Friday, February 27, 2009

Ugly Cat Wins Defamation Lawsuit

Seattle, WA

"They would laugh when they fed me..."

Jabba, a 9-year-old, long-hair, rare Tortoise Shell male, used to live with his owners in Lower Queen Anne. He now resides in a plush pad of his own in the posh Vanguard Towers building in Bellevue after winning a lucrative defamation lawsuit in King County just last week.

Jabba sued his owners, Jim and Debra Skunk, originally of Snohomish, charging that they emotionally abused him, making fun of his strangely-shaped head and relative rotundity. Jabba stated in court documents that "...they used to tell guests that I was so fat that I was like two cats in one..."

Jabba teared up as he recalled their abuse "...and they laughed when they fed me, it was terrible. I still have eating issues." As Jabba gave his testimony, members of the jury were seen wiping back their own tears of sorrow for him.

The King County Courthouse in Seattle, WA

Jabba says that while he knew that he was binge eating to curb his intense emotional pain, he felt hopeless about life in general and could not find any motivation to stop. "I would cry myself to sleep" Jabba recalled. "They would call me names like 'monsterface,'"

Jabba heard the abuse day in and day out for most of his nine years and then one day simply decided to sue. The landmark case generated much attention from the media. His owners did not show up to the courthouse despite the fact that there was a subpoena.

Jabba's lawyer presented a case to a jury of twelve that highlighted a life of emotional pain, addiction, and grief, interlaced with fluctuating eating issues. At one point Jabba went back and forth between periods of binge-eating and near anorexia.

University of Washington psychiatrist Dr. Kong King Gin said in an interview today that at the root of almost all eating disorders are serious self-esteem and self-hate issues, possibly ingrained since early cathood.

Feelings of being "not good enough" or feeling "worthless and ugly" are translated into eating issues and become a way of gaining control of the body in a world where one feels they have no control over anything.

Dr. Kong King Gin is an expert in the treatment of eating-disorders

After a two-week trial, the jury found Jim and Deborah Skunk guilty of emotional abuse and granted Jabba 2.5 million dollars for emotional stress, winning a successful defamation of character lawsuit in the King County Court System.

He has since changed his name to "Fluffy."

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Saturday, February 14, 2009

“Birth Control Glasses” Effective In Preventing Unwanted Pregnancy, Study Finds

Seattle, WA

In the future, cats who decide they want to have kittens later in life may have an easy option, a removable contraceptive device that stops potential partners from approaching and ultimately stopping pregnancies from occurring.

A recent 2-year study conducted by Planned Parenthood and concluded last week has proven the efficacy of the devices preventing unwanted pregnancies.

In the study 100 cats ranging in age from 2-to-9-years-old, were fitted with ugly pairs of thick glasses and sent into bar rooms filled with drunk males.

Layla, a Boeing engineer, said the glasses are the best birth-control device she has ever used

In the bar room-type experiments the unsightly glasses quickly deterred even the most obviously inebriated males from attempting to hustle, grab at, feel up, or mate with the females.

In the two years the cats wore the glasses, none of them became pregnant. Females polled said the main benefit to the glasses is they do not require the removal of the ovaries and involves no pain or daily pills.

Disco said "No one's hit on me yet..."

The ugly glasses are thought to prevent the production of sex hormones by males, and the device is simply taken off when the time for having kittens is right.

The glasses were the idea of one cat, Jasper, a 15-year-old Domestic Short Hair. Jasper is a consulting physician at Planned Parenthood and based the project on his own dating experiences.

Males agreed the glasses are so ugly and off-putting to that an estimated 20,000 unwanted kitten pregnancies are believed to have been avoided.

Boo-Boo said that when his wife Clementine puts the glasses on, he isn’t “…turned on at all”

“I don’t want kittens until I am married.” said Layla, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The glasses mean they (males) won’t even come near me, I feel it is the right thing to do. They are the best birth-control device I have ever used.”

The "Birth Control Glasses" have been hailed as a Godsend by many females, who credit the glasses with putting a halt on their previously wild and promiscuous behavior and allowing them to focus on their studies.

The glasses are currently available only in Seattle. Similar in appearance to a set of glasses for humans, they are simply placed upon on the cat’s face to deter would-be suitors.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Medium To Large-Sized Bug Seen On Local Wall

Forks, WA

All over the town of Forks there were reports coming in about a dramatic increase in the number of bugs seen on walls. Waco, a 2-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold male, pictured above, was interrupted in his rural while playing Halo 2 by the presence of a bug.

The bug was medium-sized, about the size of a quarter. Reports said that it first crawled very slowly up from the floor paneling and settled into a spot about one foot from the ceiling, where it stayed for almost two hours, not moving.

Waco reported the bug to his mom, who urged him to "get" the bug. Waco reportedly threw down his Wii controller and attempted to get the bug.

The bug defiantly stayed in one spot for the nest fifteen minutes, then tried unsuccessfully to climb higher, only to fall to the floor, where it was caught by young Waco. Waco triumphantly disabled the bug and ate it.

The medium-sized bug as seen on an Edmonds wall.

In recent weeks there have been many such sightings of bugs on walls. Just last week there were a total of fourteen spider and bug-related sightings in the town of Forks alone. Cats everywhere agree that bugs on walls are a good thing, bringing back the entertainment of old and helping cats put down video games and get a bit of exercise.

"We have been trying to figure out how to pull Waco away from those video games." said Waco's mom Bella, a spayed, 9-year-old, Domestic Long Hair female, originally from Jasper, Wyoming. "This bug thing is really helping out. We are glad to see more bugs on the walls these days, it is what cats are meant to do indoors."

Waco spends most days playing video games

Indeed many other cats agree with Bella. Teenage cat surveys show that the leading activity in most households now is playing video games, not bathing, napping, and biting others, as was once all the rage.

"Those video games are destroying my son's childhood and robbing him of his creativity. Now I see him glancing up at the walls more often, eyes black, hoping to catch real prey instead of wasting time." Bella stated.

"I like bugs" says Waco

Sharyn Thoma Guay

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