Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Two Catnip Mice Honored On Memorial Day

Edmonds, WA

Over 500 Humans, mice, and cats gathered at the Edmonds Marina yesterday for a stunningly beautiful memorial service to honor two catnip mice who gave their lives for the benefit of others.

The mice, originally purchased at Petsmart, were less than 1-year-old, made from recycled materials, and were sold in a package of three. Two of the three mice bravely passed away during an intense catnip massacre just one month ago.

Witnesses at the scene said a Human had opened a fresh package of soft, felt mice and ‘dropped them onto the floor’ of a playroom in a local animal shelter (which refused to be named).

Gigli was one of the cats who participated in the attack

“All I can remember is I became quite aggressive and felt very light-headed, said Gigli, a 5-year-old, grey and white, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “There were nine other cats there in that room that day and once the scent of catnip got into the air…it was mayhem.”

It was reported that some of the cats had begun to rub their heads and body against the mice and even foamed at the mouth. Only the purple mouse, named Lotus, survived and is currently being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder.

Rolling around on the ground and emitting loud purrs and growls was also reported.

The mice all enlisted together at the same recruiting station

Witness Grover, a 4-year-old, neutered, American Tabby said, “The cats (involved) looked like they were completely out of it and were leaping around and even becoming aggressive towards other fellow cats. Those mice never had a chance."

During the somber ceremony at the marina, American and military flags were raised and saluted. Family members of the fallen mice spoke out and gave their love and support to the community at large. Fresh corn on the cob was grilled and beers were thrown back while fond, pleasant memories were told.

“These were fine young mice,” said Lt. Colonel Stewart, a 6-year-old Former Feral, Scottish Fold male, “They gave their lives doing what they loved. When they signed on to become catnip mice they knew the risks and bravely accepted them. They are my heroes.”

Grover is said to be still mourning the deaths of the mice

According to military documents, it was decided the mice bravely perished doing what they were intended to do and stated they died ‘in the line of fire.' The deaths were not homicidal. Indeed, the motto of the United States Catnip Mouse Army is ‘ut ceteri ludant,’ or, ‘so others may play.’

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Ketchup Packets Stolen From Local Cat's Home

Lynnwood, WA

Everything seemed normal when Dixie, a 9-year-old, Domestic Long Hair cat returned home from the local Fred Meyer store. She had just completed grocery shopping and had her eyebrows waxed at the local beauty salon when she arrived home to find she’d become a statistic.

Dixie reportedly was bringing the groceries in from the car and noticed the front door open a crack. “I was scared as to what I might find,“ Dixie said, “but I used a giant smoked sausage I’d bought and pushed the door open all the way and walked inside.” She immediately called police, knowing she had been burglarized.

Dixie had as many as 95 ketchup packets before the burglary

“The first thing I noticed was the cupboard drawers were ajar.” said Dixie, obviously still nervous and shaken from the home invasion, “There was an open bag of flour on the floor and the silverware drawer was also open.” Lynnwood police set up a SWAT perimeter around Dixie’s house in an attempt to find the thief or thieves

Dixie is a secretary cat for a local tow truck company. She left work early today in the hopes of taking a nap in the afternoon sun after grocery shopping and before her teencats, Jack, Roo, and Anthrax, arrived home from Lynnwood High School.

“Then I saw it…they were gone, gone.“ Dixie tearfully continued, “Someone stole all my ketchup packets.“ Dixie stopped and shuddered, recalling the ketchup packets she had been collecting in the drawer for so long.

Police set up a SWAT perimeter around Dixie’s house in an attempt to find the thief or thieves

Dixie said that at first she wasn’t sure what to do with all the leftover ketchup packets she seemed to amass from frequent trips to local fast food eateries. “It seemed they just piled up, you know?“ she said, “A leftover one from McDonald’s, one or two from Wendy’s, Dick’s, or Burgermaster.”

“I just started putting them all in one drawer, a central location, I guess you could say,…in case I ever needed one.” Dixie continued. “It just started that way and pretty soon I had a whole drawer full of them…there was even some hot sauce in there from Taco Bell.”

Dixie admitted she might have had a few sets of disposable chopsticks in the drawer as well

Dixie told Lynnwood Police officers that there could have been up to 95 ketchup packets in that single drawer alone, some disposable chopstick sets from a teriyaki take-out place, and even a few soy sauce packets.

“We are not sure as to the motives of the thief in this crime,” stated officer Dan McFarland, “At this time we are just pleased that no one was hurt and that there appears to have been no further thievery besides the ketchup packets and a few other such items.”

Dixie’s teencats, Jack, Roo, and Anthrax, were safe at school and were not harmed

Other sources close to the Gazette report that Dixie also had mayonnaise packets and as many as 15 mustard packets in the drawer.

“I just hope they catch whoever did this to me.” Dixie said, “I feel very violated…it really took me a long time to collect that many ketchup packets.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Two Crows Spotted In Local Tree

Lake Forest Park, WA

It was another chilly afternoon in the Pacific Northwest, a day like any other in recent weeks consisting of fog, frigid temperatures, and snow flurries. What made this day different for a local cat from Lake Forest Park was a startling discovery in a group of trees.

“I was just walking down the road going to see my friend and his momcat.” said Tiny Dancer, a gray, male, Domestic Short Hair from Lake Forest Park. “My pal called and asked me to come over, we were gonna rip up some of his owners’ shit.”

Tiny Dancer said that when he reached the corner and made the usual turn to go to see his teencat friend, something just didn’t feel right. “The hair kinda stood up on my back a bit,” He said, “I didn’t really know why, I just had a bad feeling.”

Tiny Dancer was on the way to a friend’s house to “…rip up some of his owners’ shit.” when he saw the two crows

Tiny Dancer looked up and what he saw startled him. Two birds, crows to be exact, were sitting on a branch carefully examining him with their beady little eyes.

“Really, I was in shock. Two crows, in a tree! How often do you see that?” Tiny Dancer said, explaining that his first fear was that they had been following him from home, thinking that maybe he had a cracker or something and were planning to rob him.

“I didn’t have nothing on me, so no real reason to worry.” Tiny Dancer continued, “All the same I was scared to see them sitting there. They were quiet, then suddenly, one crowed at me.”

The two crows, names unknown, sat upon a medium level branch in the tree and gaped down at Tiny Dancer from the high perch.

Loretta was shelving jam jars when she heard Tiny Dancer's hissing

A neighbor cat, Loretta, a spayed, black, Domestic Short Hair, came out of her garage where she’d been putting away jars of freshly canned jam when she heard Tiny Dancer’s loud hissing.

“Why, I dropped one jar of strawberry preserves on the garage floor in shock and then came rushing out to the street, “ she said “I saw poor Tiny Dancer by the curb all hunkered down and hissing, and then I saw the birds, both of them…I got scared.”

Loretta's neighborhood, where the two crows were seen

The cats went and quickly called local authorities, who rushed to the scene. By the time the police got there, the crows had abandoned their vantage point for parts unknown. Police took down Tiny Dancer’s report and a witness statement from Loretta.

Tiny Dancer continued on to his friend’s house and Loretta went back to her work in the garage. All eyes are peeled in case the two crows decide to return to the scene.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Pugs More Likely To Plead Guilty To Crimes They Didn't Commit

Sequim, WA Pugs are more likely to plead guilty to crimes they did not commit because they are really dumb and thus less able to make matu...