Friday, July 31, 2009

Police Fear Ancient Greek Gorgon ‘Medusa’ Loose In Renton

Renton, WA

Renton residents left their drapes closed and walked their kittens to the store today in this middle-class neighborhood where one squirrel and three yard gnomes were mysteriously turned to stone.

Police called the murders ‘a deliberate, calculated act’ and said that they fear the Ancient Gorgon Medusa may be at large in the area.

According to Ancient Greek mythology, Medusa (whose name means guardian) is a Gorgon, a female monster whose gaze turns people to stone on sight. She also has two sisters whose whereabouts are unknown.

Just one glance at the Ancient Gorgon turns a person to stone

“I am terrified to even go outside to pee,” said Guido, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who lives next door to the murdered squirrel.

“I saw a large, cloaked woman strolling the area last night,” said Tandy, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “I thought she just had dreadlocks or something…her hair was big. I’m glad I didn’t look directly at her face.”

The Washington State Patrol said in a statement that they have worked successfully with Medusa in the past, to prevent people from ‘rubbernecking’ at accident sites and causing heavy traffic congestion.

These picnicking gnomes became her victims

State and local police are not sure why Medusa would be in the Renton area or why she would be murdering gnomes, or anyone for that matter.

“She was very polite when I worked with her…and she did her job well,” Patrolman Breezy Jesus said. “No one would dare stop and gawk at the accident scenes once they heard she was on site.”

“We are confident that this was not random in nature,” said Renton Police Detective Stephen Abrams. “Not many people have the ability to turn people into stone. People need to be made aware of the dangers here, whether she has been helpful to us in the past or not, there are now four (creatures) dead.”

Desimo Puma is concerned for safety

Police are using mirrors to check parks, basements, and local tanning salons to see if they can locate the dreaded Gorgon.

All doors at the Renton YMCA were tightly locked and summer camp participants had to eat their lunches inside, despite the nice weather.

“Kids don’t get it, they hear some lady has a head of snakes and they wanna look,” said Desimo Puma, an 8-year-old Maine Coon who owns and operates a local bubble tea establishment. “We have to get the word out or more lives could be lost.”

Police are currently combing through hundreds of calls on the tip line and interviewing many potential witnesses, but said so far their leads have gone stone cold.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Yard Ornament Pictures: By ME!
Medusa by Carvaggio

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Study Finds White Male Cats Hit Hardest By Unemployment

Seattle, WA

Male cats, especially the white ones, are bearing the brunt of job loss in this torrid economy, according to a study done by a group of male, angry, white cats.

The study, which came out yesterday, dubbed the disturbing trend a “revolt against all cats that are white” and advocated much needed efforts to channel male, white cats into female-dominated career fields like operating nail salons and stripping.

The study examined the demographics of all cats receiving Washington State Unemployment Benefits between December 2008 and June 2009.

Hirum McFatpants lost his lawn mowing job to an undocumented yard gnome

“I lost my job mowing lawns at the high school,” said Hirum McFatpants, a 9-year-old, Persian-Domestic Short Hair Mix, “It was a difficult job to get in the first place and when I went back there I found out they’d hired some foreign yard gnome to do my job for half the salary.”

Stories such as these abound. Officials found the number of white male cats receiving benefits increased 190 percent during the period of the study.

White male cats saw a 200 percent increase during that time, the largest percentage increase among all hairy groups, and one that put them ahead of all black cats on the list of claimants for the first time since this economic downturn began.

Felix lost his straight-male escort job to a plastic goose from Canada

Department officials said the data, which was compiled entirely by a group of white, angry, male cats, reflects a recession in which white, male cat-dominated industries like hot dog sales and fruit pickers are taking an especially harsh beating.

"Angry, white, male cats tend to dominate escort services and janitorial services, two of the industries that have been hardest hit by layoffs in our state," Washington State Unemployment Advisor Figgy Pudding said.

By comparison, Figgy Pudding said black cats and other inanimate objects such as yard donkeys and gnomes have largely been over-represented in professions like construction, finances, and racketeering, some of the few middle class occupations that were not previously available to them during the previous decades.

Once popular white collar jobs like racketeering are down being downsized

Another angry, white cat, Felix Swizzlestick, said his job as a straight male escort was taken away and given to a plastic, Canadian goose, who was in the country on a work visa and willing to work for much less pay.

Figgy Pudding said the next generation of angry, white, male cats must reconsider their professions as traditionally male-centered jobs, like money laundering, for example, as being phased out.

He encouraged community colleges to increase efforts to recruit these angry, white males. Officials say they will examine ways to retrain these hapless, jobless morons and encourage them to examine non-traditional careers, like fencing.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random

Monday, July 27, 2009

Cats Who Peed In Pool Must Now Clean It, City Says

Seattle, WA

Two Edmonds teencats are busy this afternoon, scrubbing down the now-dry walls of the Edmonds Public pool after they were caught peeing in it just yesterday afternoon.

Peeing in the pool is more common than you might think, about one in two cats admit to doing it and some admit they actually really like it.

Public pools across the country are super busy for the summer season, but the events at the Edmonds pool could make you think twice about jumping in.

Peeing in pools is a fun and thrilling hobby

Scatterby, a 6-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, and Cesar Augusto Rimbaldo, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, were both enjoying the sweltering summer day until one of them decided to let loose in the pool.

“I decided to swim away from everyone else first,“ said Scatterby, who works as a bouncer at Giggles nightclub in Seattle, “Then I started to swim back as soon as I started peeing, to avoid making a warm pocket of it for someone else to swim into.”

Scatterby’s plan didn’t work as well as he intended. A bunch of kittens started squealing about finding a “warm spot” to their momcat, who started to suspect foul play.

Cesar believes the look on his face while peeing gave him away

When Cesar saw what Scatterby was up to, he joined the fun. “I decided to walk over into the shallow end so (the pee) would spread out and not stay in one spot.”

According to a recent poll, almost half of all cats admit to one or more behaviors that contribute to an unsanitary pool. After all, peeing in pools is a fun and thrilling hobby.

And you've probably suspected as much, since the poll also showed 95 percent of us believe our fellow swimmers participate in pool peeing.

The momcat who witnessed the boy’s peeing notified lifeguards, who then called Police. The pool was shut down and the cats were told they would be spending the next day scrubbing out the entire pool by hand.

Cesar admitted he is a nine-time offender at the Edmonds pool

“Peeing in the pool isn’t cool,” said the momcat, who wished to remain anonymous.

One in two respondents admitted to peeing in the pool, and liking it, while almost nine in ten are convinced that their fellow swimmers are guilty of this act.

About a third of all cats admitted that they jump in without showering first. Despite all this nastiness, cats said that they usually tried to put it out of their minds and just try to enjoy the swim.

Whether or not you pee in pools, you should know that unclean water can actually lead to recreational water illnesses like diarrhea, reduced sexual potency, as well as ear and skin infections.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Slowest Dog Who Ever Lived Proves Useful, Sort Of

Edmonds, WA

If you feel frustrated, tired, overwhelmed, or just out of balance with yourself, maybe it's because you don't make time for yourself. Change your ways. Practice some self-care and take Teddy for a walk.

Theodore Samuel “Teddy” Williams, a 12-year-old, neutered, Chow Chow is the slowest dog who ever lived. He lives in Edmonds, having been recently adopted by a family of four cats.

Teddy’s new owners say that taking Teddy for a walk takes so goddamned long that it allows you to renew, heal, and create reserves of energy and inner peace that you knew you always needed, but never had the time to do.

Izzy is proud of the Zen sand garden she recently started work on

"Walking Teddy is a great way to get a tan," said Lady Isadora Daisy Bingmann-Ryan, a 6-month-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. "If the sun is out, I mean. He's so slow it's kinda almost like standing in one spot."

The Lady Isadora Daisy Bingmann-Ryan says the sense of self-awareness she has developed by being bored on the long walks with Teddy has left her with a “Zen-like” tranquility and she has begun a Zen garden of her own in her litterbox.

Honoring one’s self by taking such periods of time by walking Teddy enables you to discover your inner being, access your creativity and experience a sense of peace, wholeness, purpose, and balance, after the initial frustration goes away.

Teddy said he doesn’t give a “shit” what anyone wants

"Instead of grounding my kittens when they misbehave, I make them walk Teddy," said her dadcat, Murphy, an 8-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. "It's the worst thing I could do as a parent when the kittens misbehave. It's long and boring, doesn’t involve TV or the internet, and involves picking up poop at random intervals."

"He just stops. For no reason, and stares at you. It's infuriating, especially when you need to be somewhere,” agreed Lady Isadora Daisy Bingmann-Ryan. When asked by the Gazette what he thought of the cats’ opinions, Teddy said he really just “didn’t give a shit” what anyone wanted.

"One time I took Teddy out for a walk and I was able to read War and Peace in it's entirety," said momcat Butter, a 9-year-old, spayed, Manx, who had been trying to find the time to read the classic masterpiece since dropping out of community college.

Murphy finds Teddy’s slowness “useful”

"Teddy is so slow that sometimes I feel like I'm tripping out and that I'm actually going backwards in time,” said The Lady Isadora Daisy Bingmann-Ryan, who admitted that at first she was scared of Teddy, but then soon realized he was an idiot and not the type to be feared.

“Walking Teddy gives you the time to contemplate major life changes," said Butter, "He gives you the time and space to really think things through and then completely change your mind again."

“I was going to paint the bathroom black," said Butter. “I had my heart really set on it. But the two and a half hours it took me to walk Teddy around the block gave me time to change my mind back to sea foam green. The family was pleased.”

At first The Lady Isadora Daisy Bingmann-Ryan was afraid of Teddy, but soon discovered he was an idiot

Happy for the peace and calmness the family derived from their walks with Teddy but concerned about his slowness, Murphy took Teddy to the vet, where he asked what could be done for him.

"My dog is so slow. Is there anything you can do for him?" The veterinarian gently picked Teddy up and was quiet.

Finally he said, "I'm going to have to put him down." Murphy gasped and asked, "What? Just because he is slow?" The vet replied, "No, because he is really, really heavy."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Cat Photos Courtesy: Izzy, Murphy, and Jenny Lee Ryan, Navajo Dam, New Mexico

Obscene Photos Of Watermelon Hit The Internet

Seattle, WA

It hit the net like a virus, absolutely out of nowhere. Suddenly, thousands of cats are reporting catching their significant others gazing hopefully at lewd photos of ripe, round, watermelons.

"How can I work on my marriage if my husband is upstairs looking at seedless watermelon?" asked May, a 7-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair.

May’s husband, Bandit, a 5-year-old Domestic Short Hair, has like so many other cats, has become hopelessly addicted to what has come to known to cats as ‘food porn.’"

‘This does nothing for my body image,’ Maya said

May said it all started one day when she walked in on him staring wide-eyed at a glossy, full-color grocery store ad.

"He was staring at the donuts," she said, "Those pudding-filled ones…I think they call them 'bismarks' or something. It was such a shock, and he was drooling.”

The watermelons, are shiny, green, ripe, and rotund. Some cats find them to be too much of a temptation.

"I can't help it if someone chooses to exploit me," said Roland, a 6-month-old Seedless Watermelon from Mexico, "I'm just sitting here, doing my job."

Sexy photographs like the one above have been hitting the internet like maddness

The topic of food porn is becoming a real issue with many cats these days. Sometimes, when cats are depressed, they develop bad habits and start bad behaviors they might not otherwise do.

"It really hurts my self-esteem," said Mieka, a 12-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. "I had an eating disorder once, and (the watermelon porn) brought some issues back to the surface when I found my boyfriend of 3 years openly gaping at a watermelon."

“I am very afraid what this could escalate into,” she continued. “I look at him and can see he’s thinking about something else. Now I think, ‘is it fried chicken? Watermelons?’”

Housewife cat Mieka admitted to suffering from an eating disorder in the past

“The watermelon are in the country legally and there is not much you can do to prevent this type of thing from occurring,” said Safeway food manager Mowgli. “The watermelons are not being harmed one bit. For us there is no issue here.”

"Some cats are just real freaks" agreed Piper, a 4-month-old, Organically Grown Watermelon from QFC. "I can't exactly stop someone from taking my picture, can I? I'd just roll away."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random and Obscene

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Hearing Dogs For Deaf Cats Not The Best Idea Yet

Seattle, WA

A beta test in the Seattle area is over this afternoon after an unsuccessful trial of pairing deaf cats with trained hearing dogs.

Hearing dogs are used to assist deaf and/or hard of hearing cats by alerting them to a variety of household sounds such as a knock on the front door, doorbell, alarm clock, oven timer, telephone, screaming spouse, or smoke alarm.

The service dogs are specially trained to make physical contact with the cats and lead them to the source(s) of the sound.

“The doorbell rang and that (dog) tried to eat me,” said Matzoh, a 14-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair. “What the hell?”

Matzoh was nearly eaten by his hearing dog

Matzoh and 15 other deaf Seattle-area cats were paired up with hearing dogs and agreed to work together for a two-week trial.

Hearing dogs are generally mixed breeds acquired from local animal shelters and are usually medium to large in size. They are easily identified by wearing an orange collar and leash and/or vest when they are working in public.

“I had to sleep on the roof for two weeks,” said Rambo, a 7-year-old, neutered, Persian Mix. “That dog would not stop chasing me, I lost three pounds.”

“All I wanted was the morning paper” said Jared

Dogs who apply to become hearing dogs are tested for proper temperament, sound reactivity, and willingness to work with cats.

Only after passing their first screenings, are they trained in basic dog obedience and exposed to dangerous things they will face with the cats out in public such as parking lots, crosswalks, and mimes.

“The dinger on the microwave would go off and the dog would drag me out of the house thinking it was on fire,” said Maplethorpe, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair.

Dieter layed his hearing dog out with a roundhouse punch

Hearing dogs may be trained professionally in as little as three months, though many are trained for closer to a year. Generally, training involves getting the dog to recognize a particular sound and then physically alert or lead their cat to or away from the source.

“We would go for walks and instead of keeping me away from cars he would chase them and drag me six miles down the road,“ said Dieter, a 3-year-old, Former Feral, Domestic Short Hair. “There are speed bumps where I live. When we got home I beat (him).”

After results were compiled, it was decided hearing dogs should not be paired with deaf cats.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos Random

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Marshmallow Peep Murder Remains Unsolved After 5 Years

Edmonds, WA

On July 14th, 2004, Bingo, a 4-year-old, green, Marshmallow Easter Peep, was discovered dead in her bed by her adopted son Axel and Bingo's older sister, Bandy.

Bingo, who’d lived in Friday Harbor all her life, had been stabbed with a small, plastic K-Bar knife. She was young and, having died without a husband, left her son in the care of her pink marshmallow sister.

Five years have passed, and her murder remains unsolved to this day.

Axel, a 6-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who works for QFC, says he is ready to talk about the horrific incident in the hopes police can bring the murderer(s) to justice.

Now an adult, this photo of Axel was taken days after the horrific crime

“All I can remember is seeing the mask and a person run out the front door,” he stated to police in a new interview this afternoon. “That mask, it was the one from the movie Scream. Whoever murdered my mother…(they) were wearing it.”

Retired homicide cop Jamie Gamer said both Friday Harbor police and the FBI first worked on the case, despite the fact the federal government has no jurisdiction in local murder cases.

At first police could find no one matching the description given them by young Axel. That Halloween, more than 47 suspects were rounded up by police, all matching the description given by young Axel.

Bandy says her sister is always in her thoughts

Due to lack of evidence in the matter, all suspects were let go but their candy was confiscated, fought over, and eaten by detectives.

“I miss her each and every day,” said sister Bandy, a pink Marshmallow Peep who teaches Greek to honor students at Meadowdale High School. “We built this house together and it will always be empty now.”

“This has been an unsolved murder case for five years now,” Axel said. “Halloween sucks for me until this is over. The thought of candy corn or Pixy Stix makes me sick.”

According to police, Bingo’s murder was one of what is now believed to be a series of nine murders which occurred in 2004. In one case, a yellow Marshmallow
Easter Peep was killed in a microwave.

Clues found at the scene in 2004 led nowhere

Sources said all of the victims were either Marshmallow Peeps who lived in a 15-mile radius.

All nine victims were stabbed, and one Peep was eaten. Their bodies were found in homes, under tires, and in mailboxes.

Addressing the continued efforts on this case’s fifth anniversary, Edmonds police officer Talon, a 6-year-old Scottish Fold, said in a statement to the press, “We are always working on it until we are not.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Peep Photos Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Thursday, July 9, 2009

FDA Says Do Not Exceed 25 Mini Chips Ahoy Cookies In Four Hours

Seattle, WA

The FDA is warning cats everywhere to limit the amount of Mini Chips Ahoy cookies consumed within a four hour period.

In a warning letter sent to the office of Public Health today, the FDA notes Mini Chips Ahoy cookies are being abused at a much higher rate than ever anticipated.

Cats everywhere already know well the lure of the deadly cookies. “It starts with just one and then before you know it you are on the scale regretting it and begging God for help,” said Riley, a 1-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair Ginger.

The FDA also takes issue with a Chips Ahoy web site mentioned on the nutrition label that uses language supporting increased libido and good looks from eating the cookies.

The FDA is imposing a 150-per-day upper limit

The FDA says information collected over the past five years has shown a dramatic increase in the amount of ER admissions due to Mini Chips Ahoy cookie overdose second only to that of peanut butter abuse, and apple fritter binges.

“We never anticipated anything like this,” claimed FDA public spokesman Jerry Servine, “It seems that no one cat is able to stop at the normal serving suggestion printed clearly on the bag’s nutrition label. There is an upper limit in terms of dosing with these cookies and the FDA has now set it to 150 in one 24-hour period.”

As evidence for putting a limit on the amount of cookies to be eaten, the FDA points to the ambiguous language on cookies’ label that includes this statement: "Put a little sexy in your snack life with Mini Chips Ahoy cookies!”

YoYo is a recovering snickerdoodle addict who used cookies to get off peanut butter

“That makes it look like the more cookies you eat, the more fun you will have,” said YoYo, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “I couldn’t get enough of them, they are so good. I began selling everything I had on craigslist just to get money to buy more.”

The FDA does allow a health claims linking soluble fiber from whole-grain cookies with a higher rate of fun.

But according to the FDA, the Mini Chips Ahoy label also inappropriately suggests that because they are small, you can eat more.

“I realize that they (the FDA) are just looking out for us as consumers here,” said Marmot, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “But this is going to just make them more difficult to get. A black market will rise.”

Marmot predicts the rise of a ‘black market’ for cookies

In response to the FDA’s placement of an upper limit on the cookies, the makers of Chips Ahoy have posted a notice on their website.

Chips Ahoy stated that "Chips Ahoy’s increased fun and excitement health claim has been FDA-approved for more than 15 years, and Chips Ahoy’s ‘These cookies can make you sexy in just in 6 weeks' message has been featured on the box for more than two years and we have yet to find any one cat who has eaten a Chips Ahoy cookie and not been satisfied.

The company who makes the cookies simply says it looks forward to discussing and resolving this dosing matter with the FDA.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Peeing On Sofas Oddly Satisfying, Cats Say

Seattle, WA

Many cats are at an impasse these days regarding where exactly in the house to let loose with the spraying. More and more sinks and countertops are becoming reclaimed territories by Humans from Seattle to new York.

Cats are reporting a ten-fold increase in the amount of cheap, but effective, cat repellent sprays being used to stop this natural habit, leaving cats to resort to sniper-like tactics.

The traditional definition of a sniper/sprayer is a cat especially skilled in the sniper-like craft of indoor spraying and whose precision marksmanship can stun or kill selected couches, sofas, or Humans with their scent at large or close distances.

Targets like this one above are best hit from point blank range

Typically and ideally, a proficient sniper/sprayer approaches an unaware target, uses a single spray per target, and withdraws without being seen.

“Hey, my owners have used cat repellent everywhere in the house at butt level except here on the couch,” said Jojo, a 2-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, who began to pee on the sofa just weeks ago. “I had no alternative but to up the ante.”

Recent reports into the Gazette say that the same, or better, results can be had by peeing directly onto sofa or futon cushions. Many cats say it is indeed, oddly satisfying.

Young cat Jojo began to pee on the couch just weeks ago

“I sprayed a 180 degree arc into the corner of the cushions at (Human) head level,” said Jed, a 13-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short hair from Seattle. “I sat back and watched as the Human reclined on the sofa and then gradually began to frown and look wildly about as he inhaled the wicked odor.”

At distances over .5 yards, sniper/sprayers usually attempt contact shots, aiming at a level approximately 14 to 16 inches off the ground and depending on damage, stain and general stink to make the kill. At lesser distances, sniper/ sprayers may attempt direct Human head or body shots to ensure the kill.

“It was not unlike that of an attack from a Claymore mine.” said Gunny, a 7-year-old, neutered, American Tabby Cat. “The scent was overwhelming for (the Human) once they sat down, he died on the spot.”

This couch was declared dead at the scene and was removed by Humans

Most cats agree that the use of deadly force here is justified as this is a war on territory and victory must be secured if cats are to remain dominant over Humans.

“He looked like a just caught fish,“ said Barracuda, a 4-year-old Domestic Short Hair after a successful spray mission. “His (the Human’s) head was thrashing about in all directions seeking the source of the foulness. In victory, I smiled, yawned, scratched my ear, and left the room.”

One anonymous cat gave some advice for those who decide to use sniper/sprayer tactics by saying a prudent sniper leaves the area after the shot is taken, anticipating the flanking attack that normally follows. A brave or desperate sniper may ambush one of the flanks if possible, but should seek cover immediately.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos Random