Monday, May 31, 2010

Holiday Weekend Crash Leaves Two Dead In Edmonds

Edmonds, WA

A Donut and his Latte friend were killed Sunday night in a car crash off Highway 99 in Edmonds, according to police.
Lawrence, a Raspberry-Filled-Sugar-Coated Donut from QFC (seen above in his yearbook photo) had just graduated high school and was well liked by everyone, according to reports.

Friends said Lawrence was driving to a party with his friend Henry, a 2-hour-old, Grande Mocha Nonfat White Chocolate Latte, when they hit a pole.

Sneakers said he will miss seeing his friend Lawrence each morning at breakfast

Police said alcohol was not a factor in the incident, although they did not rule out high amounts of sugar as a contributing factor.

“It was horrible,” said the witness who called police. “The airbag hit (the donut) right in the chest, there was jelly all over the place.”

Lawrence was transported to Harborview Medical Center, where fresh powdered sugar was applied to his body and he was given a raspberry jam transfusion. After two hours in the ER he was pronounced dead.

Seen here in his yearbook photo posing on the beach, friends said Henry loved flag football and travel

The Latte was pulled from the wreck and treated at the scene but succumbed to his injuries despite numerous attempts by medics to add cream and sugar.

Henry was not wearing a seat belt, according to police. Family members could not be reached yesterday.

Lawrence was the quarterback for the Edmonds Mustangs, a team in the semi-pro flag football league. He had just joined the team, according to reports.

Friend Gigantor is “stricken” with grief and has taken to drinking to numb himself from the pain of loss

“He was a real sweetie, everyone liked him,” said Sneakers, a 5-year-old Domestic Short Hair who has known Lawrence all his life. “He was just that kind of Donut.’’

One friend, a 2-year-old Siamese named Gigantor said Lawrence “always” hung out with his Latte friend Henry and despite obvious cultural differences, no one ever questioned it. “The two of them just seemed to belong together,” he said.

Others fondly remembered the boys talking of trips they planned to go on together in the future, possibly to the Grand Canyon or Death Valley.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Sneakers Photo: Thanks to Rochelle

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Reports Show Most Humane Society Detainees “Low-Level” Terrorists At Best

Lynnwood, WA

When President Obama took office in 2009, about 10% of the 240 incarcerated POW cats in Lynnwood were said by the government to be "leaders, operatives and facilitators involved in plots against the government.”

Secret documents leaked now say the majority are actually “low-level fighters,” or terrorists who mostly were involved in operations to buy, steal, or hoard peanut butter.

Furthermore, about 5% of the detainees could not be categorized at all, except for the fact that (the POWs) stated they “liked to eat toilet paper and/or paper towels.”

This POW was held for a year after being caught toilet-papering a neighbor’s yard

The final report by the UN recommended 126 of the POWs be transferred back to their original homes or to a third country; that 36 be prosecuted in federal court for peanut butter crimes; and that 48 be held indefinitely under the laws of war.

A group of 30 Siamese were approved for release if security conditions in their home country improve.

According to the report, more than 60 career professionals including government intelligence analysts, deli workers, and hot nacho bar operators compiled files on each detainee.

Accused of being a Taliban member, this POW said his only preference was “toilet paper”

The files included capture information, interview reports and other searches done by CIA, FBI and National Security Agencies, as well as files on behavior, mental health, favorite toys, and snacks.

Apart from the 10% implicated in plots against grocery stores and mini-marts, a group of about 20% of POWs were said to have had “significant roles” in the toilet papering of people’s lawns.

Fewer than 10% were actual high-ranking terrorists who posed any threat at all other than to themselves and mice.

Mustafa, a locally known Siamese Mix, was imprisoned after attempting to buy peanut butter with an expired 2-for-1 coupon and claimed racial profiling later got him arrested

For one POW, Mustafa, a 10-year-old, neutered Siamese Mix, it means finally going home after he was imprisoned a year ago while attempting to buy peanut butter with an expired 2-for-1 coupon.

Most POWs had no comment, but were nevertheless happy that the report had finally come into light.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Stuffed Toy Ambushed, Killed, In Local Home Say Military Officials

Lynnwood, WA

Cats infiltrated a local home and assaulted a red and blue striped catnip-filled tube sock, one that had been lurking under a couch, on Saturday night, military officials said. This is the second attack on a major toy in a week.

The attack began with rocket fire and small arms movement around 8 p.m., said a 6-year-old, spayed Tortoise Shell sniper named Ginnie. One of the rockets struck near an ottoman and destroyed a TV Guide, he said.

Cats on foot were assisted by snipers in trees. They attacked the northern perimeter of the couch in a flanking maneuver, though they killed no one and did not break anything, officials stated.

A kitten armed with an M1918 Browning automatic rifle entering the home was injured after tripping on a shoe.

The raid was successful despite the lack of air support, officials said

Cats said they had seen the tube sock before but had lost sight of it. Upon its return it was deemed suspicious and they called in the raid. “It had catnip in it,” said one attacker.

Names of some of the cats involved have been withheld pending investigation as per specific Department of Homeland Security protocol.

Military officials said the raid, conducted by the 1st Division, 5th Felines, was “unfortunately necessary and thoroughly well planned.”

Major General Snowball, of the 1st Division, 5th Felines said “their fire discipline was amazing.”

“It was very sporadic small-arms fire,” said Major General Snowball, an 18-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, adding that the attack seemed to be spread over roughly two hours.

The cats stated although they lacked the support of a mortar platoon, the raid was surprisingly successful. “Their fire discipline was amazing,” said the General. The sock toy was killed instantly.

“(Toys) are unpredictable,” said one cat. “They have sometimes been in their positions for weeks or months, dug into gaps under furniture or hiding out in pillbox structures and can be very difficult to overcome without air support.”

Only one cat was injured during the successful attack

Just last week, NATO announced the deaths of three catnip mice and one feather toy, who was working as a contractor, in two separate skirmishes in the Lynnwood-Edmonds area.

No further details were given pending investigation.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, May 21, 2010

Tickle Me Elmo Fired For Sexual Harassment

Edmonds, WA

A Costco executive accused of sexual harassment has officially been fired from his job effective yesterday, one week after a cat whom he allegedly harassed reported it.

Elmo, a 7-year-old, Cotton, Polyester, and Plastic Puppet, was accused by more than ten of his co-workers of sexual harassment and had at least one protective order filed against him stemming from the same events, according to one of his alleged victims.

Forthcoming charges against Elmo could also include tickling.

“He tickled me, yes…” said this Costco employee, who then filed a complaint

Cats from the Edmonds Police Department said they had received multiple reports of tickling at the local Costco and that it had been reviewed by a supervisor and assigned for investigation.

Elmo has since said the allegations against him are a “total fabrication of the truth” and has maintained that his employment record is spotless. Lawyers said Costco would not comment on the firing.

Elmo claims to have been targeted by his colleagues continually since his appointment to the executive board in 2006, after which other executives feared the beginnings of a puppet regime.

Rumors persist that Elmo was put into place to be controlled by Dachshunds, who yearn for control of Costco’s vast North American enterprises

Elmo has worked for Costco as an executive board member since 2003. Rumors swirl that Elmo was put in place so his 35% vote could be controlled by Dachshunds, who have been long rumored to be planning a coup to take control of North American Costco operations.

Elmo had previously been called in and given the opportunity to resign but did not. Reached today for comment, Elmo said the results exceeded the offense.

Officials told Elmo that he "was a divisive force in the store at a time when the store needed unity" and that he must resign by 11:30 a.m. or be fired and have his "long history of tickling ... made public."

As an executive board member, Elmo had a 35% vote

Elmo states he should be given a chance to defend the tickling, and his position that his firing was for “political reasons.”

Judges are scheduled to meet Wednesday afternoon to discuss written statements given by Elmo and the cats who filed the sexual harassment complaint against him.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Young Red Ant Struck, Killed On Local Sidewalk

Lynnwood, WA

Reports of ant sightings in local neighborhoods today ended with sadness just hours later when a popular young Red Ant was struck by a pedestrian and killed on a sunny sidewalk.

The ant that cats saw earlier that day was likely the same ant that was killed, police said.

The ant was hit after 12 p.m. while carrying a large cracker crumb and traveling southbound towards 196th Street on the sidewalk of 64th Avenue. No cats were injured.

This witness called police, but sadly it was too late

Wildlife officers think the ant most likely came from an ant colony located in a crack in the asphalt near Trader Joe‘s off Aurora just one block away.

The ant, a 9-week-old Red Ant named Sidney, was “probably just looking for food and got lost,” neighbors said.

“Ants are social insects,” said Jeanette, a 1-year-old Red Ant who lived with Sidney. “He was always popular here, he had many friends. The truth is we don’t really know what Sid was doing out alone.”

Friends said Sidney loved Grande Chai no-whip non-fat Mochas in the morning

The first report came early Wednesday morning from cats in the neighborhood. The ant was spotted dropping off a package at a UPS store and was said to have visited the Gourmet Latte espresso stand earlier in the day.

Police officers searched garbage cans around the area but didn't find Sid, who was reported missing that morning. “We were hoping he’d find his way back (to the colony),” police said.

Scarface, a 14-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, was driving to work about 8:30 a.m. when he spotted the ant sitting on the end of a popsicle stick. “At first I thought it was a great big dog,” he said. He called 911 after realizing it was an ant.

Sidney lived with 25,000 friends in an ant colony near this Trader Joe’s location

The ant ran into someone's back yard. Scarface was saddened to hear it was killed later that night. The ant likely came looking for food, which is common this time of year, police said.

About 25,000 ants live in the Trader Joe‘s parking lot, according to Fish and Wildlife. They typically avoid people and cats but can wander into residential areas.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Two-Year-Old Vampire Bat Victim Of Discrimination At His School

Seattle, WA

Seattle is hailed as a multicultural city, tolerant of and accepting of the practices of all citizens who live within its borders. However, a local group of Vampire Bats say they are being unfairly targeted.

“My son Ellroy was cruelly ridiculed and embarrassed in front of his classmates for eating with a fork and a spoon,” said Maria, a 13-year-old Northwestern Vampire Bat. “He was just trying to fit in. They also made fun of his hairy arms and said he had big ears.”

Another mom said her son Billy, a 2-year-old Hairy-Legged Vampire Bat, was teased at school for attempting to suck the blood of a classmate. “It’s instinctual, he couldn’t help it,” she stated. “It’s just a phase, he’ll grow out of it.”

Lynndale Elementary has seen episodes of bat and even kitten bullying in the past

Discrimination is wrong and damaging to the self esteem and ego of the victim, it is also illegal. Psychologists warn it is far worse when it happens to the fragile ego of a youngster, even a Vampire Bat.

“Trauma of this sort sometimes is so extreme it is often carried into adulthood,” said school principal Jerome, a 9-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair. “It can leave bats scarred for life with serious body issues and often render them unable to suck blood without fear or anxiety attacks.”

The young Vampire Bat teased for eating with utensils was indeed traumatized. His parents said he woke up that night screaming he didn't want to go to school. He was only consoled by going to sleep in his mom’s bed with his favorite blankie.

This seemingly innocent kitten has been suspended for bullying over nine times

Both mothers complained to the Edmonds School District about the bullying situations, but were given no comments or feedback.

Vampire Bats, who feed regularly on the blood of living animals, say they have grown tired of being labeled “parasites among mammals” and have started to change their snacking habits, but slip ups in public are inevitable.

“One of the bats I know who was badly bullied now has an eating disorder,” said one Vampire Bat mom. “She won’t touch blood, frequently abuses laxatives, and thinks she’s fat. She just hangs upside down in her cave all night long. It's sad.”

Depressed, this often-bullied Vampire Bat refuses to eat, and believes she is “fat and ugly”

No matter who you are or what or who or what you eat, if you are being abused, teased, spanked, or discriminated against, you should tell somebody.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Cat Who Farted In Tanning Bed Laughed Away In Shame

Edmonds, WA

A local cat today is hanging her head in shame after accidentally farting in a local tanning salon which was full of cats waiting to tan.

The cat, Janet, a 12-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair who works at Premera Blue Cross, told police she was feeling “very relaxed” and that (the fart) just “accidentally happened.”

“You just have got to know better than to do such things,” said Brandi, a 2-year-old Abyssinian who works at the salon. “Everyone knows it’s like an echo chamber in there.”

Each day many cats flock to the salon to get a start on their Summer tans

A witness at the scene said normally there is upbeat, thumping music playing to compensate for any (farts) that might occur during the normally 15-20 minute tanning sessions.

The Edmonds salon, Electric Beach Tanning, told the Gazette their stereo systems were down for repair that day.

“Janet was probably unaware that the music systems were down,” said tanning bed operator Brandi. “She usually brings her own iPod instead of using our own internal headphone units.

As with most tanning salons, the rooms are private, yet open

While Janet and other cats tanned, there were some six others queued up in the waiting room, reading US Weekly and sipping water.

“She had no idea it was completely silent in the waiting area,” Brandi stated. “Those beds are hard plastic, it was loud.”

All of the tanning units are in individual rooms, as per the usual design, but to keep rooms from overheating there is no roof, resulting in a completely open environment.

Brandi said “those beds are hard plastic, it was loud.”

“The fans were going, just like normal,” said another witness. “She was in tanning room one and it's in the front, so when she (farted), not only could we hear a wild ripping noise, but the fans started blowing it all around and we couldn’t stop laughing.”

Some said they were “startled and shocked” by the sudden noise. One cat described the ordeal stating “…it was like being shot at by a sniper from some unseen machine gun.“

Some two minutes later, Janet exited the tanning bed only to find everyone laughing at her. With her head low, she slinked out the door to her car.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Local Cat Busted For Hoarding Peanut Butter

Edmonds, WA

His compulsion is peanut butter. Creamy, chunky, extra-chunky, and even organic, and it has catapulted him and his family into an emotional and financial tailspin.

Spumoni, a 14-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, first recognized he had a problem about three weeks ago, when Fred Meyer stores held a sale in which each variety of their Kroger brand peanut butter was priced at $1.29 or $2.29 each, depending on the size.

"I was literally shaking, trying to get dressed to get to the store," Spumoni recalled. "I went to three or four different stores that day, I had a friend on the phone going to one near him to buy for me, and I had my mom and neighbors online ordering too.”

Peanut butter confiscated from his home was labeled “damaged” and divvied up between excited officers

“I grabbed jar after jar of peanut butter I didn't need,“ Spumoni said. “I bought four of the Extra Crunchy kind in two different sizes." By the end of the day, Spumoni’s compulsion had cost over $800.

Although the American Medical Association and U.S.D.A. recommends cats keep at least 25-50 extra jars of peanut butter on hand at any given time, Spumoni said he was going “too far.”

At the height of his addiction, Spumoni estimates that he spent well over $1,200 a week and eight to 10 hours a day, every day, shopping for peanut butter on the Web.

He described nights awake in bed worried someone somewhere had posted an ad for peanut butter on sale and that he was missing out.

Witnesses saw him sweating profusely and nervously filling a grocery cart to its brim and notified the proper authorities who jailed him and searched his home.

Police armed only with small handguns conducted a thorough search of Spumoni’s home

“I would log on at three in the morning sometimes,” he confessed to police. Spumoni later admitted he would stay online until his mother woke up, then start all over again once she went to work.

"I'd get a rush, a physical high," he said. "It got so bad that just thinking about shopping for peanut butter, I'd start to shake."

Maxed-out credit cards, more than $135,000 in peanut butter-related debt, and finally an arrest convinced Spumoni that he needed to kick the habit.

Police found this peanut butter maker (the possession of which is a misdemeanor) hidden in his Edmonds-area home

Now on parole for this serious violation, he joined a group at the Peanut Butter-Addiction and Recovery Clinic and has vowed to cut down purchases to $150.00 a day.

He thinks the worst is over but added, "I don't know if I'll ever be normal." Meanwhile, his family struggles to untangle the financial mess his obsession has wrought.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Suspicious Looking Cooler Was Hiding Diet Cokes, Fruit, Feds Say

Edmonds, WA

Streets in downtown Edmonds were closed off late Thursday afternoon after a local cat reported a suspicious-looking cooler “loitering” at the Quick Stop 24-hour market.

F.B.I. agents closed the Quick Mart, which re-opened about 5 hours later. Agents at the scene called the suspect, a 2-year-old, white, 50-quart Igloo Cube Cooler named Jake, “a possible threat.”

The suspect was found to have been hiding some 24 cans of Diet Coke, a container of sliced fruit, 2 apple fritters, and was said to have been searching for even more drinks to chill before being caught.

Crunk saw the suspicious cooler and alerted authorities

“I tried to get him to talk, to ask what he was doing there,” said witness Crunk, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, of the suspect he later reported. “He just wouldn’t open up,” he stated.

The cooler is currently being held in the Federal Detention Center in Seattle.

Documents show Jake is originally from Canada, where he previously lived in a Wal-Mart store with a group of some 50 other Coolers, and is in the country illegally.

Jake will spend at least 14 weeks behind bars and must pay a $25,000 fine for unlawful possession of apple fritters before being deported to Canada when he is released, reports said.

Jake was arrested after a cat saw him loitering outside a local Quick Stop

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Lonely Shopping Cart Sadly Takes Own Life

Lynnwood, WA

The life of a shopping cart has come to an end after losing an ongoing battle with depression.

Augustine, a 4-year-old, blue and plastic Shopping Cart was found dead in the back alley behind the Albertson’s on Aurora Avenue and 196th street this morning. His wife, Ramona the Pest is inconsolable.

Augustine had been employed by Albertson’s for nearly his entire life when he was suddenly laid off last December.

“I knew that he was depressed,” said Ramona, a 5-year-old, spayed Tortoise Shell. "I felt helpless."

“He was so worried about money” said Ramona

“We used to go for walks every night," she said. "More and more I was noticing he’d pull away from me and just drift off in another direction.”

“It was a terrible shock to him,” Ramona said, “He tried to get a job at both Safeway and Fred Meyer, but they use black carts or red, they told him they had no use for a blue cart. It was very hard on (him).”

Ramona said Augustine became more and more withdrawn and eventually his health began to fail him. “He was so worried about money.” Ramona said.

Friend Fred said he ‘knew’ something was wrong

Friends also noticed the change the young cart. Fred, a 2-year-old, plastic and metal Shopping Cart from Trader Joe’s said “He stopped playing in our weekly poker games and he didn’t return anyone’s calls. We all knew he was going downhill.”

Ramona told police Augustine left the house Wednesday night saying he was ‘very tired and needed to be alone.’ A local cat reported seeing the cart laying dead in the back alley this morning and called police, who retrieved his wallet and contacted Ramona.

“His left rear wheel would get stuck sometimes, or rattle really loud,” she told the Gazette, “It was very wobbly, I know he was embarrassed about it, he thought that was why they let him go."

Ramona misses her nightly walks with Augustine

Instead of seeking help for his new disability, Augustine grew despondent and began to drink motor oil. “I guess he thought it would help with the pain, but it changed him.” Ramona said.

The once-happy couple met on a chance shopping trip two years ago, when Ramona happened to choose him as a cart.

“I know I missed all the warning signs, but I thought my love for him could pull him through.” she lamented. “I do remember him saying that he was tired of being pushed around, but I never thought he would take his own life.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Photos By Me

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Rampant Paper Towel Eating Reported At Building Owned By Top Senate Aide

Edmonds, WA

Top ranked Senate Aide Corky, a 5-year-old, spayed, Russian Blue and her domestic partner Fibby, also 5, evicted a tenant from a Main Street two-story apartment building they own after neighbors identified it as the site of rampant paper towel eating, police said today.

Corky said she learned of the problems at the building after Edmonds Police met with building supervisors as part of a program targeting alleged drug houses.

“Apparently someone had seen (the tenant in question) eating and shredding roll after roll of paper towels,” said an insider. “Just mindlessly ripping into them, as if in a trance. I guess they called the cops.”

The paper towel eating occurred in this Edmonds apartment building

An officer involved in the meeting gave the building owners a document indicating they knew paper towels were being eaten at the property.

“We’re landlords here just like everyone else,,” Corky said. “We did what we had to do as soon as we found out about it. It is a travesty. We, as a couple, do not eat paper towels ourselves and want to put this issue to rest.”

Reports say the F.B.I. is reviewing the case for possible legal action under an Edmonds ordinance intended to target and clean up homes used by gangs or by drug dealers.

Neighbors said Buddy appeared to be a “nice boy…”

The evicted tenant, Buddy, a 2-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short-Hair, said he had “no idea” that eating paper towels was illegal, despite the fact the he hesitated over letting police inside, and had over 125 rolls stashed in the apartment along with 50 rolls of double-ply toilet paper, and 72 bags of Mini Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies.

When confronted by police, Corky said Buddy simply “feigned ignorance, even with scraps of (paper towel) hanging from his mouth.”

“He looked to be a nice boy, a single cat,” said an elderly neighbor of the young cat, who had lived next door to her for the past year and a half. “He said he knew nothing about eating paper towels.”

Corky is a well-known top-ranked Senate Aide

Corky and Fibby were at the property today overseeing repairs. They found the entire floor covered 3 inches deep with garbage, broken pipes, and empty paper towel and toilet paper rolls.

Corky and Fibby have owned the building since late 2001 and said they never had any problems with tenants before.

Government statistics from a 2009 survey show that 97% of the United States Feline population has tried paper towels, peanut butter, or other illicit drugs at least once in their lives.

“This is the first time we have had an issue like this,” Corky said. “Unfortunately, eating paper towels is an all too common problem that is often misdiagnosed and overlooked.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Photos of Buddy: Thanks to Anthony Marchese

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