Thursday, April 30, 2009

Twin Boys Caught In Bathtub Plotting End Of The World

Seattle, WA

“The end of the world is neigh, and it is Hollywood’s fault.” declared Smokey and BJ, both 6-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hairs on their website.

The boys, who were raised Catholic in New Jersey, are self-proclaimed anarchists who ‘became outraged and disgusted with the latest James Bond picture, Quantum of Solace, and thus declared jihad on the world.’

“First of all, what kind of name is that for a movie?” asks Smokey with a wave of the paw. “I waited years for it to come out and it is a real shitpile of a movie.”

Here is what each word of the crap title means:

Quantum, (noun):
1. A discrete amount of something that is analogous to the quantities in quantum theory.
Solace, (noun):
1. The comfort you feel when consoled in times of sadness or misery.

“The title is a pile of crap, no one can understand it,” agrees BJ. “Oh, and the movie sucks.”

Director Marc Forster packed the movie with symbolism. “There’s one scene where a lady gets inexplicably drowned in oil, and it's supposed to parallel a scene from Goldfinger…” said BJ, “Another parallels, Hitchcock, holy cow, wow, but who cares?”

Skipper alerted the FBI

The cats are so angered by the ability of Humans to muck up a film so badly that they are busily concocting ways for the planet to meet ultimate doom.

“I walked in on them in the bathroom,” said Skipper, a 5-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold male, “They were using a blacklight and drawing diagrams on the walls above the tub so only they could see them.”

Skipper immediately notified local FBI agents who began to watch the home where the boys lived. Phones were tapped, computers hacked, and any female escorts seen leaving the premises were held for questioning.

BJ said the film was ‘a shitpile’

“We started noticing them (the boys) bringing in large cases of C-4 explosives,” said one agent who spoke on condition of anonymity, “After a few months of that, we grew concerned, so we rounded them up.”

The boys are being held at the Federal Building in downtown Seattle pending investigation for conspiracy to end the world.

Reports stated the boys were attempting to contact several alien species with whom to broker a deal for intergalactic rule or total planetary takeover. Two small, fully-functional radar arrays were confiscated with the C-4 explosives.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay
Bathtub Photo Starring Smokey & BJ

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Cat Leaves Job in Terror After Viewing Spam Email

Renton, WA

A cat with a ten-year perfect attendance record abruptly quit and left her Renton job yesterday in a fright after being spammed with a copy of the ever-popular “David Copperfield Mind-Reading Email” by a coworker.

Miss Muffet, shown above, is a 15-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair female from North Bend, WA. She told the Gazette that she received the email at approximately 7:34am pacific standard time.

The email, well known to most and often circulated in offices everywhere, is a game that proposes you pick a card and then David Copperfield will make it “magically” disappear, thus he is actually "reading your mind" through the monitor. See the slides below if you are not familiar with it.

The email suggests that if you do not send the email out to your friends within seven days of receiving it, something terrible will happen to you, real bad. Nasty even.

Miss Muffet was horrified by the fact that no matter how many times she tried the card trick, it worked. "I sat at my desk for 45 minutes..." she told the Gazette, “each time I did the trick, it worked. I grew very scared. I just moved here and I had to friend list yet to send it to…I grew wary of my future, I was thawing out chicken for dinner for Cripe's sake!”

Miss Muffet said she first noticed a problem when she got only a few congratulations after her lunch time proposal, for which she was expecting rave reviews. Next, she violently choked on a chicken McNugget while snacking in the afternoon, and in the afternoon she came down with a ripe red rash on her chest, neck and paws.

Miss Muffet left her job behind and ran in fear for her life

Miss Muffet says she had become increasingly aware of the rise of wizardry, magic, and Satanism ever since she first read, then abruptly stopped reading, the Harry Potter children’s books. “They terrified me.” she said. “My next door teencat told me that the Harry Potter books showed her that magic is real, something to learn and be used against others and I see this sort of email trick as something the Ministry of Magic might really do to Mugglecats.”

David Copperfield has nothing sinister whatsoever to do with these emails. The trick is widely known to work simply because the cards in the final slide are all different from the cards shown on the first. There has been no proven link between interoffice spam and curses, satanic rituals, occultism, or wizardry of any sort.

Miss Muffet is seeking professional counseling services to help alleviate her anxieties since receiving the spam and is expected to make a full recovery.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Monday, April 27, 2009

Monkeys Sent By IRS Seize Auto, Kitten

Seattle, WA

It was a sad state of affairs this morning when a young kitten was violently taken from her parents by a group of three monkeys sent by the Internal Revenue Service.

In an effort approved by the IRS Commissioner, Margaret Milner Richardson, has begun the first of an intense series of random tax audits to be completed by the end of 2009.

Parents Rhubarb and Addison were selected not because they are suspected of cheating on their taxes, but because the IRS wants to know how accurately cats are filling out their tax forms.

Addison reportedly wrote-off thousands of cheezburger dinners

The IRS has plans to audit 92,923 tax returns in a sample designed to capture a complete range of taxpayers. “I never thought we'd be audited.” Addison, a 6-year-old, spayed Persian lamented.

During the audit, it was discovered that for the past four years both Rhubarb and Addison had claimed thousands and thousands of dollars in cheezburger dinners at Carls, Jr., In-N-Out Burger, and Fatburger as business expenses for a business they did not have.

The couple had also written off a new Nissan 370z as a business expense, as well as thousands of dollars spent on packages of frozen, lean, ground beef..

Rhubarb is still in shock after having his son confiscated

“The beef we used to entertain friends who we saw as potential clients,” said Rhubarb, an 8-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, “We had always thought of opening up a dog grooming business, we were just waiting for the right time to get the actual license. All our friends said they wrote everything off and never got questioned…we never thought we’d get caught.”

As punishment, the IRS sent a group of three monkeys to their home after hours to confiscate the car and their son.

Muffin, an 8-month-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, was physically removed from their arms by monkeys and taken to an undisclosed location.

The monkeys hired by the government had no comment

“This is an outrage!” Rhubarb screamed, “What use do you have for my son? How can you do this?” The monkeys reportedly did not speak and only removed the items they were told to.

The IRS has since stated that anyone chosen for the audit will have to produce a check, a receipt or other document to back up every dollar and every single deduction, lest their children also be confiscated.

The strict demands of the IRS could possibly take days or even weeks to fulfill. All cats selected for audit should gather their affairs in order and possibly send young kittens abroad until the audit is completed.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Seattle Cat's Husband Left Her For His iPhone

Seattle, WA

In an exclusive interview with the Kitty City Gazette, Hillary, an 8-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair female told us that her husband admitted he was in love with his iPhone. Tom, a 7-year-old, former-feral alley cat had abandoned her the day before.

"It had been going on about a year and a half." Hillary told us, "I should have known, he took that damned thing everywhere, even into the bathroom. I didn't understand how you could need a thing that bad."

Hillary was shocked by Tom's apparent obsession with the sexy-looking device

Like many others in the world since June of 2007, Hillary's husband of two years, Tom, had been secretly captivated by the device known simply as the iPhone.

The iPhone is Apple's first Internet-enabled smartphone. It combines the features of a cell phone, wireless web device, and an iPod in one svelte, beautiful package.

The iPhone's most innovative feature is its 3.5-inch touch screen. The screen allows an interface based on touch alone and allows items onscreen to be manipulated by two finger touches, rather than just one.

The iPhone can also be viewed in landscape or portrait mode, with the screen automatically shifting based on the angle that the phone is held. Hillary's husband said one benefit of the iPhone was that there was 'an app for everything' as opposed to one or two apps with his wife.

Many have been transfixed by the seductive iPhone

"Yesterday, he just left." Hillary said. "He said that the iPhone gave him everything he needed in his life and that was that." Hillary was in tears as she told this to the Gazette.

"It is smart is what he told me, smart heart, smart design, smart browsing, smart voicemail, smart speakers, smart email, smart sensors, and smart interaction." Hillary said she became more and more disgusted by Tom's apparent lust after the device as time went on.

"I got to the point where I told him 'it's me or the iPhone.' Well, he chose the iPhone."

"Thank goodness he took the phone bill too." Hillary says she is more likely than ever to choose a BlackBerry in the future.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Local Cat Arrested, Said "I Want to Bite Sham-Wow Guy"

Bothell, WA

A local cat known simply as Jethro, seen below in an old mug shot from a previous incident, was arrested today at the local Fred Meyer store for making verbal threats against Sham-Wow guy, a brilliant actor, most commonly seen on late night television infomercials.

"I want to bite Sham-Wow guy." stated Jethro, a 5-year-old, neutered, former Feral, Domestic Short Hair, "I don't know why...I just do!" Jethro was processed into the Lynnwood Police station on two counts of feline conspiracy to commit malicious biting. He was discussing Sham-Wow guy while perusing the produce section of the local Fred Meyer store when a customer overheard, became concerned, and notified authorities.

Jethro seemed otherwise non-threatening

Ms. Bo Peep said that she was sorting through her purse searching for a toilet paper coupon when she noticed Jethro and a few other cats walking by, snickering, and talking loudly.

"I heard him saying specifically that he wanted to bite him, that guy, that...Sham-Wow guy." stated Mrs. Doris Bo Peep, seen in a photo below being interviewed by a police sketch artist.

"I really like Sham-Wow guy and I had to act fast." Mrs. Bo Peep said, "I look forward to seeing him every night on the television." Her intelligent and accurate description of the suspect to police allowed them to quickly corral Jethro and book him into custody.

Jethro had been arrested just one year ago in Fargo, North Dakota on charges of conspiracy to distribute catnip and attempting to bribe a police officer with Fancy Feast.

Lynnwood Police are holding Jethro until his hearing later this week. He was denied bail as he is considered to be a heavy flight risk. Police said that Jethro became hostile as he was taken into custody, reportedly biting one officer and urinating in the squad car.

Sham-Wow guy was not harmed.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Friday, April 24, 2009

Local Teencat Embarrassed By Misspelling 'Embarrassed' On His Blog

Sasquatch said "Geez, I'm so embarrassed."

Brier, WA

A local teencat was horribly embarrassed by his brother today when he got an email harassing him for misspelling the very commonly used word 'embarrassed' on his blog. Sasquatch, a 6-year-old, neutered, Russian Blue male quickly took down the post in embarrassment.

"I'm really embarrassed." Said Sasquatch in an exclusive interview with the Kitty City Gazette, "I never really like, knew how to spell it, and I was in a big, um, hurry and I just...kinda let it go." Sasquatch said that spelling has never been a strength of his despite the fact that he was once selected as an alternate for his elementary school's third grade spelling bee.

Sasquatch reportedly is new to the blogging world

"I know better than to try to post stuff that fast." Sasquatch continued, "It leaves a huge margin for error, and I should have just asked my momcat how to spell it and now I am really embarrassed. I mean, how many people read that and now think I am an idiot?"

The blog entry which included the misspelled word was a personal post about skateboarding stunts done in the parking lot of a local school. Sasquatch was, in fact, trying to embarrass one of his friends by publishing the posts, implying that he could do the skating tricks mentioned much better.

Sasquatch and his friend Remy Martin, pictured above, have been avid skateboarders for the past four years

"When my brother let me know I just um, turned kinda red and didn't know what to say, and, like, just wished that I had spell checked it or Googled it or something and then published it you know what I mean, it is so embarrassing?"

With the help of his momcat, Sasquatch eventually deleted the post for good and has no plans to repost anything in the near future. "My blogging days might just be over." Sasquatch said, "I don't wanna be that cat who misspelled embarrassed forever, you know?"

Sasquatch's momcat has since then enrolled him in spelling classes and classes for teencats having trouble using run-on sentences.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Interracial Cat Couples Still Face Discrimination

Seattle, WA

Interracial, or biracial, couplings and marriages are a growing issue among cats. Over the past century the number of interracial marriages has more than multiplied. This is an interesting fact considering that not too long ago many states in our country had laws banning any type of relationship between cats and Non-Felines punishable by death or loss of grocery store savings card.

According to a census taken in 2008, marriages between cats and Non-Felines rose from 65,000 in 1965 to 450,000 in 2008. Many cats have expressed their dislike for interracial marriage among cats and the couples who commit to it still face many obstacles as well as some unwarranted dirty looks.

"I personally have no problem and really enjoy being in a more diverse environment," said Magda, a 2-year-old White-Fronted Capuchin monkey who is married to David, a 1-year-old Domestic Short Hair (pictured above). “I don’t care what people say, they need to evolve here, we are happy people.”

A touching photo from Bean and Brian’s wedding album

"Once, a cat said he wouldn‘t serve me because I was with a squirrel," said Brian, a 2-year-old Domestic Short Hair who married wife Bean, a 3-year-old Douglas Squirrel one month ago.

"Once we were even kicked out of a grocery store because the manager was sure I‘d steal nuts or something." Bean admitted. Husband Brian immediately flew to Bean’s defense each time. “I love her,” he said, “I see no color or race, and I resent the implications that all squirrels eat nuts. That is stereotyping at its worst.”

Other cats and Non-Felines have mixed feelings about interracial dating and marriage. "I believe it depends on which two races mix," said Nixon, a 5-year-old Nomadic Groundhog who lives in Alaska, "Some interracial couples can be perceived as weird, like tortoises and cats. That would be weird, right?”

Chestnut said his concerns are mostly about “weird” perceptions and appearances

Some of the common trouble spots for interracial couples include values, volatile eating habits, strange sex, gender roles, friends, in-laws, and raising children.

Some of these issues overlap, but there are some specific distinctions between each. In-laws are a frightening issue in all marriages. Disapproving in-laws are an issue in the majority of interracial marriages.

A couple is supposed to consider children a blessing. But when these children are born to interracial couples, the children might look really funny, and rearing strategies may become more than a blessing, sometimes the issues will become condemnations.

Magik and Tater Tot have been married for 6 months and have a son, Edward

“We had a child and the other kittens laughed and called him a ‘cabbage.’” said Magik, a 2-year-old Welsh rabbit who is husband to Tater Tot, a 1-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “He is ruthlessly teased in school about his heritage, but we teach him to be proud of his diverse cat-rabbit ethnicity.”

Interracial children surely do benefit from their exposure to both worlds, but the child may also easily suffer from relentless comments about the length of their ears or limbs, possibly leading to depression or catnip abuse.

Fortunately, times are changing, even if rather slowly. We can only hope that as time goes on people’s minds will open and become more and more willing than ever to accept new possibilities and relationships with love and acceptance.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Concern Grows Over Lack Of New Furniture To Scratch The Shit Out Of

Lynnwood, WA

The economy has been in a straight line decline for most of the past year and one result is a reduction in the number of new furniture pieces purchased to rip the shit out of.

Fergie, a 4-year-old, spayed, Persian is just one of a number of cats with such growing concerns. An impromptu meeting was called to discuss the growing alarm within the community.

“I think we underestimate the importance of having nice pieces of furniture to rip up.” Fergie said in a meeting held today at the Lynnwood Convention Center. “Some of us maybe don’t realize that scratching the same old thing really has no point once you’ve thoroughly destroyed it.”

Some cat owners try to ‘cat-proof’ their furniture

Fergie went on to discuss the merits of ripping brand-new furniture to shreds. “It gives off a sort of euphoric high, that first rip you hear on the side of a newly upholstered couch. It is very freeing in the sense that you know that you just accomplished something truly unique and great.”

The bad economy has CCL's (Crazy Cat Ladies) trying to prolong the life of their already-ripped up furniture instead of investing in new pieces. One owner reportedly covered their couch in duct tape in an effort to prolong its life.

“I was very depressed,” said Blueberry, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “I saw them duct tape the whole sofa up as if to say ‘in your face,’ Suddenly I had nothing new to scratch up and it was devastating.”

Blueberry grew depressed and bored at the lack of new furniture to rip up

Many cats faced with endless repairs of damage they inflict on furniture find they become bored and indeed, depressed. It can also lead to counter peeing, according to research.

Blueberry admitted that he started maniacally ripping up the newspapers every day to try to fill the gaping hole in his heart left by the duct-tape repaired chair, but it was of no use.

“It just isn’t the same.” he sobbed. “I wish they’d at least buy a new throw rug or something. I even tried peeing in the sink, but it is not the same feeling.”

Cats discussed ways of creating need for new furniture, but remained saddened mostly due to the state of the economy and the effect it has on new furniture purchases.

Ghost has turned his attention to speaker coverings

“I started ripping into the felt on my owner’s speakers and on the sides of the TV speakers,” said Ghost, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “It was pretty rewarding. Not on a new sofa-scale, but it was impressive nonetheless. I mean, what am I even here for if not to rip up your shit?”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Lottery Winning Cat Donates Prize To “Unnamed, Secret Charity That Only I Run”

Kalamazoo, MI

In an act of charity, a Kalamazoo area cat who recently won $100,000 in the Michigan Super Balls Lotto game has decided to donate the entire amount to a ‘secret, unnamed charity’ that she is, in fact, the only cat in charge of.

Molly, a 5-year-old Domestic Short Hair, who worked as a cosmetologist before winning the money, once scoffed and told family if she ever won the lottery she would donate it all to charity.

Soon after winning the money on March 17, Molly decided others needed it more than she did. Confronted by her family, she then announced the money in its entirety would be donated to the unnamed secret charity.

The small nail salon where Molly worked before winning the lottery

"I was heavily influenced by my family, who taught me to think of others first,“ said Molly, who despite ‘giving the money up’ has mysteriously quit her job at a local nail salon and reportedly has fresh apple fritters delivered to her door each morning with the milk.

The name and location of the so-called charity are not known and have not been disclosed by Molly. She told reporters that she has been secretly operating the charity at her own expense for years, not wanting to attract attention for her many sacrifices.

Since winning the money last month, Molly has been seen driving a brand-new Cadillac XL-R, and frequently spotted eating only the best cheezburgers money can buy.

Molly has been frequently seen indulging in multiple cheezburgers

“If the (unnamed) charity decided to give me a gift, I cannot exactly say no.” Molly said in a statement released by the Michigan Lottery in response to neighbors and reporters who believe she secretly kept the money for herself, but wanted to appear as a ‘community hero.’

Neighbor cat Halloween, a 15-year-old, Former-Feral Tortoise Shell female, said “Look, it is obvious this is a scam. She suddenly quit her job, hired a full-time massage therapist, and installed a huge koi pond. Who is she kidding?”

Halloween, a lawyer by profession, doubts the legitimacy of the so-called ‘charity’

Halloween said she will not be convinced until tax records are brought forth and offered her services as a tax lawyer free of charge to help Molly clear her name.

“It was the right thing to do,” Molly says of $100,000 donation, “…despite what neighbors or anyone else has to say.” Many others have raised skepticism as well due to the large amount of positive publicity the donation has invited.

“She is the center of attention here.” said Halloween, disgusted. “They gave her a key to the city, a free gym membership for life, and worse yet, they all think she made such a self-sacrifice! The only charity she supported was herself!”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay
Photos Courtesy:
(Molly) Beverly Thie of Cincinnati
& Halloween the Cat

Local Kitten Survives Seven Days Off Crap Stuck In Master's Keyboard

Sequim, WA

There was only one thing that General's owners forgot to do the night before they left on their Niagara Falls honeymoon vacation, get someone to feed the kitten.

Just the week before, General, a 10-week-year-old Domestic Short Hair male, originally from Arlington, had been told that his owners were going on a trip. The couple, Lisa and Jeff Nightly, had been recently married and were to visit Niagara Falls for six days and seven nights at the ultra-luxurious Falls Motel.

Only hours after the couple embarked on their journey, General grew hungry and strolled to his leopard-print ceramic bowls laid out in the kitchen, only to find them glaringly empty.

“At first I thought it must be a mistake,” said General with tears in his eyes as he remembered the ordeal, “I figured someone must be going to come over and feed me later.”

Lisa and Jeff Nightly were celebrating their recent marriage and forgot about poor General

General went to the couch and curled up to take a nap and await the arrival of his dinner. That dinner never came. Two days later General was desperate, having only had toilet water since his owners’ departure, he knew he would starve if he didn’t find food.

“The pantry and everything were all closed up…” he recalled. “…I was terrified and desperate.” General said that he went over to Jeff’s computer to see if the power was on, thinking he could possibly order a pizza online for delivery.

“They had turned the computer off, everything was powered down and I had no phone number to call them at.” General said. It was then that he noticed a bit of what appeared to be a Dorito crumb near the numbers lock key on Jeff’s Hewlett-Packard computer.

The keyboard, chock full of mold and food tidbits, sustained young General until his owners’ return one week later

“I inched it out with my paw and ate it.” General said, “It was then that I remembered all the hours Jeff sat at that damn thing looking up stock quotes and porn, all the while eating stuff.” Indeed the keyboard was fuzzy with white mold from all the food that Jeff had dropped on it while surfing the web, but it turned out to come in quite handy.

General told the Gazette that there was so much crap stuck in the keyboard that he was able to feed himself and prevent starving until his owners return the following week. “At one point I found a bit of rice, some pretzel crumb, salt, smears of chocolate, dried barbeque sauce, and cookie crumbs.” General said that he tore off a few of the keys to get to some of the food residue but when Jeff and Lisa came home, they didn’t care.

General has gained weight and strength since their return and is now very healthy

“When they came home and saw me looking so tiny and weak, they cried for hours.” he recalled, “Now I am treated very well because of their sharp sense of guilt about the whole thing. They really did completely forget me.”

General’s owners have since purchased an automatic feeder for the kitchen to ensure that General will not run out of food again, barring any vacations.

“I am just glad to be alive.” General stated.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Starbucks Coffee Losing Cats' Business In Bad Economy

Seattle, WA

The economy is still plunging with no real hope of recovery in sight, forcing some would-be Starbucks sippers to curb their usual morning java for something a bit less spendy, like toilet water.

Fourth-quarter 2008 shows earnings at Starbucks stores plummeted 97%, down to $5 million, from $159 million in the same period just one year ago.

Cats everywhere are using the bad economy as a reason to switch to other, more affordable beverages. One option is to get into the habit of drinking toilet water whenever it is available.

Domino agrees toilet water is cheaper

"Personally I never liked Starbucks' coffee" said Domino, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair from Edmonds, "I was just trying to be one of the hip crowd. It's really my owners who like it, I just got into the habit of dipping my paw in it, toilet water is cheaper, and better."

Cats are quite lucky to have access to the readily available supply of good toilet water in the area. Others will opt for puddles, lakes, rivers, street runoff, or pond scum.

"With pond scum there is the added benefit of a bit of protein with every sip" says zoology expert Jasmine, a 4-year-old spayed Manx, and professor from the University of Washington.

Candy said she also enjoys a tasty mug of tap water as opposed to toilet water

"If you look at pond scum under a microscope you will likely see a variety of living things. You get bacteria, a variety of protozoa, and algae, all of which will add nutrients."

Starbucks stores may have once been a familiar stop on your daily routine, but when times are tough the cats get going, and in some cases, they are going to drink from the aquarium.

"I can't afford Starbucks any more, so I drink from my owners' aquarium" says Dante, a 5-year-old, neutered, Maine Coon, "I get all the added benefits of the food they feed those damned fish."

Dante drinks from the aquarium

"I will just as easily get myself a nice mug of tap water," said Candy, a 7-year-old Domestic Long Hair female. "It is not always as tasty as toilet water, but if the seat is down it's the only option I have."

It is certainly not known just how long this economy will be in trouble, but one thing is for certain, cats who are smart will adapt and overcome.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Cat Photos Courtesy of: Wendy's Three Cats and Candy

Friday, April 17, 2009

Your Mother Was Right, Evidence Shows If You Make A Face Long Enough It Will Stick

Seattle, WA

In a shocking new report out of the University of Montreal, Canada, evidence has surfaced proving the old adage that your momcat used to tell you "if you keep making that face, you'll be stuck like that forever!" It turns out that like so many other things, momcat was right.

Marmelade:"I cry myself to sleep at night..."

Scientists have been compiling data to this effect for years. Recently, victims have come forward and shared their sad, frozen faces of sadness. "I cry myself to sleep at night (after I eat)" says Marmelade, pictured above. The 5-year-old orange tabby lives alone in a two bedroom apartment with his owners, who allegedly make jokes about him all the time. "I never thought there were others like me out there, at least now I am not alone, it is horrible...people shove things in my mouth and take pictures."

Marmelade had been hiding from the public for years due to his freakish, frozen, facial deformities. Recently, he did a Google search and discovered thousands of other cats who had the same disorder he did. Pictured below are Ziggy and Fluffernutter, two cats who also ignored their mothers' warnings and ended up with scary, stuck expressions on their once sweet and demure faces.

Both Ziggy and Fluffernutter say that the friends they found via the internet have given them a new sense of vigor and life, a chance to come out and be in the public eye again after years of hiding their faces in shame. "It is very difficult to eat" Fluffernutter says "my mouth is in a constant sort grin, you know what I'm sayin' and it is hard to chew stuff. Also, I drool alot." You can see by the photograph just how difficult indeed eating would be, and for a cat, that is a travesty.

A study done by the University of Montreal tracked the blog entries and threads from various networking sites where cats had come together and discovered that they were all victims of the same thing. If it weren't for the internet, most cats interviewed by the Associated Paws said that they would still be all alone in their shame and suffering.

Now that they know the numbers of others out there, they can band together and start lobbying congress to get money for research and hopefully find a cure. "I never believed by momcat" Fluffernutter explained "she warned me that if I made faces like that at people while in the car and we hit a bump in the road, my face would stay that way...she was right. Listen to your momcats."

At press time we are told that Fluffernutter is doing well, currently in physical therapy, and has been started on a round of homeopathic medications to treat his depression.

Any cats suffering from this same disorder should visit for more details, diagnosis information, symptom checking, and general networking. Come out of the closets and get your life back together again.

There is always hope for a cure.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay