Monday, July 27, 2009

Cats Who Peed In Pool Must Now Clean It, City Says

Seattle, WA

Two Edmonds teencats are busy this afternoon, scrubbing down the now-dry walls of the Edmonds Public pool after they were caught peeing in it just yesterday afternoon.

Peeing in the pool is more common than you might think, about one in two cats admit to doing it and some admit they actually really like it.

Public pools across the country are super busy for the summer season, but the events at the Edmonds pool could make you think twice about jumping in.

Peeing in pools is a fun and thrilling hobby

Scatterby, a 6-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, and Cesar Augusto Rimbaldo, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, were both enjoying the sweltering summer day until one of them decided to let loose in the pool.

“I decided to swim away from everyone else first,“ said Scatterby, who works as a bouncer at Giggles nightclub in Seattle, “Then I started to swim back as soon as I started peeing, to avoid making a warm pocket of it for someone else to swim into.”

Scatterby’s plan didn’t work as well as he intended. A bunch of kittens started squealing about finding a “warm spot” to their mom, who started to suspect foul play.

Cesar believes the look on his face while peeing gave him away

When Cesar saw what Scatterby was up to, he joined the fun. “I decided to walk over into the shallow end so (the pee) would spread out and not stay in one spot.”

According to a recent poll, almost half of all cats admit to one or more behaviors that contribute to an unsanitary pool. After all, peeing in pools is a fun and thrilling hobby.

And you've probably suspected as much, since the poll also showed 95 percent of us believe our fellow swimmers participate in pool peeing.

The momcat who witnessed the boy’s peeing notified lifeguards, who then called Police. The pool was shut down and the cats were told they would be spending the next day scrubbing out the entire pool by hand.

Cesar admitted he is a nine-time offender at the Edmonds pool

“Peeing in the pool isn’t cool,” said the momcat, who wished to remain anonymous.

One in two respondents admitted to peeing in the pool, and liking it, while almost nine in ten are convinced that their fellow swimmers are guilty of this act.

About a third of all cats admitted that they jump in without showering first. Despite all this nastiness, cats said that they usually tried to put it out of their minds and just try to enjoy the swim.

Whether or not you pee in pools, you should know that unclean water can actually lead to recreational water illnesses like diarrhea, reduced sexual potency, as well as ear and skin infections.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Obscene Photos Of Watermelon Hit The Internet

Seattle, WA

It hit the net like a virus, absolutely out of nowhere. Suddenly, thousands of cats are reporting catching their significant others gazing hopefully at lewd photos of ripe, round, watermelons.

"How can I work on my marriage if my husband is upstairs looking at seedless watermelon?" asked May, a 7-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair.

May’s husband, Bandit, a 5-year-old Domestic Short Hair, has like so many other cats, has become hopelessly addicted to what has come to known to cats as ‘food porn.’"

‘This does nothing for my body image,’ Maya said

May said it all started one day when she walked in on him staring wide-eyed at a glossy, full-color grocery store ad.

"He was staring at the donuts," she said, "Those pudding-filled ones…I think they call them 'bismarks' or something. It was such a shock, and he was drooling.”

The watermelons, are shiny, green, ripe, and rotund. Some cats find them to be too much of a temptation.

"I can't help it if someone chooses to exploit me," said Roland, a 6-month-old Seedless Watermelon from Mexico, "I'm just sitting here, doing my job."

Sexy photographs like the one above have been hitting the internet like maddness

The topic of food porn is becoming a real issue with many cats these days. Sometimes, when cats are depressed, they develop bad habits and start bad behaviors they might not otherwise do.

"It really hurts my self-esteem," said Mieka, a 12-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. "I had an eating disorder once, and (the watermelon porn) brought some issues back to the surface when I found my boyfriend of 3 years openly gaping at a watermelon."

“I am very afraid what this could escalate into,” she continued. “I look at him and can see he’s thinking about something else. Now I think, ‘is it fried chicken? Watermelons?’”

Housewife cat Mieka admitted to suffering from an eating disorder in the past

“The watermelon are in the country legally and there is not much you can do to prevent this type of thing from occurring,” said Safeway food manager Mowgli. “The watermelons are not being harmed one bit. For us there is no issue here.”

"Some cats are just real freaks" agreed Piper, a 4-month-old, Organically Grown Watermelon from QFC. "I can't exactly stop someone from taking my picture, can I? I'd just roll away."

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, July 9, 2009

FDA Says Do Not Exceed 25 Mini Chips Ahoy Cookies In Four Hours

Seattle, WA

The FDA is warning cats everywhere to limit the amount of Mini Chips Ahoy cookies consumed within a four-hour period.

In a warning letter sent to the office of Public Health today, the FDA notes Mini Chips Ahoy cookies are being abused at a much higher rate than ever anticipated.

Cats everywhere already know well the lure of the deadly cookies. “It starts with just one and then before you know it you are on the scale regretting it and begging God for help,” said Riley, a 1-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair Ginger.

The FDA also takes issue with a Chips Ahoy web site mentioned on the nutrition label that uses language supporting increased libido and good looks from eating the cookies.

The FDA is imposing a 150-per-day upper limit

The FDA says information collected over the past five years has shown a dramatic increase in the amount of ER admissions due to Mini Chips Ahoy cookie overdose second only to that of peanut butter abuse, and apple fritter binges.

“We never anticipated anything like this,” claimed FDA public spokesman Jerry Servine, “It seems that no one cat is able to stop at the normal serving suggestion printed clearly on the bag’s nutrition label. There is an upper limit in terms of dosing with these cookies and the FDA has now set it to 150 in one 24-hour period.”

As evidence for putting a limit on the amount of cookies to be eaten, the FDA points to the ambiguous language on cookies’ label that includes this statement: "Put a little sexy in your snack life with Mini Chips Ahoy cookies!”

YoYo is a recovering snickerdoodle addict who used cookies to get off peanut butter

“That makes it look like the more cookies you eat, the more fun you will have,” said YoYo, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “I couldn’t get enough of them, they are so good. I began selling everything I had on craigslist just to get money to buy more.”

The FDA does allow a health claims linking soluble fiber from whole-grain cookies with a higher rate of fun.

But according to the FDA, the Mini Chips Ahoy label also inappropriately suggests that because they are small, you can eat more.

“I realize that they (the FDA) are just looking out for us as consumers here,” said Marmot, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “But this is going to just make them more difficult to get. A black market will rise.”

Marmot predicts the rise of a ‘black market’ for cookies

In response to the FDA’s placement of an upper limit on the cookies, the makers of Chips Ahoy have posted a notice on their website.

Chips Ahoy stated that "Chips Ahoy’s increased fun and excitement health claim has been FDA-approved for more than 15 years, and Chips Ahoy’s ‘These cookies can make you sexy in just in 6 weeks' message has been featured on the box for more than two years and we have yet to find any one cat who has eaten a Chips Ahoy cookie and not been satisfied.

The company who makes the cookies simply says it looks forward to discussing and resolving this dosing matter with the FDA.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Peeing On Sofas Oddly Satisfying, Cats Say

Seattle, WA

Many cats are at an impasse these days regarding where exactly in the house to let loose with the spraying. More and more sinks and counter tops are becoming reclaimed territories by Humans from Seattle to new York.

Cats are reporting a ten-fold increase in the amount of cheap, but effective, cat repellent sprays being used to stop this natural habit, leaving cats to resort to sniper-like tactics.

The traditional definition of a sniper/sprayer is a cat especially skilled in the sniper-like craft of indoor spraying and whose precision marksmanship can stun or kill selected couches, sofas, or Humans with their scent at large or close distances.

Targets like this one above are best hit from point blank range

Typically and ideally, a proficient sniper/sprayer approaches an unaware target, uses a single spray per target, and withdraws without being seen.

“Hey, my owners have used cat repellent everywhere in the house at butt level except here on the couch,” said Jojo, a 2-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, who began to pee on the sofa just weeks ago. “I had no alternative but to up the ante.”

Recent reports into the Gazette say that the same, or better, results can be had by peeing directly onto sofa or futon cushions. Many cats say it is indeed, oddly satisfying.

Young cat Jojo began to pee on the couch just weeks ago

“I sprayed a 180 degree arc into the corner of the cushions at (Human) head level,” said Jed, a 13-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short hair from Seattle. “I sat back and watched as the Human reclined on the sofa and then gradually began to frown and look wildly about as he inhaled the wicked odor.”

At distances over .5 yards, sniper/sprayers usually attempt contact shots, aiming at a level approximately 14 to 16 inches off the ground and depending on damage, stain and general stink to make the kill. At lesser distances, sniper/ sprayers may attempt direct Human head or body shots to ensure the kill.

“It was not unlike that of the blast from a Claymore mine.” said Gunny, a 7-year-old, neutered, American Tabby Cat. “The scent was overwhelming for (the Human) once they sat down, he died on the spot.”

This couch was declared dead at the scene and was removed by Humans

Most cats agree that the use of deadly force here is justified as this is a war on territory and victory must be secured if cats are to remain dominant over Humans.

“He looked like a just caught fish,“ said Barracuda, a 4-year-old Domestic Short Hair after a successful spray mission. “His (the Human’s) head was thrashing about in all directions seeking the source of the foulness. In victory, I smiled, yawned, scratched my ear, and left the room.”

One anonymous cat gave some advice for those who decide to use sniper/sprayer tactics by saying a prudent sniper leaves the area after the shot is taken, anticipating the flanking attack that normally follows. A brave or desperate sniper may ambush one of the flanks if possible, but should seek cover immediately.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

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