Thursday, October 29, 2009

Depressed PC Jumps To His Death Over The Threat Of The New iMac


Seattle, WA

On a sad note today a 4-year-old, metal and plastic, Hewlett Packard computer named Herman leapt out a window to his death after a fight with his wife.

The PC had chewed himself free of his Samsung 17" flat screen monitor and printer cables, and after pushing out the window screen in the study where he lived, jumped 2 stories down to his untimely death.

Police investigators interviewed neighbors, who said they heard the couple fighting increasingly often. The death has been officially ruled a suicide.


Wife Betsy said he “flat-out refused” to download the latest Windows updates

According to police, various neighbors reported hearing his wife Betsy, a 5-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, “screaming at him, hitting his keyboard in frustration, and threatening to leave him for a brand new iMac.”

"You could see them fighting through the window of their house…see her goading him on," said another source. "She'd flip out and tell him he was too slow then push his power button on and off, yelling at him and pulling at his mouse. He just sat there, helpless.”

Betsy admitted she regrets the abuse she heaped on him, but stated he had been in poor health of late and had “flat-out refused” to download any new Microsoft Windows updates to improve himself.


Neighbors lament the sad death of the PC, “it’s just wrong” said one

"We got in fights, like, every night," Betsy admitted. "He'd just start moving really slow and then just freeze up and stop responding to me. Once he even called me ‘invalid!’”

"It was so frustrating with him," Betsy continued. "He just got to a point where all he did was give me error messages. It was like he just couldn't do more than one thing at a time."

"It was only a matter of time," said one close family insider on the condition of anonymity. "She was telling everyone how bad his 'performance' was. She said he couldn't go very long without freezing up on her."


Betsy was seen canoodling with this sleek new iMac at the local mall

A local mall employee called police after seeing Betsy's photograph in the paper, saying he had seen her just the week before at the Apple store cavorting with a sexy, young iMac.

"They were all over each other," said the source. "She was gazing into (the iMac's) screen and holding his mouse. She ought to be ashamed!"

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Photo: Katie (as Betsy) Thanks to Debbie Glovatsky
IMac Photo: Courtesy of apple.com

Monday, October 26, 2009

Cats Who Nearly Crashed Airplane Were Shopping Online, NTSB Says


Seattle, WA

Two cat pilots who work for American Airlines have told investigators that they were buying “cute outfits” on their laptops, a clear violation of company policy, while the plane they were piloting nearly crashed into the Rocky Mountains, the National Transportation Safety Board said today.

The pilot, Xango, a 9-year-old, neutered, Siamese Mix, and co-pilot, Slim, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, were both perusing scarves and hats “with ears on them” when they noticed the plane about to crash into the rocky crags, and quickly pulled up.

The cats said in interviews conducted over the weekend that they were not fatigued while shopping online and didn't fall asleep, the board said in a statement.


The flight recorder showed officials every website the cats had visited since takeoff

Instead, Xango told investigators that they both had their laptops out and that he was shopping while the co-pilot, who had more experience with navigation, began mixing drinks and blending strawberry margaritas. The pilots were out of communication with air traffic controllers the whole time.

The flight recorder data reported to the NTSB showed that the cats had been to over 120 different websites, including the Kitty City Gazette, since takeoff.

Aviation safety experts who are investigating the near-crash said it was more plausible that the cats fell asleep during that phase of the flight than that they had become so focused on a silly website that they had actually forgot what they were doing and nearly killed 324 people.


Xango said he’d found “just the right scarf” before having to pull up the plane

Air traffic controllers in Seattle and Denver repeatedly tried without success to raise the cats’ flight by radio. The airline even tried contacting them using a radio message that played “Baby Got Back“ by Sir Mix-a-Lot. No one could get a response from the cats.

Authorities became so alarmed that National Guard jets prepared for takeoff at two locations and the White House Situation Room alerted senior White House officials, who monitored the flight in case it had been hijacked.

"It's inexcusable," former NTSB Chairman Jarrod Wheatly said. "I feel sorry for the cats involved, I know they didn’t get their purchases made in time, but sometimes you lose the internet connection up there."


Xango was sent to his room without dinner after the incident

Both cats told the board they had never had an accident, incident or violation, the board said. After nearly crashing the plane and killing all 324 people on board, Xango was sent to his room without dinner, where he reportedly cried for six hours straight.

The cats acknowledged that while they were engaged in shopping on their laptops they weren't paying attention to radio traffic, messages from their airline or their cockpit instruments, the NTSB said.

The panel ruled that from now on, pilots would not, for a period of time, be able to surf the internet on laptops or buy outfits online unless one of the two were actually flying the plane.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Cat Who Accidentally Farted In Public Shunned By Small Town Employers


Sequim, WA

A cat who accidentally farted while shopping at the local Walgreen’s drugstore claims he is being shunned and discriminated against by townsfolk and potential employers because of the incident.

Finn Riley McBagby, is a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long-Hair Ginger, who lives on Hendrickson Road in the small town of Sequim, population 5,700.

He said he accidentally farted “very loudly” while walking down an aisle at Walgreen’s after picking up a prescription and has been treated with dirty looks and rampant discrimination ever since.


The incident happened at the local Walgreen drugstore

“I didn’t mean to fart out loud, or so loud,” Finn told the Gazette. “It was a huge embarrassing mistake. I tried to muffle it, but it just snuck out. I was just as surprised as anyone else that it happened.”

Finn said after the fart became audible, he quickly said “ouch,” and looking down, quickly scuffed his shoe on the linoleum floor as if to suggest the fart was not really a fart, but the result of some other type of happenstance event like tripping or simply dragging his shoes.

“There were lots of people there that day who heard (the fart),” Finn said. “One cat, a real gossip, she heard it and dropped the box of tampons she was holding. She scowled at me and quickly ran out of the store, probably to tell everyone she knew what I’d done.”


Finn says he “regrets” the unfortunate farting incident

Finn, who lost his job at the Pizza Factory in early September, claims to have since applied for more than 30 jobs and registered his resume with countless temporary agencies since the fart incident, and has not received any response.

Finn said he is now convinced that he is being discriminated against for farting so loudly in public and claimed one recruitment agency said it would not be able to find him a job because "their clients wouldn't like it.”

Finn said, "I think employers feel uneasy about taking me on. A lot of people see my face and all they can think of is that one fart. I get funny looks from people everywhere I shop now. It’s like they all know and expect me to do it again.”


Spokescat Barbarella is now dedicated to helping young Finn

A spokescat for the charity ‘Silencing the Stigma,’ which supports cats who have farted in public places, said today, "If employers are unfamiliar with farting in public, they can, on some unconscious level, make an unfair judgement about someone based on their past, unfortunate farts.” The cat, a 12-year-old, spayed Manx named Barbarella, said she would gladly represent Finn and help him find a job within the greater Sequim or Port Angeles area.

Many cats think that public gas/farting discrimination legislation was first introduced in the mid-1990s. However, the fact is that such laws have been in force for more than 60 years to protect their rights and keep them from becoming victims of a society determined to shut them out or humiliate them.

Before 1995, the legislation dealing with the employment of cats who have farted in public consisted of the Fart Act of 1944 and the Accidental Fart Doctrine of 1945. These statutory provisions introduced a quota system whereby employers with 20 or more employees had to ensure that at least 1% of their workforce were registered as having farted in public.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Barbarella Photo: Thanks to Mary Ann Browning

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Lemon Law Protects Consumers From Defective Kittens


Seattle, WA

Hundreds of consumers are thankful today for a law protecting their rights after they adopted kittens they claim are now “malfunctioning” and “defective.” Complaints range from sudden, erratic bursts of acceleration to outright breakdowns and exhaust failure.

"I felt so smug for a while," said Chessie, a 4-year-old, spayed Tortoise Shell of her new kitten Rutherford. "Especially being in Seattle, I felt like one of the ‘in crowd’ to have a mixed-race kitten."

The kitten had a "cute little body" that Chessie loved, and she reveled in playing around like a "new mom," watching the energy-usage display on the kitten’s center console. She just never expected maintenance issues with such a new kitten.


This terrifying kitten reportedly ate an entire poodle in just a half-hour

She recalled a rainy evening when she was out for a walk when suddenly she felt the kitten hydroplaning out of control, and when she glanced at the speedometer she realized the kitty had shot up to 90 mph.

She reported to the Gazette that she pushed on the brakes, but they were dead. Then just as suddenly as the kitten had taken off, it shut down, leaving her stuck out in the rain on a cold night.

The company that produced the kittens claimed they were “low mileage” and “gently used,” citing volumes of complex technology that went into manufacturing them.


Young Rutherford, above, reportedly accelerated and stalled while out on a walk one rainy night

“Sometimes the kittens will accelerate on their own,” said a lawyer representing one adoptive family in a statement. “Sometimes they unexpectedly stop dead. Users of the kittens have discovered they can be an unexpected adventure.”

“I brought that thing home and the first thing it did was eat my mother-in-law’s poodle,” said Rambo, a 5-year-old, neutered, Manx from Bellevue. “That little thing got me into a lot of trouble and I want some answers.”

One sad parent recounts a story in which she was sitting, petting her new kitten, when suddenly, “…it took off in a sudden burst of acceleration, veered madly to the left, went screaming down two flights of stairs and into the laundry room wall, where it left a huge dent.”


Dexter reportedly stalled and stopped multiple times

“When I got my new Dexter home, I could tell there was something wrong,” said Mary-Jane, a 3-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “He’d get up and try to run and then just suddenly stall out and fall asleep.”

“I don’t know what was wrong with mine, but the exhaust from that thing was abhorrent,” said Bilko, a 6-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who adopted a kitten with his domestic partner. “I took him to the muffler shop but they said if I did anything to him it would void the warranty.”

Angry consumers are encouraged to file a claim. Before you attempt to claim a refund or replacement under Lemon Laws, you must give written notice by certified mail to the manufacturer and its dealer or repairing agent.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Local Bats Angered At Racial Slur

Forks, WA An attorney defending three local kittens in a robbery case apologized yesterday for saying his clients' behavior regarding...