Saturday, June 27, 2009

FBI Officially Declares Peanut Butter A ‘Gateway Drug' To Jellies, Jam

Seattle, WA

The Seattle office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation today announced it is adding peanut butter to the list of so-called "gateway drugs" like marijuana, that can lead to the abuse of other, higher classes of drugs.

Gateway drugs are those habit-forming substances (like peanut butter) whose frequent abuse may lead to the abuse of drugs that are more addictive and/or more dangerous.

Over the past six months, according to FBI data, the numbers of cats being arrested for peanut butter abuse overall has declined. As cats develop a tolerance for the effectiveness of the peanut butter, they begin to seek out new drugs and “higher highs” according to sources.

The result is an astonishing 35% increase in the number of arrests stemming from the abuse of jams and jellies.

Wally admitted he once “passed out” after eating too much peanut butter

“I got so used to doing peanut butter on a daily basis that I didn’t taste it anymore,” said Wally, a 9-year-old, neutered, unemployed Russian Blue. “I needed a hit, so I turned to freebasing strawberry jam.”

Wally has been living in a crack house for the past 11 months and began his foray into jam abuse by using Smucker’s red raspberry before moving up to sugar-free strawberry preserves just last month.

Some cats and kittens have said in the past that peanut butter is harmless, but the American Medical Association is not one of them.

According to them, cats who do peanut butter are 9 to 10 times more likely to move on to Nutella, almond butter, or thick, rich jellies and jams.

This is now also the formal opinion of the FBI, who published their conclusions from a recent study in Peanut Butter Abuse by the Numbers, an internal-use-only publication funded by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Wally was rescued from a crack house just today

Warning labels are already affixed to jars of peanut butter deemed strong enough to attract rampant abuse. Among the most commonly abused are: Skippy Reduced Fat Super Chunk, Peter Pan Chunky, and JIF Creamy.

No one is for certain how long a cat would use peanut butter before turning to jam, but one thing is certain, it has begun.

The crack house where Wally was extricated just this morning had over 233 empty and smashed plastic tubs and glass jars of peanut butter, various black-light posters, and a black velvet painting of John F. Kennedy.

These wide-eyed, tweaking, jelly addicts were rescued from the crack house and are now safe

A seemingly endless supply of needles was found scattered around the house containing apricot and seedless blackberry jams. One cat was found drooling and petting himself on a worn out cot, licking a spoon that had long been empty.

Sixteen cats were rescued from the dilapidated home and over 100 empty jars of assorted jams and jellies were confiscated by the Seattle Police Narcotics Department in cooperation with the FBI.

“Things could escalate here if we are not careful,” said FBI liaison Mike Swift, a 21-year veteran of the Bureau. “We have to stop this quick before cats move on to fruit leather or worse.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Mine (Seamus)& random black kittens

Grocery Cart Teased At Local Playground

Lynnwood, WA

It was a beautiful sunny day and Garret, a 3-year-old, blue and plastic Shopping Cart decided he was going to do something different and have some fun.

Going against his strong work ethic, he left his job at Albertson’s early and rolled over a half mile to nearby Daleway Park in Lynnwood. Once he got there however, he sadly discovered he was incompatible with most of the playground equipment.

“I couldn’t get on the slide,” Garret lamented. “My wheels prevented me from climbing up it. I tried to get on a swing but I couldn’t roll in the sand…All the kids were laughing at me.”

Garret’s domestic partner Caleb felt ‘bad’ for him

Garret’s domestic partner Caleb, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, met him at the park after Garret called him and invited him to join him there to play.

“He’s been depressed lately, I feel bad for him,” Caleb told the Gazette. “He lost his best friend a few weeks ago and it made him realize that he needs to have more fun in life. I think he just wanted to play with the kids. I don’t think he thought about the mechanics of it though.”

Indeed, on June 7th, the Gazette reported that his friend and co-worker Augustine, a 4-year-old, blue and plastic Shopping Cart had taken his own life in the back alley behind the store where they worked.

Garret was teased due to his inability to play on these toys as others did

After small children and a few squirrels threw pinecones and sand at him, Garret (with the assistance of Caleb) got out of the sand pit and returned to the outskirts of the park to watch.

“I don’t understand why parks are not made so that everyone can play here together,” said Garret. “They have special swings for squirrels, with seatbelts and padding, but the Parks and Recreation people make no efforts to make them cart-accessible.”

A spokesperson from the City of Lynnwood said that the city does its best to try to make all parks and picnic areas accessible to everyone and issued an apology on behalf of the sad grocery cart.

Garret was forced to stand back at the edge of the park and watch

“They called me ‘wheelie’ and said I was boxy,” Garret said. “That hurt my feelings, they made me feel like I didn’t belong. I just wanted to be a part of something fun.”

As for Garret’s domestic partner Caleb, he said that he has plans to remodel the backyard of their home now that he knows what will make Garret happy. He plans to build a Shopping Cart-compatible swing set for them and also perhaps, a see-saw.

“I just didn’t know that he had a fun side like this before we lost Augustine,” Caleb said. “Now I know how he feels, I can create a relaxing, private play area for him to come home to after a hard days work.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Sharyn Thoma too

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Young Kitten Spanked In Auburn

Auburn, WA

The busy shopping crowd at the AuburnWal-Mart store was shocked today by the behavior of one momcat who spanked her kitten not once, but three times before finally stopping.

Malibu, a 13-year-old, Domestic Short Hair Tuxedo Cat, is a retired pommel horse gymnast and currently teaches third graders at Lynndale Elementary School.

The incident took place in the swimming toy aisle when her kitten, Jack, a 2-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, began to wail and cry after his momcat denied purchasing him a styrofoam pool noodle.

Malibu said her son was driving her to drink

Witnesses said Malibu ‘walloped’ him a good three times before he noticed and started bawling his eyes out. Embarrassed, Malibu then drove her cart to the checkout line as fast as possible.

While many momcats approve of spanking their kittens and/or teencats, some experts say it is decidedly the wrong thing to do and can teach them a bad lesson.

Spanking only stops misbehavior momentarily. The bad behavior usually resumes because the kitten doesn't know how to, and doesn’t learn not to, act differently.

Darcy, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair who saw the incident, accosted Malibu as she was unloading her cart. Darcy threw a fresh 6-pack of Hostess Powdered Donuts at Malibu, to which Malibu had a hasty reply ready.

Witness Darcy accosted Malibu and questioned her kitten-beating motives

“He is driving me to drink,” Malibu said, “Just last night he spent hours teaching our Myna bird Toto how to say ‘shit-eater’ nonstop and the day before that he was sent home by police for having clogged up all the toilets at a McDonald's with paper. He is out of control and his dadcat…well, all he can do is laugh.”

This type of punishment is thought to also teach kittens that hitting solves problems. Kittens must learn other acceptable and non-violent approaches to solve problems.

“What the heck am I supposed to do?” Malibu asked, “I have seven other kittens to care for and this one is the squeaky wheel. I’m going nuts.”

Neighbors who saw the incident plan to notify authorities

Spanking also teaches the kitten not how to act in a well-behaved manner, but how ‘not to get caught’ when the parent(s) are around. This could lead kittens to become masterminds of sneakiness and deception.

Wal-Mart security escorted Malibu and her kittens out of the store and safely into the parking lot.

Two other witnesses, who did not want to give her names, said they are neighbors of the family of nine and will be calling Kitten Protective Services.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random

Cats Rally Against Proposed Catnip Embargo

Washington, DC

Recent spikes in reports from the American Medical Association of catnip abuse among 2-to-10-year-old cats has led the U.S. Government to start talks once again of a Catnip Embargo, much to the dismay of cats.

The embargo, which would prevent any and all trading and/or importing of catnip from anywhere other than within the continental United States, hopes to limit the amount of catnip available at any one time on the free market.

Catnip is not illegal, but is a drug often prescribed by Humans to kittens and cats alike and can be equally abused if not utilized correctly.

Ketchup said “I don’t think it’s necessary”

“I figured if my Human gave it to me, then it was okay,” said Ketchup, a 5-year-old American Tabby Cat. “I have a prescription, so I didn’t think using it nine times a day was so terrible. This embargo…I don’t think it is necessary.”

For over 2000 years throughout Europe and the Far East catnip, which belongs to the mint family, has been used mainly for Human medicinal purposes and in teas.

Traditional herbalists all over the Ancient World treated many conditions with catnip including, cancer, hives, and even toothaches.

Some cats in China grow catnip and export it to the U.S. for profit

“I personally am appalled,” said Nina, an-8-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair who is a tanning salon operator in the D.C. area. “Limiting the amount of catnip will only create more of a demand and create more profit for those who can get it and sell it. You are not solving anything.”

Nina and approximately 120 other cats gathered outside the House of Representatives with signs to demonstrate against the embargo. Most cats agreed that it would do more harm than good and take away a daily pleasure.

A cat’s attraction to catnip is through an inherited trait carried in the gene pool. It is estimated that only 10% of all cats do not experience a “catnip high” from the drug. Sadly, this leaves over 90% of the population open to abuse and addiction.

Catnip has been repeatedly snuck into the U.S. through these fabric eyeballs from Bangladesh

“You can’t put a Band-Aid on a broken leg,” said Heathcliff, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair Ginger who openly admitted he abuses the drug. “An embargo is not how we are going to clean this up…I need treatment, the supplies will always be out there.”

All cats display the same symptoms when using to catnip. For about fifteen to twenty minutes or so they experience feelings of euphoria and act like rabid fiends, biting at the air and ripping the shit out of everything they see and feel.

President Obama himself issued a statement via a radio address just last evening to shed some light on the proposed embargo. “I want to be very clear,” Obama stated, “This is not an end-all proposal, it is just an attempt to get a better handle on a situation that seems to growing worse. I will be personally working on this plan and hope to give you all a better understanding of it soon.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Local Hot Dog Bandit Finally Caught

Edmonds, WA

Until this afternoon, little was known about the wild thief responsible for stealing over 369 hot dogs from backyard barbeques, picnics, and other impromptu events all over the Lynnwood area.

Hagrid, a 5-year-old, neutered, Chocolate Point Siamese was captured today at a Port of Edmonds picnic after he snagged yet another 10-pack of jumbo-sized wieners and attempted a hasty exit.

Most cats agree that stealing hot dogs, with or without the bun, is immoral and wrong. But some say that it can be a necessary way of life, if circumstances present themselves.

Myrtle said “It was stripped from my bare hands…”

“It has been getting pretty scary,” said Myrtle, a 7-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair and party planner. “It is hard to plan out an event because he’d show up and steal half or more of the food and there’d be nothing left to eat…I was losing money.”

Hagrid, caught red-handed by Edmonds Police, blushed and admitted to the months of thievery he’d pulled off. Myrtle also said at one point Hagrid stripped a hot dog 'right from my bare hands' at one picnic she’d catered.

We ask ourselves why someone would take a hot dog that doesn't belong to them. We also ask ourselves how those cats are able to go on day by day knowing that they have cheated someone or some company out of a hot dog and or a hot toasted bun earned by repetitious, hard work.

At one point, police used this cat as bait, but the act proved fruitless

The first reason cats think of when it comes to thievery is money, or the lack thereof. In Hagrid’s case, he had plenty of money, leaving us to wonder why he turned to a life of petty crime.

Some cats steal due to obsession. They can't help themselves and they steal just to get the rush or high, almost like what they would get from a drug. A cat who steals out of obsession will take anything they can get their paws on just to see if they can get away with it.

Hagrid told police he began stealing extra hot dogs at picnics and other events that he himself was invited to. The rush he got from the secret thievery he said was matched only by ‘base jumping’ and ‘watching movies about baby piglets.’

Hagrid bragged to have also robbed the Weinermobile

What started as a silly, selfish prank eventually spun out of control and Hagrid found himself pulling his car over at random barbeques and events, and sneaking in to steal weenies. He told police psychiatrists today that he soon became ‘obsessed with hot dogs.’

“I admit to my crimes,” Hagrid said in a statement to the public. “I can only say that I am a victim of addiction and that I hope you will accept my apologies and thanks for all the weenies I have eaten.”

At one point during his initial interview, Hagrid bragged that he’d stolen over 25 hot dogs with buns from the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile at a press conference in Seattle.

Hagrid will be treated for what is being called an obsessive-compulsive hot dog disorder and will see a therapist three times a week while charges are pending. He is currently awaiting a bail hearing at the Snohomish County Jail.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random Hot Dog Mania

Monday, June 22, 2009

Promise Of Birdies, Balls, Leading Cats Toward Golf

Seattle, WA

The promise of chasing balls all day while hoping to snag a birdie has enticed more and more cats to get into the already popular game of golf.

Many cats spent Father’s Day weekend anxiously watching the U.S. Open on NBC with wide eyes, following the little white elusive ball with anticipation and hoping to see some birdies.

“I heard if you were very, very good, you could get a birdie at every hole,” said Dixon, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who is new to the game. “I have always been told I am very good, so I am going to try.”

Maggie admits she also likes to chase balls

For cats unfamiliar with the sport, golf is a game in which cats use many types of clubs and attempt to hit small, white balls into holes on a course with the lowest number of strokes possible. It is a game that has wrecked havoc on Humans for years.

“Usually if I want a birdie I go in the backyard and sit and wait. This is great because you get to exercise instead of just sitting around,” said Maggie, a 7-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair from Bellingham.

“Plus, there are sand boxes everywhere in case you gotta go, it's like they designed these golf courses with cats in mind.” Maggie stated enthusiastically.

"I had my doubts at first,” said Blackjack, a 6-year-old, Feral Maine Coon. “But wouldn't you know it, at the 3rd hole I snagged a nice, fat little robin.”

Elmer already has started a fine collection of clubs

Cats also remarked about the abundance of fresh water located at various ‘hazards’ along the way.

“I do agree they (the water holes) should be called hazards, because the water is so fresh and tasty,“ said Elmer, a 14-year-old Domestic Short Hair who has already amassed a fine collection of clubs for playing. “One might be tempted to over drink and end up in the woods napping.”

“The thing about golfing is you can always use the club to get a birdie, if it's close enough...I was in the rough on the par 4, 15th and walloped a huge blue jay, it was tasty,” exclaimed a giddy and bright-eyed ginger-colored kitten named Muncie before speeding off in his cart to the next hole.

Muncie said he ‘walloped a huge blue jay’

For the most part, the cats seem to be sticking to match play or stroke play. Stroke play involves being petted by your partner after missing a shot. Most cats say the avoid playing the skins game for fear of being scalped and sold as prostitutes to the Russian mafia.

One thing is certain, cats are excited and ready to embrace a fantastic and healthy new habit. The game of golf is indeed becoming the Sport of Cats.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random Pictures of Mayhem

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Heavy Doses Of Pie Eating Proven To Reduce Pain In Injured Cats, Say Cats

Seattle, WA

A new study conducted by cats shows eating a series of hot and cold pies is an effective treatment for pain control.

All cats involved in sports have all heard of using contrast therapy, repeated applications of heat and ice, after sustaining an injury such as a pulled groin or a sore back.

The theory behind contrast therapy is that hot water causes vasodilation of the blood flow in the injured limb followed by the application of ice, which then causes vasoconstriction. The net effect is thought to pump out inflammation and trapped fluids in the injured tissues allowing them to heal more quickly.

Hot apple pie is the choice pie to begin heat therapy with

One local cat, Minxy, a 6-month-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, who is a juggler by trade, injured his shoulder after performing at a birthday party and was affixed with an embarrassing pink cast.

“I went to my doctor,” Minxy said. “He suggested we try something new, he called it hot/cold pie therapy.”

Dr. Wong, a 14-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold had long been looking to test his latest idea on eating pie to control pain levels.

In a control group, other injured cats ate ‘placebo’ foods, such as spaghetti

“We began at once,“ Dr. Wong said, “First, we started with hot therapy. Minxy ate hot apple pie for the first 20 minutes and then we switched him to a cold pie, in this case Key Lime, for the next 15 minutes. We repeated it all day, off and on, for four days and by the end of our trial his pain had ceased and his cast came off.”

A control group was used in the experiment and the findings further support pie eating as being effective in pain control, according to Dr. Wong.

“Cats who ate pie had faster recovery times than cats who did not eat pie or who had tried other modalities such as eating spaghetti or broccoli.” Dr. Wong wrote in his report to Medical Science magazine.

“I like pie…” said one study volunteer on the basis of anonymity

“I think we should study this theory further and with different pies to determine the possible medical ramifications,” said Maya Jackson-Kidd, a 5-year-old, spayed, Abyssinian research assistant. “There is much to be considered here. Is the Key Lime a better cold pie for treatment than say, Lemon Meringue?”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random and Crazy

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Gay Sailor Cat Kicked Out Of U.S. Naval Academy

Alexandria, VA

A promising young Naval Academy freshman has been ousted from the school he grew up longing to go to after being seen stripping in a Gay Pride Parade. The 12th Annual Kitty Gay Pride Parade was held without fail this past Sunday, but for Emmett, it meant the end of a lifelong dream. A local cat saw the Academy student there and viciously “outed” him to the Dean of Students.

“I grew up knowing I wanted to be a sailor.” said Emmett, a 4-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold male from Richmond, Virginia. “I know you are thinking it was the cute outfits, but really, it was the events of September 11th, 2001 that made me want to serve my country.”

Emmett grew up like any other cat, but realized in high school that he was a bit different from other male teencats. “I didn’t care so much about catching rats and stuff…” Emmett said, “I was more into letting kids dress me up in clothes and combing my hair and stuff.”

Dad George, said he had “not one, but two reasons to be proud” of Emmett

Emmett’s parents were proud of him scholastically as he maintained a 3.8 GPA at the local high school. Emmett reportedly told his parents he was gay upon his seventeenth birthday. “They knew.” he said, “It was all the pink nail polish they found in my drawers. That and the Oprah magazines.”

Despite opposition from career counselors and mockery from other students, Emmett was determined to get in at the United States Naval Academy. “He was a shoo-in for the Academy.” said Emmett’s father George, a 15-year-old Scottish Fold originally from Ohio.

“I knew it was going to be a bit risky for him…the way he was, but I told other cats that my son’s being gay and wanting to serve gave me not one, but two reasons to be proud of him. He is a brave boy.” Emmett was accepted without delay due to his outstanding academic performance.

Emmett’s parents said as child, they knew Emmett was “special”

Momcat Lucy is very upset with the school’s ruling but regrets that her son chose to strip in public. “I am not sure why he would do such a thing, knowing what he could lose. He is a very good boy usually. Even as a child, we always knew that Emmett was special.”

“I never really had any kind of backup plan.” said Emmett, who reports to the school tomorrow morning to clean out his dormitory and turn in his uniforms.

“I just wanted to be a good Navy boy. I guess I could go to art school or something…I dunno," he said.

Momcat Lucy said Emmett is "...a very good boy."

Emmett has appealed the dismissal with the U.S.N.A. Board of Admissions, but said he is doubtful he will ever get an audience. The Academy is not known for its kind treatment of anyone considered to be “different.”

Emmett hopes that others can learn from his experience and not make the same mistake he did by stripping down to his skivvies like a madman in his spare time. “I should have been studying.” he said.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Local Cat Exhausted After Crossing Street

Seattle, WA

An entire Seattle neighborhood is rejoicing and a picnic is being held today in honor of a local cat who made it the entire way across the street.

The day was hot and sticky, and Merit, a 15-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, is 'tired and exhausted' after surviving the crossing on only a small amount of mini-bar food, a witness said.

Merit, an insurance salesman in town for business, is part of the 75 cat NW Business & Development Trade Show staying at the W Hotel in Seattle.

Merit had been lying low in his room, drinking little and eating complimentary bags of peanuts, when he decided to try to cross the street.

Hotel manager Zack witnessed the crossing

W Hotel director Zack, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, told the Gazette he was in constant contact with Merit who was ‘exhausted, hungry and distressed’ after an exceedingly boring sales meeting held that afternoon.

“He came out of that meeting looking haggard and depressed,” Zack said. “I knew that I needed to keep an eye on him.”

Until he decided to attempt the street crossing, Merit said “ I prayed that everything would be okay, that I would make it across.”

An unnamed witness at the site of the incident

At seven o’clock that evening, Merit left his room and crossed the entire street. It was a harrowing affair, which he undertook with great bravery.

“With no way of knowing what anyone else would be doing in this situation,“ Merit said “I was relying on my gut instinct to get me across.”

He had been in contact with W Hotel authorities, who knew his exact whereabouts.

"The local government has been brilliant. I've spoken to FBI, the NSA, and the CIA," he said. “They were all very aware of what I had undertaken.”

Merit began at the street corner, stepped off the curb, crossed over the right lane and then continued onto the left side of the road until he safely touched his paws to the sidewalk on the opposite side.

Merit was staying at the W Hotel in Seattle

Rumors swirled like wildfire after the crossing at the hotel. Some said that he was chased by miniature horses, others that he was wanted on a warrant for a heinous crime.

"It's just that there is so much misinformation going around, I wanted people to know that I made it across.” Merit added.

“I don’t know why he did it,” said one witness who refused to give a name. “We were shocked to hear that anyone would undertake such a crazy act and put themselves in such jeopardy.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Monday, June 15, 2009

Lonely Cat Sent Text Messages To Self

Edmonds, WA

In a sad confession today to friends and family, Opie, a 5-year-old neutered, American Tabby male, pictured above, admitted that he sent himself text messages in order to appear "wanted" and "popular."

He confessed to texting himself when his parents confronted him with their four-inch thick cell phone bill.

His parents said they knew something was wrong when Opie began chain-chewing gumballs and sleeping less. Opie reportedly was sleeping less than the normal 23 hours cats require for optimum health.

Opie was admitted to The Center, a treatment facility located on Dayton Avenue in Edmonds this afternoon via a family intervention for evaluation and treatment of severe depression.

Opie's parents reportedly received a cell phone bill in excess of $600.00for extra text messaging not included in their normal rate packages

"At first I suspected drugs," said Opie's mother, Princess, a 15-year-old, spayed, white Persian, "Then we saw our cell phone bill and noticed that the numbers in the sent to and received from columns were exactly the same."

Opie had been sending himself text messages during classes. He first sent the message to himself, waited, then a tone would alert him that he had a message and he would open it, acting surprised and interested, hoping to draw the attention of classmates.

Princess further stated that sometimes she would hear him on the phone in his room talking softly, believing happily that he was conversing with friends, when in reality he was listening to an empty line, or talking with himself.

Opie's momcat, Princess, is a former Fancy Feast model

Opie had a hard time academically in school, was laughed at by others for a drooling problem, and didn't have much fashion sense.

"Other kids were always texting each other and Opie felt left out, alienated, so he tried to create an artificial persona that could fit into that environment more easily." said Kipper, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatric Medicine at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle. "It is not that uncommon for cays of today to live entirely alone in a world inside their heads of their own creation."

Princess said she hopes that time spent at the rehab center will help Opie adjust to his surroundings and help him become less of an introvert.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Local Vampire Bats Angered At Racial Slur

Seattle, WA

An attorney defending three local kittens in a robbery case apologized yesterday for saying his clients' behavior regarding the crime was "bat-shit crazy."

Some Vampire Bats, noting that "bat-shit crazy" is a derogatory slur against those of Chiropterian descent, are up in arms and say lawyer Tyrone the Cat, a 5-year-old Domestic Short Hair, should have been more sensitive.

The three kittens on trial, Diva, Ben, and Smudge, are all 6-month-old Domestic Short Hairs. They stand accused of felony charges of breaking and entering at an Edmonds house where they reportedly stole over 12 pounds of pure cane sugar.

"It's something that is clearly offensive to my race," District Attorney Herman Munster, a 3-year-old Vampire Bat stated to the Gazette.

The triplets are accused of stealing over 12 pounds of sugar

Tyrone the Cat, who graduated USC with a degree in Criminal Law, said he wasn't familiar with that particular epithet and said he intended no offense.

"It was just a remark, and sadly it was ill chosen by me due to the fact it was offensive to some persons, specifically the District Attorney," Tyrone said. "That was entirely unintentional, and I am so truly sorry for it."

Tyrone further stated that he was simply trying to get the idea out to the jury that what the kittens had done clearly had no motive and was, in fact, bat-shit crazy, and that the words just ‘flew’ from his mouth.

Tyrone said the words accidentally ‘flew’ from his mouth

One other Vampire Bat (who refused to be named) was sitting as a member of the jury and when the racial slur came out, he lowered his head in shame at the outright humiliation it caused him.

Mr. Munster, asked that the jury be ‘dismissed with prejudice’ and the case be retried in a new jurisdiction free from such vicious bat-hate.

“No one should have to work in the kind of environment where racial slurs are thrown at you left and right,” he stated. “If you can’t say ‘gay’ anymore then why should you be allowed to say ‘bat-shit crazy?’ It is a negative and presumptuous reflection on my culture.”

Diva insists “I am not bat-shit crazy”

Some city leaders in Seattle have been accused of having anti-Bat leanings in the past and this recent event has only heated up arguments between the two cultures.

Nearly 200 Vampire Bats lined the streets outside the King County Courthouse last night with signs to protest after hearing about the incident.

Tyrone said repeatedly that he only intended to imply that the kittens had acted out in a ‘crazy’ way and stated that for anyone to infer from his comment that all bats are crazy was not intended.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Diva, Ben, and Smudge from Sarah and Wayne
Also, Tyrone the Cat (Thanks Taylor!)
Anonymous Bat

Friday, June 12, 2009

Unemployed Cats Flock To Apply For Dishwashing Jobs

Everett, Wa

In this crumbling economy, where things seem to be going from bad to worse, a silver lining came out today as Taco Bell announced job openings for 5 new dishwashing positions.

“I have been sitting around the house for months,” said Caspian, a 9-year-old, neutered, Siamese Mix. "I was a sheet metal worker, but I got laid off."

“When I drove by the Taco Bell today I nearly crashed my car, it was a sign from Heaven. I went right in and applied,” Caspian said. “I have always wanted to be a dishwasher.”

Caspian felt the Taco Bell sign was ‘a sign from Heaven’

According to the Washington State Unemployment Security Department, there are over 8,000 unemployed cats currently receiving unemployment checks and those numbers are only expected to rise.

“Dishwashing jobs are now considered ‘in-demand’ positions,” said regional co-manager Gephard, a 9-year-old, neutered Russian Blue. “Dishwashing is right up there with accounting as one of the up-and-coming careers.”

“I know one guy who was a doctor,” said Strabismus, a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “He gave it all up, just to be a dishwasher. I just hope I am up to the task.”

Strabismus said he feels somehow qualified for the difficult task

Despite the intricate difficulties of the job’s position, it seems many cats are willing to overlook the challenges to becoming a dishwasher for the sake of securing a secure future.

Among the qualifications Taco Bell is looking for are the ability to read menus, be able to stand, walk, reach, bend, stoop, and wipe.

“The only bad thing is that we are not supposed to lick the plates,” said Tubby, a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “If they catch you doing it…you’re gone.”

Cats rushed to the Everett Taco Bell to apply for the positions

Taco Bell also stipulated that it is an extremely difficult job, and other duties include washing plates, glassware, silverware, pots, pans, and kitchen utensils according to sanitation and cleaning procedures.

“It’s pretty easy to do,” said Everett Taco Bell manager Leo, a 5-year-old Manx. “Any little shit can do it.”

Regardless of how difficult the challenges are, many cats are uplifted today, having applied themselves toward a new goal in life and a new career opportunity at long last.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Photos: Random and Crazy

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Two Cats Dead After Witnessing Obama's 'Hotness' In Green Bay

Green Bay, WI

Two cats lost lives and ten cats are in critical condition after coming face to face with His Hotness, president Barack Obama just this morning.

In a town hall format, Obama, the hottest man to ever occupy the White House, discussed health care in this first exchange with the public on health care since he was inaugurated six months ago.

The president had long before decided to include the general public in this, the first of many such public meetings to come.

Ginger was one of today’s fatalities

Local cats and selected guests were lined up at the red carpet of Green Bay Southwest High School to meet and greet president Obama as he arrived.

"Oh my god, he is so hot!" screeched Ginger, a 5-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, who then melted into a puddle and disappeared from sight.

"I touched his garment," said Raspberry, a 3-year-old, Former Feral, Persian. "I will never wash this paw again."

Seen here in Hawaii, Obama is lusted after by many cats

So many female cats and kittens clamored for Obama's attention that he had to interrupt his speech three times to calm the mayhem.

"I watched my wife right next to me," said witness Einstein, a 4-year-old Domestic Short Hair. "She was insane crazy and drooling for him. She has pictures of him on our bathroom's just not right. "

Einstein said his wife 'lost it' and screamed out to Obama 'take your shirt off honey!' before collapsing into a furry hot mess.

Einstein sadly lost his wife at today's event

"He's got this like, 'Medusa-lust' effect on women" said a White House staffer who refused to be named. "Everywhere we go, we are cleaning up bodies afterwards."

Many females in the audience screamed for cheezburgers, and begged him to take his blue tie off and throw it to the throbbing, swelling crowd.

"I heard someone say 'come here, I got dollar bills for ya.'" Einstein said.

By the time the speech ended, two cats had lost their lives and ten others were treated for various forms of heat exhaustion.

No word on whether next month's proposed Cheezburger Stimulus meeting will be open to the public.

Copyright Sharyn Thoma-Guay
Cat Photo: Riley the Cat as Ginger
Other Photos Random