Sunday, May 31, 2009

Horrific Plastic Bird Massacre Today At Local Walgreen’s

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat was forced by employees to vacate the premises of a Lynnwood Walgreen’s store with a promise to never return after a vicious attack and vandalizing more than $30 in home décor.

Maya Angelou, a 17-year-old, spayed, Persian, was walking down the home décor aisle with her kittens when she saw a wall display of colorful plastic and feather birds in cages.

“They (the birds) were on sale today,” said Ralphie, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, “We had a ton of them, they were 2 for $12...I think.”

The birds were originally made in China

Ms. Angelou reportedly saw the caged birds and began to tear at her hair and cry, saying “The caged bird sings with a fearful trill of things unknown but longed for still…”

A few moments later witnesses said she unleashed a wild fury and tore open the plastic cages encasing the birds, who were singing a beautiful pre-programmed electronic tune.

“Be free, be free,” she was heard shouting to the plastic birds, who then fell solidly to the floor and ceased their chirpy melodies.

Walgreen's store manager Edgar managed the mayhem

Shocked customers covered their eyes or dropped their parcels and ran out the front door in terror as the little birdie bodies thumped to the cold floor one after the other.

Ms. Angelou, a writer by trade, opened a total of 4 plastic cages, accidentally killing the birds within by the time the Walgreen’s security force captured her.

Ms. Angelou was eventually captured huddled in a ball near a display of Arizona Iced Teas, which were on sale for 99 cents.

“We lost four brave birds here today,” said store manager Edgar, a 9-year-old, neutered Scottish Fold in a public statement. “There has been a tragedy in our midst," he continued, “Walgreen’s security contained the problem and there is no more danger for our customers.”

Cherub was one of the four birds who lost their life in today’s massacre

Ms. Angelou was taken to the Lynnwood Detention center, but no charges have been filed. She would say only “I know why the caged bird sings.”

The birds who passed away will be buried together in a joint ceremony this Saturday at Evergreen-Washelli Memorial Cemetery.

Donations in their name can be sent to the Marshmallow Peep Company.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Two Catnip Mice Honored On Memorial Day

Edmonds, WA

Over 500 Humans, mice, and cats gathered at the Edmonds Marina yesterday for a stunningly beautiful memorial service to honor two catnip mice who gave their lives for the benefit of others.

The mice, originally purchased at Petsmart, were less than 1-year-old, made from recycled materials, and were sold in a package of three. Two of the three mice bravely passed away during an intense catnip massacre just one month ago.

Witnesses at the scene said a Human had opened a fresh package of soft, felt mice and ‘dropped them onto the floor’ of a playroom in a local animal shelter (which refused to be named).

Gigli was one of the cats who participated in the attack

“All I can remember is I became quite aggressive and felt very light-headed, said Gigli, a 5-year-old, grey and white, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “There were nine other cats there in that room that day and once the scent of catnip got into the air…it was mayhem.”

It was reported that some of the cats had begun to rub their heads and body against the mice and even foamed at the mouth. Only the purple mouse, named Lotus, survived and is currently being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder.

Rolling around on the ground and emitting loud purrs and growls was also reported.

The mice all enlisted together at the same recruiting station

Witness Grover, a 4-year-old, neutered, American Tabby said, “The cats (involved) looked like they were completely out of it and were leaping around and even becoming aggressive towards other fellow cats. Those mice never had a chance."

During the somber ceremony at the marina, American and military flags were raised and saluted. Family members of the fallen mice spoke out and gave their love and support to the community at large. Fresh corn on the cob was grilled and beers were thrown back while fond, pleasant memories were told.

“These were fine young mice,” said Lt. Colonel Stewart, a 6-year-old Former Feral, Scottish Fold male, “They gave their lives doing what they loved. When they signed on to become catnip mice they knew the risks and bravely accepted them. They are my heroes.”

Grover is said to be still mourning the deaths of the mice

According to military documents, it was decided the mice bravely perished doing what they were intended to do and stated they died ‘in the line of fire.' The deaths were not homicidal. Indeed, the motto of the United States Catnip Mouse Army is ‘ut ceteri ludant,’ or, ‘so others may play.’

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Famous Ex-Model/Heiress Admitted For Depression

Seattle, WA

A local cat was admitted to the psychiatric wing of Harborview Hospital in Downtown Seattle today after learning of her husband’s secret life of villainy.

Kellie, a 13-year-old, spayed, Siamese/Domestic Short Hair Mix, is a retired Ralph Lauren catalog and runway model and heir to the Weinerschnitzel Hot Dog Restaurant chain fortune. She has homes on the Oregon and Washington coasts.

She told the Gazette she came in from the beach Wednesday afternoon only to find her husband Meatloaf, a 17-year-old, neutered Scottish Fold, at his computer gawking at scandalous, pornographic photos of young cats with watermelons.

Scandalous photos of young cats and watermelons are of a growing concern to females everywhere

“He has had an addiction to pictures of cats with watermelons for years,” Kellie said, “I personally do not understand the attraction. He went to rehab once for it…I thought this was all behind us.”

Kellie said that her chest grew constricted and breathing became difficult. “I passed out in the shower.” Kellie said. “He (Meatball) at least had the gumption to dial 911.”

Kellie was given an EKG that raised concerns for her health and well-being. The EMTs on the scene advised she be taken to Harborview and admitted for treatment as her blood pressure was 147/101.

Kelly was prominently featured in last season’s Ralph Lauren linens catalog

“It is a considerable shock to the system to discover your spouse looking at photos like the watermelon ones…” said hot, gorgeous, EMT Chet Goodbody, “The poor woman deserved better than to walk in on that. She should be seen for depression."

Kellie stated that she called Meatball on his habit and he confessed further to living a secret double life in which he is dating a young Grey Douglas Squirrel and spending the nights gambling away his wife’s Wienerschnitzel fortune at the Quil Ceda casino.

Meatball confessed that the photo and gambling addictions began as a way to pass time while his lovely wife was away at catalog shoots and he grew “lonely.”

Another of the many cat-and-watermelon photos found on the hard drive of Meatball

“I know it is a filthy and disgusting habit,” said Meatball, “I have humiliated my wife and I feel terrible.”

Meatball stated that he began the affair with the young Squirrel at the height of the gambling and porn addiction. His addiction fed on itself and became a downward spiral that took the sanity of his wife and wiped out their finances.

Meatball has been kicked out of the home and is currently living in a scraggly tree with his young Squirrel-friend.

Kellie said she will start divorce proceedings as soon as she is well and able. She also will be selling off Meatball’s prized pinball machine collection to repay some of the lost fortune.

Photos Courtesy Kellie the Kat
Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Ketchup Packets Stolen From Local Cat's Home

Lynnwood, WA

Everything seemed normal when Dixie, a 9-year-old, Domestic Long Hair cat returned home from the local Fred Meyer store. She had just completed grocery shopping and had her eyebrows waxed at the local beauty salon when she arrived home to find she’d become a statistic.

Dixie reportedly was bringing the groceries in from the car and noticed the front door open a crack. “I was scared as to what I might find,“ Dixie said, “but I used a giant smoked sausage I’d bought and pushed the door open all the way and walked inside.” She immediately called police, knowing she had been burglarized.

Dixie had as many as 95 ketchup packets before the burglary

“The first thing I noticed was the cupboard drawers were ajar.” said Dixie, obviously still nervous and shaken from the home invasion, “There was an open bag of flour on the floor and the silverware drawer was also open.” Lynnwood police set up a SWAT perimeter around Dixie’s house in an attempt to find the thief or thieves

Dixie is a secretary cat for a local tow truck company. She left work early today in the hopes of taking a nap in the afternoon sun after grocery shopping and before her teencats, Jack, Roo, and Anthrax, arrived home from Lynnwood High School.

“Then I saw it…they were gone, gone.“ Dixie tearfully continued, “Someone stole all my ketchup packets.“ Dixie stopped and shuddered, recalling the ketchup packets she had been collecting in the drawer for so long.

Police set up a SWAT perimeter around Dixie’s house in an attempt to find the thief or thieves

Dixie said that at first she wasn’t sure what to do with all the leftover ketchup packets she seemed to amass from frequent trips to local fast food eateries. “It seemed they just piled up, you know?“ she said, “A leftover one from McDonald’s, one or two from Wendy’s, Dick’s, or Burgermaster.”

“I just started putting them all in one drawer, a central location, I guess you could say,…in case I ever needed one.” Dixie continued. “It just started that way and pretty soon I had a whole drawer full of them…there was even some hot sauce in there from Taco Bell.”

Dixie admitted she might have had a few sets of disposable chopsticks in the drawer as well

Dixie told Lynnwood Police officers that there could have been up to 95 ketchup packets in that single drawer alone, some disposable chopstick sets from a teriyaki take-out place, and even a few soy sauce packets.

“We are not sure as to the motives of the thief in this crime,” stated officer Dan McFarland, “At this time we are just pleased that no one was hurt and that there appears to have been no further thievery besides the ketchup packets and a few other such items.”

Dixie’s teencats, Jack, Roo, and Anthrax, were safe at school and were not harmed

Other sources close to the Gazette report that Dixie also had mayonnaise packets and as many as 15 mustard packets in the drawer.

“I just hope they catch whoever did this to me.” Dixie said, “I feel very violated…it really took me a long time to collect that many ketchup packets.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Two Crows Spotted In Local Tree

Lake Forest Park, WA

It was another chilly afternoon in the Pacific Northwest, a day like any other in recent weeks consisting of fog, frigid temperatures, and snow flurries. What made this day different for a local cat from Lake Forest Park was a startling discovery in a group of trees.

“I was just walking down the road going to see my friend and his momcat.” said Tiny Dancer, a gray, male, Domestic Short Hair from Lake Forest Park. “My pal called and asked me to come over, we were gonna rip up some of his owners’ shit.”

Tiny Dancer said that when he reached the corner and made the usual turn to go to see his teencat friend, something just didn’t feel right. “The hair kinda stood up on my back a bit,” He said, “I didn’t really know why, I just had a bad feeling.”

Tiny Dancer was on the way to a friend’s house to “…rip up some of his owners’ shit.” when he saw the two crows

Tiny Dancer looked up and what he saw startled him. Two birds, crows to be exact, were sitting on a branch carefully examining him with their beady little eyes.

“Really, I was in shock. Two crows, in a tree! How often do you see that?” Tiny Dancer said, explaining that his first fear was that they had been following him from home, thinking that maybe he had a cracker or something and were planning to rob him.

“I didn’t have nothing on me, so no real reason to worry.” Tiny Dancer continued, “All the same I was scared to see them sitting there. They were quiet, then suddenly, one crowed at me.”

The two crows, names unknown, sat upon a medium level branch in the tree and gaped down at Tiny Dancer from the high perch.

Loretta was shelving jam jars when she heard Tiny Dancer's hissing

A neighbor cat, Loretta, a spayed, black, Domestic Short Hair, came out of her garage where she’d been putting away jars of freshly canned jam when she heard Tiny Dancer’s loud hissing.

“Why, I dropped one jar of strawberry preserves on the garage floor in shock and then came rushing out to the street, “ she said “I saw poor Tiny Dancer by the curb all hunkered down and hissing, and then I saw the birds, both of them…I got scared.”

Loretta's neighborhood, where the two crows were seen

The cats went and quickly called local authorities, who rushed to the scene. By the time the police got there, the crows had abandoned their vantage point for parts unknown. Police took down Tiny Dancer’s report and a witness statement from Loretta.

Tiny Dancer continued on to his friend’s house and Loretta went back to her work in the garage. All eyes are peeled in case the two crows decide to return to the scene.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Angelina Jolie’s Cat Plans Tell-All Book After Brad Pitt Dumps Him At Local Shelter

Los Angeles, CA

Angelina Jolie’s Oscar nomination for Best Actress in the movie, “The Changeling” has been clouded over ewcwntly by news that her former live-in cat of over 12 years, Paz is planning to write a tell-all book about her and her partner Brad Pitt.

Paz, a 12-year-old, neutered, Bengal male was adopted by Ms. Jolie from a shelter in Cambodia in 1997. Paz was the center of Ms. Jolie’s life and had a lucrative modeling career, until she fell madly in love with Mr. Pitt.

Paz said Mr. Pitt "...hated cat hair."

Paz, despite the competition, headed up the Jolie-Pitt's pet and child collection and even traveled with the couple when they went into hiding in Namibia before the birth of daughter Shiloh in 2006.

According to Paz, Mr. Pitt had grown increasingly jealous of the attention Ms. Jolie lavished on him over the years and wanted him gone. "I was always in her lap..." Paz told the Gazette, "...Brad couldn't stand it. He hated cat hair."

Paz, once the apple of Ms. Jolie's eye

Sure enough, in late December, Paz found himself abandoned by Mr. Pitt after Paz bit his thumb by accident while playing with a laser light, drawing blood, and ire.

The book Paz plans to pen threatens to outline the exact nature of the relationship Ms. Jolie had with Mr. Pitt while Mr. Pitt was still seemingly happy and very married to Jennifer Aniston.

A photo from the set of the film where they "fell in love," Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Mr. Pitt had recently attempted to clear up rumors of his pre-separation cheating with Ms. Jolie in an interview coming after Jolie had revealed to The New York Times that the couple met and fall in love on the set of the action film Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Mr. Pitt was married to Ms. Aniston during the filming of said movie. In the interview, Mr. Pitt adamantly insisted that there was no "dastardly affair.”

Paz plans to divulge plenty of other sordid details, including intimations that Angelina has had multiple affairs with other cats, both male and female, since the start of the relationship.

Ms. Jolie used to manage Paz's lucrative modeling career

Sources claim the actress is seeking legal counsel to block her former cat’s expose, which will also expose intimate details of her wild marriage to Billy Bob Thornton, the collecting of children, and chicken sacrifice rituals.

A publishing insider told the Gazette that Paz knows everything about Angelina, having sat on her lap for such a long time, and that it's going to be one of the most explosive books written.

Paz never signed any confidentiality agreement and could be in the green when it comes to revealing all about the famous Hollywood couple.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Monday, May 4, 2009

Secret Service Fears Hostile White House Takeover By Children On Big Wheels

Washington, DC

Just leaked to the Kitty City Gazette, a terrifying story of a possible threat to security on the lawn of the Obama White House.

A group of three wild-looking children were seen on the outskirts of the National Mall this afternoon, gripping sippy-cups, and clutching the handlebars of their Big Wheels.

Cats who are anxiously awaiting the appearance of President Obama's new puppy, Bo, were quick to point out the possible threat to Secret Service in the area.

The National Mall is now being closely monitored, roped off and extra police patrols have been launched.

The National Mall

The sippy-cup wielding children were quickly snapped up by secret servicemen along with their Big Wheels and were taken into a holding area near the Smithsonian Institution for questioning.

One vehicle taken was said to be a Green Machine, not a Big Wheel as was originally thought.

The rider of the Green Machine was said to be "quite menacing..."

In keeping with its pledge to make the Obama White House one of the most open and accessible in all of our history, the Secret Service had announced for the very first time that the entire length of the Mall would be open for the public to witness the President playing with his puppy.

Only a fraction of those cats in attendance on the Mall will be close enough to get a good look at Bo. Officials are planning to install Jumbotrons at the Mall to enhance viewing.

"We were alerted to this threat very quickly." said Police Sergeant Thomas O'Reilly, "The children were evacuated and we are a go. The Big Wheels were taken as well as a Green Machine and we feel security is currently at an amber or mauve level. The Presidental Pup is now secure."

Felix screamed a warning to the Secret Service from the sidewalk

8-year-old, neutered, Domestic Shorthair Felix was one of the crowd who pointed out the hostile-looking threat to the Washington DC Police, who then alerted the Secret Service. "I am just looking out for my fellow cats..." he said "I want this new America to have a chance at peace and hope and I will do whatever I can to make it so."

Felix was waiting in his car with his friends and noticed the children leering at the policemen. "I just did what any cat would do..and the kids, it was scary, they were quite menacing."

Detailed drafts of the "Green Machine" in question

The Big Wheels collected were the standard-issue, plastic, Empire brand, three-wheeled suburban assault vehicles typically favored by hostile children living in neighborhoods all across America since their introduction in 1969. Each equipped with its own handbrake, adjustable high-backed seat, and fancy silver spoke front wheel.

The Green Machine apprehended had the additional benefits of a gearshift box, independent suspension and snappier styling. The vehicles were in good working order and are now safely in the hands of authorities.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Talk Show Giant Larry King Had Internet Affair With Local Cat

Seattle, WA & New York, NY

A local cat made a startling confession today when he revealed that he had long been involved in a long-distance internet love affair with talk-show host Larry King and said he plans to move to New York be with the well-known celebrity.

"I had to tell the whole world...what could I do - they would find out eventually," said Yum-Yum, a 7-year-old, neutered, Chocolate Point Siamese male from Lynnwood.

"I am so in love with him...the emails he writes to me are dreamy, they set my heart ablaze. I feel he is literally looking straight at me every night from the set of his live TV program."

Yum-Yum, a handsome Chocolate Point Siamese

Mr. King, 75, is an American radio and television host. He is seen as one of the pre-eminent broadcast interviewers of our times.

Mr. King has conducted more than 40,000 interviews with people ranging from athletes, entertainers, politicians, world leaders and other newsmakers. He has been awarded a coveted Emmy, 2 Peabody Awards and a total of 10 Cable ACE Awards.

It was during the fall of 2008 that the two met at online site, which has since shot to fame as a new internet dating site.

Mr. King was seen leaving Juicy Couture in New York looking young and svelte after reportedly buying gifts for Yum-Yum

Mr. King had once apparently sought a companionship of the feline sort and when Yum-Yum's profile was sent to him he quickly responded.

Reportedly, Mr. King calls his beloved Yum-Yum during each commercial break to ask if Yum-Yum approves of his choice of suspenders, which often were a gift from Yum-Yum.

"He sent the most romantic emails to me," said Yum-Yum, "I couldn't wait to check my email. I'd run into the house with my heart-beating so fast waiting to see if he'd sent any word."

David, a former boyfriend of Yum-Yum is said to be devastated over the affair

Yum-Yum said he was dating David, a 2-year-old Welch Rabbit, at the same time he met Mr. King online and subsequently broke off their relationship when he realized the fling with Mr. King had become serious.

Mr. King sends endless amounts of chocolates, crocodile shoes, imported Nutella spread, and other fine jewelry presents to him and just last week sent Yum-Yum a ticket to join him in New York City this month via his private jet.

"I can't wait to really be with him, I feel that he is my equal in every way...he is my destiny." Yum-Yum admitted to having a previous crush on Kelly Ripa's (of Regis and Kelly fame) husband Mark Ripa, but has since fallen only for Mr. King.

"You never know what life will bring to your doorstep," said Yum-Yum, "Sometimes it is a dead bird or possum, but in this rare instance, it could be love. I am helpless but to try to follow it to see where it takes me and to chase my dream."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay