Thursday, August 27, 2009

Large, Suspicious Belt Spotted In Local Yard

Lynnwood, WA

Two local cats were horrified this morning when they spotted a long, scary, belt creeping its way through the rocks in their garden.

The Tall Firs neighborhood in Lynnwood has a long history of belt activity. Indeed, Bigfoot, werewolves, and even cavemen have been allegedly seen and reported in the area.

“It was a hot, stifling morning and I was making my way to the water pot for a drink,” said Seamus Finnegan O‘Reilly, a 4-year-old, neutered, Russian Blue male.

Witnesses Seamus and Mary Jane were first to see the belt

“I remember taking a drink and I noticed something moving on the rocks behind me…it sort of wiggled.” Seamus said.

This is the second report in as many days of strange belts being seen by cats and kittens in this Lynnwood neighborhood area. Many are worried as to the motives of the belts.

“It was like its whole body seemed to sort of shake and wobble as it moved,“ said witness Mary Jane, a spayed, 4-year-old Domestic Short Hair who likes to pee on sofa cushions, “I know it saw us because it looked right up and then went back to what it was doing, just laying there, all creepy-like and slithery.”

Another belt was seen recently sneaking into a local garage

There are rumors of even larger belts living in the vicinity of an old rusted Ford F-150 just a few blocks away. The Lynnwood Police Department has investigated and has uncovered three such reports.

Recently, an unnamed hiker claimed to have seen one of the belts and described it to a local newspaper as being 19 feet in length.

“It's getting to the point where I no longer feel safe out here,” said Mary Jane, who now only sits up on chairs elevated off the garden floor for some measure of protection against the threat of a possible belt attack. “Until they are rounded up, I am scared.”

Mary Jane feels safe only when seated above the garden floor since the sighting

According to zoologists, belts can vary in length, thickness, and skin pattern. Many belts are harmless creatures just out to sun themselves.

Though there are many known dangerous belts out there, no one is certain which type of belt this is and if it poses a threat to the community at large.

Theories as to what the belt may have been doing in the yard range from it being just another dumped pet to that of it actually being one of the overgrown ‘wild’ belts of myth.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Local Cat Buried In Supermarket Bread Aisle Searching For The Freshest Loaf

Edmonds, WA

The manager of Edmonds’ Food Mania was shocked this morning when he walked around the corner to see a momcat trying to squeeze out of a giant pile of loaves of yummy Bimbo White bread. The cat had been there for over a half an hour, vigorously squeezing loaves of bread, brow furrowed in concentration, and squinting her eyes pouring over the color ties on the wrappers of each bag of bread in search of the freshest possible loaf.

“My mom always taught me that the freshest loaves were in the back.” said Agatha, a 12-year-old spayed Tabby from Lynnwood, as she extricated herself from the heap, “So, naturally when I come here to get bread, I dig to the back to find the freshest loaf. I never buy the first one…who does?”

Agatha was in search of the freshest possible loaf

“When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest?” Manager Larry Bryant said. “ Most people don’t know how to tell, so they ‘squeeze’ the package for freshness or softness, possibly damaging the bread.”

Mr. Bryant said bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week, so there really is no need to check for freshness, it is fresh every day. Despite this, he said that some people have this ‘crazy, unstoppable, almost biological-evolutionary urge’ to burrow to the back of the stacks, to insist that they get the very freshest possible loaf available.

Bimbo bread is brought in fresh daily

“I see people like Agatha every day…“ Mr. Bryant continued “…they come in here and nearly attack the bread. They push back through the loaves, checking the dates on each tab and squeezing the bread, pretty soon they are buried in a pile like Agatha was.”

Agatha said that each bread delivery company has a specific code on the tab or color of twist tie (if applicable), indicating the day of the week that loaf was delivered. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, each day supposedly has a different color twist tie.

The secret of the freshness date is encrypted in the color of the plastic tags

“I got buried looking for the right color. Today being Thursday, I wanted a red twist tie-not white which is Friday, that’s almost a week old." Agatha said. "The colors go alphabetically by color. Blue, green, red, white, yellow, Monday through Saturday. It’s easy to remember, but I put a Post-It note in my wallet when I first found out about this so I would not forget the color sequence.”

The Bread Freshness Tag Daily Color Code Coordination Mandate:

Monday - Blue
Tuesday - Green
Thursday - Red
Friday - White
Saturday - Yellow

“There are two important factors here,” said Agatha, “first of all you want the bread that was delivered most recently and you want the bread that has the freshness date that is the farthest out.”

Agatha said that she sometimes even will freeze half the loaf when she gets home to ensure an even fresher taste at home for a longer period of time. She said “I wrap it in Saran Wrap or Ziplock-bag it, I put my own date on it, next I seal it with my Food Saver, only then do I freeze it.”

Agatha confessed a slight obsession with the colored bread tags, saying that she collects them and has over 500 in all. She said that she enters them in the 4-H Collections Hall exhibit each year and has won three Blue Ribbons and one Yellow. Agatha also said that only occasionally does she encounter the same problem at home, becoming buried in piles of frozen bread, searching for the next freshest dated loaf to use next.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, August 21, 2009

Ridiculous Cat Outfit Leads To Near-Suicide

Seattle, WA

What was once a happy and independent life for a local cat turned into a living Hell when his Human became unemployed, bored, and lonely.

Ridley, a 3-year-old, neutered, black and white Domestic Short Hair, became the sole focus of his Human’s sad life after she lost her job as head cashier at Rite-Aid.

“Suddenly I was like, her best friend.” said Ridley, “She was actually taking me places in the car with her and dressing me up in scarves, hats, and other ugly outfits. She'd stop, take my photo and giggle. Before I knew it, every day had a fricking color-coordinated theme to it."

Ridley said his Human has also recently been dumped by her boyfriend after presenting him with a specially embroidered and embossed scrapbook of their month together as a couple.

Reports also stated she had just turned 40, and had no children. The unemployed Human soon began to knit all types of interesting, frilly, clothing and "gifted" them him to him, as well as to neighbor cats and kittens.

The unemployed Human soon began to knit all types of clothing styles

“When she bought that baby stroller I thought I'd die right there on the spot," said Ridley, “People would come up to the carriage and ask to see her 'baby' and they’d run away screaming in horror when I popped my head out of the fluffy coverlet instead of a baby.”

Ridley’s owner began sewing more and more sweaters, vests, and began making embarrassing bead and shell collars for Ridley to wear out in public on their expeditions. As time droned on, Ridley grew sad and depressed as the Human grew happier and happier.

“She referred to me as her ‘fur baby.’” he said, “It was actually kinda fun at first, all the attention, I mean, but it got old really fast. She even made a kimono for the neighbor’s cat Wexley.”

Ripley said that he knew he was depressed when he lost interest in watching WWF Friday Night Fights on TV and began eating more apple fritters than before. He also found himself taking less naps than ever. "When I started whacking back 4-5 fritters a day, I knew I was in trouble."

Neighbor cat Wexley was gifted a fine, silk Kimono

“I found I just sat there and stared at the wall, waiting for her to come and drag me off and dress me, then take me someplace else,” said Ridley, tearing up at the memory, “Why didn’t she just get a dog? They're stupid, they’ll do anything you want them to do.”

Just this past weekend Ridley was admitted to the Seattle Commons Veterinary Psychiatric Institute after overdosing on a combination of prescription Xanax, Strawberry Mentos, and Ezell’s Extra Spicy fried chicken.

“That last collar, the one with all the colored dangly things, that was the last straw.” Ridley said, “I decided I didn’t want to live that way any more.”

Ridley has summoned the help of a lawyer and is seeking immediate emancipation from the Human. In previous cases where such abuse is as blatant, cases have passed through the courts very quickly and allowed for the freedom of many cats and kittens.

“I just hope no one else has to go through a travesty like this.” Ridley said, “Humans need to stay employed, they are dangerous when they are bored.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Scandalous Watermelon Website Used Photo That Violated Online Decency Laws

Everett, WA

Government officials today ordered the hugely popular watermelon porn website 'Seeds' to shut down for good after posting a now infamous photo referred to as "The Motherlode."

"The Motherlode" image is of two watermelons grown together, resembling a huge ass, swollen testicles, or giant boobs, depending on your point of view.

Three monkeys sent by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (ATF) served Frieda, a 12-year-old, spayed, Domestic Long Hair with a Cease and Desist order at her home this afternoon, thus ending her reign as Everett's 'Fruit-Porn Queen.'

Sadly, millions of cats saw ‘The Motherlode’ before its removal from the internet

This welcome news comes just in time,as the pandemic known as "watermelon porn" is spreading at an alarming rate, tearing apart marriages and the well-being of many cats.

Frieda had been posting obscene photos and videos of watermelons, and of cats actually eating watermelon, for the past three months at a rate of nearly fifty photos per day. Also taken into custody for questioning were three young kittens, known as ‘The Tarhill Triplets,’ who ran the website for her.

Courts in Seattle approved the order after Frieda refused to take down the appalling photograph of a mutant watermelon resembling a huge ass and for failing to remove all the site's videos of cats eating actual watermelon.

Frieda, seen here in this photo, is known as Everett's 'Fruit-Porn Queen.'

"That one photo did her in..." said Seattle Assistant District Attorney Freya, a 6-year-old, spayed, Bengal cat who is originally from Orpington, U.K. "I have not seen it (the image). I believe it has become known as 'The Motherlode.' It is the most horribly pornographic image since 'Two Cats One Bowl.'"

"It’s so shocking…It’s huge...It looks like my wife’s ass," said one admitted food-porn addict named Bubbykins, a 5-year-old, Former Feral Manx from Auburn. "But I can’t stop looking at it."

According to reports, the scandalous photo hit the net and spread like a virus, much faster than anyone could stop it.

Assistant District Attorney Freya is pleased with the outcome

"The photograph clearly violates all laws of human decency," Freya said. "The only good thing to come of it is that we were successful in shutting the website down and getting the image off the net, so hopefully no one will ever have to see it again."

The now-defunct website was called 'Seeds' in reference to the tasty bits found inside of watermelons and other juicy, equally obscene, fruits.

The site was also known as the cat world's equivalent of YouTube, where watermelon photos, both whole and sliced, are always appreciated and sought after.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Monday, August 17, 2009

Missing Scratching Post May Be Victim Of Foul Play

Stanwood, WA

After searching a huge area roughly the size of a small bedroom for the past 72 hours straight, Stanwood Police say they have no clues to help them regarding the disappearance of a catnip-scented scratching post this last Friday night.

The toy, an 8-month-old, rope, wood, and carpet, scratching post named Lawrence, was last seen on the fake hardwood floor of the kitchen where it lived with three cats and one kitten since moving from

"As soon as Lawrence went missing I called the cops," said Tiny Bob, a 2-year-old, neutered, Siamese. "They alerted the State Patrol immediately due to its young age...I think they feared kidnapping."

Tiny Bob was quick to alert police

Neighbors say they hope the scratching post didn’t try to cross the dangerous street outside the family’s home, where two-way traffic has claimed the lives of many squirrels, cats, and other inanimate objects over the past years.

The owner of the post, a young kitten named Bugsy, has remained locked in his bedroom, lighting candles, crying and praying for the loved post's safe return. "I used to pee on it...a little," Bugsy sadly admitted to the Gazette.

"Usually in these types of cases the (toy) has just wandered off and will be found by a neighbor or good Samaritan," said Stanwood Police Detective Mike Dixon.

Bugsy, seen here in happier times, said “I used to pee on it…”

"However, we are now looking deeper into this case after finding evidence of (Lawrence's) carpet fibers spattered near the front door and some defensive scratch marks near the kitchen,’ he continued. “There is evidence here possibly suggesting foul play,"

The family is hoping for the best, and neighbors and relatives have gathered at the home to await any news of the beloved post.

"This could be a case of mistaken identity," said search and rescue volunteer Hagrid, an 8-year-old, neutered, Maine Coon. "Its possible someone thought he was rubbish, and threw him out, or worse."

Lawrence’s family is devastated due to his disappearance

Friends say the family lives in fear of a ransom note with horrid demands, like body parts or large sums of cash, or a phone call demanding impossible things at a moment’s notice.

Anyone with news or information about the missing post is encouraged to alert local authorities. Meanwhile, the family is preparing a reward for information leading to Lawrence's safe return.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Obscene Watermelons Found At Local Cat’s Home Used As Porn, Police Say

Seattle, WA

Police entered a home in Lynnwood and recovered over 39 striped, green, underage watermelons from the basement of a local cat, who has yet to be found. This just the latest in the recent rise of watermelon porn cases involving the delicious, mouth-watering, California grown fruit.

Police say the cat in question, a fat, 5-year-old, Domestic Short Hair named Ricky, was photographing both himself and other cats playing with the watermelons and posting them on lewd watermelon-porn websites for display.

The melons, bursting, ripe, and juicy, are thought to have been purchased from random supermarkets throughout the Edmonds-Lynnwood area.

One of the lewd photographs featuring an obscenely overripe, green melon

“He’d go in and buy one or two melons at Trader Joe‘s or Albertson‘s, you know, so he didn’t look too suspicious,” said neighbor Jellie, a 12-year-old, spayed Siamese who often saw him unloading his minivan hurriedly into his garage. “Then he’d go to the store right next door and buy more. It was a filthy habit. He ought to be ashamed!”

Many housewives and kittens have been rightly outraged and indeed shocked to accidentally catch their spouses, loved-ones, and/or Domestic Partners hungrily gazing, open-mouthed, at graphic and shocking photos of the watermelons on the internet. The Kitty City Gazette was first to report, just last month, these sad tales of disgust and anguish.

“Sometimes it’s just watermelons,” said Lynnwood Crime Scene Detective Vince Thomas. “Sometimes it is cats and watermelons in the same shot. Either way, it is disgusting and filthy and needs to be stopped before it becomes a massive worldwide epidemic.”

Police are looking for Ricky, a known watermelon porn addict

“This kind of shit ruined my marriage,” said Laverne, a 9-year-old, spayed Scottish Fold. “My husband was spending hours on his laptop, telling me he was on eBay looking at car parts for his Firebird…well, he was looking all right, at dang-all watermelons!”

Many other cats in the neighborhood agreed they’d heard of the recent upswing in the amount of food-porn viewed by their partners and also agreed that the fruit itself is being exploited.

“The sad thing is that the watermelons really have no control over what happens to them,” said Police Chief Ed Sanders. “They are young and will go home with pretty much anybody. They are also without the use of limbs or any sort of mobility. It is sad, but they are really the victims here.”

Police say the watermelons are the real victim in this type of devilish crime

One cat who would not give her name said her husband has had a habit of looking at cats with watermelons for years, and that they’d tried therapy three times and failed. “It does nothing at all for my body image, I can say that, and the audacity of them, to show all that red, ripe flesh,” she declared.

Authorities are hot on the topic of stopping watermelon porn in its entirety, but say the problem might be growing at too fast a rate to control without government intervention and help.

“Right now there are no laws to protect watermelon, honeydews, or any other types of melons,” said Officer Thomas, “It is the type of thing we will need to bring to up at local and state department levels and get legislation passed for the safety of these and other fine, fresh, or previously frozen fruits.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, August 14, 2009

Mysterious Cat Appears In Breakfast Cereal

Seattle, WA

A young couple in Queen Anne got a mighty big surprise today after their breakfast cereal mysteriously turned into a small, Scottish Fold cat.

Hensley and Heidi, both 3-year-old, Domestic Short Hairs, were ready to enjoy a bowl of Fiber One cereal for breakfast when the cat suddenly appeared in Heidi’s bowl.

Hensley stated that no less than 30 seconds after he poured the milk her bowl, a small, scared-looking cat began to arise from the milky depths.

Heidi was ‘terrified’ at the appearance of the cat

Heidi stated that she was, in fact, ‘terrified’ by the abrupt appearance of the cat in her cereal bowl. Afraid to summon another cat, Hensley refrained from pouring any milk into his cereal.

The cat, who appeared otherwise healthy, finally stepped out of the bowl, shook off the extra milk, and began to lick himself clean.

The couple alerted Seattle Police who promptly came to their aid. The couple set out a small pillow bed for the strange cat, who then lay down and fell asleep, as if tired from its journey.

Investigators said they could find no evidence of a time portal or other space/time continuum device that could have made the cat appear.

Hensley and Heidi plan to adopt the cat

It's not that we didn't want another kitten,“ Heidi told police about their refusal to pour any more milk and possibly summon more kittens. “It's just not how we really expected to go about having one, I was kinda hoping for sex."

"I think we'll keep him," said Heidi. "We were considering starting a family soon anyhow. And he's not that big, and appears to like cereal, which we eat a whole lot of."

The Seattle Police are calling it a 'happenstance' incident with no purported cause.

Just last month in Japan, a young mother cat was preparing rice for her kittens when a small Domestic Short Hair kitten appeared in her rice maker. No one is certain whether the two incidents are related. The cat, now called Ichiban, was adopted by the family who found him.

This cat, now called Ichiban, suddenly appeared in a rice cooker outside a Tokyo suburb

"Hey, look, no one was hurt here so we are just hoping for the best possible outcome,” said Seattle Police Chief Ricky Statlin of the strange incident.

The cat, who refuses to speak, will be temporarily remanded into DSHS custody until proper adoption papers can be managed.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Kellogg's Product Recall Involves Underage Kittens

Seattle, WA

Multiple families of cats were shocked last night when they opened boxes of Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts and discovered an underage kitten inside.

“My God,” exclaimed Sweet Praline, a 6-year-old, spayed, Tortoise Shell, “I hungrily opened the box and promptly dropped it…there was a (expletive) kitten inside!”

The Seattle Police Department has long been investigating mob activity involving the trading and selling of underage kittens. The police now believe they have discovered the methods the mob was using to ship the young kittens from place to place.

An upset Sweet Praline discovered a small kitten in her box of Pop-Tarts

The underage kittens are bought and sold exactly as seen in human trafficking. That being the commerce and trade in the movement or migration of underage kittens, both legal and illegal.

Seattle police believe local mobsters are trading the kittens for the purposes of slavery, prostitution, forced labor (including bonded labor or debt bondage), and indentured servitude.

Hundreds of young kittens have been reported missing in the greater Seattle area in recent months and some of the kittens on that list have turned up in boxes of Pop-Tarts.

Local residents have noticed an increase in the number of young missing kittens

“Last night there were 54 calls received at the station,” said Police Chief Momo, a 16-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold. “A few of the kittens’ names matched up to the missing kitten database…we called Kellogg’s and requested an immediate product recall.”

The Kellogg’s company instantly recalled over 250,000 boxes of cherry, strawberry, and wild berry Pop-Tarts in an effort to help local authorities.

Authorities said they will create a task force to piece together the apparent link between the missing kittens and the Pop-Tart boxes.

Sweet Praline vowed to remain ‘vigilant’

“The good news is that some of those kittens are home safe now,” said Sweet Praline, touched by the incident, “We must be vigilant, and all band together to stop this type of crime.”

Indeed, even President Obama, in a speech to the United Nations General Assembly, raised the issue of underage kitten trafficking and asked leaders of the world to work together to end it.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

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