Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Owner Of Missing Donut Says He Suspects Best Friend

Edmonds, WA

The owner of a day-old, Powdered Sugar Cake Donut missing for more than four hours told a judge he believes his roommate and best friend is involved in the disappearance, according to court documents released today.

The owner of the donut, Chesty, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, told investigators that the suspect was in the kitchen near the area where the donut was sleeping on the counter just before its disappearance.

The initial decision to question the suspect, whose name has been withheld, was based on information provided to law enforcement including his weight and eating habits.

Police said they fear the worst possible outlook for the young donut, who friends described as " a sweet person with a terrific outlook"

Chesty said he entered the kitchen around noon to find the pink bakery box pried open and the donut missing. He immediately grew worried and called police.

He said he brought the donut home on Sunday morning along with 12 others, whom he ate that day.

Before the donut’s disappearance Chesty said his relationship with the suspect was "a clean slate, as far as I can tell."

Neighbor Barb said the suspect “is fat, so I think maybe he ate it.”

Court documents appeared to confirm a report by a neighbor with allegations the suspect was seen wandering around a playground that afternoon “playing with little children with powdered sugar caught in his beard.”

“(The suspect) was smiling and carrying on as if nothing was wrong,” said neighbor Barb, a 5-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair. “He was completely oblivious to the powdered sugar on his chin.”

Another neighbor said today at a news conference that she remembered (the suspect) was once a member of the notorious cult Weight Watchers. "I've known him a long time," she said. "There’s a hole in this story somewhere, I know he's lying."

Police visited the donut’s previous home and questioned relatives in the hope he’d escaped and somehow made contact with them

Police are hoping to find the donut, but also are pursuing the possibility that the donut may have escaped on its own. They distributed fliers asking for information on his whereabouts hours after it vanished.

A call to the suspect’s lawyer was not immediately returned today.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Jobs For Beavers Hit All-Time Low, Study Finds

Edmonds, WA

Chick, a 15-year-old, North American Beaver, had just given birth to her second child. She was 2 weeks back from maternity leave at her dam when she was called into a supervisor’s office.

"I’m sorry, but you need to be looking for other employment," her manager told her.

Chick worked as a lineman, scaling telephone poles for Verizon. She suddenly found herself coping with the grief of being unemployed after yet another customer reported having seen her chewing down the giant wooden telephone poles she worked on. Twelve months later, she's still out of work.

Southern Yellow Pine is the most widely used and delicious species in the United States

"It's a vicious cycle for a beaver," Chick said. “It was hard to climb tree poles all day and not chew down at least a few.”

Most utility poles are made of wood. Southern Yellow Pine is the most widely used and delicious species in the United States. Other varieties include Douglas Fir, Jack Pine, Lodgepole Pine, Western Red Cedar, and Pacific Silver Fur.

Chick is not alone. She is among the 21.5 percent of unemployed beavers, almost twice the rate of unemployment for cats. The figure was included in a new report released today on the state of beavers by the National Urban League.

Harold once owned a prosperous landscaping business

In addition, beaver-owned businesses have reported major third quarter losses. They represent a paltry 5% of privately owned companies and the study said more are needed to help spur job growth in beaver communities.

“I owned a landscape business, I used to do pretty well,” said Harold, a 12-year-old North American Beaver. Harold did admit that his beaver instincts have caused him to lose more than a few jobs.

“I remember once working on an infinity pool for a cat,” Harold recounted. “Before I knew it I had cleared the woods and dammed up her pool, (the owner) was not happy.”

Harold said “before he knew it” he’d cleared the woods and dammed up a client's pool

Harold said he tried taking a job at Office Depot, but was fired after only a week for constantly sharpening and eating pencils. "They taste good," he said.

The report presented other sobering statistics on the difficulties of keeping a job as a beaver. Beavers said they face racial discrimination and are looked at as a minority due to their “semi-aquatic” and “primarily nocturnal” status.

The report also said the beavers’ near-constant harvesting of trees and flooding of waterways interfered with job duties.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, August 27, 2010

Agents Allowed To Put GPS Trackers On Cats, Kittens, Court Says

Seattle, WA

According to a recent federal appeals court ruling, law enforcement officers may now secretly place GPS devices on cats and kittens without first seeking a warrant from a judge.

In January 2010, DEA agents secretly attached a GPS device to a 10-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair named Juanita, whom they suspected of rampant apple fritter eating, according to court papers.

When Juanita was arrested and charged, evidence used against her included GPS data showing precisely which bakeries she had been visiting and how many fritters she ate, including the longitude and latitude of where the bakeries were located and how long she stayed there.

Apple fritters (also known as fritts, smack, app, and crystal-app) are a sometimes lethal form of donut

Prosecutors assert she had traveled several times a day to remote suburban strip mall donut shop locations, where agents later discovered “stack upon stack” of empty pink bakery boxes.

Juanita eventually pled guilty to conspiracy to hoard apple fritters, and is serving a 2-year sentence. Her lawyer has since appealed on the grounds that secretly tracking a cat violates a cat’s “reasonable expectation” of privacy.

DEA agents say they are not worried and applaud the federal court decision, spouting data showing the dangers of apple fritters and prosecutions on a steady uphill climb.

This cat was stunned and frightened when he learned the exact location of where the small, oblong GPS unit was to be inserted

Eating an apple fritter produces a short burst of icing-induced energy which mimics adrenaline, a natural stress hormone made by the body. Users say the “high” they get from an apple fritter can last 6 to 8 hours or longer.

“That icing is so good,” said one cat on condition of anonymity. “Once you have an (apple fritter) you are hooked and soon need another.” Doctors report a positive correlation between apple fritter users and paper towel and sock eating.

Bakery employees say increased taste technology in their industry has allowed the potency of apple fritters to increase by 175 percent, leading to increased apple fritter consumption and demand.

Doctors report a positive correlation between apple fritter users and paper towel and sock eating

From 1992 to 2009, there has been a 492.1 percent increase in the proportion of rehab treatment admissions for cats under age 8 where clinical diagnosis was reported as apple fritter abuse or dependence.

Agents used this and other data to plead with federal judges for the use of GPS to aid in apple fritter investigations and won. Time will tell whether privacy rights overrule the decision, but for now DEA agents are hard at work in the War on Donuts.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Monday, August 23, 2010

Cat Who Threw Apple Core In Toilet Nearly Drowns In Deluge

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat today told how he watched his three best friends being nearly swept to their deaths after a flash flood emanated from a toilet he had clogged up with an apple core.

Meatball, a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, scrambled off the seat of a brown leather sofa as it was carried away by a surge of water from the upstairs toilet.

Meatball said he had been upstairs using the bathroom, feeling cocky and not wanting to smell up the bathroom garbage can, he said he just "flung" the apple core into the toilet.

An apple core lodged in the plumbing caused the violent flooding

Duncan, Frankie, and Lukas, all 3-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair brothers, were swept away in the deluge as they sat in the living room. The friends were gathered together watching ’Desperate Housewives’ when a drip they had reportedly heard earlier suddenly became a “huge tsunami-like wave” and suddenly burst into an two-mile-wide river.

Within a few minutes, the water pouring over the top of the toilet was so high it had washed through the house and over a small bridge on the road to Meatball’s home. Cars that had been parked nearby had been lifted by the tsunami-like waves and carried down the street

“Whole trees went by us,” said Duncan, who was found three hours later some 67 feet up in a fir tree clutching an apple fritter and shaking. “It was terrifying.”

The three brothers are now resting dry and comfortably

"I think the sofa rolled over a few times with the force of the toilet water before it finally smashed through the front wall of the house,” said Duncan. “I was clutching the sofa cushions, but finally was thrown off.”

"I saw Lukas holding onto the drapes as I was pushed out by the water,” said Meatball. “He was saying, ‘oh, shit.’ I heard Duncan laughing and Lukas yelling.

Meatball, described by relatives as shy and responsible, was reportedly in a hurry when he decided to just “toss the apple in.” It appears he simply misjudged the capacity of the plumbing, which had never failed him before.

The clogged toilet eventually flooded the entire Lynnwood area

All 4 cats are being treated for minor injuries at Stevens Hospital and are expected to be released without incident.

Amid the threat of worse flooding and fast-moving water in many parts of the neighborhood, Lynnwood Police warned cats to stay away from the now toilet-flooded sections and any areas where water is being diverted by culverts and drainage ditches.

During Lynnwood's "Flood of the Century" in 1985, Ramona the Pest, a 7-year-old, spayed, Tortoise Shell was killed when she was overtaken by water flowing from a wild, unchecked drinking fountain.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Local Cat Blames His Gerbil For Kitty Porn Downloads

Seattle, WA

A Seattle cat accused of downloading photos of cute, cuddly young kittens is blaming his pet gerbil to be cleared of the horrible crime.

Bandit, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair was charged Wednesday night with more than 34 counts of possession of cute kitten pictures, a Class 3 felony, after detectives found more than 2,300 full-color images of fluffy, young, Scottish Folds, Abyssinians, and Tabbies on his personal computer, laptop, and iPhone.

Bandit firmly alleges that he had “no knowledge whatsoever” of the scandalous pictures and instead says his pet Reggie, a 1-year-old Mongolian Gerbil, was behind the illegal downloads.

This Mongolian Gerbil named Reggie is being blamed for the illegal downloads

Bandit told police he shares a home with the gerbil in a Ballard neighborhood and believes the gerbil frequently accessed the computer while he was in the bathroom showering and also while he was asleep.

He stated that as far as he knew, the gerbil didn’t know how to type, but once when he had been downloading music and left the room, he returned and noticed the gerbil typing frantically on the keyboard and looking “red-faced.”

Bandit said he’d seen the gerbil gazing adoringly at kittens in the past

Bandit also stated that on several occasions he came back from the store and found his computer on after he was certain he had shut it down.

Bandit, in the hopes of clearing his name, gave police officers verbal consent to enter the home the two shared.

Officers found hidden boxes of full color pull-out cat and kitten calendar photos, stacks of pirated Cat Show DVDs, and other digital media showing young cats and kittens, some curled up in sleeping positions, some dressed up in silly outfits or posing with ripe watermelons.

“This cat had a lifetime collection of kitty porn,” Officer Barbado, a 13-year-old, Domestic Short Hair said. “There is no doubt that these kitten photos were obtained illegally. (The kittens) all looked to be between 4-to-6-months old, and some were even younger. To try and blame this crime on a gerbil is laughable, at best.”

Police found more than 2,300 full-color images of young, cuddly kittens

Police said kittens from the town were questioned and said they had never been accosted by Bandit, and police officials said neither Bandit nor the gerbil had any previous offenses.

Some of the images discovered appear to be original photographs, but it is still unclear exactly who took the pictures or how exactly a gerbil could even hold a camera to have taken them, reports said.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Serious Banana Crème Pie Shortage Now Looming, Scientists Say

Seattle, WA

Diners and bistros everywhere may be facing dire menu updates if researchers are correct that banana crème pie populations are in decline.

North American Banana Crème Pies are an indigenous species native to buffet restaurants, casinos and diners in suburban parts of the U.S.

Most crème pies claim origins circa the 1700’s and have sub-species including chocolate, vanilla, lime, coconut, and peanut butter.

Paul, who spearheaded the study, is a life-long fan of banana crème and is a creme pie conservationist

Banana crème pies grew wealthy in the late 70’s and had low rates of unemployment up until the health food fads of the 2000s, when emphasis on “carb-counting” naturally selected them for decline.

“This is natural selection at work,” said Paul, the 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair who spearheaded the study. “These days cats are opting for healthier desserts and the (crème pies) just can’t adapt.”

As a result, thousands of banana crème pies die helplessly every day in their shiny, glass cases as they are passed over for healthier dessert options.

Untold numbers of banana crème pies are left to die right in their own homes

Out of 18 banana crème pie populations in the Everett-Lynnwood area 14 have plummeted and have not bounced back.

No strangers to struggle, banana crème pies had to fight various attempts by brownies, éclairs and even crème puffs over the years to control their dominance in diner culture.

Checking for trends in the banana crème pie population can be very difficult because banana crème pies are notoriously hard to count. “Being sneaky is pie-like behavior,” Paul said.

Andy joined the scientists last year in their search for answers in the widespread decline in banana crème pie population

“Losing banana crème pies can upset they way ecosystems work,” explained Andy, a 2-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “Banana crème pies often ranked as top diner desserts, but now cats are passing on them for a number of reasons.”

No data were given on state-wide pie population, but Andy noted worrisome indicators coming from diners operating in Yakima and Wenatchee.

“Some (banana crème) pie populations seem to be doing well,” he continued. “But overall the trend is alarming. The pies are on in a straight-line decline.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, August 13, 2010

Brain Scans May Reveal Early Acorn Addiction, Study Finds

Seattle, WA

Squirrels with a family history of acorn addiction have clumps of a specific protein in their brains that acts as a detector to those prone to become addicts themselves later in life, University of Washington researchers said Thursday.

Current treatments cannot reverse the course of acorn addiction, a mind-robbing form of dementia that affects more than 26 million squirrels globally.

Findings could lead to new ways for potential employers to identify which squirrels would be most likely to develop an acorn addiction, which could prove useful to employers hoping to “weed out” potential problem employees.

Lump heads a human resources development team currently studying addiction behavior in squirrels

"The hope is to one day be able to detect an acorn addiction in an employee before any symptoms occur, so we don‘t get in trouble for firing them later on,“ said Lupus, a 5-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair.

The team wants to continue to follow the squirrels used in the study to see whether they develop acorn addictions and plan to replicate the findings in a much larger study.

“Anyone who has ever worked with a squirrel knows that if they have (an acorn) addiction) they become preoccupied,” said Tubby, a 9-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold who is a human resources director. “It’s very disruptive to the workplace if someone is constantly burying and digging up acorns all day.”

“It’s very disruptive to the workplace if someone is constantly burying and digging up acorns all day” employers say

Researchers say teams are working on ways to detect early-stage acorn, and even peanut addiction, in the hopes of developing drugs that can fight it before it causes excessive damage to impulse control.

“A squirrel who has an acorn addiction cannot hold down a job,” said one researcher. “They are not capable of following their own train of thought, are known to steal office supplies, and often call in sick.”

The team imaged the brains of 50 squirrels with an average age of 6, all with healthy functions. Of these, 49 squirrels had mothers who were addicted to acorns. 49had fathers with the disease, and 1 had parents with healthy brain function.

“A squirrel with an acorn problem is a danger to others” researchers say

Brain scans of all 50 showed that those whose parents were acorn addicts were more likely to have the specific plaques in their brains, indicating a near-certain future of acorn addiction for them.

The finding confirms other studies that suggest having oak trees in their yards may also be a risk factor.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Additional Airports To Get Hot Nacho Cheese Pumps, Feds Say

Seattle, WA

The federal government is set to deploy new stainless steel nacho cheese pump dispensers to over 35 airports across the United States beginning this week according to a press release.

Nacho cheese pump dispensers already are in use at some airports as a way of keeping cheese consistently hot and smooth for nacho preparation, according the Department of Homeland Security.

Under existing protocols, hot cheese is optional at airport snack bars when ordering nachos. Travelers who decline hot cheese are given a side of jalapeño peppers and are then funneled to a location where they may be given a security screening or pat down to search for explosives.

Feds say the new stainless steel three quart capacity pumps serve cheese consistently and smoothly

The TSA said most cats prefer a nice pat down to a body scan. Others have objected to the body scans, calling them electronic strip searches.

Privacy for those who do not want cheese is maintained during the scanning process by blurring images, deleting images after they are viewed, and placing the screener viewing the images in a remote location, according to DHS officials.

“If you don’t like hot cheese on your chips, that’s your business,” said a TSA staffer. “All data and images collected during routine searches will be kept confidential.”

Frasier, who travels often for business, is very excited about the new cheese dispensers

The new sanitary stainless steel pump has a three quart capacity and disassembles for easy cleaning. The Transportation Security Administration said they expect to deploy some 450 new units to snack bars by the end of 2010.

"By streamlining the delivery of hot cheese, we are enhancing our capability to serve and satisfy those want hot nachos at airports across the nation," said one official.

“Nobody likes cold nacho cheese,” said Frasier, a 12-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “I travel often and believe me, consistency in nachos is huge for me. I’m happy about (the new machines).”

This snack bar is said to be receiving one of the first new nacho cheese dispensers on the east coast

The first of the new units are being installed Friday at a snack bar in Seattle's Sea-Tac International Airport, which also sells hot pretzels, corn dogs, and sno-cones, according to a DHS statement.

“The new pump will catch customers’ eyes and put the irresistible smell and lure of nachos front and center in their mind,” said a DHS staffer. “Travelers will be happy and satisfied. Also, the cheese will be neatly dispensed, saving vendors time and money."

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, August 6, 2010

Local Cat Says He Is Finally Free From A Life Of Static Cling

Edmonds, WA

A local cat today has come forward to open up about his lifelong battle with static cling.

Chippy, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, said he has been fighting a battle both “public and private” with static cling that began the first time he decided to wash his clothes.

“I remember I took my fleece jacket out of the dryer and it just stuck to me,” said Chippy. “At first I thought it was funny and stuck socks all over myself. But (the static) never went away.”

Chippy said Target was where he encountered the worst static shocks

Chippy said eventually he and his clothing became so static-ridden that he began to received life-altering shocks when touching certain objects in stores that left him with a stutter so bad he could no longer sing ABBA songs in the shower.

“Target, I couldn’t go into Target,” Chippy recounted. “I got bad shocks every time I went near a metal display rack. Other stores too, but Target was the worst.”

Chippy said he would sit in the parking lot for hours sweating and debating whether or not to risk the shocks to go buy his peanut butter.

Chippy said he would “beg and pray” for the static to go away

“I didn’t ask for this,” Chippy said. “I was plagued by static cling. Often times I’d be at a party and realize my underpants were riding up (my butt), it was horrifying.”

Chippy reportedly attended more than 4 support groups for survivors of and cats currently living with static cling before a group of close friends staged an intervention and presented him with a can of Static Guard.

Chippy said everywhere he went items flew off the shelves and stuck to his body. "It became very embarrassing," he said.

Chippy said it is easy to use on skirts, dresses, and lingerie, and prevents static cling all day.

“All of a sudden I was free,” Chippy said, choked up at the fond memory. “I thought I would have to spend the rest of my life that way, I honestly had no idea there was a cure.”

Today, there are over 44,000 cats in treatment for problems stemming from static cling issues at any given time.
Some seek treatment for a minimum of three months; others end up staying longer, depending on their recovery.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

1 Donut Dead In Street Fight Outside Local Bakery

Edmonds, WA

A Powdered-Sugar-Coated-Raspberry-Jelly-Filled Donut named Jack was killed today outside the bakery where he had lived for more than 9 hours. Two others were injured in the skirmish.

The fight started in the bakery area of a Safeway store after one cat allegedly grabbed another cat’s donut and ended outside with the donut being run over by a truck, according to police.

An apple fritter, who did not want to be identified, overheard the argument that sparked the fight said the two cats were fighting over the last maple bar.

Witnesses said Speedbump was “adamant and sincere” about his claim to the last maple bar

After the fight, a 7-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair named Speedbump got into a white Ford F-150 pickup and ran over the donut of the cat with whom he had fought, before driving away, police said.

Witnesses noted the vehicle description and license plate number.

The donut suffered massive cranial injuries and was bleeding, but was alert and still breathing when police arrived.

This apple fritter said he saw the altercation from the shelf where he lived

The other cat involved in the fight, Noodles, a 4-year-old Domestic Short Hair, appeared "very intoxicated" and had maple bar-type icing smeared on his mouth and head, wounds that resulted from the fight, according to police.

Noodles was taken by ambulance to a local hospital where he was treated for non-life threatening injuries and given another donut, police said.

Witnesses said the cats suddenly started fighting. "Next thing I know, that donut was laying flat on the street," a witness said, adding that the donut was bleeding from his head.

This cat saw the donut smashed on the ground “It was sad…” he said

More than five police cars and an ambulance responded to the incident.

Paramedics at the scene stated they tried to put the jelly back into the donut, but were unsuccessful and it died at the scene.

Speedbump was arrested at his home about an hour after the fight on charges of assault and battery on a donut, one count of assault and battery with a motor vehicle, leaving the scene of a personal injury accident, and murder in the second degree.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Pugs More Likely To Plead Guilty To Crimes They Didn't Commit

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