sub-species including chocolate, vanilla, lime, coconut, and peanut butter.

Paul, who spearheaded the study, is a life-long fan of banana crème and is a creme pie conservationist

Banana crème pies grew wealthy in the late 70’s and had low rates of unemployment up until the health food fads of the 2000s, when emphasis on “carb-counting” naturally selected them for decline.

“This is natural selection at work,” said Paul, the 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair who spearheaded the study. “These days cats are opting for healthier desserts and the (crème pies) just can’t adapt.”

As a result, thousands of banana crème pies die helplessly every day in their shiny, glass cases as they are passed over for healthier dessert options.

Untold numbers of banana crème pies are left to die right in their own homes

Out of 18 banana crème pie populations in the Everett-Lynnwood area 14 have plummeted and have not bounced back.

No strangers to struggle, banana crème pies had to fight various attempts by brownies, éclairs and even crème puffs over the years to control their dominance in diner culture.

Checking for trends in the banana crème pie population can be very difficult because banana crème pies are notoriously hard to count. “Being sneaky is pie-like behavior,” Paul said.

Andy joined the scientists last year in their search for answers in the widespread decline in banana crème pie population

“Losing banana crème pies can upset they way ecosystems work,” explained Andy, a 2-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “Banana crème pies often ranked as top diner desserts, but now cats are passing on them for a number of reasons.”

No data were given on state-wide pie population, but Andy noted worrisome indicators coming from diners operating in Yakima and Wenatchee.

“Some (banana crème) pie populations seem to be doing well,” he continued. “But overall the trend is alarming. The pies are on in a straight-line decline.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette