Monday, April 27, 2009

Monkeys Sent By IRS Seize Auto, Kitten

Seattle, WA

It was a sad state of affairs this morning when a young kitten was violently taken from her parents by a group of three monkeys sent by the Internal Revenue Service.

In an effort approved by the IRS Commissioner, Margaret Milner Richardson, has begun the first of an intense series of random tax audits to be completed by the end of 2009.

Parents Rhubarb and Addison were selected not because they are suspected of cheating on their taxes, but because the IRS wants to know how accurately cats are filling out their tax forms.

Addison reportedly wrote-off thousands of cheezburger dinners

The IRS has plans to audit 92,923 tax returns in a sample designed to capture a complete range of taxpayers. “I never thought we'd be audited.” Addison, a 6-year-old, spayed Persian lamented.

During the audit, it was discovered that for the past four years both Rhubarb and Addison had claimed thousands and thousands of dollars in cheezburger dinners at Carls, Jr., In-N-Out Burger, and Fatburger as business expenses for a business they did not have.

The couple had also written off a new Nissan 370z as a business expense, as well as thousands of dollars spent on packages of frozen, lean, ground beef..

Rhubarb is still in shock after having his son confiscated

“The beef we used to entertain friends who we saw as potential clients,” said Rhubarb, an 8-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, “We had always thought of opening up a dog grooming business, we were just waiting for the right time to get the actual license. All our friends said they wrote everything off and never got questioned…we never thought we’d get caught.”

As punishment, the IRS sent a group of three monkeys to their home after hours to confiscate the car and their son.

Muffin, an 8-month-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, was physically removed from their arms by monkeys and taken to an undisclosed location.

The monkeys hired by the government had no comment

“This is an outrage!” Rhubarb screamed, “What use do you have for my son? How can you do this?” The monkeys reportedly did not speak and only removed the items they were told to.

The IRS has since stated that anyone chosen for the audit will have to produce a check, a receipt or other document to back up every dollar and every single deduction, lest their children also be confiscated.

The strict demands of the IRS could possibly take days or even weeks to fulfill. All cats selected for audit should gather their affairs in order and possibly send young kittens abroad until the audit is completed.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Concern Grows Over Lack Of New Furniture To Scratch The Shit Out Of

Lynnwood, WA

The economy has been in a straight line decline for most of the past year and one result is a reduction in the number of new furniture pieces purchased to rip the shit out of.

Fergie, a 4-year-old, spayed, Persian is just one of a number of cats with such growing concerns. An impromptu meeting was called to discuss the growing alarm within the community.

“I think we underestimate the importance of having nice pieces of furniture to rip up.” Fergie said in a meeting held today at the Lynnwood Convention Center. “Some of us maybe don’t realize that scratching the same old thing really has no point once you’ve thoroughly destroyed it.”

Some cat owners try to ‘cat-proof’ their furniture

Fergie went on to discuss the merits of ripping brand-new furniture to shreds. “It gives off a sort of euphoric high, that first rip you hear on the side of a newly upholstered couch. It is very freeing in the sense that you know that you just accomplished something truly unique and great.”

The bad economy has CCL's (Crazy Cat Ladies) trying to prolong the life of their already-ripped up furniture instead of investing in new pieces. One owner reportedly covered their couch in duct tape in an effort to prolong its life.

“I was very depressed,” said Blueberry, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “I saw them duct tape the whole sofa up as if to say ‘in your face,’ Suddenly I had nothing new to scratch up and it was devastating.”

Blueberry grew depressed and bored at the lack of new furniture to rip up

Many cats faced with endless repairs of damage they inflict on furniture find they become bored and indeed, depressed. It can also lead to counter peeing, according to research.

Blueberry admitted that he started maniacally ripping up the newspapers every day to try to fill the gaping hole in his heart left by the duct-tape repaired chair, but it was of no use.

“It just isn’t the same.” he sobbed. “I wish they’d at least buy a new throw rug or something. I even tried peeing in the sink, but it is not the same feeling.”

Cats discussed ways of creating need for new furniture, but remained saddened mostly due to the state of the economy and the effect it has on new furniture purchases.

Ghost has turned his attention to speaker coverings

“I started ripping into the felt on my owner’s speakers and on the sides of the TV speakers,” said Ghost, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “It was pretty rewarding. Not on a new sofa-scale, but it was impressive nonetheless. I mean, what am I even here for if not to rip up your shit?"

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Local Kitten Survives Seven Days Off Crap Stuck In Master's Keyboard

Sequim, WA

There was only one thing that General's owners forgot to do the night before they left on their Niagara Falls honeymoon vacation, get someone to feed the kitten.

Just the week before, General, a 10-week-year-old Domestic Short Hair male, originally from Arlington, had been told that his owners were going on a trip. The couple, Lisa and Jeff Nightly, had been recently married and were to visit Niagara Falls for six days and seven nights at the ultra-luxurious Falls Motel.

Only hours after the couple embarked on their journey, General grew hungry and strolled to his leopard-print ceramic bowls laid out in the kitchen, only to find them glaringly empty.

“At first I thought it must be a mistake,” said General with tears in his eyes as he remembered the ordeal, “I figured someone must be going to come over and feed me later.”

Lisa and Jeff Nightly were celebrating their recent marriage and forgot about poor General

General went to the couch and curled up to take a nap and await the arrival of his dinner. That dinner never came. Two days later General was desperate, having only had toilet water since his owners’ departure, he knew he would starve if he didn’t find food.

“The pantry and everything were all closed up…” he recalled. “…I was terrified and desperate.” General said that he went over to Jeff’s computer to see if the power was on, thinking he could possibly order a pizza online for delivery.

“They had turned the computer off, everything was powered down and I had no phone number to call them at.” General said. It was then that he noticed a bit of what appeared to be a Dorito crumb near the numbers lock key on Jeff’s Hewlett-Packard computer.

The keyboard, chock full of mold and food tidbits, sustained young General until his owners’ return one week later

“I inched it out with my paw and ate it.” General said, “It was then that I remembered all the hours Jeff sat at that damn thing looking up stock quotes and porn, all the while eating stuff.” Indeed the keyboard was fuzzy with white mold from all the food that Jeff had dropped on it while surfing the web, but it turned out to come in quite handy.

General told the Gazette that there was so much crap stuck in the keyboard that he was able to feed himself and prevent starving until his owners return the following week. “At one point I found a bit of rice, some pretzel crumb, salt, smears of chocolate, dried barbeque sauce, and cookie crumbs.” General said that he tore off a few of the keys to get to some of the food residue but when Jeff and Lisa came home, they didn’t care.

General has gained weight and strength since their return and is now very healthy

“When they came home and saw me looking so tiny and weak, they cried for hours.” he recalled, “Now I am treated very well because of their sharp sense of guilt about the whole thing. They really did completely forget me.”

General’s owners have since purchased an automatic feeder for the kitchen to ensure that General will not run out of food again, barring any vacations.

“I am just glad to be alive.” General stated.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Cats To Sue For Copyright On ‘Cat-Eye’ Highway Road Reflectors

Washington, D.C.

Whether you know it or not, the round, yellow, ‘Catseye’ reflectors seen along the lines of the highway system in the U.S. were deliberately designed to copy the way a real cat’s eye reflects a beam of light in the darkness.

Inventor Percy Shaw was inspired by the reflective quality of a cat's eye leading to the simple invention, which have saved thousands of lives.

Now a group of cats are lobbying in Washington, D.C. to receive compensation for copyright infringement including retroactive back-pay.

Baxter demonstrates the technique copied by humans, reportedly without permission

“The infringement is so obvious, and we have never been compensated for it.” said Baxter, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “This is the work of my forefathers and they (the Humans) are reaping the benefits.”

Cats are reporting that much like the reparations made to Native American Indians, they too are due financial compensation for being obviously stripped of rights and profits for an invention that is purely feline in origin.

“If it weren’t for us, they would never have thought of it.” said Nancy, a 3-year-old Russian Blue female, “You know, back in the day, we were just too poor of a Nation to put up the money and apply for a patent." Nancy said, "It is expensive to register copyrights and apply for patents. It was stolen from us. I’m just sayin.’”

Nancy said cats could not afford to apply for a patent 'back in the day'

“If you have driven anywhere, you have seen thousands of them winding along the side of the road. We could have used the money from these reflectors to build casinos and motels and help build our schools and reservations.” added Baxter.

The 'cat' s eye reflector' is a small yellow-colored reflector embedded into a road or highway, clearly marking the road's edge. It makes roads visible to dumb Humans in conditions when they would otherwise be invisible.

“Copyright infringement occurs when you use or distribute information without permission from the person or organization that owns legal rights to the information.” said Baxter, “This is our history and genetic make-up they are stealing away from us. These activities may seem harmless, but could and they will have serious legal implications.”

The skill is embedded within the feline DNA, a gift to the Humans

The lobbying group is open for new members and volunteers and plans to hold a rally and march on D.C. this June. Cats are hopeful of an award and retro-compensation for time used. The Gazette provide updates as they occur.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Large Apple Fritter Sought In Local Robbery

Palm Springs, CA

An oddly large apple fritter escaped from a Swiss Donut this morning and threatened the life of a local cat.

The fritter, large, and heavily iced, reportedly crept from its white bakery bag, ran across South Sunrise Way and into a local retirement community.

"I saw it race across the street and into the cacti." said witness Marlboro, a 3-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, "It was so big, it looked like a turtle or something."

Marlboro saw the fritter escape across the road

Palm Springs Police were called to the scene of a disturbance just hours later. The fritter had managed to avoid capture and hide in the neighborhood, awaiting its victim.

Police said an elderly cat on her way to play Mexican train dominoes was accosted by the fritter on the street.

“It seemed friendly enough at first, just a regular donut.” said Myrna, a 20-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair.

Myrna was on her way to play Mexican train dominoes when stopped by the fritter

There is some debate as to how to properly classify an apple fritter. Some consider it to be a donut, while others consider it to belong, more generally, to the pastry family.

“It asked me for my wallet.” said Myrna, “Rather, it told me to hand it over or else.”

The fritter, only hours old and very fresh, was reportedly on a mission to get to Los Angeles to see its girlfriend, who was pregnant.

The fritter escaped from the South Sunrise Way Swiss Donut

“At first, I considered eating it,” said Myrna, “Then I got quite scared and gave it my wallet. I never saw a fritter so jumpy before. It was shaking so badly a few apple chunks fell off. I ate the chunks.”

The fritter then scatted off into the clubhouse, reportedly to make a phone call, before disappearing for good.

Police are combing the area and are questioning both witnesses and suspects at this time. No one was injured during the robbery.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

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