Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Bag Of Garbage Seen Wandering "Probably Homeless" Neighbors Say

Lynnwood, WA

Locals say a half-filled, black, Hefty Drawstring Garbage Bag seen prowling the 181st and 67th Avenue area this past week was most likely homeless.

The bag was spotted hiding near a tomato plant this past Monday and was last seen scurrying across the street on Friday night.

“We know he isn’t local,” said Max, a 12-year-old, neutered, Ginger Domestic Short Hair, who has lived in the area with his wife, Bianca, for the past 9 years. “Everyone around here uses cans, either metal or plastic, so a guy like that kinda...well, sticks out, you know what I mean?”

Max and his wife, Bianca saw the garbage bag

Cats who live in the small cul-de-sac have all reported things missing within the past week. Items like cigarette butts, a few empty cardboard boxes, and coffee grounds, led them to believe a homeless garbage bag was trying to support itself in the area.

Sadly, reports say that while single, white male cats comprise 44 percent of the homeless, single, Tortoise Shell female cats 13 percent, and cats with kittens 36 percent, unaccompanied, black, plastic garbage bags account for 7 percent of the total.

“I hate to think of garbage bags begging for scraps,” continued Max. “In this day and age when we all have so much for ourselves, it pains me to know there are folks out there suffering."

Margene saw the garbage bag through her kitchen window

“He scooted across the street fast. I felt really bad.“ said Max’s wife Bianca, a 9-year-old, Russian Blue, who saw the terrified bag last Wednesday. “He saw me and fled. A few dented, empty tuna cans clanked and fell out of him on his way up towards the next house.”

“At first I thought he was hooking up with Judy,” said neighbor cat Margene, a 13-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “She got divorced a few months back and that’s just the sort of trash she’d hang out with.”

Margene said she first saw the garbage bag through the kitchen window while fixing waffles, saying he ‘ducked and tried to hide’ under a car, concealing himself from view. An anonymous neighbor later admitted that the bag told her it was looking for a place to sleep.

This Yard Waste can says he offered to help the lonely garbage bag

One particular 3-year-old, Plastic, Yard Waste Disposal Can said he saw the lonely garbage bag wandering around and offered to let him use his cell phone to call for help, but stated that the garbage bag admitted he had ‘no one’ to call.

A not so well-known fact about homelessness, 28 percent of homeless garbage bags said they sometimes or very often do not get enough to eat, compared with 15 percent of relatively-low income cats.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Monday, September 20, 2010

Support Grows For Limiting String in Local Schools

Edmonds, WA

A bill that would ban the sale of string and yarn in school vending machines and school stores is gaining momentum in the legislature, as Washington combats a troubling rise in school-age string addiction.

While cigarette smoking is at its lowest point in recent history, the non-medical use of string and yarn has increased during the last five years among 9th-grade kittens and remained unchanged among 8th- and 12th-graders.

Nearly 1 in 10 high school seniors reported non-medical use of string; 1 in 20 reported abuse of 100% cotton yarn.

Young Emmerich has been addicted to string since the first time he tried it recreationally at a party

When asked how string was obtained for non-medical use, 52 percent of kittens said they were given the string or had bought it from a friend or relative.

Others said it was sold in some vending machines found around campus right next to packages of cigarettes. Some 30 percent of kittens reported receiving a prescription for it, and a negligible number of 12th-graders reported purchasing the string over the internet.

The House passed a similar bill in January, after nearly a decade of debate on similar bills that went nowhere. Now, Senate officials have thrown their support behind the effort in hopes to keep string out of the hands of school-age kittens.

String has been confiscated at Lynndale Elementary over 57 times in the last week, according to police

“Everyone knows that using string adversely impacts a kitten’s ability to learn,’’ an official said in an interview. “(Everyone) is very alarmed about the high level of string addiction and more and more are becoming addicted every day. It’s a crisis.”

“You can’t just play with string once,” said Emmerich, a 2-year-old, Domestic Short Hair. “Once you try it you are hooked.”

Legislators say over 90% of kittens who try string become addicted after the first try. Upon first use, the user experiences an intense sensation, called a "rush" or "flash," that lasts only a few minutes and is described as extremely pleasurable.

This cat, who was addicted to purple and yellow yarn for five years, said he will do anything to see the bill get passed

String abusers can develop a tolerance quickly, needing larger and larger amounts of string to play with.

In some cases, users forego food and sleep to play with string every few hours for days, 'binging' until they shred it up into teeny-tiny little bits or become too disorganized to continue.

The President is urging Congress, as it overhauls the bill, to set standards for all string and yarn sold outside lunch and breakfast programs in the hopes of controlling this growing issue.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Trees Found Beheaded Were Victims Of Terror, Police Say

Edmonds, WA

A 10-year-old Douglas Fir Tree and his 9-year-old brother were found ruthlessly beheaded by an elderly cat outside her residence in east Edmonds.

Edgar Scott, and Jacob Wood were previously employed as Christmas Trees until their jobs ended last December.

Unidentified suspects killed the trees by beheading them with a sharp-edged weapon, possibly serrated, and managed to walk away unseen, police said.

“My heart went out to those two trees,” said the elderly cat who found their bodies

The two trees were reported missing by their family on January 12th and had not been heard from since. Family members said in a statement that their home had been targeted by ecology groups in the past and that they felt this was an act of terror.

“Oh we’ve been toilet papered I can’t tell you how many times,” said Edgar and Jacob’s mother Flan, an 87-year-old Douglas Fir. “We just stood our ground and held firm, we don't bend with the wind.”

Before their disappearance, the two trees had been living in a small rented house with a Scotch Pine named Harry for the last six and a half months.

In a statement, Harry, who is a Scotch Pine, said he will “truly miss” the brothers’ company

The cat who discovered the bodies was not awake when the incident took place. She reportedly went out to get the morning paper around 6:00 a.m. and “found them.”

Another neighbor informed the police of the incident after hearing the trees' screams.

Family members said they had been frantically calling the young trees on their mobile phones and when they did not respond, contacted their landlord. The landlord said he had not seen them since on or around December 29, 2009.

“It’s very sad, this sort of anti-Holiday sentiment,” said Nitwit

"Available circumstances indicate that the perpetrator was well-known to the victims and knew where they were going to be and when. We are investigating the case as terrorist activity," Edmonds police said.

Cats in the neighborhood have set up a makeshift memorial for the slain trees. A wooden cross, flowers, and Christmas ornaments have piled up at the site where the bodies were found.

Pine Tree-scented car air refreshers were seen hung on a nearby fence to commemorate the brothers. “They were innocents,” a neighbor said. “This should not have happened.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Trial Date Set For Cat Who Put Spaghetti Sauce In Refrigerator Without Date Label

Sequim, Wa

A court date has been set in Clallam County for a cat accused of a crime that resulted in the untimely death of what neighbors called a “good amount of spaghetti sauce.”

Katie, a 4-year-old, neutered, Tuxedo cat, is charged with first degree reckless endangerment charges after she put an opened, half-full jar of Prego spaghetti sauce into the fridge without a date label on it following a dinner party.

Police investigators said Katie was a guest at the home of the scene. According to reports she was cleaning up the kitchen sometime after midnight and when she got to the food and leftovers she carelessly placed the lid on the jar of sauce and "callously" put it on a shelf in the refrigerator.

The jars next to the sauce were clearly marked with a freshness date

Katie later told police she had been up all night, at times drinking beer and playing pool with another cat. She said she stumbled across the jar of spaghetti sauce and simply threw it in (the refrigerator) without thinking.

Katie told police that another guest at the party had tried to flirt with her and that it had made her confused. She said she was “not thinking clearly” when she put the sauce in the refrigerator without first jotting down today’s date and that she “made a terrible mistake.”

Katie told Police she then went home, showered, and went to sleep. She awoke the next morning to find police at her door with handcuffs, sent by the host of the previous night’s party.

Neighbor Tygana laments the death of the sauce

The homeowner, whose name has been withheld, said she woke up in the middle of the night and knew something was wrong.

“I just knew,” the homeowner said in a statement to police. “I went to the ‘fridge and sure enough, I looked and saw there was no date label on the spaghetti sauce. Who knew how long it had been in there like that?”

She said she immediately took the jar out of the refrigerator and dialed 911. EMTs at the scene tried desperately to affix a proper date label on the jar, but had no success, saying it was too late.

The jar of sauce, alone in the refrigerator for an unknown amount of time, was thrown out.

The picturesque town of Sequim mourns the loss of the sauce

“It’s a tragedy that something like this could happen here,” said neighbor Tygana, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “We moved here because it seemed like such a small town, now this happened.”

"That was a great tasting spaghetti sauce, and we hurt for everybody in its family," said a family insider. "The loss of this much sauce is very sad."

The Prego spaghetti sauce was 10-months-old. It was a limited ‘Heart Smart’ variety and originally came to Sequim with its twin brother from Costco.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, September 3, 2010

Cats Who Escaped Prison Were On Death Row, Warden Confirms

Walla Walla, WA

Two guards at Walla Walla State Penitentiary have been fired and a waffle cook demoted after three inmates managed to steal a 12” stainless steel wire whisk and escape.

Warden Emil Buttercup said the cats, who were on death row, attacked the waffle cook in the kitchen and seized the deadly whisk. They then turned the whisk on two guards and fought their way out the front gate.

Buttercup said he should have never allowed the cook access to a wire whisk at the prison in the first place because of his lengthy criminal history.

A deadly wire whisk like this one was used by the convicts to escape

Police say the cats then carjacked a Pug driving a red GMC pickup truck a few streets away, and led police on a wild chase before crashing and running into the woods. The Pug was unharmed.

Buttercup said the cats, all 4-year-old, neutered Scottish Fold littermates, were awaiting a new set of appeals when they broke out of prison.

The inmates are identified as Bingo. Mr. Jiggles, and Ernest Hemingway. Fortunately for police, Mr. Jiggles, who is an admitted social networking addict, has been constantly updating his Facebook page on a netbook, giving police detailed clues as to where to find them.

Convicted felon Mr. Jiggles is reportedly a huge fan of the social networking site Facebook

The three cats had already served one year on Washington State’s death row after being convicted in 2008 of first degree theft of office supplies from their employer with intent of personal use. Up until their conviction, the brothers had all worked for Premera Blue Cross.

Due to the nature of the crimes the cats were sentenced for, U.S. Marshals have been stationed at local Office Max, Staples, and Office Depot stores in case the cats try to steal more office supplies.

U.S. Marshals are staking out office supply stores in case the cats intend a robbery

This comes as disturbing news for those living in nearby areas, who may or may not need to go and purchase office supplies themselves.

“This is terrifying,” said one local cat who did not want to be identified. “What if I run out of Post-It notes? I hate that.”

Prison representatives said the prison is a maximum security facility. It has since been placed on lockdown while officers look for the other inmates who might have known about the escape plan.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Pugs More Likely To Plead Guilty To Crimes They Didn't Commit

Sequim, WA Pugs are more likely to plead guilty to crimes they did not commit because they are really dumb and thus less able to make matu...