Monday, June 28, 2010

Cat Repellent Spray Successfully Fails Consumer Testing

Seattle, WA

In yet another attempt to keep cats from urinating on freshly planted gardens, new furniture, clothing, and sinks, humans have completed first-round testing on a new brand of cat repellent spray. The spray backfired in routine consumer testing and served instead as an attractant.

There are few sure-fire cat repellents shown thus far to have any usefulness in the Human world. Many different scented formulas have been tried and ultimately failed, leaving humans in a frustrated tizzy.

“I love to pee on the kitchen counter.” said Cornbread, a 4-year-old Domestic Short Hair, neutered male from Sequim. “There is something about it. (The Human) wakes up and goes for that first cuppa joe and wham! They get hit with serious stink. Then they throw me out the door, which is exactly what I want!”

Cornbread favors peeing on the kitchen counter

The new formula, “Bad Kitty” is said to be a mixture of Listerine, pickle juice, crushed lemon Sweet-Tarts, and Mountain Dew. It comes in an 8 ounce and a 16 ounce spray bottle and was invented in a laboratory in Geneva, Switzerland. Sources say that the formula was four years in the making.

Consumers were chosen at random to test the new product for the American market. The results were staggering to scientists. Testing in households with cats who previously peed in sinks and other problem areas reported higher incidences of peeing than ever before.

Testing in control households with cats who never had pee issues reported startling new onsets of random acts of peeing.

"Bad Kitty" is said to come in two base varieties, Listerine, and Lemon-Lime

Many Humans try discipline in these types of situations. They keep a close eye on the cat, and when they see the cat about to go in the sink or bathtub, angrily squirt him (or her) with water from a bottle or squirt gun.

One Human reportedly resorted to using a blast from a boat air horn to deter a cat from peeing in a sink, until he was kicked out of his apartment in a fit of rage by his landlord.

“My owner tried a sour apple spray to keep me from peeing in the sink, and I stopped for a while, too.” said Moses, a 3-year-old, spayed, Tortoise Shell female from Bothell, “This new stuff they got though, it is awesome! The odd smells just made me feel like peeing. I really like peeing in the sink.”

Moses said “I… like peeing in the sink.”

Benjamin, a 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair male from Burien, said the repellent smells so good to him that he actually sits in the bathtub and waits for the urge. “The stuff is like crack.” Benjamin said, “I will actually drink extra water just so I can pee in the tub.”

Most Humans are actually relieved to have a cat pee in the tub or sink, rather than pee on the carpet, bed, or laundry pile. “They really should be thanking us.” said Benjamin, “It is easier to clean the sink than the carpet.”

Regardless, cats everywhere are safe once again due to the abject failure of this latest attempt at manipulation and behavior modification.

Benjamin has become a fan of bathtub peeing

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Seventeen Cats Displaced From Home After Spider Sighting

Mukilteo, WA

Seventeen cats were forced to move from a home in Mukilteo after a spider broke into the home on Sunday evening.

All of the cats were home at the time of the break in, one of whom had to be rescued by firefighters from the roof.

Dame Elenore Clawdia Ryan, a 6-month-old, spayed Domestic Long Hair, was making waffles in the kitchen when a spider with a large billy club burst through the sliding glass door and forced its way into the kitchen.

Dame Elenore was in the kitchen when the suspect broke through a sliding glass door

All the residents have since been safely placed in other homes until the spider is apprehended, according to police.

Police and fire officials are looking into the possibility that stale Cheez-Its found in a bedroom on the second floor attracted the spider.

“It appears to have been a big (spider),“ said police in a telephone interview after searching the home in the afternoon. The investigation is ongoing.

Police immediately taped off the area and began an extensive search for the spider

Cactus, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who is a home invasion expert, said he plans to interview residents before making a final determination about plans to allow the cats back into the home.

The homeowner said Cheez-Its are allowed in the home, but not in bedrooms. A cat who was rescued from a third-floor window by firefighters was taken to the hospital to be treated for hunger and shock, officials said.

The cat, who was not identified, is believed to have been eating Cheez-Its in bed.

One of the residents said they had been told numerous times not to eat crackers in bed

“That seems to be the assumption they’re working under," police said. The Fire Department received multiple calls reporting screams in the home starting at 11:21 a.m.

“With the troubled economy, home invasions are becoming more and more commonplace,’’ said an investigator during a press briefing at the scene.

Police said they believe the spider acted alone and that neighbors should continue to feel safe until further notice or until there is proof otherwise.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Special thanks to Jenny Lee Ryan for pics of her newest kitty - Dame Elenore Clawdia Ryan, and in fond memory of the Lady Isadora

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Local Cat Admits Failure To Press Elevator Button

Edmonds, Wa

An Edmonds cat faces a prison term after admitting in court Friday that he failed to press the “up” arrow indicator on the ground floor where he works, forcing himself and others to wait minutes for the next one.

Whifflepants, a 1-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, told police he failed to push the button because he was “distracted by a coworker, who was standing next to (him) eating an apple fritter in plain sight.”

The incident forced eight cats and one Mongolian Gerbil to endure a three to four minute wait while the elevator returned to the ground floor.

Employees lost precious moments of Facebook and Twitter updates while waiting for the next elevator

It all happened at Edmonds City Hall, where only one elevator is in use. The minutes lost to the delayed workers cost them dearly not in terms of time spent working, but updating Facebook, Twitter posts, and shopping online for things like scarves and neat hats.

Police said Whifflepants walked into the lobby from the restroom at approximately 11:53 a.m. and becoming distracted, failed to properly push the up button.

Soon after, a 7-year-old coworker named Chicklet stood behind him in wait for the elevator with his secretary and others. As his secretary noticed the up button not lit, she ordered him to do so.

Chicklet’s 23-year-old secretary Lois ordered him to push the up button after the grave error was discovered

When Chicklet attempted to press the button, Whifflepants, embarrassed, blocked his way and assaulted him, claiming to have “already pressed it,” according to a jail booking statement. Whifflepants then fled the scene police said.

City Hall surveillance footage recorded a clear image of Whifflepants standing by the elevator, apparently distracted by the fritter, and clearly not pressing any buttons.

After releasing images to the media, investigators received dozens of calls including an anonymous tip that led them to Whifflepants' former employers, who gave them his address. Officers brought him to the station about 5 p.m. that evening.

City Hall representatives said the elevator button “lights up” when pushed, as a fail-safe indicator

After hours of questioning, Whifflepants admitted to failing to press the button. Police said while Whifflepants admitted to the incident, "he didn't really explain anything more about why he failed to push (the button).”

Whifflepants has no known criminal history, and building officials described the alleged misstep as a crime of opportunity.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, June 18, 2010

Local Cat Says He Survived Three Days Trapped In Home With No Ketchup

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat who was trapped in his home for 3 days without ketchup survived on orange juice, toothpaste, and M&Ms, and scrawled a sad farewell note to his parents before neighbors came to check on him.

Police reports state that Gibson, a 6-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold, had become trapped inside his home due to the omnipresence of a “really big dog who wanted to eat me.”

Scared, he stayed inside where he nearly starved to death due to the fact he had unexpectedly run out of ketchup.

Gibson reportedly told police that after baking a tray of french fries for lunch, he hungrily sprinkled seasoning salt on them, went to the cupboard.

Sadly, someone had put the bottle back into the cupboard empty

"I was absolutely devastated," Gibson said. "There was no ketchup, none. The bottle was there, but it was empty. I honestly didn’t know what to do in that type of situation. I was not prepared.”

Ketchup, sometimes called the “king of condiments,” is considered a staple in the diet of many cats. There are millions who say they too, cannot and will not eat things without it.

"I looked through every drawer and cupboard," Gibson said. "I was hoping to find even just one ketchup packet, something, anything I could even add water to, just so I could at least eat my fries."

Neighbor Molly said she “regrets” thinking it was a joke

Gibson, who has reportedly never eaten french fries without ketchup, called his neighbors to share the sad news, hoping to score a bottle or even a stray ketchup packet.

Sadly, none of his neighbors enjoyed ketchup as much as he did and instead, viciously laughed at him, believing him to be joking, leaving him alone in the house with no ketchup whatsoever.

With no options left, he abandoned the fries, but was shocked to discover the only food items left at his immediate disposal were foods he only enjoyed with ketchup.

Without ketchup, Gibson’s fries were discarded into the trash

“All I had was steak, hot dogs, potato chips, eggs, and stuff for grilled cheese sandwiches, which I cannot eat without ketchup,” he stated.

Neighbors who eventually grew concerned after three days passed without seeing him found Gibson in the bathtub wearing only a scarf. He had lost 20 pounds, surviving only on orange juice, toothpaste, water, and a package of M&Ms, police said.

Police found a sad note scribbled in shaky handwriting written by him on the back of a KitKat wrapper to his parents saying goodbye and hoping that the next time they went to the store they remembered to get some ketchup.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Monday, June 14, 2010

Cat Attacked With Stick Of Butter Will Not Press Charges

Everett, WA

A 3-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair from Everett named Ralph is facing second degree assault charges after he attacked a co-worker with a stick of Land ’O Lakes Butter.

Ralph and another cat were demolishing a house in Everett, where they work on construction team when Ralph apparently turned on his co-worker, beating him with the butter.

Ralph is accused of hitting him in the face repeatedly and hitting him a number of times on the back of the head with the blunt, wrapped end of the butter stick.

Luckily, the butter had not been refrigerated

The victim, Chad Michael, is a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair originally from Spanaway.

Ralph told police he wanted to “kill Chad” because Chad was “stealing the nails for the nail gun from his pouch and saving his own.”

Everett Police arrested Ralph on the scene of the construction site at 4:00 pm. He is charged with second degree assault and buttery.

Some felt Ralph might have ‘held a grudge’ towards Chad

Police said Ralph waited until Chad took the next to the last set of nails for the nail gun and then jumped him, pulled him into an adjoining room, and buttered him.

Chad said he tried fighting Ralph to call 911, but Ralph ate his cellular phone. A co-worker sleeping in the next room heard them and woke up, alerting police.

Chad said he had considered Ralph a friend. They had worked together in the past at a business that sells uniforms, police said. Ralph and Chad had an altercation at one time over a girlfriend, leading some to believe Ralph still held a grudge of some sort.

Prudence said employees are “working through…” the incident

Chad is resting comfortably at Harborview Medical Center. The attack has taken an emotional toll on co-workers, who hugged and consoled each other in the parking lot.

"We have counselors on site and we're trying to work through (the incident)," said Prudence, a representative from the company.

“I’m not going to press charges,” said Chad from his hospital bed. “I have known Ralph a long time. Besides, I really don’t think the charges would stick.”

The investigation is ongoing.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Local Dog Says Licking The Carpet Made Him Fat

Edmonds, WA

A local dog admitted today that he believes his habit of compulsively licking the carpet in the home where he lives has made him morbidly obese.

The dog, Hoover, a 3-year-old, neutered, Akita and Yellow Labrador Mix, said he started licking the carpet as a pup, and never stopped.

"I like to lick the carpet," he stated. "I never asked myself why."

Enid admitted she missed the free bubble tea he used to bring home from his job at Teriyaki Town in Lynnwood

Hoover’s wife Enid, a 3-year-old, spayed Scottish Fold, said she noticed him licking the carpet "more often and sometimes the bottom of the toilet" after he was laid off from his job at Teriyaki Town.

"I figured he was depressed, he used to love to take home free bubble tea," she said. "Sadly, I shut my eyes to the problem and now he has health issues."

Hoover said he knew he was in trouble when a Human passing by him mistook him for a wooden plank park bench and sat on him to eat lunch. “That was my lowest day,” he said.

Eric said he feels he is being used as a “scapegoat”

"I was a rice cooker operator until some young kid took the same job for less pay," he said. "Some kid named Eric, a Pygmy Goat, I think it was, that‘s when my problems started."

Hoover admits after losing his job to a high school age Pygmy Goat he began to obsessively and compulsively lick the carpet more than before.

Indeed, Hoover's mother reported that he had "…always had problems with cross-dressing and carpet licking" as a pup.

Hoover said he favored Berber carpet over most other blended fibers

"I never thought licking the carpet was so bad," he said. "I really just believed since it was fat-free it was fine and I could just (lick) all I wanted."

Before he knew it his compulsion had led him to tip the scales at 149 pounds. Some 99 pounds more than his preferred weight.

Doctors warn that simply because an item is said not to contain fat, that does not mean one cannot get fat from eating too much of it.

"You could eat peanut butter for your meal every day, as I like to do," said wife Enid. "But if you go over your daily caloric intake limit it doesn't matter if you're eating broccoli, apparently you'll still get fat."

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Nutritious Food To Be Successfully Phased Out Of Gerbil School Districts

Seattle, WA

The Seattle Unified Gerbil School District is rolling out a new plan this coming school year that will allow all gerbils access to delicious, more junk food-based meals, regardless of their family income level.

The program, started in 1996, currently serves more than 100,000 gerbils per week.

Under the new plan, all gerbils will have access to junk foods via the National School Lunch Program, which subsidizes gerbil schools to help them provide free and reduced meals for students.

In a press conference, the Seattle Unified Gerbil School District announced a new plan to promote unhealthy junk food for all students, regardless of income level

The National Lunch Program must meet certain nutrition standards provided by the federal government to be approved for gerbils, who in the past have taken sharp issue with menus consisting of mostly healthy choices.

Until now, schools in the Seattle Unified Gerbil School District (SUGSD) offered competitive lunch programs consisting of Ding Dongs, Cheez-Its, and donuts, as an alternative to the healthier National School Lunch Program.

Director of Food Systems, Hambone, a 4-year-old Clawed Mongolian Gerbil, said the department is working with the district to eliminate all healthy food programs in all SUGSD schools.

“Let them eat Cheez-Its,” exclaimed Schroedinger, whose role in ousting the healthy food was hailed by many

School officials realized that many low-income gerbils were going hungry rather than accessing the cheaper healthier meals offered through the National Lunch Program and decided to wipe them out for good.

“No one is eating that healthy (food),” said Schroedinger, a 3-year-old Indian Hairy Footed Gerbil. “Why should we even include it?”

Board members and grateful students said Schroedinger’s role in eliminating healthy food was “pivotal.”

Depending on their income level, some gerbils can qualify for free lunches through the national program, but they often opted not to in part because they didn’t want the stigma associated with eating healthy food.

Cats have long supported feeding gerbils junk food, stating it makes them “taste better…”

“We hope this removes any issues that had been blurring the two lines,” said Schroedinger. “We feel it is a social status issue, gerbils want to be seen eating junk food.”

Local cats said they are all in favor of the decision, stating gerbils who eat junk food taste better and don’t leave a bitter aftertaste.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, June 4, 2010

Huge Sale On Bandit Hats To Blame For Area Robberies, Police Say

Seattle, WA

A clearance sale at Wal-Mart is being blamed for the recent rise in burglaries in the greater Seattle area, police said.

Bandit hats, the warm, black, tight-fitting caps with holes in front are super disguises for burglars and are on clearance for $3 each, making it even more affordable to become a burglar.

“Sure, you can burgle without a bandit hat,“ said Jake, a 7-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “But it's harder and you don’t look as cool.”

Once considered a Raccoon-dominated industry, more and more cats are making career moves into the area of burglary

Burglary, theft, donut fraud and forgery have all increased as the economy spirals downwards, according to police department figures.

“In my field, this is super,” said Coco Robicheaux, a 10-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “At Wal-Mart, not only can you get bandit hats, but they sell shotguns too, it is one-stop shopping.”

With the economy as bad as it is thousands of cats are considering a change in their careers, with many making lateral moves towards becoming a burglar.

This cat tried to burgle a home wearing a pumpkin costume, only to be unsuccessfully picked up and petted

Though there is often intense on-the-job pressure from competitors like Raccoons, experts say cats who stick with it can have a successful career in under a year or so.

Some burglars did say in the interests of trying to save money they have tried other, more colorful disguises, but the results were not helpful.

“I bought 20 of (the bandit hats),” said Coco. “I write them off as business expenses at the end of the year, I do okay”

For cat burglars, the cost of the bandit hats can be a super business tax write-off

Concerns over other crimes also intensified after robberies with plastic forks and knives soared by almost a fifth and assaults shot up 10%.

"It is particularly alarming that burglaries are at an all-time high,“ said one investigator. “Someone entered my home recently and stole ketchup packets,” he said.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Dust Bunny Evicted From Home Claims Squatter’s Rights

Lynnwood, WA

A local Dust Bunny is claiming he was targeted after being evicted from the home he occupied since May of 2009.

Eddie, a large, 1-year-old, Fiber and Fur Dust Bunny, was evicted from a split-level home in Lynnwood where he had lived with four cats.

Eddie had moved into the home while working on a contract job as a commercial floor sweeper, but was soon laid off and just started “lazing and drifting around the house.”

Squiggy said his roommate was “weird”

Roommates said Eddie’s behavior became erratic. Eddie allegedly grew despondent after losing his job. Depressed, they said he once hid under a black leather sofa for three weeks straight wearing the same pair of underpants.

“He was odd,” said Squiggy, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “He wouldn’t get up to eat, nothing. He'd just sit in corners just out of reach, moping. Sometimes he just kinda blew from room to room, always sleeping on the floor."

Squiggy described his behavior as odd and even hostile at times saying he would hide under beds and other pieces of furniture, sometimes jumping out and scaring him or others.

Interviewed at a friend’s home, Eddie claimed that his living in the house gave him de facto “squatter’s rights” and that he was targeted

“I didn‘t like him, he never bathed,” said roommate Molly, a 7-year-old, spayed Calico. “He never shaved, smelled bad, and he had hairy underarms.”

On another occasion, he was discovered under the bed of Moses, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, where he had hidden and was caught making scary noises and eating cheese.

“I tried to chase him with our broom and even the vacuum cleaner,” Moses said. “It just didn’t work. It only ran him off to hide under some other piece of furniture.”

Roommate Molly said Eddie had "...hairy underarms"

Sadly, Larry has been evicted for an initial period of three months during which time a possession order will be sought. “I was targeted,” Larry said. “This is because I am a Dust Bunny. This sort of thing would never happen if I were a cat.”

Police secured an eviction order on the Dust Bunny this week, following additional concerns from neighbors about Larry and his visitors.

"Folks need to understand if they make others’ lives a misery through odd or anti-social behavior we will use the full force of the law to deal with them,” an officer stated.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Dust Bunny Photos By Me

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