Depressed PC Jumps To His Death Over The Threat Of The New iMac

Seattle, WA

On a sad note today a 4-year-old, metal and plastic, Hewlett Packard computer named Herman leapt out a window to his death after a fight with his wife.

The PC had chewed himself free of his Samsung 17" flat screen monitor and printer cables, and after pushing out the window screen in the study where he lived, jumped 2 stories down to his untimely death.

Police investigators interviewed neighbors, who said they heard the couple fighting increasingly often. The death has been officially ruled a suicide.


Wife Betsy said he “flat-out refused” to download the latest Windows updates

According to police, various neighbors reported hearing his wife Betsy, a 5-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, “screaming at him, hitting his keyboard in frustration, and threatening to leave him for a brand new iMac.”

"You could see them fighting through the window of their house…see her goading him on," said another source. "She'd flip out and tell him he was too slow then push his power button on and off, yelling at him and pulling at his mouse. He just sat there, helpless.”

Betsy admitted she regrets the abuse she heaped on him, but stated he had been in poor health of late and had “flat-out refused” to download any new Microsoft Windows updates to improve himself.


Neighbors lament the sad death of the PC, “it’s just wrong” said one

"We got in fights, like, every night," Betsy admitted. "He'd just start moving really slow and then just freeze up and stop responding to me. Once he even called me ‘invalid!’”

"It was so frustrating with him," Betsy continued. "He just got to a point where all he did was give me error messages. It was like he just couldn't do more than one thing at a time."

"It was only a matter of time," said one close family insider on the condition of anonymity. "She was telling everyone how bad his 'performance' was. She said he couldn't go very long without freezing up on her."


Betsy was seen canoodling with this sleek new iMac at the local mall

A local mall employee called police after seeing Betsy's photograph in the paper, saying he had seen her just the week before at the Apple store cavorting with a sexy, young iMac.

"They were all over each other," said the source. "She was gazing into (the iMac's) screen and holding his mouse. She ought to be ashamed!"

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Photo: Katie (as Betsy) Thanks to Debbie Glovatsky
IMac Photo: Courtesy of apple.com