Sunday, March 29, 2009

Local Cat Harassed By Lawn Ornaments

Palm Desert, CA

A scorching hot, sunny afternoon at the College of the Arts weekly street fair turned violent today after a cat was viciously harassed by two brilliantly-colored yard donkeys.

Snoops, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, was standing in line at a booth waiting patiently for a tasty, hot Elephant Ear pastry when he became the latest victim of bullying, a trend sadly growing in recent months.

“I was digging in my pocket for change,” said Snoops (interviewed at his home), a part-time criminal justice major, “There was only one left and the fair was about to close when all of a sudden these two donkeys came at me outta nowhere, man.”

“They called me a pansy” said Snoops

The donkeys, Ramon and Buttercup, both 2-year-old, concrete lawn ornaments, were on probation at the time for alleged vandalism at a local In-N-Out Burger restaurant.

“One of them grabbed my Elephant Ear and the other started chiding me about my nose.” Snoops said in a report to Palm Desert Police. Snoops said he had seen the two earlier in the morning making fun of a young lizard.

“They looked real mean and had lots of tattoos.” Snoops said, “They were gang tattoos, although now that I think about it one of them said ‘I love mom.’” Indeed the two donkeys are active members of the Rancho Mirage Banditos biker gang, known in the area for a series of Del Taco robberies.

The scene at the street fair

The donkeys grabbed the hot, crisp Elephant Ear from Snoops and started harassing him. “They called me a pansy” said Snoops, tearing up at the recollection. “They said my shorts were silly, really silly.” Snoops was reportedly wearing a pretty pair of pink and yellow flowered kulots made by his grandmacat as a birthday gift.

The donkeys smashed the Elephant Ear on the ground and laughed at poor Snoops, sticking huge blue gobs of cotton candy in his hair.
Security was called by a red squirrel eating a waffle cone and quickly arrived by mini-tram.

The two donkeys were processed and brought to the Palm Springs Regional Detention Center to wait until their parents claimed them.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Cat Photo Courtesy Of: Jake (CatDude5749),

Injured Cat’s Workers’ Comp Claim Denied Due To Lack Of Fifth Digit

Palm Desert, CA

A local cat is in the middle of a battle with the State of California Workers’ Compensation Department over a claim for carpal tunnel syndrome.

Mulligan, a 5-year-old Domestic Long Hair cat originally from Sequim, Washington, moved to Indio with his wife to live in a Del Webb Sun City resort community.

“I took a desk job at a suicide hotline in La Quinta,” said Mulligan, “Everyone here is so happy that no one ever calls, so we have a lot of down time.” Mulligan and others spent their free time surfing the internet and sending text messages to friends and family.

Mulligan moved to the desert for the resort-like atmosphere

Mulligan lives in a Del Webb golf and swimming resort community
“After six months of it, my fingers and wrists hurt so badly, and my thumbs were killing me.” Mulligan stated.

After a failed trial of anti-inflammatory medications and narcotic pain relievers, doctors diagnosed him with bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome, a work-related injury from his rampant on-the-job computer use.

Mulligan filed a claim with Workers’ Compensation Services and continued seeing the doctor and planned for surgery on his right wrist first.

Riley became depressed, said it hurts to “…scratch shit up.”

“They sent me a letter denying my claim.” Said Mulligan, “They said that you have to have five fingers on your hand to qualify as having carpal tunnel injury. I don’t know what to do man. It really hurts when I scratch shit up. I am getting pretty depressed.”

Like most other cats, Mulligan has only four digits, or paw pads, but suffers the exact symptoms and problems shared by humans who use computers on a daily basis in their line of work.

“Look, the rules are very strict,” said California State L&I Case Manager Riley, a 14-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold. “It is the same for panda bears, they too are exempt from filing claims for carpal tunnel-related issues. These are the laws of the state and are made public for anyone to read at any time. It is not a personal thing.”

Riley said " isn't personal."

Mulligan had to quit his job at the hotline and is looking for work somewhere where he doesn’t need to use his hands. “I filled out an application to be a donut maker the other day,” he said, “but I think even that requires the use of hands.”

Attorneys at the firm of Stern and Tabby, LLP, have picked up the case on a pro-bono basis and are planning to take it all the way to the State Supreme Court if necessary.

“This is digit-based discrimination, plain and simple.” A spokescat for the firm said in a public statement to the Gazette, “It is a shame that folks like the unemployed Octomom-woman can get seemingly unending financial assistance from the state without working and yet here is a hard-working cat with a real claim who can’t get help. He is fast growing depressed himself because of the pain and we are going to help him.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Really Big Spider Seen In Local Kitchen

Smokey Point, WA

It was a chilly, cool morning like any other until Barney saw the spider crawling up into the cabinets in his kitchen. Barney, a 10-year-old, neutered, Himalayan, was toasting his morning Pop-Tart when the terror began.

“I got so scared I dropped my mug of hot cocoa.” said Barney, “I had just put the scoop of Marshmallow Fluff in it too, so it was a real shame, and a mess.” Barney said the spider was “really, really, big, and scary.” and he called the fire department immediately for assistance.

“I had never been in that kind of situation before so I really wasn’t sure what to do.” Barney stated that he unplugged the toaster, called 911, put on his tin foil hat, and left the house.

The spider managed to evade investigators and escape

The spider, large, and menacing, was seen crawling up the wall towards the ceiling in an apparent attempt to gain access to the cupboards where Barney stores his prized Spode Blue Room Collection dinner plates.

“I don’t know what it wanted or what it was doing.” he said, “But I can tell you that it meant business. It went straight up behind the cabinet wood and stayed there.”

Fire officials called to scene reportedly found no sign of the terrifying arachnid. They searched the entire house with hoses and bug repellent for approximately two hours to the dismay of neighbors.

Fire Chief Snuggles said the spider “…got away”

“We assured neighbors there was no imminent threat at hand.” said Fire Chief and lead investigator Snuggles, a 15-year-old Domestic Short Hair male. “We are taking the usual precautions, but it looks like this particular spider got away.”

Cats in the neighborhood were warned about the spider’s possible whereabouts and an impromptu neighborhood watch team was put together in just a few hours.

Neighbor cat Spaghetti, a 3-year-old, spayed, Scottish Fold was terrified at the thought of a spider on the loose, especially one so large in size.

Neighbor cat Spaghetti was “horrified”

“I am horrified that something like this could happen in this neighborhood.” said Spaghetti, “I moved here with my family because we thought that kind of thing just didn’t happen here. Now, with the economy the way it is, we will be stuck here under these conditions.”

Small kittens are being kept inside and even young teencats have been put on curfew until the terrorizing spider can be caught and dealt with.

“We will just have to band together and protect our own.” said Barney after his house was cleared by the fire department. “We have good communication in this cul-de-sac. Believe me, that spider will be found.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Cat Angered By Obama’s Unfulfilled Cheezburger Promise

Seattle, WA

A group of concerned Seattle cats met for a community forum-style debate this evening to discuss the lack of cheezburger assistance from President Obama’s White House.

Obama had previously promised citizens quick cheezburger reform and dispersal via his Cheezburger Stimulus package. But the deal, signed into law this past February (as reported by the Gazette) has cats asking ‘where’s the beef?’

Cats are up in arms over the lack of cheezburgers made available on the open market to cats in need. Billions of cheezburgers have been doled out to financial institutions and even the auto industry in the largest company bailout in worldwide history, but no one single cat has yet to benefit.

Obama worked directly with Cheezburger cat

“It’s all good for the CEOs of companies like Bear Stearns, AIG, and Citigroup. They got billions of cheezburger assistance.” said Freya, a 6-year-old, spayed, Bengal, originally from the U.K., “But what about us folks who are actually being responsible home owners, still paying our mortgages despite the fact we lost our jobs? We are keeping up on payments, but we are too cash poor to do anything else. We need those damn cheezburgers now not later.”

Back on December 27, 2008, then President-Elect Obama outlined a Cheezburger Stimulus package promising a cheezburger to each and every cat in these difficult economic times.

It has now been two months since he became President and not one cat or kitten has seen a cheezburger from the Federal Government.

Freya said “Obama told us the cheezburgers would be ‘this thick’…he lied.”

“They are taking a top-down approach to this cheezburger bailout.“ said Freya, “It just seems to be the case and it is teaching people that it is okay to be irresponsible. How many cheezburgers have they doled out already? No one seems to have an exact number. I heard 3.5 billion and I heard 850 billion. “Obama told us the cheezburgers would be ‘this big’…well, he lied.”

As reported by the Gazette on February 16, 2009, Obama announced an historic plan to sign the Stimulus Package into law with the famed Cheezburger cat by his side. He promised to help provide at least two cheezburgers to a household.

As Freya stated, Obama promised cheezburgers “this thick” to cats on 12/27/08

Mr. Obama had reportedly teared up as he signed the bill into law this past February, saying “I say to you, all of you, again, yes, you can has cheezburger, and indeed, tomorrow we will make it so.”

To date, there have been billions of cheezburgers given away with taxpayer money to companies and banks, but not one cheezburger to the very cats who are footing this expensive bill.

“I am imperfect.” said President Obama recently when questioned about the status of cheezburger assignment. “I said before that this was going to take time…and let me just be clear on this, it will take time for a cheezburger to reach every cat.”

Until that time one thing is clear, millions of cats all across the country are yearning for the cheezburgers they truly need and have worked hard and suffered for.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay
Cat Photo Courtesy Of: Freya The Cat,

Notorious Twitter Addict Cat Dumped By Fiancé

Seattle, WA

A local cat was dumped by his fiancé this afternoon after he reportedly chose love for his Twitter account over his love for her. Sam, a 7-year-old Domestic Short Hair male was none too happy to be dumped, and quickly went back to his computer to update the fact in a new tweet.

“He spent all his time in front of the computer waiting for someone, anyone, to say something.” said Violet, a 4-year-old, spayed, Flame Point Siamese. “When I met him he said he liked Twitter, but I thought that he meant he really liked to look at birds or porn or something.”

Twitter is a social networking service that enables users to send and read other peoples’ social updates, which are known as ‘tweets.’ Updates are displayed on the user's customized profile page and delivered to other users who have signed up to receive them. The question posed on Twitter is “What are you doing?” and your ‘job’ is to answer it. Thus, you tweet.

A Twitter Addict award posted on Sam’s wall should have been a warning call

Violet said the once-hot relationship became continually cold as time went on and that Sam was constantly on the lookout on dates for a quick place to get online and check his account. “Wherever we went, he kept saying there should be a hash tag for this or that…” she said, “It drove me nuts, what is a hash tag for crying out loud?”

Violet said she should have known something was a bit different about Sam from the start when on a date she asked what kind of food he liked and he replied, ‘#steak, #pancakes, #Nutella, and #candy corn.’

“I knew his friend was fired from his job in sales because he twittered about his boss. But I never expected Sam to be just as bad. He even has an award on the wall that he won about being a tweeter addict or whatever.”

Violet gave up on Sam, saying “…he was an addict”

The romance began to decline as time went on and Sam became more and more attached to his computer. “One day he left me a love note and addressed it to ‘@Violetcat.’ What is this crap?“ She said one afternoon she came in to his den to find him crying over a broken F5 key.

“He would go into these mood swings, too. Suddenly, he’d be by my side and sweet to me. Then I realized those were just the times that Twitter was having an outage, and when I confronted him he was even more upset. He said he really wanted to tweet about being pissed off that Twitter was down. What can I say? He was an addict.”

The formula to disconnect your loved one from Twitter forever

Violet broke up with Sam, but before she did, she hired a hacker to go into Sam’s computer while they were at their final dinner where she was to break up with him.

“I wanted to teach him a lesson.” said Violet. “And I sure did.“ The hacker broke into Sam’s Seattle loft condo and logged onto his Mac. He then maliciously modified Sam’s ‘/etc/hosts’ file so his host server could no longer connect to Twitter.

“Just imagine his face when he got home,” laughed Violet, “He’ll be ripping ready to tweet only to find he can’t!” Violet smiled and said her only plans were to go home and update her blog and Facebook page.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Cat Passes Out After Eating Eleven Apple Fritters

Lynnwood, WA

At 3:30am yesterday, young kitten Ernie, a 1-year-old Scottish Fold male, decided he could not wait any longer. Excited and unable to sleep, Ernie ran downstairs and grabbed the DVD he knew his momcat had bought for him just the night before.

This past Saturday, teencats everywhere gave a collective sigh of relief as the movie ‘Twilight’ was officially released on DVD, complete with a new feature, special LOLcat subtitles.

Ernie put the DVD into the player and went to the kitchen pantry to survey the area for just the right snack. His momcat had bought a box of apple fritters for the family, probably a baker’s dozen, and he opened the box to take a whiff.

The special 'Twilight' LOLcat Edition 2-disc gift set

“I was only going to eat one.“ said Ernie, “I knew the rest were meant for my family. They just smelled so good.“ Ernie said he had then grabbed the pink box and a glass of milk, and sat himself on the couch with the remote.

“I was so excited to see Edward, you know, I read all of the books. But I couldn’t go see Twilight in the theatres because they don’t have LOLcat subtitles, but the DVD does!”

As time went on, Ernie said that a feeding frenzy of sorts began. “I couldn’t stop myself,” he said, “I ate one then decided, oh why not one more, momcat won’t mind. Then two became three became nine…”

Ernie’s momcat came downstairs the next morning to find Ernie still clutching the remote control, his face covered in icing crumbs and only a single fritter left in the box.

Tomato admitted she “wanted a fritter too.”

“I am not sure what he thought his alibi was going to be.” said momcat Tomato, a 15-year-old, spayed, Scottish Fold female, “But he was passed-ass-out cold and the DVD was still playing.”

At some point during the film, the urge for fritter overtook the urge for Twilight and Ernie’s brain turned to mush.

“We had to use smelling salts to wake him, so far gone he was.” Tomato continued. “I thought I could trust him, but I guess I learned my lesson here this morning.”

Ernie was grounded for two weeks with no reading or TV privileges and has to mow the lawn each week to earn money to pay for the DVD that was once a gift.

“He needs to learn that there are limits to behavior.” Tomato said, “He was excited, great, about Edward and all this insane ‘Twilight’ stuff…but I wanted a fritter too.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Local Cat Mistaken For Dust Bunny

Edmonds, WA

A local cat was rescued from the depths of a cold, plastic garbage can this morning after a Human, thinking she was a dust bunny, mistakenly swept her up and threw her out.

Godzilla, a 10-year-old, beautiful, gray Himalayan female was sleeping on the cool hardwood floors in the entryway of her home when she was captured.

“I remember hearing a funny sort of chittering noise,” said Godzilla, “It was very dark and kind of smelly, then all of a sudden there was daylight and I was looking up into the face of a terrifying and vicious raccoon.”

Godzilla’s Human had mistook the slumbering ball of plush, pretty fur for an unusually large dust bunny. Dust bunnies found in corners, like the area where Godzilla was sleeping, tend to be a bit larger in size.

Jane said she was very shocked to find a whole cat in the garbage can

“I was going to that house like I usually do.” said Jane, a 1-year-old raccoon, “They tend to have donut crumbs in the morning and chili-cheese cornbread, I really like cornbread.” Jane stated that she got in the garbage can as per usual, found a big chunk of tofu and was then surprised to see a cat in the can. “Cats taste pretty good. I couldn‘t figure out at first why they‘d throw it away uneaten.”

“I dropped the tofu cube in surprise.” said Jane, “The cat opened her eyes and freaked.” The cat then screamed loudly, puffed up into an even bigger furball and reportedly “clawed Hell” out of young Jane on her way out of the can.

The garbage can where Godzilla was dumped

“This raccoon was looking at me like it wanted to eat me or something.” said Godzilla, clearly still shaken from the strange rescue. “When I got out of the can the raccoon stared at me and then politely introduced herself. I think I scared her as much as she scared me.”

The two started talking and Jane told Godzilla there had been a good number of dust bunnies, a few pink Marshmallow Peeps, some dirt, and laundry lint in the garbage beside her sleeping body. That is when it became clear that Godzilla had been dumped by accident, having been mistaken for a large dust bunny.

“I was terrified. I was in complete shock. Jane is a very scary looking creature.” said Godzilla, “It’s true that I am no stranger to being thrown out of the house, but it’s just usually for peeing in the bathtub or something a bit more fun.”

Godzilla said she was “scared”

A box of Band-Aids was brought from the house to cover Jane’s 37 scratches. Godzilla was in good condition although a bit fatigued after the incident. In return for saving her from the garbage dump Godzilla invited Jane to dine with her at the local Pine Cone Inn and Bakery.

The Human in question has been forgiven, but must make restitution by means of fresh turkey legs and catnip corncobs. Godzilla said she will seek her own stealthy form of revenge by hiding the Human’s car keys, urinating on freshly pressed dry cleaning, and pushing rented DVDs as far under the couch as she can.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Monday, March 23, 2009

First Same-Sex Cat Marriage Celebrated In Connecticut

Capitol Hill, WA

Seattle-area cats Cesar and Bismark, partners since 2005, traveled to Connecticut from their home in Seattle's Capitol Hill district this past weekend to become the very first gay cat couple to be married in that state.

Connecticut joined Massachusetts as only the second state in the U.S. to perform same-sex marriages on November 12, 2008. Connecticut enacted a civil union law back in 2005 that provided the same rights and responsibilities to same-sex couples as marriage.

Cesar and Bismark met at the University of Hawaii in 2005, where they both studied Oceanography. Bismark, a 12-year-old, neutered, Orange Domestic Short Hair said that when he met Bismark at Waimanalo Beach Park his heart stopped.

Fred and Henry hope to someday wed

“I saw this perfect cat, standing at surf’s edge,” recalled Cesar, “his eyes were closed and he was listening to the waves. It took my breath away.”

Bismark, a 14-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, was doing graduate research on the marine life of O’ahu. “I turned and saw Cesar. The color of the ocean was filling into deep the pools of his eyes,” said Bismark, “I walked to him that day and took his paw. We have been together ever since.”

“Oh, girl, the way they look at each other is so hot.” said partners Fred and Henry, both friends of the couple, “We hope that after they are married that the trend carries over to Seattle so we can get married too, but without the travel. We hate to fly.”

Cesar and Bismark graduated the University and currently are Certified Deep Sea Rescue Divers in Seattle. They go diving together both at work and in their free time.

“Deep Sea Diving is the only way for cats to really be in the water without really getting wet, you know?” said Cesar, “You have a suit and helmet so you never get wet.”

In 2008 they vacationed on the East Coast for a month. “Then we realized that we could be married there.” said Cesar.

Jinx said “there is somewhere for us all.”

“It was a sharply divided Connecticut Supreme Court that struck down the state’s civil union law, and it happened just this past November.” said volunteer worker and Obama supporter Jinx, a 5-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “It ruled that same-sex cat couples have a constitutional right to marry. We can only do that in Connecticut or Massachusetts, but at least there is somewhere for us all.”

On Sunday, at high noon, Cesar took Bismark to be his lawfully wedded husband and Bismark took Cesar to be the same. They are officially the first gay cat marriage in the state and indeed anywhere in the country.

The two cats are said to be happier than ever and plan to keep Seattle as their home, where they hope to adopt kittens.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Local Cat Accused Of Stealing Whoopie Pies

Seattle, WA

A local cat was taken into custody this evening after being caught with what appears to be the remains of a dozen stolen Whoopie Pies.

Workers at Remo Borracchini’s Bakery on Rainier Avenue in Seattle called police after being held up by a dangerous-looking cat wielding a pair of chopsticks. The cat, Brad, a 6-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold male, was reportedly not interested in money, just Whoopie Pies.

“He said he was from Maine and was dying for a Whoopie Pie.” said employee cat Ripley, an 11-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair female, “He was trembling, obviously hungry, and pointed a chopstick at me. He said he’d been to bakeries all over Seattle and nobody knew what a Whoopie Pie was.” Remo Borracchini's bakery has long been known as the very best and finest bakery in the entire state of Washington.

Whoopie Pies are a traditional snack cake from the East Coast, particular to Maine. Traditional to the Pennsylvania Dutch culture, a Whoopie Pie is a baked creation consisting of two unfrosted chocolate cakes with a creamy filling in between.

Brad told police Whoopie Pies are a “weakness”

The story says in olden times when the Pennsylvania Dutch farmers opened their lunches and found one, they would yell, ‘Whoopie, I got one!’ The pies are available all up and down the East Coast in bakeries and in supermarkets, but are much harder to find on the West Coast.

When Brad came in to rob the store, he was delighted to discover that Borracchini’s Bakery does, in fact, make and sell Whoopie Pies. He pointed a chopstick directly at the clerk and demanded that she put a dozen in a box and hand them over.

“I asked him if he wanted thirteen,” said Ripley, “We usually give a baker’s dozen, you know…but he said he only wanted the twelve so I boxed them up real nice. I mean, for a robber, he was real polite.”

Ripley said “…for a robber, he was real polite.”

Brad was seen dashing out the door with the pink bakery box under his arms just moments later and the staff called Seattle Police to report the unusual robbery.

Police combed the area and eventually found and followed a trail of chocolate crumbs that led them to an alley behind a Wendy’s restaurant. “We had three cars there just in case anything bad happened.” said Seattle Police Detective Turnip, “We knew he’d be real hopped up on sugar and things like that can get outta hand really fast.”

Police surrounded the Wendy’s and found Brad snoring loudly, lying back against the garbage dumpster. Head tilted back, tongue poking out, and the pink box opened with only scant amount of chocolate crumbs, and smears of vanilla filling remaining. A true sugar orgy completed.

“He clearly ate the evidence.” said Detective Turnip, a 16-year-old Domestic Short Hair male from Alki, “But we have closed-circuit video that identifies him as the perp and shows intent.”

Officer Turnip said Brad will feel “…really gross.”

Police lifted Brad into a squad car, took the bakery box, and escorted him downtown to the local precinct to be paw printed and booked into custody.

A representative from Remo Borracchini’s bakery said they will not be pressing charges. “We feel for Brad. We are actually glad that we were able to help him out with the Whoopie Pies and from it we may get a bit of free advertising. He is a satisfied customer, sort of. That is good enough for us.”

“Brad ate twelve Whoopie Pies in total. All I can say is that when he wakes up from that sugar coma, he’s gonna feel really gross.” said Detective Turnip, “Really gross.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Friday, March 20, 2009

Area Cat Admits To Keeping Butter In Refrigerator

Caesar stated " tastes gross warm."
Edmonds, WA

An Edmonds cat reportedly admitted last night that he keeps his butter in the refrigerator, not on the counter.

The cat, Caesar, is a 3-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair male, who has lived in Edmonds his entire life. He was interviewed outside his home on a chilly night and was fairly open as to the status of his butter.

"Well, I am not sure how much, but there is butter in there (the refrigerator). It was on sale and I figured I'd just pick some up while it was cheap, you know, in case I needed it for some reason." Caesar said to reporters "My momcat sometimes comes over and uses it for baking or cooking. I don't really use it myself, but yes, I do keep it in the fridge rather than on the countertop."

The refrigerator in Caesar's home where he keeps butter

Sources say that butter will keep for a long time refrigerated. Up to six weeks. You can also freeze this product and it will keep for over a year. "My momcat always used to keep the butter out on the counter in a butter dish."

Caesar said "Personally, I always thought warm, mushy butter was kind of icky, especially in the summer, to me it just tastes gross warm."

Normal butter softens to a spreadable consistency around 15 °C (60 °F), certainly above most refrigerator temperatures. The butter section found in most refrigerators may be one of the warmest sections in it, but it still keeps butter quite cool and hard.

Butter is kept in the refrigerator or covered, in a dish on the counter

Keeping butter very tightly wrapped delays spoiling, which is also hastened by exposure to any light and air, and also helps prevent it from picking up other odors from your refrigerator.

Caesar admits that if he does use butter he simply warms it up a bit in the microwave before spreading it on toast or whatever he needs it for.

He stated further that if his momcat comes over she will always take the butter out and put it on the counter in a covered butter dish without fail. "It is probably our greatest disagreement..." he says of the butter "...we simply agree to disagree."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Local Student Cat Stabs Accounting Professor With Spork

Seattle, WA

The time for college finals is drawing near and tensions are building in classrooms everywhere across the country. Violence broke out this afternoon in a classroom at Seattle Central Community College when a local cat stabbed his Accounting professor with a spork after a nervous fit.

The spork, a plastic combination of fork and spoon, familiar to diners of Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants everywhere, was not picked up by the school’s metal detectors and was thus became an impromptu weapon for the unexpected attack.

Henry, a 5-year-old, neutered, Former Feral, Domestic Short Hair, was stressing out as the accounting professor began a detailed review for the final examination. Professor Cat Beatrice, a 9-year-old Tortoise Shell female, has had tenure at Seattle Central Community College for 4 years and has been never had a problem with students before the odd attack by young Henry.

Above, a photo of the spork wielded by Henry

“I was freaking out, we all were, really.” said Henry in a statement to campus security, “She (the professor) was talking way to fast. The stuff was flying right outta my head, I couldn't keep up. I am really terrible at math. I thought this was going to be a fun class…it is frustrating.”

Henry is a Phi Theta Kappa honor student and his fears of earning a grade of less than a 3.9 drove him to sweat and tears. Henry explained “She’s going over stuff and I’m thinking, every time I add up my numbers on my working papers I get a different answer, every time! How is that possible? Is it the calculator? I just got more and more frustrated and angry as time went on.” Henry's mounting frustration prompted the strange spork attack.

Accounting professor Beatrice was shocked by the attack

The spork in question had been tucked away, forgotten, in Henry’s jacket pocket after a hot lunch of mashed potatoes, extra crispy fried chicken, corn on the cob and a hot biscuit at Kentucky Fried Chicken. While Henry sat in the classroom sweating out the review with hands drawn into his pockets, he nervously tightened his grip on the spork without really being aware of what he was doing.

Classmate Melvin, a 4-year-old, neutered Scottish Fold, was aghast at his behavior. “He took it out…” he said, “And he sporked her right in the ass!”

Lucky for Henry, the tight, constricting girdle worn by the professor served as a sort of makeshift ‘bulletproof vest,’ preventing the spork’s tines from perforating the delicate weave of her tailored tweed skirt.

A wide-eyed Melvin gave details of the attack to campus security

“She screeched like a wild June bug and the glasses came flying right off her face.” said Melvin of the attack. Thankfully unharmed, Melvin said the young professor then “Turned all shades of Hades red, right down to her turtleneck, reached over, grabbed Henry by the ear, and dragged him to the campus security office by herself.”

“I don’t think he knew what he was doing.” Melvin said. “His eyes were big and black and a little crazed. There were beads of sweat on the fur of his brow. That spork just came flying out of nowhere!”

Henry will be placed on academic probation and given an incomplete grade until a decision can be made by the school’s Board of Admission and Ethics Committee. Professor Beatrice is fine and click-clacked her heels right back down the hallway and finished teaching her review lesson.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Admitted Lap Whore Seeks Treatment In Edmonds

Edmonds, WA

A local cat has sought the help of friends and family tonight after leading a life filled with multiple laps. The cat, Ovid, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair originally from Boston, MA, said that he realized he was hurting not just himself, but members of his own family by his lascivious acts of lap-swapping.

“I am a cat owned by lust.” said Ovid, “I will do anything for a warm, cozy lap to nap on.” Ovid said that he used to be an indoor cat until managing to sneak outside once too often, prompting his owners to allow him indoor/outdoor status within the household.

“I have a Human,” Ovid said, “I love her dearly, but once I got outside I realized there are so many other laps to sit on and enjoy. It became an addiction for me.”

The addiction began one afternoon when Ovid met Jim, an older man in the neighborhood who enjoyed gardening and sitting in a chair in the morning sun with a good cup of coffee. “Jim was my first affair,” said Ovid, “I wandered into his garden and was overcome with the smells of lavender and rosemary. I walked in and he was in a chair and he asked me to come up onto his lap to be petted, and well…I did.”

Ovid said that he is “owned by lust”

This first affair gave Ovid a taste for the kindness of strangers that became a thirst for personal gratification and ego-stroking on a daily basis.

“Next I met Chris, he lives next door and is much younger. He works on his car often and I would wander into the garage nonchalantly and after one look into my eyes he was captivated by me. He has spent hours petting me, brushing my hair, and whispering in my ears while he reads Chilton manuals.”

Ovid’s human began to wonder about him as he often came home late, covered in either leaves or car grease from his wild petting romps, and often smelling like another Human. Ovid stated that he began going from house to house and sleeping in random laps, sometimes sleeping in two laps on the same day.

A private photo of Ovid in Chris’ lap

“I have let her down,” Ovid said of his Human. “I am addicted to attention. It is my problem, not hers.”

The DSM IV (or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition) defines lap addiction as a maladaptive pattern of abuse manifested by recurring failure to fulfill major obligations, repeating behavior despite interference with social standings, and failure to sleep on the lap you were adopted to.

Ovid is to undergo outpatient treatment at the Schick Shadel Hospital of Seattle. Upon successful course graduation he will start to attend bi-weekly Lap Addicts Anonymous meetings and will undergo a thorough evaluation by a team of substance-abuse physicians to rule-out any further issues once every month thereafter.

Ovid plans to write a book about his exploits called “Secret Life of a Lap Whore.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

New Abercrombie Catalog Promotes Fur-on-Fur Wear

Bellevue, WA

A hot, new catalog out for the always controversial Abercrombie & Fitch company has started yet another outcry for censorship.

The Spring/Summer 2009 Catalog features cats wearing fur coats, pants, and shirts made from the hides of domesticated ferret, chinchilla, wild squirrel, possum, and the ever popular hair of the dog.

PETA has launched a new campaign in an effort to draw attention to the ads saying that they are just plain wrong. "Fur is murder, even if worn on top of fur it is murder...I think." said PETA spokespersons Bob and Sourdough, "Abercrombie is always pushing the envelope, usually with nudity, before it was showing skin, now it is showing fur. Frankly, we are appalled."

Max was outraged by the plethora of fur choices offered

At Bellevue Square's Saturday catalog launching promotion, eight buff, male models sporting the new line of furs were doused with large cans of Campbell's Tomato Soup in protest. Young teencat Max, a 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair from Renton said, "People who already have fur should not be wearing additional fur."

One PETA fan was carried away screaming for animal rights while holding onto a live ferret and a beef and chicken kabob.

Spokesman Bob is focused on the wants of young teencats

Representatives from Abercrombie & Fitch said that they watch their target teencat audience very closely and pay attention to what is considered 'hot.' "This season it is very animalistic in theme...think fangs," said Bob, a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair male. "The kids are into 'Twilight' and 'New Moon' so we are big on the hairy werewolf, heavy metal, dark, almost emo vibe."

Regardless of whether the publicity is bad or good, spokespeople for Abercrombie & Fitch stated that any publicity is good publicity and plan to heavily promote the catalog.

The catalog will be distributed solely in Europe due to previous outcries from conservative censorship groups in the US.

Interesting sidebar; Jimmy Mack's Chicken Shack was also closed down due to animal rights activists protesting the right to life for all chickens in America.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Monday, March 16, 2009

Jennifer Aniston Dumped By John Mayer’s Cat

Hollywood, CA

The on-again, off-again relationship between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer’s cat, Johnny, has come to an end, again.

Love has slipped through Jennifer Aniston's fingers in the last few days. Rumor has it that the beauty has been dumped by her musician boyfriend, Johnny. Rumors are abuzz all over the world that the 31-year-old singer has told the former Friends star, 40, that their relationship was finally over when she returned home from visiting the UK to promote comedy flick Marley & Me.

"They had some disagreements about litter and catnip use and decided to not continue to see each other," said a local cat. "Jen is moving on with her life like she always does. She seems happy,” the source added.

Jen met Johnny, above, and fell instantly in love

“Look, he just wasn’t that into her.” another cat said. “She wanted him declawed so that he wouldn’t mess up her furniture, and Johnny was a smart cat and wanted no part of that.”

There had long been rumor in the tabloids that Jen wanted a litter of kittens with Johnny, and preferably before or during her 40th year. “Johnny has a reputation as a ladies’ cat.” said a friend of his, “She was out to fix a gaping hole in her heart left by Mr. Pitt and Johnny seemed a great answer to her.”

This is not the first time Aniston and Mayer have split. In August of 2008, they called it quits. At the time Johnny held an impromptu press conference outside his gym in New York, explaining to the media: "I ended a relationship to be alone because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right."

During her trip, the He's Just Not That Into You actress recently told a magazine: “Who ever said every relationship has to last forever?”

Aniston was seen yesterday in the arms of an unknown dog

Perhaps the more interesting fact is that Jennifer Aniston has told friends that she dumped Johnny and not the other way around. “She said it all came down to sleeping habits.” a source revealed, “Johnny was a musician and a cat, he slept all hours of the day, sometimes 20 hours or more.” Aniston’s publicists will be quick to put the flames out on any and all such rumors. “She also didn’t like cat litter being tracked around her new home in Malibu. She is a perfectionist and she hated that he was so young and messy.”

She is said to be much angered by reports that she was dumped by Johnny. The pair attended the Oscars last month as seen in the photo above, but according to 'The Sun', their older woman-younger cat relationship "went cold" shortly after the ceremony. A source added: “They had a great time at the Oscars, but he seemed to go cold right after. It’s humiliating. To say her feelings are hurt is an understatement.”

John Mayer said his cat thought Aniston was "too clingy."

Aniston was seen yesterday in the arms of an unknown canine companion, trying to soothe the pain of a broken heart in the arms of dog? Even Johnny's owner, musician John Mayer, said "Hey man, even my cat couldn't stand her clinginess."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay