Thursday, January 29, 2009

Obama Renews Pledge "Yes, You Can Has Cheezburger" As Cheezburger Stimulus Package Passes House


Washington, DC

As the Kitty City Gazette previously reported, President Obama promised us he would bring change to Washington and he has, not just in the political arena, but in the new, relaxed, candor he communicates as well.

Lunch today after the passing in the House of the Cheezburger Stimulus package was celebrated with, what else? Cheezburgers. It has become a sort of subliminal message to cats everywhere. Cheezburgers show symbolically that Mr. Obama is looking out for every cat, renewing his promise that "Yes, you can has cheezburger."

Mr. Obama has only been president a little over eight days, but his promise to bring cheezburger reform to cats everywhere is being honored and indeed celebrated in the White House.

Through the many years, there are many traditions still held sacred within the White House. Mr. Obama has decidedly maintained the longstanding presidential tradition of weekly lunches with his vice president, Mr. Joe Biden. Today, lunch meant a cheezeburger, served medium-rare, in his small dining area off the Oval Office.


The President likes his cheezburgers done medium-well, and not necessarily on a plate

The two men discussed the success of the Cheezburger Stimulus package. In it, several things vital to cats are made clear. First, that cats receiving unemployment could receive benefits longer with a proposed extension, a tax cut is possible for qualifying families to jump start the economy and hopefully allow them more access to cheezburgers, and there is a proposal to reimburse cats for expenses accrued for worker retraining.


President Obama said the economy is "...sick."

"The economy is very sick," President Obama said between bites. "The situation is getting worse. We have to act and act now to break the momentum of this horrible cheezburger recession."

It was a very relaxed day full of politics and cheezburgers. A very different White House indeed. Of Mr. Obama, one of his lunch guests, retired Rear Adm. John D. Hutson stated “He looked around and said, ‘I’ve got to do something about these plates. I’m not really a plates kind of guy.’ ”

Despite the feel-good atmosphere, tough topics were discussed at long length. There are now more than 10.3 million cats and kittens out of work, leaving them to always have to humbly ask ‘I can has cheezburger?’ The fundamental solution proposed by Mr. Obama is to get the Stimulus package through the Senate and to ensure that every cat can and will has cheezburger(s).


Vice-President Joe Biden has long been a supporter of Cheezburger Reform

There are now, however, many angry statements and questions coming from the Senate, including the vocal Maverick John McCain, who earlier stated that he would not vote yes on a stimulus package that did not include provisions for Hot Dog reform.

The Cheezburger Stimulus package was presented by Democrats as a responsible government action, set upon at a time when government intervention is desperately needed, and every single Republican in the House voted against it.


Lois said he greedy bosses would fire her if it came down to the cost of a new Cadillac or her keeping her job

His views are echoed by many other cats in the minority. Lois, a 7-year-old, Calico secretary cat, who works in the area of the National Mall, is a staunch Republican. Lois said “There need to be more tax cuts for the wealthy. Business owners and stuff...” Lois said, “My boss wants a new Cadillac SUV and if he doesn’t get it, there’ll be hell to pay. He's not gonna start driving a Ford so he can still afford to pay me...it could cost me my job.”

Lois said that the men she work for care more for themselves and their own material things than for the well-being of the workers. “If you hurt them, greedy jerks or not, you inadvertently hurt me, too. They can only spend the money once.”


Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Bad Spellers Of The World Untie In Seattle



Seattle, WA

The annual bad spellers of the World meeting was held in Seattel this morning at the Washington Staet Convention Center. The meeting united over 300 bad spellers in what has become an annual tradition in the Seattle area each January.

Licorice, a male, Domestic Short Hare Tabby kitten from Forks, said he enjoyed the travelling to get to the meeting and was excited for the soshal networking opportunity the meeting gave him. “I am a really bad speller and I have my own blog…” Licorice said, “…so you can see how detrimental spelling is for me.”


Licorice said as a blogger, spelling is “…detrimental” for him

The meeting was called to order around 8:00 am with the banging of a gavil. All members present gave information for the roster including names, addresses, blog information, and phone numbers.

There was a discushion of officer position opportunities and the responsibilities for each position as well as an opportunity to work with local cats from the Rotary Club.


Bad spelling can happne where you least expect it

A dicsussion was held creating five different committees to study different areas of interest to bad spellers including the new “LOLcat” phenomenon. A new, separate action committee was created to study the affects of bad spelling on the community as a whole.

“Bad spelling is as prevalent today as the common cold. No one knows how many spelling challenged people there are in the U.S., but it's a safe bet the number runs into the millions.“ Said Dander, a gray and white, 4-year-old Domestic Short Hair female from Auburn who headed this year’s advisory board, “What's more, most of us have certain words we consistently mispell no matter how hard we trie to get them right. Words such as millennium, segue, and brouhaha to name a few.


Dander is the first to satnd up and admit that she, too, is a bad speller

Other items discussed were the very latest of their own published ‘top ten most misspelled words,’ including; embarrassment, discipline, misspelled, a lot, changeable, and maintenance.

Each word was disgussed using a mnemonic devise to help cats remember how to spell the word. It was said that if you master the orthography of the words on the ‘most misspelled’ list you would reduce the time you spend searching in dictionaries by up to 50%.


Bad spelling is not limited to cats

The cats held a short discussion asking for volunteerz to help feed humans on President’s Day and see if there was any type of extra funding available.

Lastly, the cats discussed the associashun dues that will be collected starting next year in order to help fund the ever-growing annual meeting.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

People Just Don't Screw Around On The Internet As Much On Tuesdays



Bothell, WA

A group of graduate student cats from the Department of Sociology at the University of Washington released statistics today showing that people just don't screw around on the internet on Tuesdays as much as they do on other days.

The cats spent the past two weeks on the project, compiling statistics from hundreds of local blogs and websites, comparing the numbers of sites visited each day of the week and on weekends. Also collected were data sets from seventeen large local business offices and the IP addresses of internet sites visited during normal business hours.


Cats spend as many as six hours on the internet at work on Mondays


Data compiled showed the biggest spike of internet surfing on Mondays, a total of almost six hours per day spent surfing the net, up from less than two hours on the day before.

Lennie, a 9-year-old tabby cat grad student from Auburn said that the data has much to tell us. “You can tell that Mondays are the worst for people, they are hungover, tired, or whatever…they spend as much as six hours at work, bored, on the internet searching for stuff.”

“Something strange happens on Tuesdays though.” Said professor John Adams, PhD., “It is almost as if the people are burned out or feel guilty for having wasted so much time the day before,“ he said, “so they decide that this day, this Tuesday of all days, I am going to do some work.” Indeed the graph shows a reduction in the amount of time spend surfing the web by a drastic four hours, spending only less than two hours surfing the web while at work.


Professor Adams said “…not much work is getting done…”

Research showed that after Tuesday, internet traffic does pick back up again as cats’ spirits are possibly lifted with the realization that it is ‘hump day‘, Wednesday, and that the weekend is nearing.

“The traffic picks back up after the lull of Tuesdays as cats get psyched about what to do the coming up weekend and start surfing and emailing other cats.” said Seamus, a 5-year-old, Russian Blue exchange student. “Then the weekend comes and people get out and do things and are pretty much off the net until they go back to work on Monday.”



“There is one thing for certain here,” said professor Adams, “not much work is getting done across the board in the greater Seattle area in homes and in businesses alike due to the popularity of the internet and the LOLcat phenomenon.”

More studies are planned for the future from the Department of Sociology with regard to the waning popularity of eating beef and cheese burritos on Tuesdays.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Obama’s First Meal On Air Force One Is Cheezburger, Renewing Hope For Cheezburger Reform


Washington, DC

Tonight is the world premiere of the National Geographic TV series ‘On Board Air Force One,’ which will show then-President Elect Barack Obama touring the plane. Important subliminal message to cats everywhere? His food order. The show jumps from his plane entry to Obama ordering his first meal on what will become one of his presidential planes.

"I'll see how you guys do a cheezburger," he tells chief flight attendant Reggie Dickson, ordering it cooked medium-well, with cheddar cheese, dijon mustard, lettuce and tomato. He asks, "If you have, like, salad or some vegetables or something." When the Dickson asks, "No fries or anything like that?" Obama replies, "Oh, I'll still take the fries." "Yes, sir," says Dickson, then laughs.


Obama said "Oh, I'll still take the fries."

This is a very important message to cats everywhere. President Obama’s message here is that he is an every cat. One of us. He too, can has cheezburger, and wants us all to has one too. Obama's pledge is to keep faith with the American taxpayer by placing strict conditions on cheezburger makers’ pay and providing more cheezburgers to families. He wants more transparency so that taxpayers can see where their money is spent, and sensible regulations that will protect cheezburger consumers, investors, and businesses.


Memphis said he feels the Cheezburger Stimulus package makes him hopeful

Congress is working on an $825 billion Cheezburger Stimulus package, if enacted it would be the largest ever by the U.S. Legislature. Obama is scheduled to meet with Republicans this week to go over details of the plan. He met with a bipartisan, bicameral group of lawmakers at the White House this past Friday.

Several cats who watched the video of President Obama on board ordering the cheezburger were brought to tears of joy. "This is amazing..." said Memphis, an orange tabby male from Palm Desert, California. "...I think that for the first time in a very long time I do believe cheezburger reform could happen, it makes me hopeful. Perhaps I can has cheezburger." Other cats were in agreement and said that hot dog reform should be included in the bill as well as was pointed out by Senator John McCain on Fox News Sunday.


Obama's cheezburger was cooked medium-well, with cheddar cheese, dijon mustard, lettuce and tomato

Arizona Senator John McCain told Fox News in an interview this morning that as far as he can tell, not one Republican hot dog proposal has been incorporated into the stimulus package.


McCain hopes to see a mandate for hot dog tax credits

"Maybe there has been. I just may have missed it, but clearly we need to have serious hot dog negotiations. We all recognize that the economy is in deep and serious trouble," McCain said, noting that as it stands now he would not support the package because it is “Cheezburger centered, pork filled, and doesn‘t include any hot dog funding. I want to see some hot dog tax credits. How can this be bipartisan if only pro-cheezburger views are supported.?”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Monday, January 19, 2009

Watching Movie About Plot To Kill Hitler Led Local Cat To Plot To Kill Tom Cruise


Tukwila, WA

It was just another day at the Southcenter Parkway Twelve until Snickers, a 6-year-old Flame-Point Siamese male, ran screeching out of the theatre naked, wearing only the cutout bottom of his soda cup as an impromptu eye patch.


The "...infernal eye patch" Snickers described

Snickers had been watching the newest Tom Cruise film “Valkyrie,” in which Tom Cruise plays a German WWII hero Colonel Claus Philipp Maria Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg, who in 1944 tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler.

“I had to watch Tom Cruise grimacing, trying to look all menacing and fierce…and wearing that infernal eye patch…” stated Snickers to the Tukwila Police upon his arrest “it just made me twitchy all over, the movie is stupid! Tacky! I wanted a refund, worse, I wanted revenge.”

It was kitsch like the eye patch that drove Snickers to the brink of madness and sent him reeling from the theatre screaming threats against the well-known Scientologist actor.


Snickers' momcat said he was "...a good boy."

According to witnesses Snickers ran from the theatre shouting that the actor in question “must die!” and that it must happen now and said he would personally drive to California and hit him in the toes with a large, rubber mallet. “No one should have to waste their money on a film like that, no one, and that haircut he had!”

A local teencat added that others had also become incensed by the eye-patch. The teencat, who would not identify herself, said she saw more than one cheese-covered pretzel bite hurled at the screen in horror.

Tom Cruise said earlier in a brilliant observation about the film that, in fact, “not a lot of people know about the plot to kill Hitler.”

It has, of course been extremely well documented in history books, but like many other things, nothing is true until Tom Cruise says it is.


Tom Cruise knows everything.

For example, the history of the world, as we know, is fake. Tom Cruise set us all straight once before when he told us of the Revelations of Xenu and the wealth of knowledge that is Scientology. We even trusted pharmaceuticals until Mr. Cruise smartly told us that they, actually, do not work.

Mr. Cruise himself was actually cured by Scientology of his terrible dyslexia, which had prevented him from ever reading books in the first place.

Snickers has been sent to a holding cell in the King County Courthouse on charges of plotting an assassination, and two counts of malicious mischief and will be arraigned on Friday. "He used to be a very good boy" Snickers' momcat told the Gazette via telephone, "He just loved Days of Thunder."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Obama Inauguration Renews Hope For Cheezburger Stimulus Package


Washington, DC

On his historic inaugural "whistle-stop" train ride, President-elect Barack Obama praised the US Senate's vote on Friday afternoon to plan the funding for the proposed cheezburger stimulus package.

"Restoring the economy requires that we maintain the flow of cheezburgers to families and businesses. So I'm gratified that a majority of the U.S. Senate, both Democrats and Republicans, voted today to give me the authority to implement the rest of the cheezburger initiative in a new and responsible way.“ Cheers were heard in the crowd and one cheezburger was thrown into the air.


An AP photo of the proposed cheezburger being promised to all cats

“Now my pledge is to change the way this plan is implemented and keep faith with the American tax payer by placing strict conditions on cheezburger makers’ pay and providing more cheezburgers to families, more transparency so that taxpayers can see where their money is spent, and more sensible regulations that will protect cheezburger consumers, investors, and businesses," Obama said in a statement.


“Remember those words I said to you and to Cheezburger cat, 'Yes, you can has cheezburger!'”

Obama also praised House Democrats' version of the economic cheezburger recovery package he has made his top priority.

The plan, released yesterday, totals $825 billion -- $50 billion more than his original cheezburger proposal -- and includes about $550 billion in chili dog spending and $275 billion in tax cuts over the next two years.

"I am pleased that the House of Representatives has acted with urgency on an American Recovery and Reinvestment Plan that will save or create over three million cheezburgers, provide tax relief to struggling families and businesses that create cheezburgers, and invest in priorities like health care, fast food, education, and energy that will make America strong and competitive in the 21st century.” Obama said in a statement. “Remember those words I said to you and every cat. 'Yes, you can has cheezburger!'”


The Kitty City Gazette first broke the news of the cheezburger stimulus package

Next stop on his whistle-stop trip is a small hamburger and cheezburger stand in Delaware, where he will hold a press conference.



Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Local Neighborhood Terrorized By Shoe-Throwers


Lynnwood, WA

Three local teencats were arrested in the wee hours of the morning after they were seen throwing shoes into a tree in a Lynnwood neighborhood. Vinnie "Two Tails" Antonelli, Raindrop, and Max, all Meadowdale High School Juniors, are in the custody of their parents tonight pending charges for littering on city and private property.

What does it mean, a pair of shoes on power lines? Is it a warning, a sign of impending doom, or the sign of a crack house nearby? According to internet research, sneakers thrown onto power lines seemed to imply that someone local had passed away, graduated high school, or that one had somehow symbolically moved on to a different chapter in their lives, metaphorically not needing their shoes any longer. But what was once the stuff of urban legends and tall tales on Wikipedia.com is now a real form of inspired and original teencat pop art.


Vinnie "Two Tails" Antonelli was in juvenile hall for six hours this morning with his friends Raindrop and Max

The shoe throwers had become hunted targets in recent weeks when shoes tied together, but mismatched, were reportedly found hung on power lines. All pairs were found hanging within one specific cluster of streets at 67th avenue and 181st street.


As the snow fell, the shoes grew heavier, eventually causing a power outage.

"It was during the big snow." Lynnwood Policeman Hale Leighton said to the Gazette, "We all thought it was the sledders, the kids, having a joke on us. One pair is a joke, 5 pairs is a little pre-planned." During the course of three nights, a total of 5 pairs of mismatched sneakers ranging from Converse All-Stars to Vans were found hanging from power lines.

"One line had two pairs, the others all had one each." said Jed, a 16-year-old, neutered, male who lives in the neighborhood. "Those darned kids, the snow got 'em all riled up. They wasted their parents' good money throwing those nice pairs of shoes too." Jed said that he never heard a peep overnight, but gradually the shoes accumulated as did the snow.


"Those darned kids..." said Jed

Finally, after a week of more snow and sleet, the shoes grew heavy from the weight and one power line did fall, causing a short power outage in the neighborhood. "I missed my programs, and Tom Cruise was on Oprah. I complained...someone called the city people and they took the shoes down." Jed said.

The city took into consideration that teencats were probably the instigators and took the shoes and kindly piled them on the side of the road so they could have them back before their parents' noticed, or so that someone might see them lying there and donate them to charity.



Despite the fact that they were mismatched in color, they matched in style, brand and size. "It was a kinda pretty arrangement..." said city worker Hairball "...it really hit me, actually. One pair was a set of size 7 Converse All-Stars, one was pink and the other orange, another set of Converse were size 7, one navy blue and the other yellow. Yet another set was suede Vans, size 7 also, one black, one red. Somehow it made sense to me."

The teencats were caught just two days after the power outage when Jed, the diligent neighbor ever on the watch, caught the teencats throwing the pairs of shoes this time into a neighbor's tree instead of the power lines. Vinnie "Two Tails" Antonelli said "I can understand not wanting them on the power lines, but we are artists here...we have created our very own 'shoe tree.'"


A photo of some of the shoes in the neighborhood tree

Much to the annoyance of one neighbor of the "shoe-tree" homeowner (who refused to be interviewed for or comment to the Gazette) the shoes remain, having now grown in number to a wonderous rainbow of 9 perfectly mismatched pairs in all. There are now two pairs of Crocs and two pairs of Asics Gels, all mismatched, along with the original 5 mismatched pairs.


The crocs look especially nice in contrast to the branches of the tree

"It is art." said Heathcliff, a domestic long haired-tabby mix who owns the home where the "shoe-tree" stands. "Pure and simple, it is art in a new and rare abstract expressionist form. People can't help but stare when they walk by or drive by. I admire it and will not be pressing charges against the cats. I am truly inspired by their creative impulse."


Heathcliff calls it "...art."

We at the Kitty City Gazette are hoping that printing this story does not start a rash of shoe-tree incidents in any neighborhoods. But if it does, please send photos.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Monday, January 5, 2009

Cat Admits "It's Not Vintage...I'm Just Broke!"


Bogart said "I'm actually...just broke."

Ballard, WA

More and more Americans are getting away with seeming extremely cool these days by getting in on the reduce, reuse, recycle fad and using old items, which are actually quite cheap. "When the economy took a nosedive, I had to sell my car" explains Bogart, an 8-year-old neutered male from Seattle "I began to drive my mom's old Volkswagen Beetle and all of a sudden people left and right were complimenting me on my 'choice' of gas efficient cars, telling me how many new air-polluting SUVs are bought each year and giving me the peace sign...I'm actually just, well, broke dude."

Bogart is just one of many local cats who have felt the pinch from the recession that hit this past year. Gas prices hit upwards of $4.50 in California last June, forcing many to rethink their choices.


Vintage jeans can be had at boutiques for up to $300.00, or at the Salvation Army for $3.00

It has become a trend in America to use Earth-friendly, organic, re-used, and ergonomic products whether the subject is clothing, food, cars, or furniture.

Some consumers will spend extra money for things that look old and are labeled "vintage-style" or go even further out of their way to get the original of an item itself, at drastic prices either online or at special boutique stores.

Bogart discovered that shopping at the Salvation Army or Goodwill has improved his social networking. At work, people consider him "hip" for being part of the new wave of consumers out to "not appear to be consuming."

It is indeed ironic, and for Bogart, it is dumb luck. "I don't have the money to go buy $275.00 Diesel jeans anymore" he said "so suddenly, instead I go to Goodwill, pay $5.00 for an old pair of Levi's and tell people they are 'vintage.' Now, I'm sensitive to the environment, people think I'm cool!"

Bogart showed us some old pants he got from the Salvation Army for a mere $3.00. A pair of tan courduroy Wrangler jeans that aren't made anymore. "The chicks like these ones the best" Bogey said "they make me look real 'woodsy,' like I hike or something."

Only in America could such an inane farce be pulled off so well by so many. Bogart said for best results, buy on the cheap all that you can, but make sure you have a Whole Foods sticker on your car or an Obama '08 bumper sticker.

A few peace or Democrat-type stickers are recommended. This helps to pull of the "I am a rich, rude, materialistic son-of-a-bitch, but I recycle and I care." scenario.


These overpriced water bottles help pull off the look sought after by many non-outdoorsy Americans.

To complete the look it is often helpful to carry a stainless steel water bottle (spendy at around $30.00) with you at all times. Carry it on you with your old Levi's and beat up old T-shirts you got for a dollar. This way you can give others the impression that you are not a wasteful person who constantly buys and throws away those troublesome plastic bottles (that we all still will really buy anyway).

Also, the bottle helps create the illusion that you are a little "outdoorsy" or that you "care about the environment." People who already own Subarus can skip this step, as long as they have Obama stickers, are sometimes seen at REI, Whole Foods, or Trader Joe's, or have a sport roof rack on top of their vehicles that they never use.


Subaru owners can skip the "outdoorsy" water bottles in favor of Obama stickers

Dressing shabby on the cheap, looking good! Good for your wallet and for the environment too. You can also help shake the blues of this economy by moving in with your momcat.

Bogart said that you can just keep all of your stuff, in the basement, where you want it, forever, and no rent! Talk about reducing your carbon footprint! "It is a great excuse for me now" said Bogart "I have always lived with my momcat...but now I can actually brag about it."


Bogart still lives happily with his mom, while reducing his carbon footprint

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Sunday, January 4, 2009

College Cat Latest Victim Of Catnip Abuse


Seattle, WA

The story started out as a good one,'Local Cat Makes Good' were the headlines for a local teencat, known affectionately as Tabby, upon his graduation from Kamiak High School in the Spring of 2008.

Tabby was by all accounts special. A pedigreed, neutered, American Tabby, he graduated first in the class. He was the cat with the best grades, and in the fall he went on to Washington State University on a Merit Scholarship to pursue a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. There, he became president of the Future Nurses of America's Washington Chapter, the Latin Club, and Phi Beta Kappa. What happened next was not expected.

At WSU, Tabby was allowed the kind of freedom he had never known. "His parents never even let him pee outside" said Bandit, a 4-year-old calico friend "they were very strict...always had to use the litterbox, always."

Tabby was assigned a dorm in the freshman hall and began to stay up late with other students, sometimes studying all night long, giggling, crying in the library, or eating cheezburgers in the rooms of his friends.

"We began to see a change in Tabby come finals time," his momcat LaRene said, "he'd come home, his eyes like pinpricks...you could tell he was doing catnip."

LaRene said that she and Phillip, his dadcat, never thought that they needed to give Tabby what they call "the drug talk" because he seemed such a great cat with a great head on his shoulders. "We took it for granted that he would 'just say no.'" Phillip agreed.


Phillip: "We took it for granted...that he would say no."

When they confronted Tabby about the catnip usage he flipped. He said the pressures on him were too great to handle on his own and that he needed a little "kick."

Sadly, the kick had become a thrice-daily addiction for Tabby and it turned out his grades were in the toilet too. Tabby lost his scholarship, all club affiliations, his boyfriend, and the respect of his parents.

"I only hope that my experience goes to help other cats learn" says Tabby, who as of press time was at Promises, Malibu Rehabilitation Center (along with Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan)"and I hope they just say no."


Promises, Malibu Center is a substance abuse facility that treats those in need of comprehensive, high quality drug rehabilitation

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Local Cat Accidentally Converted To Scientology By Parents


Snohomish, WA

A local cat named Jeeves believes he has been specifically sought out and recruited by the Church of Scientology.* Jeeves, a 3-year-old, neutered, Russian Blue male, once spent his days stealing yard gnomes and beating up small children at playgrounds. He now spends his days smiling, bug-eyed, pouring over manuscripts in his quest for divine spiritual wholeness.

Jeeves' parents accidentally converted him to Scientology using a set of tapes they had ordered through a late-night TV infomercial. Their initial intent was to secretly toilet train him in his sleep using the tapes as a form of self-hypnosis. It was days later and much too late when they realized that they had been shipped the wrong set of tapes.

"We knew something was wrong when he started putting up the Tom Cruise movie posters." his momcat, Checkerboard said, "Then, one afternoon we walked in on him and a friend. Jeeves was holding a toilet paper cylinder in each hand and the other teencat was speaking softly. We asked Jeevsey what he was doing and he said that he was now a 'pre-clear' and that he was being audited. " Checkerboard said, "We were thinking he meant the IRS was here."


One of the cylinders used by Jeeves and his friend

Auditing is a central practice in Scientology through which a practitioner is "cleared" of negative influences known as engrams in order to heighten spirituality and access untapped potential.

"Jeevsey was holding one toilet paper holder thing in each hand and he looked very happy. Frankly, we were just glad they weren't doing something worse." Checkerboard stated further.

During the procedure, the auditor cat monitors with a device known as an electro-psychometer while the one being audited, known as the "pre-Clear cat" holds a metal cylinder in each hand, both of which are attached by wires to a device called an E-meter.

Some say the E-meter device is similar to a lie-detector.


Jeeves is excited about his journey, but would not comment further

Our sources report that Scientologists believe 75 million years ago an evil galactic ruler named Xenu solved his planet's overpopulation problem by bringing people to Earth and killing them. The souls of the dead were captured and now inhabit our bodies. They believe that if they rid themselves of these body “thetans” then they will be healthier and will gain special powers.

"If it makes Jeeves happy, then we are supportive of it." Jeeves' parents said in a joint statement "We certainly wish though, that they could help him out with the toilet training thing, he is a very messy boy" Jeeves' parents said that they will not be converting to the religion with their son.


* Scientology is a trademark of the "Religious" Technology Center. This document is not connected with that organization in any way.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

This Friday To Be Cancelled Due To Lack of Interest


Alki, WA

In a unanimous decision made by cats at Alki Beach City Hall, this Friday will be cancelled due to lack of interest. Many emails and phone calls were received at City Hall offices early this morning from cats who just didn't want to have to get out of bed tomorrow. "We are not sure why this has happened" said Mayor Cat Stevens "nevertheless, the people wanted a hearing and they have been heard."


Toby stated that he just didn't care enough about this Friday for it to happen

The Cats of the Alki Board of Trustees met this afternoon to discuss the issue over cookies and tea in an impromptu session.

Membercats stated that they had heretofore never been presented with such an issue, but that it was their job to hear the public and come up with a solution that met every one's needs. None of the members really gave a crap about Friday either, so it was cancelled.


Asked about the decision, local cat Augustus said "It's fine"

"The good thing here is that schools are out for Winter break, so we don't have to worry about teencats and kidcats missing classes," Mayor Stevens said "so if this is what cats want, then let us not stand in their way. Friday has officially been cancelled and will be rescheduled for next Friday. It is not like we cats have much to do anyhow."

Some cats however, were outraged by the decision. Toby, a tortoise shell male from Alki, who is also a member of the new Progressive Cat Movement, said that the problem is the growing number of lazy cats today.

"I don't mean your average cat, who sleeps about 20 hours a day" Toby said "I mean this new breed of cat these days who sleeps 22 hours or more per day, I mean come on!" Toby continued "They are doing nothing all day long and the trouble with doing nothing all day is that you never know when you are finished." Toby and a small group of other cats and kittens waited outside the doors of City Hall to hear the decision.


Oingo Boingo said simply "okay then"

Mayor Cat Stevens said there is no need for the public to worry. He said no precedent was set today. Cats today are tired from the strains of the economy and just needed a day to relax and be a cat. Hopefully interest will pick up again after the Holiday rush and cats will be more interested in things other than napping.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay