Thursday, April 29, 2010

Local Cat Says “Battle Stress” Made Him Pee On Countertops

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat says “battle stress” resulting from playing the Xbox game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare led him to routinely and compulsively pee on countertops.

The cat, Seamus, a 5-year-old, neutered, Russian Blue, has reportedly been “peeing on and marking kitchen and/or bathroom countertops, specifically corner areas, for over a period of 6 months” according to police.

Battle stress, also referred to as post traumatic stress disorder, is a term often used to categorize behavior resulting from the stress of war. Common symptoms include fatigue, slow reaction, indecision, disconnection from reality, and the overeating of cookies.

Realistic and violent scenes like this one may have contributed to Seamus’ battle stress

Seamus said he would play the game for hours on end, sometimes forgoing sleep and food, because the game was so engrossing and realistic.

Shortly after, he was caught peeing on the countertops at odd hours, sometimes black-eyed and crouched into strange positions, as if expecting enemy attack.

“I knew I was in trouble when one time I was watching a home movie with friends,” said Seamus. “In it, someone came suddenly came out of a door and into the room, I instinctively grabbed my remote and tried to ‘shoot’ them with it. It was very embarrassing.”

Seamus said this specific kitchen countertop corner gave him a “great covering fire” position

Like many veterans suffering from combat stress, Seamus had begun to withdraw from others, talk to himself, and eat crunchy peanut butter by the forkful.

Seamus reportedly even wore the same pair of Calvin Klein underpants for 4 months straight, believing them to be “lucky” and refused to wash them. Eventually, his family staged an intervention.

“When he did talk, it was cryptic,” said ex-girlfriend Lady Isadora Daisy Bingmann-Ryan, a 1-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “He would talk in code and tell me that since I was a civilian, I couldn’t understand. He asked me to start calling him ‘Hitman Actual.’”

Izzie told the Gazette Seamus would instruct her to “…hide up there are watch my six”

In the first year of the game‘s release, 1,019 cats were incarcerated for various forms of urinary and other misconduct, said a game representative, who coordinates a combat stress program.

At least 329 of the cats showed evidence of serious mental health problems, which they attribute to the “realistic violence and excitement” of the video game.

Seamus’ family urged that "any cat or dog who commits particularly uncharacteristic misconduct following any virtual deployment be aggressively screened for stress disorders and treated."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Seamus Photos: Thanks to Seamus
Izzie Photo: Thanks to Jenny Lee Ryan

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Chicken Found Near Dumpster Was Murdered, Say Police

Edmonds, WA

The remains of a dead chicken have been found near a dumpster off Highway 99, Edmonds Police said.

Authorities first believed the victim jumped from the side of the dumpster in an apparent suicide attempt, but further investigation revealed multiple stab wounds and a missing leg.

CSI units stated the victim, whose name has not yet been released, was stabbed repeatedly in the breast and thighs with a plastic knife and fork late Monday night in the parking lot of an Albertson’s store.

One of the witness who found the remains also saw a fork nearby

The Chicken, a 3-hour-old Lemon Pepper Flavored Pre-Cooked Deli Chicken had been staying at the Albertson’s Deli with friends before she disappeared.

A witness found the chicken’s body laying prone on the pavement, a fork and unopened packet of ground pepper by her side and called police about 6:30 p.m.

EMTs at the scene tried to resuscitate the chicken and apply BBQ sauce, but it was too late.

The victim was found stabbed near this dumpster

“It smelled really good,” said Alec, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “I know it’s sad, but it made me hungry.”

Police cordoned off the area surrounding the dumpster for further investigation. “It’s not a pleasant thing to deal with for everyone involved,” police said.

Since the Albertson‘s Deli began serving hot, ready-to-eat Chicken some years ago, more than 2,000 Chickens have lost their lives, causing the area near the deli to sometimes be locally referred to as “Suicide Ridge.”

"It smelled so good" stated a witness

In 2002, the store underwent a $10-million renovation that included the installation of a multi-Chicken rotisserie oven and two new hot deli counters.

No further details were available at press time.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Who's hungry for BBQ?

Monday, April 26, 2010

Toilet Paper Tastes Bad, Cats Say

Mukilteo, WA

Local cats gathered in a town hall-styled forum Monday night to debate the merits of eating toilet paper.

Seventeen cats in all, ranging in age from 1 to 14 years of age met in the local library to discuss outcomes and long term expectations.

"Toilet paper tastes bad," said Muggles, a 4-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair. "Really bad, but for some odd reason, I still try a bit off every new roll."

"I think toilet paper tastes bad" said Muggles

Cats noted no matter what was eaten with the toilet paper, it still tasted awful. One cat stated toilet paper was problematic when caught in the teeth.

Quilted toilet paper was deemed the easiest to rip apart and chew. Double-strength rolls were decidedly much harder to shred. Single-ply, cheap toliet paper was declared the easiest to rip the shit out of and create the biggest mess with.

Different colors, prints, and textures were discussed at length over coffee and fritters, but the result was quite often the same.

Paco has heard that colored toilet paper tastes really bad, too

Older cats recalled days of eating colered toilet paper, but with similar results.

"Colored toilet paper was a sort of fad of the late 70's and early 80's" said Paco, a 6-year-old,spayed, Domestic Short Hair, "I never saw any in my day, but I have heard rumor that it tasted nasty."

"We really aren't sure why Humans put it there, so we try it and see" said Panda, a 7-year-old former-Feral male. "It simply infuriates them. I believe this is why we do not quit doing it. It is interesting that humans react to us eating it. It is fun to make a real mess out of everything and then see them forced to clean it up"

Toilet paper tastes pretty bad

Easting of paper towels and bath towels was discussed, as well as the taste of dryer sheets, lint, socks, underwear, and t-shirts.

The discussion group will meet again, if needed, to discuss the merits of further toilet paper sampling studies or to propose mandate on effective toilet paper controlling and collecting.

There was discussion of the merits of using condiments on toilet paper in the future to possibly improve its taste. "I heard that models in New York City eat toilet paper so they don't gain weight," said Ziggy, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair, "It just makes me wonder if they are on to something there."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Lost Dinner Fork Found Dead On Lynnwood Street

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat is in custody today after DNA evidence linked him to the apparent murder of a dinner fork found today.

Early Sunday morning, according to Lynnwood Police reports, a local cat was jogging on his usual route when he came to a fork in the road.

The victim, a 10-year-old, Stainless-Steel Dinner Fork, had been reported missing from the Pine Cone Cafe Friday night.

Witness Ellie reported the sad finding of the murdered fork

Sadly, the fork was found smashed flat onto the pavement of 64th street in a quiet Lynnwood neighborhood.

“I was shocked…absolutely shocked,” said witness, Ellie, a 4-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair after discovering the fork. “I’d never seen such carnal violence.”

Police arrived and brought with them a mobile CSI unit which immediately identified traces of peanut butter on the tines of the dead fork, thus labeling the incident a wrongful death.

Cory is a known felon and peanut butter addict

Police have released DNA test results from the peanut butter residue which are an exact match to a local cat named Cory, a 12-year-old neutered Long-Haired Siamese Mix. Police also said Cory is a known felon and peanut butter addict who was seen in the area recently with peanut butter smeared on his face.

"Technology has made this an open and shut case," said forensic investigator Mark Graham. "In this case, it led us right to the doorstep of the killer."

The name of the missing fork is being withheld until next of kin is notified.

The scene of the crime was preserved by police for CSI investigators

Police believe the unnamed fork was walking home from work eating peanut butter when either robbed or assaulted.

Whether the murder was accidental or planned will determine the sentence given to Cory, who is now in police custody on $250,000.00 bail.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Fork Photos: Sharyn
Cat Photo Courtesy: Cory's mom, Lori

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April Fool’s Day Joke Sends Local Cat Into Depression

Lynnwood, WA

An April Fool’s Joke gone awry has sent one local cat into depression and has angered his friends and family.

On April Fool’s Day morning Jared, an 11-year-old Domestic Short Hair male, was eating an apple fritter and watching his favorite actor and notorious cat lover, Billy Mays, guest star on ‘The View’ when he heard a knock at the door.

“I looked out the peephole and saw two ducks standing there.” said Jared. “One was holding a book and they both had name tags on.”

Jared opened the door and was pleasantly greeted by the male duck, who introduced himself as Sinclair. The duck then said he was a member of the Church of St. Sebastian and asked Jared if he had ever considered becoming a duck.

The ducks were in Indio on an extended migration

Sinclair, a 1-year-old Mallard Drake, reportedly gave Jared reading materials covering the benefits of being a duck.

Sinclair told Jared that if he became a duck he would be joining a group of nearly 10million ducks in America, be able to take flight from water almost vertically, and fly up to 70 feet per second.

“I have always really liked ducks.” said Jared, “I had never really thought of ever becoming one, but the more I listened to what he had to say, the more I realized what I was missing.”

Friends said Jared is sleeping with a stuffed duck at night for comfort

“I grew up Catholic, so I have the whole guilt complex thing.” said Jared. “The more I thought about becoming a duck, the more I could see myself being free and happy.”

Sinclair and his traveling companion, Betty Lou, told Jared that another benefit of becoming a duck is the comfort of a monogamous relationship and extended vacation periods, or ‘migration’ seasons.

Mallard Ducks usually have the longest migration of any duck, extending from late summer to early winter. They usually begin their migration back to the breeding grounds in March and April.

The ducks said they represented the Church of St. Sebastian

“Imagine having that much vacation!” exclaimed Jared, “I have been working for the same company for 5 years and all I get is three weeks a year. It really sounded great to me. I asked them why ducks fly south for the winter and they said it is too far to walk.”

Just when Jared agreed to go with the ducks to their church, the ducks laughed and shouted “April Fool’s!” leaving poor Jared at the door, in tears.

“They ran off…” Jared said, “They just left me standing there, full of hope.”

Jared called his mom and told her about the incident. She immediately called the Lynnwood Police Department and filed a complaint, but said that Jared is ‘inconsolable.’

Friends who tried to reach Jared said he is not returning phone calls and one friend who went to visit Jared stated that they found him alone, sleeping on the couch, clutching a stuffed duck.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma