Monday, July 24, 2017

Cat Placed On National Organ Transplant Waiting List Receives Baby Grand Piano Instead


Sequim, WA

A local cat is alive and in good spirits today after hoping for and receiving an organ transplant that changed her life forever.

Early this month, Tyber, a 12-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, came down with what she thought was the flu. Tyber had never thought much about organ donation.

That changed instantly the afternoon she passed out playing the organ in her home. When she awoke in the hospital, doctors told her she had been put on the National Organ Transplant Waiting List. Her organ had fallen apart, with her playing it, and failed.


This Hammond organ died while Tyber was playing Bach

The organ, a Hammond T-200, was bought used from a social club in the early 1980s. Tyber said she would like to replace the organ, but had recently lost her job and could not afford to buy a new one.

On an average day, about 77 cats receive organ, piano, and sometimes even synthesizer transplants from other cats who either quit taking lessons and want to be rid of the organ, are moving and cannot take the instrument, or are getting a divorce.

Tyber said, “The doctor said the amp blew out, one pedal fell completely off, and then it just died. I woke up in the hospital."

She told the Gazette she had been taking piano and organ lessons since she was a kitten, paid for by her mother, and immediately felt the loss. “I was very depressed,” she said. “I wasn’t sure how to go on without it. Music has been a part of who I am for as long as I can remember.”


Tyber is now relaxed and relieved that she has received her organ transplant

Tyber said she signed up immediately for an organ transplant. “Piano, organ, it didn’t matter to me at that point, I'd have taken anything I could get,” she stated.

Nearly 150,000 cats are on the National Organ Transplant Waiting List waiting for a viable organ or piano.

Thousands never get the call from a transplant center saying a suitable donor organ or piano has been found, and sometimes the old model is just left to die, alone, unplayable, in the living room.


After only 2 weeks on the National list, Tyber received this Baby Grand, which became available due to a nasty divorce

"I had been on the donor list all of two weeks when the doctor gave me the news they found me a baby grand piano," Tyber said, "It isn‘t an organ, but it‘s close enough."

If you or someone you know has an organ, piano, synthesizer, or even a drum machine that they are not utilizing, please consider the many benefits of organ donation. "It was a miracle, to be honest with you," Tyber happily said while playing her donated Yamaha GB1K Baby Grand Piano at her home in Sequim. “Music is my life."

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Unruly Pugs May Actually Have Mental Disorder, Cats Say


Sequim, WA

When pugs behave badly, it is easy to blame their human, but sometimes such behavior may be due to a mental disorder. Mental illnesses are the leading cause of canine medical disability in pugs ages six months and older in the United States and Canada, according to the World Health Organization.

"One reason we haven't made greater progress helping pugs recover from mental disorders is that we just don’t care," said Cassandra, a 16-year-old Domestic Short Hair, who is a doctor and co-director of the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and a featured speaker at the Pediatric and Adult Pug Center for Academic Studies’ (PAPCAS) annual meeting in Edmonds.

Cassandra discussed her research, specifically detecting signs of mental illness in pugs and the importance of early diagnosis in her presentation on Saturday before a panel of 125 cats at the town hall in Seqim.


“(Pugs) act crazy…Plus, they are really funny looking” Cassandra also said

“These pugs lick their own (genitals) and they seem to really, really enjoy it,” she said, “I think it is nasty, but that is one place to start.” If treated, doctors usually can detect mental disorders early and ensure pugs are properly incarcerated and drugged as soon as possible.

While questionnaires currently are the best way for doctors to screen pugs for mental illness, obvious signs, like playing with dolls, converting suddenly to Kabbalah, knitting multi-colored scarves, and running around the streets in their underpants can be a more accurate indicator of illness.

“(Dogs in general) are stupid,” Cassandra said, “But that alone is not a qualifier of a mental illness. However, the simple fact that they obey humans can be enough to qualify them as severely deficient.”


Just one glance at this pug suggests a possible underlying psychosis

Cassandra said she hopes separating mentally ill pugs from pugs who are just stupid will help doctors diagnose properly and produce better outcomes for the medical community as a whole.

“Have you ever entered a room and forgot why you came in?” Cassandra continued, “That is how pugs spend their whole lives. They are clearly lost.”

Cassandra said further study is needed and that she will continue her research this fall in the Seattle area.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Study Finds Elderly Geckos At Greater Risk For Falls Than Younger Geckos

Sequim, WA

A new study examines for the first time the limits of elderly geckos' gripping ability and fall rate in skilled nursing facilities. Geckos, who are known for their excellent window-cleaning skills, love to climb vertically up trees, walls and even windows, thanks to the pads on the digits of their feet that employ a large number of tiny bristles and hooks.

Scientists wanted to know more about the rate of fall injury in elderly geckos as it compares to younger geckos. This, in an effort to help prevent falls from occurring in skilled nursing facilities where elderly geckos are at a very serious risk.

Scientists have long marveled at the gecko's adhesive capabilities, which have been described as 100 times more than what is needed to support their body weight.

Accidents at bedtime present a huge issue to the elderly gecko, including fractures, the majority of which are caused by falls. A recently completed study showed that 70 year-old geckos are at greater risk of falling compared to younger geckos. The higher risk among the elderly can be attributed to variability in gait when multitasking.

The study, published in JAGA (Journal of the American Gecko Association), was conducted at Gekkota University, in Hawaii. Study participants performed three challenging gait tasks: walking up a wall normally at a preferred pace, walking up a wall as rapidly as possible while maintaining control, then skateboarding back down, and walking up a wall at a self-selected pace while wearing a hat shaped like a raspberry.

This study found there was an approximately 88% greater risk of incident falls in the elderly geckos, an alarming rate, much higher than was expected.

Wearing the raspberry hat required extra balance and concentration, and also added a bit of elegant flair

The greatest risk was associated with increased gait variability, predominately during dual-task assignments, like going to a store to purchase an item and then returning it, while donning a raspberry hat and riding a skateboard.

Increased gait variability was seen in both fallers and non-fallers, suggesting that this variability in elderly geckos during multi-tasking may contribute to their increased risk of falls, and thereby, to their known greater risks of life-threatening fractures.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Sudden Loss Of Microwave Leaves Local Cat Grief Stricken, Devastated


Sequim, WA

Evelyn, a 7-year-old, spayed Domestic Long Hair, whose microwave broke at the end of summer, said she finds life without it “difficult and uncertain” and says she has been devastated by the loss.

Evelyn told the Gazette her microwave, a 10-year-old General Electric Wall Mounted Unit named Jeff, made a funny smell one evening and “just quit” on her.

At first she blamed herself for the microwave’s misbehavior, but later said she could find no catalyst for the event. Without the microwave Evelyn said it takes a grueling 3-4 minutes or more to heat water for her cocoa.


You don‘t really ever know when something is going to be ready” Evelyn said

“After 10 years together he became belligerent, and suddenly refused to do what I asked,” she said of the microwave she’d shared a home with since buying the house back in 2000. “At first I was mad at him, then I realized he was dead.”

Asked in an interview whether she missed being able to easily re-heat coffee, leftovers or make microwave popcorn at will over the past months, Evelyn was unequivocal.

”I do (miss it), and it’s been a difficult time,” she said. “It’s a hardship. If I want something to eat I actually have to cook.”


Friends said making nachos at Evelyn’s home now takes “far too long”

“You don’t realize how easy your life is when you have a microwave, you take them for granted,” Evelyn said. “Everything is ready to eat in just a few minutes, but cooking without those certainties is terrifying.”

Friends of the microwave said before he died he’d told them he had “had enough” of Evelyn’s controlling behavior. He told friends he felt stuck in their relationship and was “tired of her pushing his buttons” all the time.

In her grief, Evelyn said she finds the inability to calculate exactly how long it takes to heat water up “terrifying” even when it comes to something as simple as making condensed tomato soup from a can.


"I can't even imagine having to actually use a stove" said one concerned neighbor

“I’ve got a wonderful community of people who are praying for me every day,” she said. “They call and offer to heat me up a burrito, but it’s not the same as having your own microwave,” she said.

Evelyn said she was unaware of the depth of Jeff’s feelings but did say at one point when he began routinely burning her microwave popcorn she’d offered to go to marriage and family therapy but said he refused to leave his spot over the stove.

Evelyn said she had “not yet” decided upon a make and model regarding a new microwave, but she did say she would possibly start looking at ads on craigslist, where many of her single friends had luck meeting appliances before.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Healthy, Organic Food Linked To Risk Of Weight Gain, Heart Disease, Anger, Reduced Fun And More, New Study Claims

Sequim, WA

Healthy, organic, and fresh foods, may be associated with increased risk of obesity, diabetes, depression, reduced fun, high blood pressure, and heart disease, according to a new study published in JAMA (Journal of the American Medical Association).

Consumption of "healthy food," such as kale, Swiss chard, spinach, sweet potatoes, and broccoli, is a widespread trend promoted in stores like Whole Foods, PCC, and other small "healthy" pet stores, and demand by humans is increasing.

Emerging data indicates that these organic, healthy, BPA-free, sugar-free, HFCS-free, no artificial-colors-added, no artificial sweeteners-added, antibiotic-free, grass-fed, free-range, non-processed, no-fun, gluten-free, NON-GMO, taste-free, and raw foods, may have negative effects on cats, also causing widespread barfing, depression, reduced bathing, reduced nap-taking, and boredom, a major disruption in their normal lives.

This participant was arrested for tagging a local DMV and breaking a window, while actively eating healthy foods

To better understand whether consuming healthy food is associated with negative long-term effects on weight and heart disease, researchers from the University of Washington conducted a systematic review of 37 studies that followed over 400,000 cats for an average of 10 years. All 37 of these studies were randomized controlled trials (the gold standard in clinical research), involving 1003 cats followed for 6 months on average.

The trials showed a consistent effect of healthy foods on depression, and the longer observational studies showed a link between consumption of healthy foods and relatively higher risks of rampant manic depression, string-addiction, anger issues, peanut butter binge-eating, massive amounts of farting, episodes of random spray-painting, decreased levels of fun, and other health issues.

"Due to observed, widespread depression, caution is warranted when eating a healthy diet," Dr. McCatface stated.

"Despite the fact that millions of cats routinely are fed healthy diets, relatively few of them are happy about it, and crave junk," said author Catty McCatface, an 11-year-old, Domestic Short Hair, who is also the Assistant Professor who headed the study.

"We found that data from clinical trials do not clearly support the intended benefits of eating healthy food, and that kale, it just tastes nasty (sic)," McCatface added.

"Given the widespread and increasing use of healthy foods, and the current epidemic of obesity, lacking fun in life, and related diseases, no more research is needed. Immediate daily dietary supplementation with donuts, donut holes, malted-milk balls, Cool-Whip, Whoopie Pies, and ice cream sundaes, is so far the only proven way we have found to reverse this," said McCatface.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Monday, July 17, 2017

Local Cat Says He Lived In Fear After Farting In Crowded Elevator


Sequim, WA

A local cat and father of three admitted today that he has been living in fear ever since he farted in a crowded elevator.

Willie, a 3-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, had recently eaten a shredded, spicy pork and bean burrito at Taco Del Mar when he entered the crowded elevator to return to work.

“All of I sudden, I knew I was (going to fart)," Willie said. "I was scared. There were many cats in the elevator, it was packed,” Willie remembers. “It was hot and it seemed like the buttons for every floor had been pushed.

Willie said he did the best he could to keep (the fart) from escaping. He said he clenched his teeth, stared at one spot on the wall, and pressed all four feet solidly below him in an effort to keep it from squeezing out.


This air-tight elevator was the site of the incident

"Before I knew it, I'd farted," he said. "At first it was a ghost-like whisper, I had some hopes at first that it would stay silent. But then it transformed into a roaring motorcycle-like clickety-clack. Then it was all over."

"Everyone on the elevator froze," he continued. "It was like the Ice Queen from Narnia cast a spell on them, they were that still. No one acknowledged the fart."

Witnesses said cats on the elevator were still and silent, as if somehow through their stillness they could actually reverse time and make it (the fart) not have happened.

"There was a definite loud, ripe peal," said witness Kellie, a 12-year-old, spayed, Siamese Mix, who is a legal secretary and was also in the elevator when the fart occurred.


Witness Kellie said she heard a “ripe peal”

"It was truly terrifying, not knowing if people knew that it was me (who farted) or not," Willie stated. He said he was so hard hit by the fart incident that he became depressed and considered switching careers to protect his family.

“Someone wrote ‘Willie is a farter’ on the men’s bathroom wall and I saw it and felt terrible,” he said. “It was like someone knew and they wanted to exploit me.”

Workers in the office are certain the notoriety from the incident will eventually, like a fart, dissipate, and business will go back to normal soon. No one is in any way certain that Willie actually was, in fact, the farter.


Willie said he just wanted to protect his family

“There were about nine other cats from my office on that elevator,“ witness Kellie said. “It could have been anyone, really."

“It was very hard. I tried to put myself in (the farter’s) position and thought how they might feel if they’d let the fart," Kellie continued. “There’s just nothing good about it.”

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large
Willie’s Cat Photos: Gracias Monica Contreras, Mexico City
Kellie Kat Photo: Thanks to Kellie Kat, Gearhart, OR

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Pretending To Be Turtles Gives Donuts A Chance To Escape, Avoid Being Eaten, Study Says

Sequim, WA

To avoid being eaten, some donuts pretend to be turtles, or even panda bears, a new study has found.

Protective mimicry is a remarkable example of adaptive evolution, for example, certain moths can be colored to look like butterflies and clever grasshoppers may be able to look like tiger beetles, with the appropriate hats and outfits.

While most mimicry studies focus on traits like color and shape, the researchers in this work used multiple high-speed cameras and behavioral experiments to pinpoint how the donut's movements and frostings can mimic a turtle.

Donuts without a such a clever disguise are more prone to being eaten, or frozen and saved for later

Turtles are cute, but are also known to be aggressive at defending themselves: They are well-armed with revolvers, ninja stars, and even water balloons. Donuts, in contrast, are tasty and easy to catch. Donuts are smart, but considered lazy by most, and usually don't do much more than try to bite back when being grabbed or attacked.

Not surprisingly, human predators tend to prefer eating donuts over turtles, so appearing to be an turtle confers some significant protection.

Turtle-mimicking donuts have learned to use their own frostings to paint themselves up as turtles. Then they can simply jump off the counter and walk away using all four legs, but pause frequently to do nothing and appear slow and dumb, like a turtle.

Donuts who learn to use their own frosting as disguises are far more likely to escape and live a life of freedom

When walking, they take winding trajectories of about three-to-five body lengths, which from afar makes them appear like innocent, sweet turtles, simply crossing a road. Then, the donuts quickly scurry off into the safety of bushes and hide.

While the researchers could see what the donuts were doing thanks to high-speed cameras, many potential human predators have slower visual systems, so that to them the mimics appear to be moving just like a turtle would.

The researchers noted "donuts can be sneaky, and the findings highlight the importance of dynamic and adaptive behaviors and observer perception in mimicry."

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Cat Caught Picking His Nose In Car Issues Public Apology


Sequim, WA

A local cat known for his reputation as Sequim's top realtor today issued a formal apology after he was caught picking his nose while seated in his car the previous week.

Police reports state Vito, a 9-year-old, neutered Scottish Fold, was driving home from his office when he stopped at a stoplight on Sequim Avenue.

An anonymous witness reported seeing him "...glance around quickly, then promptly stick a finger fully up his nose, picking it."


This witness saw the entire nose picking incident

In the wake of the incident, Vito tried to relay that the nose picking was, in fact, an accident caused by "unforseen sudden forward acceleration" by his car.

The witness who reported the event stated that once Vito saw he had been caught, he promptly removed his finger and pretended to merely be examining the skin on his nose in the mirror of the car until the light turned green and he drove off, leaving the witness and her three kittens shocked.

"Oh, he was picking his nose, believe you me," the witness said to police. "He had that telling look on his face, and he did it in full view of my three young kittens, all of them were exposed to that behavior."


The incident happened on this public street

While not explicitly admitting to having picked his nose, Vito in a press conference pleaded for privacy in a heartwarming mea culpa.

"I have let my family down and I regret (the act) with all of my heart," Vito said to a crowd. "I have not been true to my values. I am not without fault here and I am far short of perfect."

Vito went on to say that he does not now nor did he ever approve of nose picking in public, regardless of city or state laws.


These two cats were arrested just last month for public nose picking

"I am dealing with my behavior and failings behind closed doors," he stated. "I am very sorry for those who were affected by my shameful behavior."

The witnesses to the dramatic event are said to be in satisfactory condition after being screened by a mental health practitioner.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Brave NETFLIX Envelope Narrowly Escapes Death


Sequim, WA

A NETFLIX envelope who was attacked by a U.S. Postal employee says he lived only because the postal worker dropped him after he punched it repeatedly in the mouth.

Chester, a 6-month-old, red and white DVD Mailing Envelope, is recovering in the hospital from top and corner injuries. He had an operation on his flap and is awaiting surgery on his seam. He told reporters he thought he was moments from death during the attack, but managed to crawl away to his car.

Chester, who works for NETFLIX, was taking a walk in the woods near his home with his boyfriend Donovan, when he says a postal worker in a blue shirt and short pants suddenly charged at him, snorting and grunting.


Boyfriend Donovan fled the scene and watched the event unfold while safely hidden under a car

Donovan, a 9-year-old, neutered, White Persian, said he "...peed himself a little," then ran away and hid under their car, terrified.

Chester said he managed to climb up a nearby tree, but the postal worker cornered him. “I turned around and just saw (his) big face looking at me,” he said.

The envelope bravely recalled “kicking the postal worker's nose” which caused him to retreat, but said he only grew angrier and attacked again. Chester said (the postal worker) grabbed his upper right red corner and flung him into a dirt pile.


Postal workers are said to be very dangerous, can carry numerous diseases, and aren’t paid very much

“I gave him a really bad paper cut,” Chester said. “It drew a lot of blood, (the postal worker) really winced.” Chester said he then fell to the ground and was briefly knocked out.

After regaining consciousness, despite a torn corner, a broken seal, and an illegible to-and-from address, Chester managed to crawl back to his car and get inside. Donovan also climbed into the vehicle and drove them to Olympic Hospital.

Chester’s sister, Harriett, a 9-month-old, blue and yellow retired Mailing Envelope who once worked for Blockbuster Video, was in awe of his brave survival.


Donovan, who is a total wuss, said “courage has never been one of my stronger qualities…”

“We're a very lucky family to have him still with us," she said. “When the doctor’s first started to tell me, well…I thought he was licked for sure, but he triumphed.”

"It was a pretty big postal worker,“ Chester said from the safety of his hospital bed. “I thought I was dead…I thought that was the end of my life and all I could do was try to fight, stay alive or whatever.”

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Massive Iceberg Breaks Off Cat's Popsicle In Sequim, Sparking Fears Of Global Warming

Sequim, WA

A massive iceberg weighing more than one trillion tons has broken away from a Cherry-Flavored-Popsicle owned by a cat in Sequim, according to a paper published today in the journal Nature.

Scientists from Project ICEPOP had been monitoring the crack in the Popsicle, the third-largest found in the United States, following the collapse of a local pug's Popsicle back in 2014, and had been closely observing significant advances in this newest cracked Popsicle over the past 12 months.

Experts said a 2,239-square-mile section of the Popsicle was confirmed to have broken away sometime between Monday and Wednesday, a crack so large it was seen by NASA's Aqua MODIS satellite.

Sadly, the Popsicle was taken away from the unnamed cat for his own safety

"We have been anticipating this event for months, and have been surprised how long it took for the rift to break through the final inches of the Popsicle," professor Dutch, a 14-year-old, Scottish Fold of Peninsula College and lead investigator of the project, said in a statement.

He said the team believes the rest of the Popsicle, also Cherry, has remained intact adding, "This is the normal behavior of a Popsicle, this is not due to global warming or climate change. Although we feel bad for the young cat who planned on eating it, it is not an unnatural Popsicle event."

Dutch believes the newly created Popsicle chunk, likely to be named A68, has a volume the size of Delaware.

"There will be no immediate global impact," Dutch said. "This Popsicle calving event does not directly affect anyone, and repercussions, if there are any, will not be felt for years. However, it is a spectacular flavor and we should all keep on purchasing and eating Popsicles in the future."

Scientists said the calving of Popsicles, even if sugar-free, happens all the time. It's significantly more important when the very last parts of a Popsicle break away, when you start losing precious, tasty, chunks on the floor or carpet, but this area has a long way to go before that happens.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large







Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Local Pug Caught Playing With Dolls Arrested, Again


Sequim, WA

A dog who allegedly videotaped a friend playing with a "My Little Pony" doll at his home in Seattle back in 2005 is now accused of playing with Barbie Dolls in Sequim.

Poindexter, a 13-year-old, neutered Pug, was arrested and charged Tuesday night on 4 counts of playing with dolls, a Class 3 felony in Washington State. Big Poppa, a 14-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair cat who lives with Poindexter in the Sequim area, was also charged with 2 counts of the same crime.

“This is one of the most upsetting days I've ever dealt with,” Clallam County Sheriff Brian, a 4-year veteran of the force said in a statement to the press.


Big Poppa was not afraid to hide his love for dolls in the crudely-made home videos police discovered

Poindexter and Big Poppa are each being held on more than $100,000 bail in the Clallam County Jail.

According to an arrest warrant, Poindexter engaged in role-playing acts with Barbies, Bratz, and even Polly Pocket dolls at the home over a span of several months.

A complaint from a concerned neighbor prompted an investigation. A cat reportedly saw Poindexter playing excitedly in the front yard with the dolls, even “mimicking girly voices,” the witness said, and promptly e-mailed investigators a camera photo of the Pug, who appeared to be having a tea party with the dolls.


Police confiscated this dollhouse and others like it at the suspects’ home

Authorities acting on the tip quickly went to the property, which detectives said is situated only one mile away from a toy shop, and found an entire cache of Barbie and Bratz dolls, furniture, play houses, quilts, and clothing.

Detectives said it appeared the two males had been having “serious tea, pool, and other parties with the Barbies and other dolls in recent weeks.”

Reports said authorities recovered thousands of pictures of Poindexter engaging himself in doll-play, even going so far as to “dress himself up in pink, frilly aprons and hats, serving food and snacks to the inanimate, plastic dolls.”


Poindexter has entered an “Alford plea” in the hopes of saving his name

"This is not over, more charges are coming," police said. "They've been having tea parties with dolls," detectives told The Gazette. "(Poindexter) has been here for four years and it looks like this has been going on for some time, he ought to be ashamed, a grown dog playing with dolls like that.”

Back in 2005, Poindexter was identified by police as having made multiple videotapes of himself and his cat friend Big Poppa ‘playing horsey’ and having sleepovers with My Little Pony dolls, authorities said.

Poindexter appeared in court Friday and entered an Alford plea, a type of "not guilty" plea meaning he did not admit guilt but acknowledged a jury likely would convict him if he went to court.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Cat Who Got Stuck In Tree Made Prank Calls, Ordered Pizzas, Police Say

Sequim, WA

A local cat who spent nearly 32 hours perched in two large trees in Sequim was charged Tuesday with first-degree malicious mischief and second-degree assault. Betsy, a 9-year-old Calico, is scheduled to be arraigned on July 17th.

In charging documents filed in Clallam County Superior Court, prosecutors are also asking a judge to issue a no-contact order banning Betsy from going near the large, towering oaks just outside of Sequim High School.

SWAT and firefighters responded to Hendrickson Street and South Sequim Avenue around 12:20 p.m. on July 9th after Betsy allegedly threw an apple core at someone from (the tree), giggled, climbed about 10 feet higher up the oak tree, and started making phone calls.

Betsy reportedly took 23 naps during the incident

SWAT officials said Betsy pelted police and firefighters with chunks of bark and branches ripped from the tree as well as leaves, prosecutors allege. Several passers-by and cars were struck by the bark, police said. One officer suffered a cut on the ear from a “really big” piece of tree bark, and two others were struck on the arm.

During the 32 hours that Betsy was in the tree, she took 23 naps, made 128 prank-calls on her cellular phone, laughed at police negotiators, spit on people, ordered pizzas, and earned a sizable Twitter following as #BetsyInTree. Betsy finally climbed down Monday afternoon.

Prosecutors wrote the incident resulted in a response from more than 62 police officers, negotiators, crisis-response teams, botanists, telephone operators, and five full fire-engine companies.

Men and women who attempted to free her were pelted with debris from above

Betsy’s mother, Tiger Lili, of Joyce, Washington, said she had not talked to Betsy for about two days when a friend called saying she was on the news again, stuck in a tree.

Tiger Lili said she made numerous attempts to get Betsy help but was told there was nothing anyone could do unless she posed a danger to herself or others.

“There’s nothing we can do because she’s an adult and doesn’t think she needs help,” she said. “It feels very hopeless.”

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Monday, July 10, 2017

Deadly Gas Explosion Caused By Fiber One Bars Not Faulty Pipeline, ATF Says


Sequim, WA

Three Sequim High School classrooms were completely destroyed yesterday by a terrifying series of gas explosions that killed nine cats and hospitalized 20 kittens.

Investigators sent from the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) concluded the gas emanated from a cat who ate an entire box of Fiber One granola bars rather than a crack in a gas pipeline as was previously believed.

The cat in question later admitted to the farts that caused the explosions.


Gas clouds reached up to 2,300 feet high, witnesses said

“The first thing I heard was a rumble, then all of the sudden a big explosion, like BOOM," said Chester, a 2-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The heat (from the farts) shot up the rows and the gas (from the farts) engulfed the classroom.”

The blasts shot a fireball into the air that consumed several wall maps and a globe in an instant. One cat was blasted free from his britches, which were incinerated by the dense heat.

After the initial explosions, NASA reported the (fart) gas clouds reached up to 2,300 feet high and could be seen from space.


“It was…like BOOM,” said Chester

Temperatures and odors from the blast were so extreme that when the first fire truck got to the scene, its windshield immediately cracked into shards and witnesses saw paint bubbling up on parked cars, one official said.

One lethal stinking fume crept out an open window and seared an eight inch hole through the soft canvas top of a 2006 Jeep Wrangler.

The (fart) explosion left a 15-foot crater at its epicenter.

Nine cats are dead while 20 others suffered first, second, and third-degree burns on their arms and tails from the radiating temperatures. One cat, who was seated in the classroom near the (farter), survived, but has a scalded pink bald stripe down the center of his skull to remind him of the terrifying incident.


Fiber One bars are well known to cause gas attacks and have been linked to terrorist groups since 2007

ATF investigators crawled the pipes under the building and determined them to be safe, they then captured and questioned a cat, who had been seen two days before,hiding Fiber One Bar wrappers under some rocks.

“Now that the source of the (farts) has been determined and contained we are certain there is no longer a threat,” said Edmonds Fire Chief Cricket, a 13-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “There has been a horrific tragedy, but the building is now safe.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Donut Who Had Heart Attack Blames Own Ingredients


Sequim, WA

A 2-day-old raspberry-filled, powdered, sugar-coated-donut named Ken, stated in court Friday that his heart attack was the fault of the bakery who made him.

A lawyer representing the donut claimed the Safeway bakery where he lived knowingly used trans-fat-laden oils in such an amount to cause the young donut’s heart attack.

Ken told a jury of 11 cats and one Pug he was taken home two days ago in a box along with 12 other donuts and was sleeping peacefully in a pink bakery box when his symptoms began.


Ralphie said he had “fully intended” to eat Ken until he noticed he was ill

"The next morning I got up and felt this really painful burning sensation in my middle and within 20 minutes I was losing my filling,” said Ken.

The cat who bought the donuts, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair named Ralphie, stated he thought at first the donut was “feigning his symptoms” to avoid being eaten.

Once he saw the donut was suffering he immediately put him in a napkin and rushed him to the ER at Swedish Hospital in Edmonds.


Safeway refused to comment for this story

EKGs done at Swedish Medical Center showed a serious, near-fatal heart attack. ER records indicate the donut had lost most of his powdered sugar coating and was lucky to be alive.

Doctors advised the donut the heart attack was most likely caused by trans-fats found in his system. They said the percentage was more than one third of the RDA allowance. Doctors performed a double-raspberry-bypass on the donut and he was sent home.


Doctors performed a double bypass on the donut in the ER

Safeway bakeries later countered in their opening statement that its extensive studies of the level of trans-fats in individual donuts showed no evidence it caused heart attacks with short-term use.

Safeway maintained that inactivity, such as laying around “doing nothing” in glass cases or in bakery boxes, not trans-fats, led to the heart attack. Jurors are expected to return a verdict next week.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

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