Monday, November 30, 2009

Local Cat Says He Was Fired From His Job For Loving Mel Gibson

Seattle, WA

A local cat says he has been unjustly fired from his job as a customer service representative after admitting to colleagues that he was in love with Mel Gibson.

Sulu, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, reported that he was terminated from his position in the middle of the day, one week after he had put up full-color glossy photos of Mel Gibson in his cubicle and told co-workers that he “loved him.”

Witnesses said that Sulu put “3 to 5 color photos, a large, hand-drawn heart, and a 2010 calendar” of Mr. Gibson up on a wall that faced common areas, upsetting others, who complained to management.

It has been said Mel Gibson is a fan of cats, fish, Catholics, and beavers

A witness said she walked by the cubicle and was told not once, but four times, that Mel Gibson is a "great" director. The cat claimed Sulu stopped her and forced her to gaze upon the shrine of Mel Gibson photos, trying to get her to agree.

“I don’t care what your tastes are,” said witness Seth Weintraub, a 10-year-old, Diluted, Scottish Fold Calico. “All I said to him was ‘human resources, buddy. Keep your opinions to yourself.’”

Sulu had also apparently submitted a legal change-of-name request to the Human Resource department requesting his name badge to be changed to Sulu Gibson.

Seth Weintraub said “Something is very wrong with Sulu”

Sulu was called down to the Human Resources department, where he was told it was wrong for him to love Mel Gibson, “because he's a crazy ass.” After HR employees confiscated his stapler and 2 tubes of white-out, Sulu was fired.

"I found it offensive that (Sulu) repeatedly brought it up," another witness said. "By the tenth time he made me look at poster from Lethal Weapon 3, I felt God wanted me to express how I felt about the matter, so I did. I said, ‘I’m sorry man, I think you’re a nut bag.’ I went straight to HR.”

The letter terminating Sulu reportedly stated that while entitled to your own beliefs, imposing them upon other cats in the workplace is not acceptable and in this case, telling a colleague that you love Mel Gibson constitutes discrimination and harassment.

HR representatives say they fired Sulu for his bad judgment

Sulu, who said he has not hired a lawyer, said he is considering filing a complaint with the Equal Opportunity Commission.

Asked why he felt the need to comment on his love for Mel Gibson, Sulu, who has since gotten a job at Hot Dog On A Stick, said he felt compelled to do so.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Sulu Photo: Thanks to J.R.
Others: Random

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Local Cat Says He Cannot Work Due To String Addiction

Edmonds, WA

A local cat today has admitted to his family and co-workers what they had secretly believed for years, he is addicted to string.

Clarence, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair, says he is now unable to work due to the extreme disability stemming from his addiction. In Clarence’s case, he’s about to be homeless, and is already subsisting on food stamps.

“I have tried so many times to stop,” said Clarence but then I just get an overwhelming urge to take (string) out and claw at it, bat it around, even.”

Not many cats are aware of the very real dangers of string and yarn addiction

The issue began as a young kitten, when he would spend “hours” mesmerized by string. Desperate to get more, he said he would steal it from craft and yarn stores and horde it under his mattress.

“It was so much fun,” he said. “I just had to claw at it and whip it around the house. At first I could play for 20 minutes or so then put it away. As time went on I’d sit and all I could do was think about playing with string. I couldn’t focus, it got scary.”

“I tried to curb the urge to play with it,” he continued. “But I’ll be just about to go off to work and suddenly I gotta play with string. It’s bad.”

Concerned neighbor Barrett said he noticed Clarence’s gradual withdrawal from friends

Clarence said that if he is out of string or yarn he sometimes will go to a neighbor’s home and ask to “borrow” some. Worse yet, if none is to be found, he will make use of dental floss as a substitute.

Trouble at work began when his supervisor at the bank where he works caught him looking at pictures of soft, fluffy balls of yellow yarn on his computer during working hours. “I heard he’d been arrested once for going to the emergency room hoping to score some string,” said a co-worker who did not want to be identified.

“I got so I couldn’t go four hours without playing with string,” Clarence said. “I’d bring some to work, until one afternoon I was caught in the men’s room batting around a red ball of yarn. It was embarrassing.”

Part of The Center’s intensive treatment for string addiction involves being “unable” to move or play with string while string is present

Friends and neighbors say Clarence used to be very active, tending to his garden and frequently washing his car. They said they started to notice him withdrawing from his usual activities and said he even stopped answering the door.

“I’d go knock on his door, just to say hello to him,” said neighbor Barrett, a 5-year-old, neutered Pug. “I could hear him in there, hitting something around and breathing heavy. I knew it was string.”

After admitting his addiction, Clarence’s family has agreed to send him to a 28-day intensive inpatient rehabilitation visit at The Center, located in Edmonds. Luckily, his employer has graciously offered to hold his position until he can safely reclaim it.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Clarence Photo: Thanks to Jett
Others: Random

Friday, November 27, 2009

Plastic Santa Spotted In Local Yard; Police Say Threat Is Small, Yet Festive

Edmonds, WA

There were no reindeer sightings in the sunny Black Friday sky, but there were plenty of terrified neighbors and concerned family members gathered near the home where a plastic, light-up Santa was spotted.

Fear and word spread quickly of the sighting after three kittens peeing in a yard reported it to the Edmonds Police Department. Officials confirmed the presence of the Santa in the neighborhood of Main Street and Dayton Avenue just hours ago.

“As another holiday weekend unfolds we have to realize there are (Santas) out there with bad intentions,” said local cat Humphrey McGiggles, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “We’re not closing the streets off yet,’’ he said. “We would if we had any concerns. We’re just encouraging everyone to use common sense.’’

Simon fears for the life of his young kitten, Mahtzoh

They say there is no cause for alarm, yet state officials said one of their Santa experts just yesterday spotted at least one other Santa and also a large, stuffed Scarecrow prowling the same area.

“Oh, my God! I am so terrified for my newborn kitten,” said Simon, a 4-year-old, Domestic Short Hair who is also a ventriloquist. “He is so tiny and fluffy, and I heard from my friend down the road that that is exactly the kind of kitten those Santas are after.”

Police said they believe the threat is small, noting that sightings of the colorful, plastic Santas, including light-up and inflatable varieties, are relatively common in the area and that the last time a person was attacked by a Santa in Washington was in 1939, when a 5-year-old cat was killed in a skirmish in Bellevue.

Felicia is so scared, she said she ‘…can’t even eat’

“I’m so scared, I can’t even eat,” said Felicia Williams, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, whose house actually borders the property where the terrifying Santa is currently hiding. “Well, okay…I can eat…but you get the idea.”

After officials received the report of the Santa(s) on the loose in the area, local police chief Aaron Keyes ordered a helicopter patrol, hoping to get a closer look and identify them with the help of a spotter.

He found one other Santa, but haze and cloud cover rolled in, depriving him of the help of the pilot, he said in a statement. Later in the afternoon, the helicopter pilot spotted another Santa, but also stated it could have been the same one he had seen earlier.

Kittens who spotted the Santa said they were ‘fricking horrified’

Edmonds Police said they would patrol the area throughout the weekend and authorities urged joggers and cats pooping in the woods to be careful, but said folks should not overreact.

“Everyone around here knows this neighborhood is like a buffet line for Santas,’’ said area resident Hiro, a 5-year-old, neutered, Seal-Point Siamese. “There are many families here with fresh, young kittens ready to be bagged and eaten.”

“There needs to be more control of these Santas,’’ Hiro said. “It would be better to have us doing the patrolling, if possible. Plastic Santas aren’t very popular around here. They tend to scare too many people away, and that’s not good for the town’s economy.’’

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Simon’s Photo Courtesy of Corinne Crammer
& Thanks to Felicia Williams (orange cat in bag)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Cat Who Ate Entire Bag Of Fortune Cookies Overwhelmed With Good Luck

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat who gave in to a recent food craving is now happy and in disbelief at the good luck he has reaped from his choice of snack food.

Ben, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair said he was shopping for bargains at his favorite store, Bartell Drugs, and saw they sold packages of fortune cookies for only $2.99.

“I love fortune cookies,” Ben said. “I hadn’t had Chinese food in a long time, but for some reason they really sounded great.” Ben said he purchased a bag along with his other parcels and went home as usual.

Ben said he sat down for dinner that evening intending to eat a ham and Swiss croissant sandwich, but the urge to eat the cookies was too great. He said he lost control.

The fortune cookies were reportedly very delicious and crispy

“I just said the heck with it and went and got the whole bag out,” he told the Gazette. “I was sitting and watching Ocean’s Eleven by myself. I ate a few cookies, then just couldn’t stop. They are so crispy and good, before I knew it I was tearing through the big bag and had eaten all 65 cookies, fortunes and all.”

The next day Ben said his morning started with the feeling that a pleasant surprise was in store for him. He said a friend who he had not seen in years visited him, gifted him with a small cactus, and told him how much he valued their friendship.

Ben reported that the next day a grand party was held in his honor where his work ethic was praised, everyone telling him that he was “the best” at what he did. He said all of his talents were recognized and he was rewarded with a large raise.

Ben said he is now very relaxed and is patiently awaiting “whatever happens next”

“I remember reading a few of the fortunes in the cookies,” Ben said. “But most of them I just ate, I think. I suddenly realized that they were coming true, it was very odd, but something in me told me not to rush to judgment.”

Days later, Ben’s ultimate wish suddenly became reality when it was announced on the radio that he had won a lifetime supply of apple fritters from his favorite local bakery. Then, on a hunch, he played a few random numbers that were stuck in his head and won over $500,000.00 in the Washington State Lottery.

“It seemed wherever I went that week, happiness awaited,” he told the Gazette. “Even at the video store, they said I was their millionth customer and all my rentals would be free from now on.”

Ben said his long lost love once left him for this Siberian Husky named Phantom

Ben said he has no idea what spawned the sudden rush of good luck, but said he feels “in his belly” that it was all somehow meant to happen.

“My long lost love, who had dumped me years ago for a Siberian Husky named Phantom, suddenly called me up and said she still loved me and wanted to get back together,” Ben said. “She said ‘time is the wisest counselor’ and that she had smartened up since then.”

“I realized that my dreams must be bigger than my fears, I’m so hopeful now,” Ben said. “I look forward to the future with an open mind and heart.” Ben said he is being peaceful and patiently awaits whatever comes his way next.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Isabella as Ben Photos: Thanks to Aida
Phantom Photo: Thanks to Kathie

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Local Cat Loses Disability Benefits Over Facebook Photos

Seattle, WA

A local cat who has been out on a long-term disability for depression says she lost her weekly benefit check because an insurance investigator saw pictures of her on Facebook page in which she “appeared to be having fun.”

Ginger, a 5-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair has been on a leave of disability from her job at Microsoft since January 2009.

Representatives from the company said Saturday that Ginger had been diagnosed with major depression disorder and had been receiving monthly disability checks from insurance giant Afflac.

“Depressed cats do not post photos of themselves and their boyfriends in the nude,” said one expert

Just last week, Gingers checks stopped coming in the mail. A call to the insurance company let her know that according to what they’d seen on her Facebook page, she was ready to go back to work.

She said the insurance agent described thousands of pictures Ginger had proudly posted on Facebook, beginning way back in mid-February, of Ginger skydiving, swimming, drinking cocktails in a Hawaiian tiki bar, parasailing, and night bowling with groups of friends.

Ginger posted pictures on Facebook of the new car she bought with the money from her disability checks

“This is a cat who is bragging she just ran her second marathon and driving a brand new 370z,” a representative from the company said. “This is not something a depressed cat could do.”

Ginger said her psychiatrist gave her instructions in how to have fun, which included nights out binge drinking with him at local bars, getaway vacations to sunny destinations, and buying a new car, all as a way to try to forget her problems.

“In terms of her being depressed, what we would like to see is her withdrawing away from friends and family, crying more, and losing all interest in things she once loved,” said Afflac spokesman and case manager Rusty, a 12-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair.

Ginger says despite evidence to the contrary, she is very depressed, especially since the checks stopped coming

Other representatives from the insurance company said they were “very impressed” with the amount of things Ginger was able to afford on her disability checks and have since decided to lower the premiums to discourage such behavior in the future.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

New California Law Cracks Down On Sale Of Energy-Gobbling Cats

Seattle, WA

The California Energy Commission voted in favor of the Nation’s first energy efficiency regulations to regulate kittens and cats measuring up to 58 inches across sold in the state. The stricter rules were set in the hopes of saving wasted energy and take effect January 1, 2011.

The state senate moved today to crack down on the sale and maintenance of energy-gobbling overweight and obese cats that are now present in 30% of households.

After nearly two years of intense feeding and study, the California Energy Commission voted 5-0 to approve the nation's first efficiency regulations for cats measuring up to 58 inches or weighing in excess of 40 pounds sold in the state.

This cat, appropriately named Crusty, has the girth of a megaton warhead and eats 1,200 lbs. of food per meal

The new standards for cats, which take effect Jan. 1, 2011, are similar to those imposed on small children, dogs, and unemployed women in their 40’s since the 1970s. The tightened standards do not apply to any of the approximately 35 million kittens and cats currently in use.

"It looks like a super deal for us all," Commissioner Fairfax, a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair said after the vote. He also added that the new regulations would save consumers money, protect the environment, and reduce the need to build more canning plants to meet the already intense demand for food and tuna.

The new feeding restrictions will cover the increasingly popular “really, really fat cats,“ as well as the standard old-fashioned “lazy cats who sit on the sofa all day and sleep.”

A Human had to be used to hoist Hakeem from the floor of his home to demonstrate his girth

The average cat uses more than 37 times the food as a bulky Human, the energy commission says. Cats like Hakeem Wallace, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair who weighs in at 44 pounds, would be subject to censure.

Cat food trade groups sought to fight the ban, calling it “an unneeded interference within a free market that is naturally evolving toward feeding cats more and making them fatter.”

Some predict that a statewide ban on the sale and trade of really big fat cats could potentially alienate about a quarter of all cats currently available for adoption at shelters, making them “really sad and therefore more prone to overeat things like apple fritters that got them (into that) position in the first place.”

This cat, Fiona, a former ballet dancer, exceeds the new “energy-efficient” standards by an untold number of pounds

“Moving towards having more energy-efficient cats would eliminate the need to build at least ten large, gas-fired electric power plants to warm and cool the homes in which they live to their desired temperatures,” said the commission.

"Increased efficiency is the most cost-effective way of meeting our renewable energy goals, and those real big and fat cats really gobble up a lot of sustainable energy," said the energy commission Chairman.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Hakeem Wallace Photo: Thanks to Deb and Gordon
Crusty Photo: Jayden A.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Disturbed, Naked Possum Charged After Hijacking Bus Full Of Cats

Edmonds, WA

An hysterical, naked possum commandeered a school bus full of young cats Saturday in Edmonds, police said. The possum drove the bus for less than a mile before a cat confronted him and the bus crashed into a barrier on the side of the road, according to witnesses.

The incident started Saturday afternoon when the bus stopped to let cats out after attending a local high school basketball game.

Witnesses say Wonka, a 3-year-old, Virginia Opossum and known peanut butter addict, waddled towards the bus and pushing the old bus driver aside, maneuvered himself right into the driver’s seat.

Students said Wonka took control of the bus and took off at a high rate of speed laughing maniacally the entire time.

Jacob said the possum’s tail “…freaked us out”

While the bus was still moving, the possum abandoned the steering wheel and walked toward the back of the bus with his hands raised and exposed his genitals, police said.

Witness Jacob, a 2-year-old, Domestic Short Hair, said, "some of us were trying to jump and claw at (the possum), but his creepy pink tail really freaked us out.”

One young, athletic cat jumped over the seats towards the steering wheel and grabbed it, straightening out the path of the bus, which would have crashed. The bus then careened wildly out of control until it left the roadway and smashed into a roadside barrier.

Even 8 hours after the crash the embarrassed possum continued to play dead

Students said when the bus smacked into the barrier the possum suddenly played dead, hitting the deck in one fell swoop and started to ‘stink like a wicked bad fart.’

The cats then fled the bus, many using the back door emergency exit, where witnesses subdued them until police arrived. All were in satisfactory condition at press time.

Bingo, a 3-year-old, Domestic Short Hair, told KING-5 News that the possum had at one point tried to “pet her” and her friend, a 2-year-old, Domestic Short Hair named Dante, who will be seen and examined by Child Protective Services.

Bingo said the possum tried to “pet her” and her friend

"He showed us his privates,” said one cat who did not want to give her name. “He showed them and then saw we were not impressed…I think he was embarrassed and then the bus crashed and he collapsed.”

As is well-known, possums, when threatened or harmed, will mimic the appearance and smell of a dead animal. They bear their teeth, saliva foams around their mouths, and a foul-smelling fluid is secreted from their anal glands.

Sadly for social climate of all possums, the physiological response is involuntary, rather than a conscious act. “It’s sad, you know, I used to hang out with a possum friend,” said one cat. “But that whole involuntary fart thing, any time he got excited over anything he’d clear the room. It was no fun after that.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Jacob Photo Thanks To: coryphoto
Awesome Possum Copyright Paul Wood
Others: Random

Friday, November 6, 2009

Local Cats Rally To Help Smurfs Evacuated From Toxic Mold-Infested Homes

Thorntown, IN

Hundreds of Smurfs are scared and homeless today after local and state authorities declared their homes "unsafe" and forced them to evacuate their entire neighborhood.

Police officers responding to a non-related incident arrived at a local Smurf neighborhood and discovered homes riddled with a “black, sticky, toxic, stinky, mold,” which was going apparently unnoticed by the Smurfs, authorities stated.

The Smurfs, who have been living for over 40 years inside mushrooms and other places where molds and fungi converge, said they were “unaware” of the dangers of such “toxic mold.”

Thorntown Librarian Tober was quick to pick up the phone and offer to help the displaced Smurfs

A Thorntown Fire and Rescue Service spokesperson said the area was cordoned off because of the possibility the mold might become airborne and spread to the homes of cats living nearby.

Relief agencies contacted by the refugee Smurfs all put them on hold, saying they had neither the funds nor the time to help relocate them. Thorntown police officers reportedly even laughed at the sad, blue people. Their calls to churches also went unanswered.

Luckily, one cat at the local library managed to rally dozens of others and help evacuate an area around 5 square feet in Thorntown, concerned the Smurfs’ heath was being compromised.

Papa Smurf said he feared leaving his home would only open it up for possible looting and burglarizing

“I realized I am very lucky,” said Tober, a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who is currently Head Librarian at the Thorntown Public Library. “I had just bought a 3-bedroom home just outside of town…I called around and opened it up to (the Smurfs).”

Other cats quickly joined Tober’s example and gathered to help the displaced and now homeless Smurfs, over 200 in number. Determined to help Smurf families devastated by the mold, one local cat called every Indiana Smurf shelter in the phone book.

Tober, who had indeed just purchased a new home, promptly bought 12 evacuated Smurf families home with him and set up apartments for them in his spare bedrooms.

Friends said Tober was “relentless” in his efforts to help the Smurfs, angered at the failure of local government to help them

But don't try to tell Tober how generous he is. 'This isn't amazing, or heroic,“ he said. “You shouldn’t have to thank me. This is America and this is what we as Americans are supposed to do.”

“These Smurfs were looking at futures of living in shelters with no food, shoes, or apple fritters,“ Tober continued. “These Smurfs lost their homes right here in our country. It is our duty to help them. That is what 'We the People' is all about.”

The Internal Revenue Service is working to provide appropriate relief and assistance to the displaced Smurfs. If you are a Smurf victim of this toxic mold outbreak and need help with tax matters please contact the IRS.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Tober Photos: Thanks so much to Christine Sterle (and the REAL Tober) and her dedicated employees at the Thorntown Public Library
Mushroom Photo: By me!
Papa Smurf: Courtesy of himself

Two Cats Dead, Three Charged After Fight Over Cheez-It

Renton, WA

A dispute over a Cheez-It cracker outside a house that hosted a party in Renton erupted early yesterday morning into a violent confrontation that left 2 young cats dead and 3 others arrested for their murder, police say. A small Field Mouse, who was wounded by a flying sofa, also faces charges.

The horrible scene began at approximately 2:00 a.m., outside of a home bordering Renton Park Elementary. Police had already received two noise complaints regarding the party.

Renton Police identified the dead as Meatloaf, a 9-month-old, spayed Tortoise Shell, who was once a barber, and Pedro Gato, a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, whose wounds included a slice of American cheese to the head. Both were from Auburn.

Milo’s limp body was found stuffed into a shoe

A shredded catnip mouse, some crushed Cheez-Its, and a New Balance X-tra Wide women’s all-terrain shoe were all that remained this morning where the two were killed.

Paramedics who came to the grisly scene this morning found Meatloaf stuffed into a shoe and Pedro Gato lying in the grass. A slice of Processed Velveeta American cheese had been cut off a fresh loaf and thrown at him by a partygoer, fatally injuring him.

While it's unclear exactly what happened because there were no sober witnesses, officials have rounded up 16 cats they believe witnessed the crime.

While stuffing a victim into a shoe is a relatively sad, but common modality of murder, death by cheese slice is not.

Experts say attack with a slice of cheese is extremely rare - so rare that "you are more likely to be killed by a bolt of lightning than by (a slice of) cheese," said an investigator for the Renton Police Department.

Pedro Gato was hit with a deadly slice of American cheese

Cheshire, a 6-year-old, neutered Manx, who lives on the second floor of the house next door, said he was awakened “…by the audible slap of a slice of cold cheese to the head," and looked out a window to see a small, angry mouse chasing others around and screaming.

"It's just a horrible accident," said neighbor Baby Face, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “I heard all that loud rap music and I knew something bad was going to happen. “It was just a nightmare, everybody was screaming,” she said.

Pax Cage, an 18-month-old, male Field Mouse, suffered wounds from a flying sofa and is at Valley General Medical Center. He has been charged with assault with intent to incite mayhem.

These two minors were arrested for the murders

Two brothers and an Pygmy Goat, who are minors, were arrested and charged with murder and suspicious circumstance.

The minors, ages 4-months, and 7-months, are both being held without bail in juvenile court. Both have been treated and released for cheese-related injuries suffered during the fight.

By Tuesday evening, 11 cats and 5 kittens who had attended the party had been taken to police headquarters, where the staff was beginning court-ordered spankings. No one has admitted to cutting the cheese.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Thanks to Eric C.
Others: Random

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Local Cat Set To Marry After Scandalous Affair With Plastic, Hairy Gardener

Mukilteo, WA

After three months of deceit and secret-keeping, a local cat has openly confessed his love for his gardener, a 5-year-old, plastic and resin Yard Gnome named Ralph.

Although both of them are still married, Ralph and Cyrus Jasper McMuggle, a 3-year-old Abyssinian male and reported local Mafia don, have proudly come out of the closet together.

“Cyrus has found true love here,” said neighbor Janie, a 4-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, who has lived next to Cyrus and his wife Linda Curlycat McMuggle for the past 2 years. “…And, he is not afraid to show it.”

Cyrus’ wife, Linda, is a 4-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair Calico, who owns and operates a mime school in nearby Edmonds. She said she came home early one day, after forgetting some Cheez-Whiz, only to find the two men caught in a fiery embrace.

Linda said she’d caught the two in a scandalous embrace and threatened to expose them both

At first, Cyrus and Ralph denied the affair, saying that Linda was ‘seeing things.’ This continued even after neighbors spotted the two lovers kissing and hugging at a Coldplay concert just last June.

After the two came out as a couple to her one afternoon while she was drinking tea and eating an apple fritter, she promptly moved out of the house and is currently staying in a Motel 6.

According to reports, Ralph is spending so much time at Cyrus’ home, he may as well move in. “He even has some shoes and CDs there,” said one nosy neighbor. “The word is, he calls himself Mr. Ralph.”

Cyrus is living it up with his and Ralph’s relationship out in the open. He said he feels the worst is behind them now and they should be happy together.

Ralph, a married man himself, said he fell hard for young Cyrus

Not so says Cyrus’ wife, Linda. She says there will be Hell to pay when it comes to the divorce. No word yet from Ralph’s now estranged wife Betty, who is a 3-year-old, plastic, light-up Christmas Reindeer.

“We have been married for two years,” she told the Gazette. “My husband is an embezzler, a well-known thug, a compulsive liar, and as for that Ralph, well, he is a home wrecker, a terrible lawn mower, and a little shit to boot!”

Sources say that the Mafia ‘thug’ will pack up his bags with Ralph and move to Vermont, where they can now be legally married.

Cyrus said he fears no threat from his Mafia friends

“Ralph is very excited about being Cyrus’ husband, and likewise,” said neighbor Janie, who says she watched the two of them fall in love over the summer during rose pruning and other garden activities. “He doesn’t care what anyone says, he loves Cyrus. He just wants to make him happy and have kids with him.”

Others say now that Cyrus is ready for his life with Ralph he should flee the state quickly, before his Mafia friends can have him knocked off for admitting his same-sex preferences.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Thanks to Cheshire Glen

Sunday, November 1, 2009

People Who Own Cats More Likely To Have Cat Calendars Than People Who Do Not Own Cats, Study Finds

Seattle, WA

A new study out from the University of Washington found that people who own cats are more likely to have cat calendars than people who do not own cats and are more than 5 times more likely to own a small leather or plastic monthly planner with full-color cat photos inside it.

This groundbreaking study was conducted by the same group of graduate students and professors who found earlier this year that people who own cats are more likely to have cat hair on their clothing than people who do not own cats.

“We have a cat and we also have a cat calendar,” admitted Lisa Perkins, a 14-year-old, female Human Being who lives in Lynnwood. “We got it from Grandma at Christmas last year.”

Calendars such as the one shown above are among those discussed in the landmark study

Sometimes a correlation can be just a coincidence. Statisticians and mathematicians have ways to figure out whether correlations are coincidental or not. Even still, the best that you can say for a particular correlation is that it is unlikely that the correlation is merely a coincidence.

Running through the data, scientists found that people who owned cats both bought and received cat calendars more often than people who owned no cats, owned snakes, or who voted Republican, regardless of their occupation or income level.

Average cat owners own 2 cats per household, and for every cat owned above average, a study participant was 88% more likely to have a cat calendar in their home at that moment, for example.

Cat calendars often stereotype cats as ‘playful’ and ‘cute’

"People who had been long time cat owners, had recently adopted a cat, took in a stray, or even had hit a cat by accident while operating a moving vehicle, had a higher mean probability of having a cat calendar than someone who did none of those things," said Sandy Bottom, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who helped compile the data.

"Although these data apply merely to one country's possession of cat calendars (and/or planners), there are broad patterns here that may reflect similar tendencies across Western democracies in general, and so these data might have wider relevance beyond the United States," Sandy further stated.

What is cause and what is effect is not perfectly clear. Perhaps people who own cats are more likely to want to see or seek out pictures of cute, fuzzy, kittens, and/or cats, causing them to covet, buy, or receive cat calendars as gifts.

Some calendars feature pull-out kitten posters or full-color glossy prints

What is certain is that of the people who own cats, a startling number of them admitted to having a small leather or plastic month-to-month planner containing full-color cat photos or pull-out mini-posters inside them. None of the plumbers, sanitation workers, or sheet metal workers we interviewed reported having any such items.

“At this point in time I have a cat calendar at work, a few at home, and I also own a monthly planner, which I keep in my purse,” said one 44-year-old female Human under the condition of anonymity. “I like them. I like cute, cuddly, kitten faces, they make me happy,” she said.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: All From Cute Cat Calendars