Chihuahuas Sought In Lynnwood Road Rage Incident

Lynnwood, WA

Lynnwood police need the public's help to find a pair of Chihuahuas they say threw cheese and bread slices out a window onto the head and vehicle of a cat Tuesday in a what is being called a road-rage incident.

The cat told police she was driving north on Interstate 5 about 4:15 p.m. when she saw an older model, jacked up, dark gray, van with chrome rims weaving erratically between lanes.

“The car was at once backfiring and lurching back and forth violently,” said Marlowe, a 9-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The (Chihuahuas) inside were laughing, funny-smelling smoke was pouring out from their open windows, and they seemed oblivious to traffic.”


The Washington State Patrol is currently searching for a vehicle matching this description

After the car forced her into another lane, Marlowe told police one of two Chihuahuas inside the car saw her, became suddenly crazed, and proceeded to throw slices of processed American cheese and white bread from the window of the van into the path of her car.

One slice of bread came through her open window, she said, and became lodged around her head, nearly causing her to lose control of her vehicle. Other slices of cheese and bread slapped onto her windshield and the hood of her car. Neither the bread nor the cheese caused structural damage.

The cheese slices had been unwrapped from their individual plastic wrappers, and were “sticky,” Marlowe said. The white bread was unremarkable. Terrified, she quickly pulled to the side of the road and alerted police.


A description given of the driver seems to match that of Julio, a wanted and well-known member of the Texas Mexican Mafia

Marlowe said she lost sight of the van after it took an exit in South Everett. After meeting with sketch artists, the State Patrol released a composite sketch of the driver, a description of the second Chihuahua was not given.

Police say the description of the Chihuahua exactly matches that of a Texas Mexican Mafia member named Julio Gustavo Ortega Jimenez Gonzalez Phillipe Estevez Calderon Encarnation, who eluded police in Oregon a month ago. If you have any information regarding this incident please contact the Lynnwood Police or the Washington State Patrol.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

New City Budget Increases Spending On Donuts, Cookies

Edmonds, WA

In Edmonds today, cats submitted their annual 2013 budget request to the State. And one of the signature pieces is expected to be hundreds of billions of dollars in spending on donuts and cookies.

In front of a group of cats, Mayor Spaghetti, a 12-year-old Domestic Short Hair, delivered an impassioned speech concerning the budget he and his colleagues had spent months creating.

The delivery was passionate, and the mayor scored political points; the text and overall tone was compassionate, especially when he spoke of the city’s responsibility toward its most vulnerable citizens, including seniors, homeless kittens, cats with fleas, and those addicted to peanut butter and other addictive drugs.


Donuts like these will receive billions of dollars in funding in 2013

"Today it is time to continue making better choices," said Spaghetti. "Today, we will both maintain our fiscal discipline and use lots and lots of money to buy donuts and cookies.”

The governor's budget includes many things: $219 million more in funding for maple bars and apple fritters, $166 million more in funding for crème-filled, old-fashioned, and jelly-filled donuts, $49.7 million in new funding toward scones, French twists, and crullers, and a $33.5 million down payment towards snickerdoodles, oatmeal raisin and chocolate chip cookies.


Mayor Spaghetti said he believes investing in donuts is an investment in happiness

There is also the matter of the city's pension fund. The mayor proposed a $1.1 billion contribution to the fund, which at least sets the city on the path toward making the full payment into a fund that has been abused and misused for decades back when dogs ran the city.

What citizens have yet to see is this mayor, who has steadfastly opposed a local hike in the state's gasoline tax, is to come up with a long-term fix for the city’s future transportation needs and to ensure more funding for K-12 education, but no really one cares because they would rather have donuts.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

New Depression Treatment Gives Hope To Down Pillows

Lynnwood, WA

For three years of her life, Fiona, a 600-Fill, Down Pillow from Eddie Bauer, didn't laugh. Diagnosed with depression at age two, the now five-year-old went through medication after medication.

“Some of the pills that were prescribed to me made me so tired I just laid around in bed all day long,” she said. “It got so bad I stopped washing my pillow case and I was losing feathers all over the place. That is no way to live.”

Then in January, Fiona began a relatively new drug-free treatment for depression, FDA-approved for pillows who do not respond to anti-depressants. Trans-pillow magnetic stimulation (TPMS) therapy is a non-invasive pillow treatment that activates nerve cells involved in mood control and depression.


Doctor Matty, who has been treating Fiona for 2 years, said he is amazed at her rate of recovery

"I had all the trappings of a good life,” Fiona said. “A stable job on a nice bed, plenty of feathers, and a boyfriend, but when you are depressed you don't appreciate that emotionally and I knew I needed more help.”

During the new treatment, the pillow is seated in a chair with a headrest. A measuring tool is used to determine exactly where the electromagnetic device should be placed.

The magnetic device delivers a pulse to the feathers for four seconds, stops for 26 seconds and then delivers a pulse for four seconds. The pillow feels only a slight vibration. Some pillows may have a tender spot on their pillow case for the first few treatments, but that usually goes away.


Up to 70% of pillows treated report full recovery, without drugs

"It was totally life-transforming," Fiona said. "I recommend it to any pillow who hasn't been able to get help from anti-depressants, who thought what they are feeling is as good as it gets."

"I saw Fiona’s life change with this," said her doctor, Matty, a 15-year-old Domestic Short Hair who specializes in depression and sleep disorders. "She literally went from lying around crumpled on the floor to doing daily yoga and pilates, and now she lets me sleep on her whenever I want.”

More recent studies, in which pillows are gradually taken off drugs while undergoing the treatments, show as many as 70 percent of the pillows recovering. “Unlike anti-depressant pills,” Matty said, “the feather-stimulation treatment is excellent in that it has no known long-term side-effects.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Sea-Turtles Continue To Face Discrimination In The Workplace

Lynnwood, WA

More than three decades after Congress passed a law trying to protect Sea Turtles in the workplace, discrimination is still widespread and needs to be combated with publicity and clearer guidelines, according to testimony yesterday at a federal hearing.

The issue of workplace discrimination was highlighted two weeks ago in Seattle when a federal judge ruled against a 42-year-old Loggerhead Sea Turtle named Myrtle who said he was fired after asking for a small selection of crabs, conchs, and shrimp to be added to the lunchroom wending machine.

Discrimination against Sea Turtles includes refusal to hire based on species, random firing, being forced leave without pay, being denied a place to swim during breaks, and being barred from sources of fresh saltwater, witnesses told the five-member EEOC panel at a hearing on the issue.


Spaghetti has been championing the cause of Sea Turtles and other Marine Reptiles since graduating Gonzaga Law School in Spokane

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s legal counsel, Spaghetti, a 7-year-old Pug, said the agency had resolved 38,000 Sea Turtle cases since 2008, with $150 million paid out in damages.

“Sea Turtles are generally known to be good workers,” said Hirum McBagby, an 11-year-old Scottish Fold who owns a small metal fabrication shop in Lynnwood, “But you have to flood the entire office with salt water if you hire one, and that can get expensive.”

Other employers said hiring Sea Turtles can be costly. “Sea Turtles are really cute,” said Chaplin, a 13-year-old Domestic Short Hair who owns a bakery and has previously employed Sea Turtles. “Other (employees) are always stopping and staring at them, it creates a lot of on-the-clock downtime and just isn’t cost-effective.”


Chronically unemployed Sea Turtles feel a major socio-economic impact

Decades after the passage of the 1977 Sea Turtle Anti-Discrimination Act, discrimination reaches from the shop floor to the executive suite, with oceanic stereotyping a major factor. It is found in every state, but is more likely to hit Sea Turtles in low-income jobs, they said.

“This many years after the Sea Turtle Anti-Discrimination Act, we still have employers who still don’t understand the basics. Are we getting the word out on fundamental issues?” said Spaghetti, who vowed to never give up fighting for Sea Turtles.

The hearing came ahead of the scheduled May 2012 release of the EEOC’s four-year Marine Reptile and Crustacean Strategic Hiring plan, which hopes to give employers direction on how to combat further discrimination.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Blues-Fighting Goodness Found In Donuts, Cheeseburgers, Cats Say

Seattle, WA

A University of Washington researcher is among four cats who argue that eating two to three donuts and/or cheeseburgers a day may slow or completely stop signs of depression, improve overall mood, and promote feelings of happiness.

They describe how the sugary, sweet goodness of a powdered sugar-coated, raspberry jelly-filled donut and the cheesy, moist, saltiness of a hot cheeseburger, eaten separate or together, may help control and even elevate mood in a paper published today in the journal Nature.

The cats came to their conclusion while eating donuts and cheeseburgers watching late night television. They found their moods highly elevated after each of them ate at least three to four servings of the items in no particular combination and began trying to determine if a correlation and/or causation was present.


“The cheeseburgers, they made us real happy,” said Chesty

"The assumption was that eating (the donuts and cheeseburgers) made us happy," explained Chesty, a 9-year-old Domestic Short Hair, he is the UW Associate Professor of Molecular Biology and Biochemistry who co-authored this paper.

While Chesty and his colleagues noted that the donuts and cheeseburgers seemed to work without error, it did not stop them from trying the experiment repeatedly with placebo foods such as corn dogs, baby back ribs, fried chicken, kung pao shrimp, hot waffles, ice cream sundaes, meatloaf, vegetarian egg rolls, kettle corn, pastrami sandwiches on rye bread, beef tacos, sausage biscuits with gravy, roast beef, fish and chips, spaghetti, moo-shu pork, Marshmallow Fluff, sweet potato pie, Boston baked beans, chicken vindaloo, guacamole, corn on the cob with butter, milkshakes, whole chocolate bars, lasagna, bacon, mayonaisse sandwiches, chocolate cherry cheesecake, Hot Pockets, peanut-butter-filled pretzels, Boston creme pie, smoked salmon, pancakes,Chicken Marsala, elephant ears, mega burritos, denver omlettes, turkey club sandwiches, hot meatball subs, garlic bread with dipping sauce, pulled pork tacos, chicken pad thai, red pepper-baked shrimp, garlic french fries, hot spun cotton candy, goat milk yogurt, peanut butter, Pop-Tarts, pizza, and apple fritters.

In fact, the altered pattern of holistic junk food consumption seemed to work even better and activated other sensations of pleasantness and satiety, which in turn triggered a variety of cellular processes that seemed to stimulate happiness. The food made them happy, they said.


Scientifically speaking, the cats believed the mood elevations occurred because the foods they chose were “yummy.”

Chesty and his colleagues draw on two important facts to support their conclusion.

"First, we need food to survive," explained Chesty. "Second, other cats have previously shown that eating tasty foods improves and enhances overall mood and disposition."

Chesty says he and his research partners will now work even harder find out exactly which other junk foods may help elevate mood and under what circumstances they should be eaten.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Working, Thinking, Takes a Toll on Mental Health, Study Finds

Seattle, WA

In an era of recession and 9.7 percent unemployment, no cat needs to be told that getting a job is good for the bank account. Thankfully, new studies have shown gaining “meaningful” employment also undermines a less-obvious measure of well-being: mental health.

A new Gallup poll finds that a majority of part-time and full-time employed cats describe themselves as "on the brink of madness." They were also more likely to report depression, binge eating, and feelings of sadness, rage, and worry than their unemployed, relaxed counterparts.

“Such psychological turmoil isn't surprising” says Boo Boo, a 13-year-old Siamese Associate Professor of Public Health at the University of Washington, who studies the relationships between economic trends and psychological well-being.


This cat was hospitalized for panic disorder, night terrors, and compulsive thinking after just one day of actual employment

"The finding is very consistent that employment is related to higher incidence of serious mental disorder and depression," he said. “As previous studies have found, it appears any type of physical labor or work, whether real or imagined, is bad for your health.”

Gallup questioned 40,000 adult cats about their employment status, emotions and activities. Negative emotions were more common among the employed, 98 percent of whom reported feelings of worry and constant jelly-donut cravings, 94 percent of whom reported sadness, constant swearing and scratching, and fits of road rage while commuting.

In addition, 91 percent of the employed cats said they'd been told by a medical professional they had chronic depression, a number that was less than .001 percent for cats who were unemployed.


Working and sadness go hand-in-hand, whereas successfully doing nothing all day can lead to a relaxed life and contentment

The poll represents a snapshot in time and can't be used to determine specifically if employment causes depression or if depressed cats are more likely to seek jobs. But longitudinal research — which follows the same cats over many years — suggests that working does decrease overall psychological well-being.

"Our research finds that gaining employment lead to a massive increase in symptoms of depression," Boo Boo said. “When cats work even one hour a day there ends up being not enough time for ample napping, grooming, eating, and playing.”

Boo Boo’s study found that cats who work are more likely to begin to misuse alcohol and have crying spells after getting a job than cats who do nothing all day.


Working creates a hostile environment for cats, who have since learned that it is better to take a nap or bath instead

Indeed, the bulk of cat employment research has been pessimistic. In 1998, a study from Seattle Pacific University found employed cats were twenty-seven times as likely to die from suicide as the unemployed.

Sharyn thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Godzilla Admits He Was A Victim Of Bullying As A Young Reptile

Edmonds, WA

In an exclusive interview today Godzilla told the Kitty City Gazette he was bullied as a young reptile.

Long before he crushed cars, buildings and countless Japanese people to death, Godzilla, a 56-year-old, Giant Daikaiju Monster, said he was “viciously teased” by classmates who mocked his shyness, short arms, and the strange way he walked.

Godzilla, who has admitted to eating small children in the past, said he threw his very first punch at the age of just 5 when a Pug took one of his beloved Barbie dolls and ate it. As Godzilla grew older the bullying by his peers spread until he became a neighborhood target.


Pugs, so often the victims of acts of bullying and embarrassment themselves, are well-known for their acts of bullying others

Godzilla said one afternoon a bunch of school-age cats ridiculed him for looking like a cross between a giant gorilla and a fat whale. “I just lost it and started eating train cars,” he said, “and from that moment on, violence became my answer to everything I didn't like.”

Godzilla’s mother Linda, who is a telemarketer, said the attacks and bullying gradually became so bad she feared for Godzilla's safety every time he left their cave. "I worried about what it was doing to his head,“ she said, “he was so much bigger than the other kids, but he lacked self-esteem and learned to react negatively."

Linda stated she hopes now her son’s attempt to come to terms with his past will help other young people and monsters today who may be victims themselves.


“I just lost it and started eating train cars,” Godzilla said

“(The bullying) made me so angry,“ said Godzilla. “And over the years I took it out on others, often violently.”

Godzilla said bullies would trip him, pin him down, and pour dog food in his mouth, then kick him between the legs calling him names like “monster face” and “retard.”

Experts agree the experience of being bullied can end up causing lasting psychological damage to victims. This is self-evident in Godzilla’s case, where his anger and frustration culminated later in the mass destruction of cars, buildings, and even entire Japanese cities in his search for catharsis.


Experts say bullying often leads to more bullying behavior

These days Godzilla lives with his mother and said he has no more problems with his self-esteem. He said he feels he is “finally mentally strong and centered” and says he now enjoys his free time playing Warcraft and is adept at ping-pong and yoga.

He and his mother hope to travel the rest of the Pacific Northwest and discuss reasons why bullying only leads to further and sometimes much more violent bullying.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large