Saturday, February 28, 2009

New Caribbean-Themed Spa For Cats Not Working Out As Planned

Seattle, WA

The natural beauty of the Pacific Northwest draws cats to the water's edge in search of the catch of the day. At the new Key West Kitty Water Park & Spa, two freshwater swimming pools are the perfect complement to the open Puget Sound where the park is situated. This new attraction, however, opened last week to some unfortunate reviews.

The Key West Kitty Water Park & Spa opened up for business at water's edge in downtown Seattle, vetted as a high-dollar, Caribbean-themed day spa and resort. Guests are invited to visit the new state-of-the-art 24-hour Dip-In Theater located on the second floor of the Bikini Atoll Plaza. Here, cats can view their favorite water-themed films such as Jaws, Lifeboat, Waterworld, and Titanic, while actually seated cozily in a small boat, bobbing in an enclosed pool, as if you were a survivor in one of the movies.

“It was not quite what I imagined, exactly” said Twinkie

Some of the guests didn’t quite savor the floating Titanic experience as much as the spa’s creator’s had hoped, however. “I was frickin’ terrified!” said Twinkie, a 14-year-old, Domestic Short Hair, female from Marysville. “I got soaked…it was horrid…I was not expecting real water, I was expecting Leo DiCaprio. It was not quite what I imagined, exactly.”

A cat spa is a place for relaxation and personal care treatments, they have become extremely popular over the past few years. There are several types of cat spa, including day spas, overnight spas, and destination spas. This new cat spa is a combination spa with a Caribbean theme.

The large, indoor, heated Outdoor Splash Pond promised cats of all ages the ability to satisfy their sweet tooth by fishing for their own exotic fish with spears or by hand at any hour of their choosing. “I don’t think that I really envisioned having to go into the water to catch the fish somehow.” said Axel, a 9-year-old, Domestic Short Hair Tabby male from Olympia. “I really don’t like the water…at all.”

Axel and other cats failed to understand the concept behind catching fish in the Splash Pond

Cats refused to go near the Catfish Dive Bar where they could drink cocktails and mocktails for free, while seated on plush barstools located just under the water at the sunken bar’s edge. Cats also stayed away from activities like scuba diving, jet-skiing, boating, skinny dipping, crabbing, and the water slide area.

The Key West Kitty Water Park & Spa boasts over 20 different water-themed attractions for cats

Cats were equally horrified at the Grotto Spa and Jacuzzi Center. “I was promised a hot rubdown…at least that is what I thought I was going to get.” said Mabel, a black and white Domestic Short Hair, who declined to give her age, “When they tried to get me into the water, I peed myself.”

Probably the biggest disaster of the spa center is the Lagoon Wave Beach. Cats who were at first lulled out onto the calm appearing sandy beach with their towels and mats, were terrified when huge, tsunami-like mechanically driven waves were cast onto the plastic palm tree laden beach to simulate the real Caribbean ocean.

Mabel admitted “…I peed myself.”

“Seriously, who thought that shit up?” asked one visitor, Loki, a 6-year-old Siamese male, “It should have been called ‘Horror Land’ or something. I want a refund. I had to take a fifteen hour nap to de-stress after I got outta that place.”

The spa also offered waxing, a concept not commonly offered to cats at most spas in this country. A full wax, bikini wax, or simple facial wax can be had free of charge, included in the price of entry. “I can sincerely tell you that the waxing was neither relaxing nor therapeutic.” Said Mango, a 14-year-old, female Himalayan Mix from Everett. “I must have been drunk to have tried that.” Waxing is done at the same time as aromatherapy and thereafter followed by pedicure and manicure if requested.

Mango tried the combination full-body wax and aromatherapy treatment

While all spas may offer the same type of treatment, the Key West Kitty Water Park & Spa offers cats more options for workers looking to relax without leaving the city. It also offers accommodations, so visitors are able to sleep and eat their kibble there. Over the last few years, medical spas have also become popular by offering treatments such as Botox and laser resurfacing. Although these options are not yet available at Key West quite yet.

Look for rates to drop in the near future as more and more negative reviews hit the air. Your best bet? Anywhere else, according to the travel writer at The Kitty City Gazette.

Be on the lookout for cheaper rates in the future

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Local Cat Captures Wild Band Of Dust Bunnies

Seattle, WA

It was a sunny winter afternoon at the Scott residence in the Greenlake area of Seattle where Homer Scott, an 8-month-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair was just about to settle down for his usual nap on the stairs. All seemed well and good until Homer spotted a roving band of wild dust bunnies making their way across the floor below him.

The dust bunnies had quietly started their movement, stealthily encroaching towards the hallway leading towards the bathroom from a hidden enclave in the corner under the china cabinet. “I sensed something was off.” Homer told Seattle police, who were later called to the scene to collect the captured dust bunnies. "Something was amiss, I could just smell it in the air."

Dust bunnies, a mass of very small particles of dirt, especially hair and skin particles, are formed and held clumped together by static electricity. Homer said that his momcat had always taught him to be wary of dust bunnies because they could potentially house dangerous parasites and/or dust mites.

The dust bunnies were “…huge…” said Homer

"My momcat always said that if I didn’t keep my room clean, that it would be haunted by dust bunnies, but I was keeping it real clean, so I instantly knew these were rogue dust bunnies." Homer stated. "She also told me that they can gather up inside of electronic stuff, like my computer and my Play Station 3 and make them get real hot and even break them!" Homer said that the imminent threat to his precious games and internet access was what forced him to act quickly to corral the dust bunnies and alert the police.

Homer stated that he was rubbing his nose in the warm carpet of the stairs, about to fall asleep in the sun, which was beaming down upon him from a high window, when a slight movement caught his eye and he jumped to full attention.

The house where Homer captured the dust bunnies

“At first,I saw just one dust bunny, then suddenly two, then three more came rolling out from under the cabinet. They were menacing, so scary and huge. I was really scared.“ Homer recalled stopping in his tracks when the dust bunnies seemed to multiply before his eyes and then made his decision to attack them. “Nobody else was home.” Homer continued, “I knew I had to take care of this problem all alone or not at all.”

Homer crept slowly down the stairwell at first and when the dust bunnies were just about at the opening of the bathroom door he quickly rounded the bottom stair and flew to the bathroom, pulling the door shut tight and subsequently trapping the dust bunnies inside the bathroom. He then stacked up enough old phone books high enough that he could reach the wall phone and promptly called the Seattle Police Department.

Homer’s brother, Hermes, called Homer a “true American hero...”

Police arrived on the scene within fifteen minutes and had their SWAT team at every window and doorway at the Scott house. They entered through the front door and began the removal of the dust bunnies. Evacuation of two neighboring houses was necessary to ensure public safety and security.

At the end of the day, no one was harmed, Homer’s momcat and his twin brother, Hermes, returned, declaring him a hero. “If Homer hadn’t been there, there is no telling where those dust bunnies could have gone.” Hermes said. “Homer is a true American hero, who protected my video games from possible high heat exposure, and I am forever grateful to him.”

The captured dust bunnies were eventually returned to the wild by a team of carefully trained University of Washington biology interns.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Friday, February 27, 2009

Ugly Cat Wins Defamation Lawsuit

Seattle, WA

"They would laugh when they fed me..."

Jabba, a 9-year-old, long-hair, rare Tortoise Shell male, used to live with his owners in Lower Queen Anne. He now resides in a plush pad of his own in the posh Vanguard Towers building in Bellevue after winning a lucrative defamation lawsuit in King County just last week.

Jabba sued his owners, Jim and Debra Skunk, originally of Snohomish, charging that they emotionally abused him, making fun of his strangely-shaped head and relative rotundity. Jabba stated in court documents that "...they used to tell guests that I was so fat that I was like two cats in one..."

Jabba teared up as he recalled their abuse "...and they laughed when they fed me, it was terrible. I still have eating issues." As Jabba gave his testimony, members of the jury were seen wiping back their own tears of sorrow for him.

The King County Courthouse in Seattle, WA

Jabba says that while he knew that he was binge eating to curb his intense emotional pain, he felt hopeless about life in general and could not find any motivation to stop. Doctors had even put Jabba on a trial of the anti-depressant Lexapro at one point. "I would cry myself to sleep" Jabba recalled. "They would call me names like 'monsterface,' 'pumpkinhead' and frankenstein'"

Jabba heard the abuse day in and day out for most of his nine years and then one day simply decided to sue. The landmark case generated much attention from the media. His owners did not show up to the courthouse despite the fact that there was a subpoena.

Jabba's lawyer presented a case to a jury of twelve that highlighted a life of emotional pain, addiction, and grief, interlaced with fluctuating eating issues. At one point Jabba went back and forth between periods of binge eating and near anorexia.

University of Washington psychiatrist Dr. Gin Gin said in an interview today that at the root of almost all eating disorders are serious self-esteem and self-hate issues, possibly ingrained since early cathood.

Feelings of being "not good enough" or feeling "worthless and ugly" are translated into eating issues and become a way of gaining control of the body in a world where one feels they have no control over anything.

Dr. Gin Gin is an expert in the treatment of eating disorders

After a two-week trial, the jury found Jim and Deborah Skunk guilty of emotional abuse and granted Jabba 2.5 million dollars for emotional stress, winning a successful defamation of character lawsuit in the King County Court System.

He has since changed his name to "Fluffy."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Young Kitten Admits On-Set Affair With “Oxy-Clean” Spokesman Billy Mays

Bellevue, WA

A local kitten is now in the middle of a firestorm debate as to the ethics of an on-set romance with infomercial king Billy Mays. The local cat, Biscuit, is a 6-month-old, orange and white Domestic Short Hair kitten, who was working for a catering company hired for the production company for the latest OxiClean infomercial shoot.

Employees said that Mr. Mays met Biscuit one afternoon while she was serving cocktail weenies and corndogs during a break in filming. The kitten, Biscuit, would not comment for this story.

William "Billy" D. Mays, born July 20, 1958, is a television infomercial salesperson most notable for his vigorous promotion of products such as OxiClean, Orange Glo, and other cleaning and maintenance mixtures. He is easily recognizable for his loud approach to selling or ‘pitching’ cleaning products, a neatly-trimmed, creepy beard, and is usually wearing a blue shirt.

Employees said he would spend his break time “…petting her…cuddling her…”

“Everyone knew Mr. Mays was married.” said Voltron, a 4-year-old, Siamese co-worker, “She (Biscuit) didn’t care, she just went after Billy.” Employees said that the affair started when Biscuit started hanging around the set after the shoots were done.

“She used to just be there for the catering set-up, but after her shift was up she’d find reason to stick around and see Billy.” Voltron said, sighing. “We all thought that Biscuit was too young to get involved with an older man, but she would not listen to us.”

Sources said that Mr. Mays became enamored with the young kitten, who hinted that she might pursue a career in broadcast journalism. This was reportedly how she drew his attention and eventually kept it.

Biscuit was once the catering company’s favorite cocktail weenie and corndog server

At one point Mr. Mays started to take voluptuous photos of her, stark furry naked, in his trailer. Staffers later saw him ogling the cute, cuddly photos on his smart phone and alerted the catering company. Someone reportedly emailed a photo of young Biscuit to Candace, Billy’s wife, to alert her to the scandalous affair.

“We all know and love Candace,” commented Voltron, “Candace was a frequent visitor to the set. She was always coming over to groom Billy’s beard, or to give him a crisp, clean, blue shirt. So when she stopped coming over, we knew that she knew what we knew.”

The Kitty City Gazette requested an interview with Mr. Mays, but received only an autographed photo

Workers at the catering and production company stated that Mr. Mays spent much of his down time in his trailer with little Biscuit, petting her, photographing, feeding, and cuddling her. Workers had a feeling that the affair would eventually become public knowledge and were worried about the repercussions.

The manager of the catering company finally confronted young Biscuit, who admitted the affair and her love for Mr. Mays‘ warm lap. She was forced to resign her job as cocktail weenie/corndog girl and leave the production studios at once with forfeiture of all pay and benefits.

Biscuit (through a press agent) announced plans to move to New York and has signed a contract with Ford Modeling.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Local Cat Feared Lost Amidst Bedroom Clutter

Seattle, Wa

Bing-Bing, a 6-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair female from the Blue Ridge neighborhood of Seattle was reported missing this afternoon after her momcat spent the morning in her messy, junk-filled bedroom trying to find her.

The messy cat, shown above, was last seen being overcome by a pile of shredded paper that had symbiotically formed itself into the shape of a large net. “Bing-Bing has a hard time taking the garbage out for some reason.” momcat Butter said in a statement to the police. “She is a hoarder by nature and things just pile up no matter what I try to do to stop it from happening.”

Bing-Bing was last seen by the paper shredder in the corner by the CD tower in this bedroom

Bing-Bing’s momcat had opened the door to her room to call her for breakfast when she noticed that Bing-Bing was no longer visible amidst the rising tide of crap. She had last seen Bing-Bing furiously shredding mysterious document after document, just that morning.

Hoarding is the storing of boxes, foods, money, and even money. Hoarding of food is a natural behavior in certain species of animals, but Bing-Bing reportedly carried it to the extreme to include all forms of product, clothing, books, computer hardware, even including garbage in her stacks. Bing-Bing’s behavior is said to be an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Butter said “…I have told her time and time again to clean that damned room, but she ignores me every time.”

Hoarding unnecessary possessions may be referred to as syllogomania or disposophobia according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM-IV). Many hoarders acquire, then fail to use or discard, and subsequently store, random and seemingly crazy items for future use. Hoarders are sometimes referred to as “pack rats.”

“She will eat in her room and leave the trash there and never pick it up.” Butter told policemen on the scene, “There is the faint smell of ripe cheese and bacon among the clutter…I have told her time and time again to clean that damned room, but she ignores me every time.“ Said Butter.

Bing-Bing has been on a trial of the Forest Labs pharmaceutical drug Lexapro as possible treatment for her hoarding, but the drug has yet to show any improvement in her behavior. Indeed, Butter said that since Bing-Bing began the drug, she has been collecting even more bizarre objects, including toilet cleaning brushes, dog biscuits specifically marketed toward Mastiffs, and even toenail clippings from the neighbor’s garbage cans.

One corner of Bing-Bing’s room houses stacks of hoarded electrical equipment

Police entered the house and began to photograph the clutter-filled bedroom, in awe of the collection of shit. “This…is a big mess.” said Captain Jess McDonald of the Seattle Police Department. “How can one cat be responsible for all this mess?”

Bing-Bing’s momcat said in a statement that she hopes the police will search the room and find Bing-Bing before her next dose of Lexapro is due, lest she suffer ill-fated withdrawal symptoms. “I know she is in that room somewhere…” Butter said, “It is just a matter of time before they reach her, it is my faith in the Lord that gives me strength during this difficult time.”

Cute, Cuddly Kitten Incites Frenzy, Deaths, In Petsmart Cute-Overload

Lynnwood, WA

This cute, cuddly, kitten, seen above and below, inadvertantly caused the deaths of five people and put two others in critical condition at Harborview Medical Center today.

The cute, plump, fuzzy, angelic, and sticky-sweet kitten, named Bucket, was discovered wandering at a local construction site, was rescued, and brought to Petsmart by Purrfect Pals for adoption. The kitten, so damn cuddly, innocent, precious, chaste, and sugar-coated, incited a riot of giddy excitedness from anyone who looked at it, eventually causing the five fatal heart attacks and two strokes from absolute total cuteness-overload.

"I am not entirely sure how it started" said Babs, a Petsmart employee "all of a sudden someone was holding up the kitten, the cutest, fuzziest, softest, most-pristine, honeyed, luscious kitten you ever, ever saw in your life, and the bodies started falling."

The kitten is so button-cute, dainty, inculpable, candy-coated, and perky, in fact, that you could hear ripe pealing squeals of "ooooooooooohhhhhhh" and "ohhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyy gaaaaaaawwwwwwwd..." even from the parking lot according to several witnesses. People standing outside the building had no idea what was going on inside and even thought there might be a terrorist attack at hand.

People who saw the doe-eyed, tender, love-godess of a kitten were so struck by its absolute cuteness that they dropped whatever they were doing and goggled like wild children. One woman was struck dumb, another woman lost her wallet and keys in the mayhem and with it all of her Christmas shopping money "I don't even care" she said, witholding her name so her husband doesn't get mad at her for losing the money "I mean, diiiiid youuuuuu SEEEEEEEEE THAT KITTYYYYYYYYYYY?"

Most people here have had the same reaction, although the kitten arrived here at only nine a.m., by one o'clock pm a total of five were struck dead from fatal cuteness-mania heart attacks. Two others lie now critical at Harborview with frozen smiles on their faces. Bucket is still up for adoption, but is being kept in a toweled-off cage, so not to incite more acute cuteness attacks.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Friday, February 20, 2009

Local Cat Tired From Heaping Praise On Self

Mukilteo, WA

After coming home from his job as a cookie baker and counter sales associate at Mrs. Field's Cookies, Jack, a 7-year-old black, neutered male, dove into his bag of takeout McDonald's cheezburgers.

"I've got alot of potential you know,I could do anything if I put my mind to it." Jack told his girlfriend, Isis, a spayed, 4-year-old, orange American Tabby. "I could actually make a cheezburger that tasted better than this if only I had the time."

Jack had been an employee at the Alderwood Mall Mrs. Field's cookie store for a little over a week. "I could run that place you know..." Jack said between bites, "I was just saying the other day that I should go to business school. I am really smart about that business stuff. During the day me and the guys, we surf the internet there and look for other jobs, and you know, we could do them, easily, too."

Jack is a baker and customer service clerk at Mrs. Field's Cookies

Jack said that if it weren't for the fact that he was so good at science, he would probably focus more on business studies. "I am really am an excellent science student. And in high school, I won a spelling bee too. If it weren't for the fact that I was taking band class I would have been class president or something easily."

"I was thinking about becoming an accountant, you know, they are in high demand." Jack told us. "I could possibly go to night school for accounting, but my talents lie in marketing too. I bet I could sell anything."

Jack put down his cheezburger and opened up his carton containing an apple pie. "These are so good. Really crispy, too. I bet I could bake one even better than this is if I put my mind to it. Think of the money I could make."

Jack believes "...I could do anything if I put my mind to it."

Jack said that he could probably make that really great apple pie, but if he was to quit his job, the place would probably fall apart without him. "They don't know how lucky they are to have me...the hours I put in there, they would be hard pressed to find someone else like me."

While watching the evening news Jack remarked that his future could possibly include politics as well. "I mean look at this stuff. I could fix the economy, I mean, it's simple."

Isis, a knitted hat maker, fully supports Jack in his every endeavor

Girlfriend Isis just looked sweetly at him, nodding, admiring his enthusiasm. "I might just go into politics at some point." Jack continued. "I could contribute so much because I have so many great ideas and I listen really well and could really help people out."

"I could probably have a hotter girlfriend if I really tried." Jack admitted, "I just don't really have the time for things like that right now, I have alot going on and have to play Guitar Hero with my friends alot. Sometimes I suprise myself by all the great ideas I get, I usually try to write them down or just memorize them."

After the news Jack put the remote down and decided to spend the evening in bed with a book. "I'm really tired tonight, I have been thinking so hard all day long. Ideas...about, just anything, you know?" He picked up his book, a copy of Twilight by Stephanie Meyer, "I just love this book, it inspires me to think that maybe someday I could become a writer...if I get the time."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Local Cat Blames "Cat Fancy" As Source of Eating Disorder

Edmonds, WA

An Edmonds cat released from her 28-day inpatient rehabilitation stay Tuesday now blames the magazine "Cat Fancy" for her eating disorder. Miss Mary Max(pictured above in her driveway)a 6-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, said in a statement to the press that she found the models on the cover of the magazine to be "too much to keep up with." Miss Max told a tale of woe that started with discovering a ragged and dog-eared pile of Cat Fancy magazines in the garage, next to her husband's litterbox.

"I confronted him about it" she said tearily "he said that he was only feline, and that he had no control over his need to look at this type of magazine." Soon afterwards her eating issues began.

The magazines made her feel bad about her self-image

Miss Max said that she began to be too critical of herself, comparing her plump, fluffy body in the mirror to the images of the svelte, underfed kittens in Cat Fancy. "I couldn't compete, those kittens are years younger than me" she said. It appears to be true that the kittens portrayed in this magazine are often young in years, often are purebreds, and usually are very slender. The magazine has faced this controversy before. In 2000, they were accused of setting up unfair expectations of body weight and size for young teencats.

Cat Fancy did not have much to say on this issue. "We try to mix in photos of older cats, but readers demands cute, cuddly, or sexy, svelte purebreds" said Jasper, a 9- year-old, neutered and former-Feral, Domestic Short Hair, who is the photo and content editor for the magazine. The photo on the left is just one example of the slim, purebred, fantasy cat personification that ultimately led Miss Max to a dangerous and life-threatening cycle of self-doubt.

Sadly, for Miss Max, those cute, cuddly kittens became an obsession that spiraled out of control. Miss Max began bingeing and purging her cat food whenever possible, avoiding naps in favor of extra mouse patrol, and at one point just flat out refused to eat. Doctors said that she had a rare mixture of both bulemia and anorexia, a very dangerous disorder that kills 10% of those affected.

Many models openly admit to being victims of eating disorders

Miss Max's husband, Malfoy, didn't help the issue by rebelling and hanging up the cute centerfold posters and even a kitty calendar in their garage just to spite her. "It got so I could barely stand myself" she said, "I felt that I was being objectified and that if I didn't look like those other cats...I wasn't pretty."

Twiggy, a model popular in the 1960's admitted to eating troubles in her past

Miss Max shed tears to Gazette reporters recalling the incidents, "No one deserves that, no one." Miss Max entered and completed an intensive course for treating eating disorders at the renowned "Center for Feline Wellness" in Edmonds, Wa.

She plans to divorce Malfoy, watch more Oprah, and work towards keeping a positive body image.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Monday, February 16, 2009

Obama And Cheezburger Cat To Work Together Signing Stimulus Into Law; “Yes, We Can Has Cheezburger”

Washington, DC

Public outcry for change has successfully lobbied and created a powerful new political duo in regards to the passing of the Cheezburger Stimulus Package. President Obama announced today an historic plan to sign the Stimulus Package into law tomorrow with the famed Cheezburger cat by his side.

“Cheezburger cat came to me quite some time ago.” President Obama stated, “He asked me that now famous question ‘I can has cheezburger?'” Mr. Obama reportedly teared up as he recalled the incident, an emotional moment never before seen during any speech or any other televised event. “I say to you, all of you, again, yes, you can has cheezburger, and indeed, tomorrow we will make it so.”

The Cheezburger Stimulus Package is said to now include two cheezburgers for every household

President Obama said that he had always considered working with Cheezburger Cat, but was not sure of the reaction he would receive from LOLdogs. “What we have to remember here, and let me just be clear, that this is not partisan politics. This is not LOLcat policy or LOLdog policy, this is American policy!”

“You have asked for this. “ President Obama said in a news conference today before a crowd of more than 8,000 screaming, cheezburger-loving cats, “You have asked for a Cheezburger Stimulus Package and we are here to give it to you today. I am proud to announce that I will now work directly with Cheezburger Cat to get this stimulus bill signed and enacted into law starting tomorrow, and ensure a cheezburger to every cat in good measure.”

President Obama said “…I will now work directly with Cheezburger Cat …”

Because the economy is fairing so badly, it will be very hard indeed to see the positive outcomes of the Cheezburger Package right away. It is likely that some from the other side of the political arena, the Republican LOLdogs for example, might say that there is no proof whatsoever that the Stimulus improved anything at all. However, LOLcats and Democrats everywhere will counter that the Cheezburger Stimulus Package may have very well prevented them from getting much worse.

President Obama is known to be Pro-Cheezburger

Regardless of the outcomes, the political impact of this meeting tomorrow of two of the greatest minds of the millennium, President Barack Obama, and Cheezburger cat, will echo throughout the halls of history as an epic achievement in bipartisan politics. LOLdogs and LOLcats must stand strong and stand together as the historic, and long-awaited, Cheezburger Stimulus Package is signed into law for the greater good of our nation.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Saturday, February 14, 2009

“Birth Control Glasses” Effective In Preventing Unwanted Pregnancy, Study Finds

Seattle, WA

In the future, cats who decide they want to have kittens later in life may have an easy option, a removable contraceptive device that stops potential partners from approaching and ultimately stopping pregnancies from occurring.

A recent 2 year study conducted by Planned Parenthood concluded last week has proven the efficacy of the devices preventing unwanted pregnancies.

In the study 100 cats ranging in age from 2 to 9-years-old, were fitted with ugly pairs of thick glasses and sent into bar rooms filled with drunk males.

Layla, a Boeing engineer, said the glasses are the best birth-control device she has ever used

In the bar room-type experiments the unsightly glasses quickly deterred even the most obviously inebriated males from attempting to hustle, grab at, feel up, or mate with the females.

In the two years the cats wore the glasses, none of them became pregnant. Females polled said the main benefit to the glasses is they do not require the removal of the ovaries and involves no pain or daily pills.

Disco said "No one's hit on me yet..."

The ugly glasses are thought to prevent the production of sex hormones by males, and the device is simply taken off when the time for having kittens is right.

The glasses were the idea of one cat, Jasper, a 15-year-old Domestic Short Hair. Jasper is a consulting physician at Planned Parenthood and based the project on his own dating experiences.

Males agreed the glasses are so ugly and off-putting to that an estimated 20,000 unwanted kitten pregnancies are believed to have been avoided.

Boo-Boo said that when his wife Clementine puts the glasses on, he isn’t “…turned on at all”

“I don’t want kittens until I am married.” said Layla, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The glasses mean they (males) won’t even come near me, I feel it is the right thing to do. They are the best birth-control device I have ever used.”

The "Birth Control Glasses" have been hailed as a Godsend by many females, who credit the glasses with putting a halt on their previously wild and promiscuous behavior and allowing them to focus on their studies.

The glasses are currently available only in Seattle. Similar in appearance to a set of glasses for humans, they are simply placed upon on the cat’s face to deter would-be suitors.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Sarah Palin Likes Cats. "All Of 'Em, Any Of 'Em..."

Seattle, WA

The former Republican Vice-Presidential nominee is back to her old job in Alaska. She took time out for the Kitty City Gazette to clarify her feelings about cats and an issue important to cats everywhere, involuntary spaying and neutering.

The Alaska Governor, a 44-year-old mother of five, studied journalism and political science at a total of six community colleges before graduating from the University of Idaho. Ms. Palin agreed to the interview in the interest of cats in Alaska and indeed, for the good of cats everywhere. After reading the transcript, domestic short hair Frederico said that he still wasn't sure what the topic of the interview actually was.

Kitty City Gazette reporter Sharyn Thoma-Guay conducted the interview with the Governor this morning. Here is the transcript of that interview.

Guay: Governor Palin, it has been said in the past that you do not actually like cats, that you are actually more of a dog person. How do you respond to those critical of the fact that you do not like cats and do you think that so-called ‘dog and cat people’ can reach a consensus?

Palin: Well, let’s see, thanks, Sharyn, there's ― of course in the great history of America, there have been rulings that there's never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues, again, like Roe v. Wade, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others but ― I think cats are okay, I mean, they have the fur.

Guay: But Governor, how do you respond to the people who say that you do not like cats?

Palin: Gee, um, I do like them, the cats, I mean, really I don't believe that Americans are going to support this and we will not support this.

Guay: Governor Palin, do you like cats?

Palin: I told the Congress, 'Thanks, but no thanks,' on that Bridge to Nowhere.

Guay: I can appreciate that, but Governor, do you like cats?

Palin: Oh, good, thank you, yes.

Governor Palin said "...I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't."

Guay: What type of cats do you like?

Palin: All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years.

Guay: I'm just going to ask you one more time - not to belabor the point, can you name me one specific type of cat that you like?

Palin: I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you.

Guay: Governor, would you support a moratorium on spaying and neutering to help average American cats keep their private parts?

Palin: That's something that others and I have also been discussing - whether that ... is part of the solution or not. You know, it's going to be a multi-faceted solution that has to be found here.

Guay: So you haven't decided whether you'll support it or not?

Palin: I have not.

Guay: What are the pros and cons of it do you think?

Palin: Oh, well, some decisions that have been made poorly should not be rewarded, of course. They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan.

Palin said "I'm a maverick!"

Guay: Okay...But, do you think it is a cat’s right to choose?

Palin: We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation.

Guay: Yes, thank you Governor, but again, do you support the cat’s right to choose?

Palin: I agree that a president’s job, when they swear in their oath to uphold our Constitution, their top priority is to defend the United States of America. I know that John McCain will do that and I, as his vice president, families we are blessed with that vote of the American people and are elected to serve and are sworn in on January 20, that will be our top priority is to defend the American people.

Guay: But Governor, the election is now over and we were speaking of cat reform.

Palin: Oh, good, thank you, yes. Well, I'm the mayor, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.

Guay: All right then Governor, I want to thank you for your time and the opportunity to speak with the Kitty City Gazette. It has certainly been a pleasure speaking with you and one that I will not soon forget.

Palin: Ok, uh, I’m a maverick!

After reading the transcript, neutered, Domestic Short Hair cat Frederico said "What The @#%$?"

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Friday, February 6, 2009

Despite $34 Billion Spent On Pet Products Each Year, Local Cat Says "I'm Still Gonna Rip Up Your Shit"

Lynnwood, WA

It is indeed a great time to be a cat. According to last year's financial reports, people in the United States this year owners spent an estimated $34 billion on their pets, which was almost double the amount spent just three years ago.

Pet owners treated their animals to fancy health spas, pet clothing, and other high-end products, including a newly-released array of gourmet and organic pet foods.

A plethora of cat amusements in a local pet store

“It is simple,” says local cat Mary Jane, a nine-year-old black Domestic Shorthair from Seattle, “our owners feel guilt for being such materialistic jerks and are trying to make themselves feel better by spoiling us to alleviate their guilt. They also feel the desperate need to please and to feel wanted, although this is more a trait of dog owners than that of cats.”

Mary Jane says she will " up your shit."

“You have to remember that this type of behavior is more about the owner’s feelings of emptiness than it is of love for the pet.” said Grendel, a neutered Siamese male from Shoreline who is also a specialist in the field of human behavior from the University of Idaho, “humans have a deep need to feel like they are taking care of things, in control, they need to be wanted.”

71 million homes in the US have pets, with cats and dogs being the most popular. This has led to a rich market of new, upscale pet products, services, and even health insurance because these people are dumb enough to buy anything in their quest for inner tranquility.

“The one thing you don’t seem to get is that no matter how much crap you buy me, I’m still gonna rip up your shit,” said Mary Jane “it is how I control you, it is not the other way around, and the humans I know need to learn this the hard way. I will not be appeased with some plastic crap you bought at Pet Paradise.”

This couch showcases one of Mary Jane's finer talent's, she put this couch to good use

Grendel also said spending on pet health insurance was sure to become a growth market and that there was a marked increase in consumer spending on grooming services such as pet hotels, bed and breakfasts, pet spas, and dog day care.

"The economy can go straight down the tubes," Grendel continued, "but people are still going to spoil their animals, you can count on it. After all, they are only humans."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Medium To Large-Sized Bug Seen On Local Wall

Forks, WA

All over the town of Forks there were reports coming in about a dramatic increase in the number of bugs seen on walls. Waco, a 2-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold male, pictured above, was interrupted in his rural while playing Halo 2 by the presence of a bug.

The bug was medium-sized, about the size of a quarter. Reports said that it first crawled very slowly up from the floor paneling and settled into a spot about one foot from the ceiling, where it stayed for almost two hours, not moving.

Waco reported the bug to his momcat, who urged him to "get" the bug. Waco reportedly threw down his Wii game controller and unleashed his long-forgotten talent, wiggling his bottom and attempting to scale the wall after the bug.

The bug defiantly stayed in one spot for the nest fifteen minutes, then tried unsuccessfully to climb higher, only to fall to the floor, where it was caught by young Waco. Waco triumphantly disabled the bug and ate it much to the delight of his momcat.

The medium-sized bug as seen on an Edmonds wall.

In recent weeks there have been many such sightings of bugs on walls. Just last week there were a total of fourteen spider and bug-related sightings in the town of Forks alone. Momcats everywhere agree that bugs on walls are a good thing, bringing back the entertainment of old and helping cats put down video games and get a bit of exercise.

"We have been trying to figure out how to pull Waco away from those video games." said Waco's momcat Bella, a spayed, 9-year-old, Domestic Long Hair female, originally from Jasper, Wyoming. "This bug thing is really helping out. We are glad to see more bugs on the walls these days, it is what cats are meant to do indoors, not waste their minds on violent video games."

Waco spends most days playing video games

Indeed many other momcats agree with Bella. Teencat surveys show that the leading activity in most households now is playing video games, not bathing, napping, and biting others, as was once all the rage.

"Those video games are destroying my son's childhood and robbing him of his creativity. Now I see him glancing up at the walls more often, eyes black, hoping to catch real prey instead of wasting time on Rock Band." Bella stated.

"I like bugs" says Waco

Waco said that for the most part, he prefers playing video games, such as Harry Potter and Wii bowling to catching bugs, but that he is willing to give up a few hours of gaming and get normal cat exercise if it makes his momcat happy.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay