Saturday, October 31, 2009

New Chocolate-Covered LEGO Men A Huge Hit Despite Opposition

Seattle, WA

Every year Seattle Chocolates tempts cats by unveiling a new treat right around Halloween, the beginning of what they call the “sweets and holiday” season. This year they unveiled a new treat, chocolate-covered LEGO men.

"Each year we have an open sampling week,” said Mango, a 3-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “Typically, the lines are out the door and up the block, but when people heard we had LEGO men, it was nuts.”

The new treat is said to be delightfully tasty and crunchy, a wonderful new combination that mixes salty and sweet in perfect proportions. Customers who attended the sampling week watched the candies being made and then choose their own fresh sample to taste.

Pig-Pen admitted that dipping the little LEGO men was at first “problematic”

Although delicious, oppositionists say slaughtering and eating LEGOs is wrong. Protestors lined the streets en masse outside the factory with signs in hand, handing out pamphlets stating that the practice is bad for the LEGOs, bad for the environment, and bad for cats in general. “LEGO Meat is murder,” claimed the attendees.

“I’ll admit, at first the dipping did not go so smoothly,” admitted 6-year-old Pig-Pen, a worker at the factory since 2007. “Some of the little LEGO men let out really loud screams as we tried to dip them into the chocolate and scared the kittens.”

The chocolate-covered LEGO men have sold so well that Seattle Chocolates has received more than 100 new retail accounts since introducing them, reportedly from all over the country. Among the most popular are chocolate-covered LEGO Pirates, Knights, and Police.

Winnipeg said eating the Lego men treats keeps her kittens quiet on long rides in the car

“They were a huge hit at my party,” said Minerva, a 7-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair from Medina, who said she liked her sample of chocolate-covered Motorcycle Police so much that she served them the next night at a Tupperware party. “Nobody could believe that they were so fresh.”

The chocolate-covered LEGO men are almost always well received, and even if a prospective buyer doesn't bite right away, by the time they see other cats smiling and nodding, they jump right on in and try them.

“At first I thought it was really cruel,” said Winnipeg, a 4-year-old, spayed Manx. “But seriously, I eat LEGOs anyways, at least these ones are dead first, and if I give them to my kittens in the car I get a few minutes of peace.”

Those against the eating of LEGO, and other meat, spoke out against the practice

“I feel bad when I see a load of chickens, cows, or LEGOs on their way to a slaughter house,” said long-time vegetarian Milo, a 9-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “At least I know I am not contributing to their horrible, painful end.”

Good news for Seattle Chocolates is that even in a recession, chocolate thrives, as it is a comfort food, and a relatively cheap one at that. "You can buy alot of chocolate from us for a few bucks,” said one employee. Indeed, sales at the flagship store are skyrocketing since introducing the LEGO men.

“When I served them as a treat, my kittens just about pounced on them and grabbed one each,,“ said one cat from Bellevue. “We like to eat the arms and legs off the little LEGO men. It’s fun.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Pig-Pen Photo: Thanks to Mary York
Driver Cat: Thanks to Aaron Brown
Others: Random

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Depressed PC Jumps To His Death Over The Threat Of The New iMac

Seattle, WA

On a sad note today a 4-year-old, metal and plastic, Hewlett Packard computer named Herman leapt out a window to his death after a fight with his wife.

The PC had chewed himself free of his Samsung 17" flat screen monitor and printer cables, and after pushing out the window screen in the study where he lived, jumped 2 stories down to his untimely death.

Police investigators interviewed neighbors, who said they heard the couple fighting increasingly often. The death has been officially ruled a suicide.

Wife Betsy said he “flat-out refused” to download the latest Windows updates

According to police, various neighbors reported hearing his wife Betsy, a 5-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, “screaming at him, hitting his keyboard in frustration, and threatening to leave him for a brand new iMac.”

"You could see them fighting through the window of their house…see her goading him on," said another source. "She'd flip out and tell him he was too slow then push his power button on and off, yelling at him and pulling at his mouse. He just sat there, helpless.”

Betsy admitted she regrets the abuse she heaped on him, but stated he had been in poor health of late and had “flat-out refused” to download any new Microsoft Windows updates to improve himself.

Neighbors lament the sad death of the PC, “it’s just wrong” said one

"We got in fights, like, every night," Betsy admitted. "He'd just start moving really slow and then just freeze up and stop responding to me. Once he even called me ‘invalid!’”

"It was so frustrating with him," Betsy continued. "He just got to a point where all he did was give me error messages. It was like he just couldn't do more than one thing at a time."

"It was only a matter of time," said one close family insider on the condition of anonymity. "She was telling everyone how bad his 'performance' was. She said he couldn't go very long without freezing up on her."

Betsy was seen canoodling with this sleek new iMac at the local mall

A local mall employee called police after seeing Betsy's photograph in the paper, saying he had seen her just the week before at the Apple store cavorting with a sexy, young iMac.

"They were all over each other," said the source. "She was gazing into (the iMac's) screen and holding his mouse. She ought to be ashamed!"

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photo: Katie (as Betsy) Thanks to Debbie Glovatsky
IMac Photo: Courtesy of
Others: Random

Monday, October 26, 2009

Cats Who Nearly Crashed Airplane Were Shopping Online, NTSB Says

Seattle, WA

Two cat pilots who work for American Airlines have told investigators that they were buying “cute outfits” on their laptops, a clear violation of company policy, while the plane they were piloting nearly crashed into the Rocky Mountains, the National Transportation Safety Board said today.

The pilot, Xango, a 9-year-old, neutered, Siamese Mix, and co-pilot, Slim, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, were both perusing scarves and hats “with ears on them” when they noticed the plane about to crash into the rocky crags, and quickly pulled up.

The cats said in interviews conducted over the weekend that they were not fatigued while shopping online and didn't fall asleep, the board said in a statement.

The flight recorder showed officials every website the cats had visited since takeoff

Instead, Xango told investigators that they both had their laptops out and that he was shopping while the co-pilot, who had more experience with navigation, began mixing drinks and blending strawberry margaritas. The pilots were out of communication with air traffic controllers the whole time.

The flight recorder data reported to the NTSB showed that the cats had been to over 120 different websites, including the Kitty City Gazette, since takeoff.

Aviation safety experts who are investigating the near-crash said it was more plausible that the cats fell asleep during that phase of the flight than that they had become so focused on a silly website that they had actually forgot what they were doing and nearly killed 324 people.

Xango said he’d found “just the right scarf” before having to pull up the plane

Air traffic controllers in Seattle and Denver repeatedly tried without success to raise the cats’ flight by radio. The airline even tried contacting them using a radio message that played “Baby Got Back“ by Sir Mix-a-Lot. No one could get a response from the cats.

Authorities became so alarmed that National Guard jets prepared for takeoff at two locations and the White House Situation Room alerted senior White House officials, who monitored the flight in case it had been hijacked.

"It's inexcusable," former NTSB Chairman Jarrod Wheatly said. "I feel sorry for the cats involved, I know they didn’t get their purchases made in time, but sometimes you lose the internet connection up there."

Xango was sent to his room without dinner after the incident

Both cats told the board they had never had an accident, incident or violation, the board said. After nearly crashing the plane and killing all 324 people on board, Xango was sent to his room without dinner, where he reportedly cried for six hours straight.

The cats acknowledged that while they were engaged in shopping on their laptops they weren't paying attention to radio traffic, messages from their airline or their cockpit instruments, the NTSB said.

The panel ruled that from now on, pilots would not, for a period of time, be able to surf the internet on laptops or buy outfits online unless one of the two were actually flying the plane.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Xango (screaming) Photo: Thanks to Julie O’Connell
Others: Random

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Republican Monkey Admits To Same-Sex Affair With Top Cat Aide

Seattle, WA

In a stunning declaration, Washington State Senator Bartholomew Crumbles, a 19-year-old Baboon, announced his sudden resignation and acknowledged that he had an affair with another male, a top cat aide he had hired years before.

"The honest truth is that I am a gay American," he said at a nationally televised event with his wife proudly standing by his side.

"Shamefully, I engaged in adult consensual affairs with a cat, which violates the bonds of holy matrimony," the Baboon said. "It was wrong, it was foolish, and it was inexcusable." Crumbles, a Republican, said his resignation would be effective November 1st.

Co-worker Erasmus said “I never had a clue he liked cat.”

Two sources close to Crumbles, both speaking on condition of anonymity, said Senator Crumbles and the cat spent “countless hours” locked in his office petting each other and picking fleas out of each others’ hair.

“Sometimes they would order out for milk or bananas,” said an insider. “It was so obvious to everyone.” Friends of the Senator said he would leave work early and meet the cat at the beach, where they would walk hand-in-hand.

Erasmus, a 27-year-old Roloway Monkey who has worked for the Senator for 5 years said in a statement to the Gazette, “I never had a clue he liked cat. Never. He just didn’t seem like that kinda guy. But, you never know.”

Washington D.C. is shocked by the startling news

Crumbles refused to answer specific questions at the news conference. “It makes little difference that as a Senator I am gay," but he added that staying in office and keeping the affair and his sexual orientation a secret would leave the office "vulnerable to rumors, false allegations and the threat of feline spraying incidents."

Although Crumbles did not name his feline lover, top administration officials identified him as Bob, a 4-year-old, Domestic Short Hair, Princeton graduate, and former intern, who was hired by Crumbles to the Senator’s team 2 years ago as an adviser even amid questions about his qualifications for the position.

Senator Crumbles was considered a rising star in the Republican Party, He flew home to Mukilteo yesterday morning after informing GOP leaders on Capitol Hill of his impending announcement, missing an important vote regarding a cat’s ‘right to choose’ spaying and neutering.

Friends said Crumbles often left his car at the beach and took off with “his cat friend”

Crumbles did not directly comment about his political future but said he was "committed to my service in the United States Senate." He does not have any immediate plans for a political future, but said instead he plans a “nice trip to South Beach with Bob.”

Crumbles’ wife, Darlene, a 12-year-old, Howler Monkey, was at her husband's side during the short press briefing and issued a statement wherein she lied and said the couple's marriage had become "stronger" since the affair.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random

Friday, October 23, 2009

Cat Who Lost Game Of Checkers ‘Sequestered And Hiding’ After Tragic Defeat

Edmonds, WA

A local cat is reportedly ‘so devastated’ after losing at checkers last week that she has retreated to her Edmonds-area home, leaving friends and family scrambling to help.

Tiny Dancer, a 5-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, is being comforted by loved ones after losing seven straight games of checkers to an 11-year-old Human on the internet.

Reportedly, Tiny Dancer was eating a day-old apple fritter and drinking coffee in her study. She was deeply involved with her game when she was ‘kinged’ by the internet player and subsequently lost the game. Family members said that Tiny Dancer had been found unconscious on the floor, still gripping the fritter.

Cowlick said Tiny Dancer used this board before moving on to internet checkers

A family insider said "Everyone is devastated. It's not clear what's happened to Tiny Dancer yet, but it looks like she lost six or seven games in a row. We won't really know until she comes clean about it."

Neighbor Cowlick, a 3-year-old, spayed, Domestic Long Hair said, "As soon as Tiny lost that last game she just couldn‘t take it any more, she wanted to be with her family. The losses were such a shock. She is devastated."

Tiny Dancer grew up in Stoneham, Massachusetts with a sister, and later moved to Edmonds where the two now run a successful German delicatessen. She also occasionally plays internet chess.

Tiny Dancer loves to play internet checkers and read the Kitty City Gazette

In a statement to the Gazette, Tiny Dancer said "I am devastated by this (loss at checkers). This loss comes on the heels of the death of my beloved goldfish, Ralph, and with both of these things happening at once, my heart is heavy with grief.”

Experts say that when a loved one loses at checkers, the feeling of grief can be devastating and intensely overwhelming. For some cats, the only consolation is to know that the loss is not a personal reflection, but a random event that could not have been prevented.

In light of the recent tragic loss, neighbor Cowlick said she wishes she could have done something to help.

Friends tried to get Tiny Dancer to play other games, but she “couldn’t even look” at the checker-like pieces

"I had spoken to Tiny Dancer two hours before I got the call that she’d lost at checkers. Never in a thousand years did I think it was going to happen,” said Cowlick. “There are so many things that I should have said to her strategy-wise, but now it's too late.”

Another source mourned, “She‘s been grieving way too long. I tried to get her to play Connect Four, but she couldn’t even look at or stand the sight of the checkers. She’ll make it, but it’s going to be hard.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Tiny Dancer Photos: Thanks to Julie O'Connell
Grumman (as Tiny Dancer): Thanks to Forrest Scott Wood
Cowlick Photos: Thanks to Jarrod Wishman

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Cat Who Accidentally Farted In Public Shunned By Small Town Employers

Sequim, WA

A cat who accidentally farted while shopping at the local Walgreen’s drugstore claims he is being shunned and discriminated against by townsfolk and potential employers because of the incident.

Finn Riley McBagby, is a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long-Hair Ginger, who lives on Hendrickson Road in the small town of Sequim, population 5,700.

He said he accidentally farted “very loudly” while walking down an aisle at Walgreen’s after picking up a prescription and has been treated with dirty looks and rampant discrimination ever since.

The incident happened at the local Walgreen drugstore

“I didn’t mean to fart out loud, or so loud,” Finn told the Gazette. “It was a huge embarrassing mistake. I tried to muffle it, but it just snuck out. I was just as surprised as anyone else that it happened.”

Finn said after the fart became audible, he quickly said “ouch,” and looking down, quickly scuffed his shoe on the linoleum floor as if to suggest the fart was not really a fart, but the result of some other type of happenstance event like tripping or simply dragging his shoes.

“There were lots of people there that day who heard (the fart),” Finn said. “One cat, a real gossip, she heard it and dropped the box of tampons she was holding. She scowled at me and quickly ran out of the store, probably to tell everyone she knew what I’d done.”

Finn says he “regrets” the unfortunate farting incident

Finn, who lost his job at the Pizza Factory in early September, claims to have since applied for more than 30 jobs and registered his resume with countless temporary agencies since the fart incident, and has not received any response.

Finn said he is now convinced that he is being discriminated against for farting so loudly in public and claimed one recruitment agency said it would not be able to find him a job because "their clients wouldn't like it.”

Finn said, "I think employers feel uneasy about taking me on. A lot of people see my face and all they can think of is that one fart. I get funny looks from people everywhere I shop now. It’s like they all know and expect me to do it again.”

Spokescat Barbarella is now dedicated to helping young Finn

A spokescat for the charity ‘Silencing the Stigma,’ which supports cats who have farted in public places, said today, "If employers are unfamiliar with farting in public, they can, on some unconscious level, make an unfair judgement about someone based on their past, unfortunate farts.” The cat, a 12-year-old, spayed Manx named Barbarella, said she would gladly represent Finn and help him find a job within the greater Sequim or Port Angeles area.

Many cats think that public gas/farting discrimination legislation was first introduced in the mid-1990s. However, the fact is that such laws have been in force for more than 60 years to protect their rights and keep them from becoming victims of a society determined to shut them out or humiliate them.

Before 1995, the legislation dealing with the employment of cats who have farted in public consisted of the Fart Act of 1944 and the Accidental Fart Doctrine of 1945. These statutory provisions introduced a quota system whereby employers with 20 or more employees had to ensure that at least 1% of their workforce were registered as having farted in public.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Finn Photos: Thanks to The Antonelli Family
Barbarella Photo: Thanks to Mary Ann Browning

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Lemon Law Protects Consumers From Defective Kittens

Seattle, WA

Hundreds of consumers are thankful today for a law protecting their rights after they adopted kittens they claim are now “malfunctioning” and “defective.” Complaints range from sudden, erratic bursts of acceleration to outright breakdowns and exhaust failure.

"I felt so smug for a while," said Chessie, a 4-year-old, spayed Tortoise Shell of her new kitten Rutherford. "Especially being in Seattle, I felt like one of the ‘in crowd’ to have a mixed-race kitten."

The kitten had a "cute little body" that Chessie loved, and she reveled in playing around like a "new mom," watching the energy-usage display on the kitten’s center console. She just never expected maintenance issues with such a new kitten.

This terrifying kitten reportedly ate an entire poodle in just a half-hour

She recalled a rainy evening when she was out for a walk when suddenly she felt the kitten hydroplaning out of control, and when she glanced at the speedometer she realized the kitty had shot up to 90 mph.

She reported to the Gazette that she pushed on the brakes, but they were dead. Then just as suddenly as the kitten had taken off, it shut down, leaving her stuck out in the rain on a cold night.

The company that produced the kittens claimed they were “low mileage” and “gently used,” citing volumes of complex technology that went into manufacturing them.

Young Rutherford, above, reportedly accelerated and stalled while out on a walk one rainy night

“Sometimes the kittens will accelerate on their own,” said a lawyer representing one adoptive family in a statement. “Sometimes they unexpectedly stop dead. Users of the kittens have discovered they can be an unexpected adventure.”

“I brought that thing home and the first thing it did was eat my mother-in-law’s poodle,” said Rambo, a 5-year-old, neutered, Manx from Bellevue. “That little thing got me into a lot of trouble and I want some answers.”

One sad parent recounts a story in which she was sitting, petting her new kitten, when suddenly, “…it took off in a sudden burst of acceleration, veered madly to the left, went screaming down two flights of stairs and into the laundry room wall, where it left a huge dent.”

Dexter reportedly stalled and stopped multiple times

“When I got my new Dexter home, I could tell there was something wrong,” said Mary-Jane, a 3-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “He’d get up and try to run and then just suddenly stall out and fall asleep.”

“I don’t know what was wrong with mine, but the exhaust from that thing was abhorrent,” said Bilko, a 6-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who adopted a kitten with his domestic partner. “I took him to the muffler shop but they said if I did anything to him it would void the warranty.”

Angry consumers are encouraged to file a claim. Before you attempt to claim a refund or replacement under Lemon Laws, you must give written notice by certified mail to the manufacturer and its dealer or repairing agent.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Friday, October 9, 2009

Community Mental Health Club Disbands After Third No Show Meeting

Edmonds, WA

The dates were set, the fritters were ready, and the coffee was hot. The only thing missing were the cats. Once again, the monthly meeting of the Memory Loss Club of Edmonds was an empty house after everyone forgot when it was and where it was held.

The club, whose meeting was scheduled to take place as usual on the second Thursday night of the month in the Edmonds United Methodist Church basement, has been canceled and disbanded due to insufficient member turnout.

Started as a community outreach service in 2001 to help cats with memory problems ranging from Alzheimer‘s to Multiple Personality Disorder, the club has had very few returning members over the past years and has finally decided to give up.

Tiggy suffers from a mental disorder in which he believes he shares his soul with a stuffed kitty cat who likes cookies

One former member, Tiggy, a 3-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder was found wandering outside the building talking softly to a sealed tin can of tuna with a small stuffed animal who he claimed to be his “other self.’

Multiple Personality Disorder is characterized by having two distinct identities that take over the personality accompanied by an inability to recall personal information in a manner too extensive to be explained to ordinary forgetfulness.

The club was well-known in previous years for its extensive efforts to help find jobs for cats suffering from all manner of conditions and diseases, enriching their lives and creating a more fulfilled sense of wellness.

Ding Dong once sought help at the Memory Loss Club

“That Tiggy is one sick bastard,” said Krunkle, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair and former counselor. “I feel bad for that one, I don’t know where he’s gonna end up without our support group, maybe he will go back to working at Taco Bell, they always mess up your order anyhow.”

“Cats with multiple personalities are wonderful multi-taskers,” said Cubby, a 12-year-old, spayed, Scottish Fold, who has been an outreach coordinator with the club for the past five years. “And those with Alzheimer’s are great at menial tasks because they forget how boring a job is as soon as they start it.”

“My dad Ding Dong used to go to those meetings, but he forgot his pants once and showed up naked as a jaybird,” said Rex, a 5-year-old, neutered Siamese from Lynnwood. “The club leader told my dad ‘I can see your nuts,’ and he took it the wrong way and came home upset that they thought he was crazy.”

Taylor said he was glad he “…was glad at least it wasn’t Alzheimer’s.”

“When they told me at the doctor office that I had Alzheimer’s, at first I was upset, but then I was glad at least it wasn’t Alzheimer’s,” said Taylor, a 15-year-old, Domestic Short Hair cat and former member of the club. “I feel great now.”

Of further note, the Codependency Club President has changed their meetings to fill the Memory Loss Club’s now open time slot after first asking everyone in the club what they thought and if it was okay.

The Obsessive-Compulsive Club will be meeting on the main floor starting next month after complaints were received from the maintenance department for repeatedly breaking the down button on the elevator control panel.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Tiggy Photo: Thanks to Kareen, at Noll's Nip
Ding Dong Photo: Thanks to Brad
Taylor Photo: Thanks to Jered